AllTooWell Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 After 3 weeks complete NC (no lurking, no talking, no nothing) (and like 3 months BU), I went out with some girlfriends after work to a bar that we frequently go to. I knew that WEEKS ago he had shown up there on a night where I wasn't there but it didn't even cross my mind at the time. I got dressed (I looked good, too!) and went out. When we got there the bar was pretty empty and I went to the bathroom with a friend, we were sitting in there talking (she's having a rough time lately) when another friend of mine rushes in and says "Your ex is here." I thought my heart would sink or I'dfeel sick but I felt NOTHING. I said "that's okay", finished my conversation, walked to the bar with one of my friends. I said I was going to maintain my no contact and just have a good night. And that's what I did. I decided I wasn't going to heavily flirt or dance with any guys because I didn't want to look like that. Instead, I hung out with my friends and just made casual conversation. After a while he came over and grabbed my arm and asked to talk outside. I politely declined. A few minutes later he asked again and I agreed. He was really drunk and just saying absolute bull**** - nothing important (at one point he accused me of ****ing a lot of guys since we've broken up (ha! I wish) and told me I look beautiful.. lol), I guess he wanted to tell me all the things that are going on with his life. He was too drunk to answer his PHONE and I had to answer it and then give his friends directions to meet him. I just kind of stood there like "What the **** are you doing with your life." When we went back inside, I went back to my friends and he proceeded to start heavily flirting and trying to dance with a rather unattractive girl. (Not saying I'm the best out there but this was just a solid downgrade and it was obvious he was going so hard because I was there. Did that make me feel special? Did it make me upset? It honestly made me think he was pathetic.) I left the bar and I guess on my way home it all really hit me. Some of the things he had said to me were really, really mean. I sent him a text and said that the things he had said to me were truly mean, and that I would appreciate it if next time we were out he would respect that I don't want to have contact with him. The next day I got an onslaught of "what happened last night" "i'm so sorry what did I say" texts. I replied and we fought a bit and he denied saying certain things (If you don't remember please tell me how you can deny it. You moron.) The day after I got a text in the morning from him telling me he's having a hard time. He's upset and knows I'm going to forget about him. He's constantly mad at himself (didn't say why). He's immersed himself into one of his jobs to find happiness. I replied to this and said I wouldn't forget about him, I just think we are causing problems in one another's lives, that kind of thing, and ended the conversation. Before this I have had complete faith we would work things out. I felt like this was the man I was going to marry and that even if we didn't speak for years, when we did, I would want it all over again. This was all a few days ago. Every morning since then I have woken up , went to the gym, had breakfast with a friend, studied, etc. It hits me around 4PM that I haven't thought about him. Today, I let my mind wander a bit and there's nothing. No tightness in my chest, no pain that he's gone. Nothing. I turned my itunes on and tried to trigger myself (a test) - listened to the songs that had previously been blacklisted as I would burst into tears within 3 bars of them. Nothing. Not a single feeling. During one song, I actually laughed. It seems that despite my best intentions to cling onto the hope he would one day come back, this man has finally pushed me to the point of not caring. I thought I would never get to this point. The point where I feel nothing - not anger, not love, just nothing when I think of him. After almost a month of NC the encounter with him seems pathetic to me. I am disappointed that I agreed to talk to him but I was also worried (he was extremely drunk and there was a chance he could've been high on various things). It doesn't make me feel better to know that even though he dumped me, he's struggling. I think he's weak. I had the BALLS and integrity to go no contact and take control of my life. I've been working out (I look good) I've been living and when I saw him it was like the rose-colored glasses were RIPPED off my face and there he was. Someone who didn't deserve me. The week before I had seen him I will note I had felt a million times better. I wasn't thinking about him as much, I was just moving on. I still missed him, but I missed his friendship. And now I feel nothing. No anger, no sadness, "This happened to me and it's done". Hang tight everyone, whether you feel it or not right now, there will be a day where you feel like this too. Where you feel absolutely nothing towards them. And not because you're blocking it out. But because you realize you've wasted so much pain, love and anguish on someone who isn't worth it. And you realize that even when they're gone, you are happy without them! 5
ForeverHopeful1 Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Indifference is a true blessing. I am very happy to hear all you have shared. It feels good, doesn't it? 1
Author AllTooWell Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 Indifference is a true blessing. I am very happy to hear all you have shared. It feels good, doesn't it? It does! I am happy that I've gotten to this point. I think part of me misses the friendship we once shared, but at the same time I realize that this man has lost himself and is in no place to have a friendship or any 'ship' with anyone until he figures himself out. Just wanted to give back to the LS community that helped and comforted me 1
ForeverHopeful1 Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 It does! I am happy that I've gotten to this point. I think part of me misses the friendship we once shared, but at the same time I realize that this man has lost himself and is in no place to have a friendship or any 'ship' with anyone until he figures himself out. Just wanted to give back to the LS community that helped and comforted me Posts like this give others hope, so keep it up!!! 1
alexdublin Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Holy sh*t. This is so mega inspiring for me. Thank you. I am gonna keep my NC going(even though its tough) and I am gonna fight to move on. You are awesome!!
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