This is going to sound so shallow...

[Coolit]

I know the difference between being sexual and being friendly, and I don't pretend I forgot because some hot guy is hitting on me.

.

 

I can feel the difference too. Up until last year if any guy hit on me I would shut them down super fast. If they didn't take the hint I'd run and cuddle with my H. I have never enjoyed it. Even my husband I turned down quite a few times. It makes me super uncomfortable. And if anyone dare cross into my bubble! I do not get hit on a lot. I am not out where that happens. I don't go to bars and any males I'm around are married or good friends with my Husband.

 

xMM was just okay. But we had a huge amount of sexual tension between us. That is what drew me to him. It wasn't becuse I was looking or because he was there. It wasn't because he was hot. In fact, the first night when I got the vibe from him that he was interested I got up and found my husband as I have always done when guys make me uncomfortable. But I knew this time it was also because I felt myself responding. And that scared the crap out of me.

 

We can't change what we have done. But could I go back to that get together I wouldn't just encourage my husband to leave early. I'd also tell him that I felt an attraction. Had i done that my H's radar would have been up and my "friendship" would have never happened.

 

I should have kept running.

 

My H is good looking, gets hit on regularly, and has a job that could very easily cover an Affair. But, he has never cheated. He'd be more of the emotional cheater I think. And those kind of affairs are not based on looks at all usually.

[Coolit]

I don't know if that would work for me but something like that but with the male cheater uniform.

 

That whole bit made me laugh as I imagine some manly man doing what sPark suggested.

[cocorico]

My H got hit on so many times during his first M. I think in part because of his job, but also because he was not obviously part of a couple. Although she worked at the same place, she had a different name, never spent time with him, and even their housemates (before they had kids) did not know they were together. So he was assumed to be available, and offers were made. He didn't consider any of them for a second, despite how unhappy he was. For decades he remained faithful, despite all his options.

 

Until one day the planets just aligned, and the straw snapped the camel's back.

[road]

I can feel the difference too. Up until last year if any guy hit on me I would shut them down super fast. If they didn't take the hint I'd run and cuddle with my H. I have never enjoyed it.

 

xMM was just okay. But we had a huge amount of sexual tension between us. That is what drew me to him. It wasn't becuse I was looking or because he was there.

 

We can't change what we have done. But could I go back to that get together I wouldn't just encourage my husband to leave early.

I should have kept running.

 

 

You were always ready to have an affair.

 

Just that the men that sought you out did not make you hot to trot. Until the OM came along. You put up a weak front to feign no interest.

 

The rest is history.

[Coolit]

Forgot I wasn't goin to engage*

Edited July 25, 2013 by Coolit

[beatcuff]

...very good looking people either have a tough time being monogamous for long periods because they get so many more opportunities to be unfaithful, OR that they get more advances from the opposite sex and that creates more temptation to stray. ...

 

i think we can agree the better looking the bigger the pool. and the friendlier and more outgoing the more it can be misinterpreted.

 

but it is the person that dictates what is done with those opportunities.

 

in my case i have noticed it goes in cycles: times where i am nearly afraid (the advances are so over the top it ruins a good night out - with friends) and others where i wonder if i went to a brothel with 1k if i would be tossed out.

 

i wonder if as the looks fade do those people reach out for the attention?

[janedoe67]

You were always ready to have an affair.

 

Just that the men that sought you out did not make you hot to trot. Until the OM came along. You put up a weak front to feign no interest.

 

The rest is history.

 

This is interesting to me. Dr. Harley states that EVERYONE, given the right circumstances, is vulnerable to an affair.

 

Do you disagree with Dr. Harley?

 

I learned the hard way that pride tends to go before the fall. And no, I did not spend 35+ years putting up a "weak front."

 

As much as it makes some BS's feel better to assume that all cheaters were "born bad," that simply isn't the case.

 

Period.

 

What I did was extremely wrong. It is 100% on me, and I am 100% responsible for my reprehensible choice. It is NOT what I have always been and what I always shall be.

 

Period.

[Woggle]

I can be stubborn as hell and if I don't want to do something it isn't happening and cheating is something that is just against my moral compass. I am not a person that gives into temptation easily if at all.

[road]

This is interesting to me. Dr. Harley states that EVERYONE, given the right circumstances, is vulnerable to an affair.

 

Do you disagree with Dr. Harley?

 

I learned the hard way that pride tends to go before the fall. And no, I did not spend 35+ years putting up a "weak front."

 

As much as it makes some BS's feel better to assume that all cheaters were "born bad," that simply isn't the case.

 

Period.

 

What I did was extremely wrong. It is 100% on me, and I am 100% responsible for my reprehensible choice. It is NOT what I have always been and what I always shall be.

 

Period.

 

 

Dr Harley is right.

 

If the conditions are right.

 

I do not think I am ugly and I know I am not rich. Women do not through themselves at me.

 

However I was never that horny that I would do

 

Miss Two Bagger.

 

Or the Lee sisters, Beast, Ghast, or their cousin Home.

 

They have not made beer goggles good enough for me to do a fatty.

 

Now if Jennifer Aniston was to chase me? Or any other pretty actress, as Dr Harley says.

 

The OP and you were not bad. You just met the OM that you could not resist.

[janedoe67]

I'm not sure what I think about the whole "looks" thing.

 

The first OM was just a work acquaintance until I dropped about 25 pounds and got in really good shape. THEN I was on his flirting radar. So I guess that made a difference for him. He was absolutely a step down from my H. He was kind of a baggy grunge guy....think Leonard on The Big Bang Theory if he had longer hair and was half as smart. I definitely was drawn by all the compliments and attention and not his handsomeness. My H looks like he stepped out of Pride and Prejudice or something - very nice looking.

 

In the other situations (I know I should just say affairs...it makes me physically sick so I am being a coward), it was more their "charm," especially the online predator guy. And because of health issues and medicines and such I had gained back the weight, so I wasn't the stereotypical hot skinny mini. I was just me.

 

I think that when someone allows themselves to begin dealing with their self-concept or loneliness or resentment (or combination) in more and more self-centered and unhealthy ways, they become more and more vulnerable to any "prop" they may receive. In my case, most of the time it was a series of small boundaries being crossed. The only exceptions were a ONS around a month after H told me sex was off the table for good (I was angry) and the online predator who I think just knew exactly what to say and how to say it. I'm not convinced he isn't a sociopath.

[HopingAgain]

My H got hit on so many times during his first M. I think in part because of his job, but also because he was not obviously part of a couple. Although she worked at the same place, she had a different name, never spent time with him, and even their housemates (before they had kids) did not know they were together. So he was assumed to be available, and offers were made. He didn't consider any of them for a second, despite how unhappy he was. For decades he remained faithful, despite all his options.

 

Until one day the planets just aligned, and the straw snapped the camel's back.

 

Coco, did your husband ever tell you what in particular changed for him that after choosing not to cheat for so long, even while being unhappy, he finally took the plunge?

[HopingAgain]

Seems the general consensus is that good looks create more opportunities but do not indicate by themselves if someone will cheat. I pretty much agree with that.

 

Since I posted this thread, its funny. I went to my neighborhood store the other day and the clerk asked me about my H, she said "I don't know his name but he looks like *insert famous enterrainers name here* and she was joking that when he came in earlier she thought about a song made by the entertainer he resembles. Lol. I laughed, told her he gets that often and that I should enter him in a celeb lookalike contest. It didn't bother me,, but its kind of sad to me that I don't take as much pride in women complimenting me about him as I did pre affair.

[Philosoraptor]

A man saying that to his date is insulting, even moreso with the wife! But what about discussing the opportunities one has had in a way that is not borne of arrogance and ego? I'm kind of interested really in talking about what clicks in a person that has endless opportunities to cheat and doesn't take the bait, what finally tips the scale to get them to cheat? I really doubt that the person that they go on to cheat with was just "one in a million", so what does factor in internally that makes a person go there?

Likely instability within the relationship he or she is already in. If physical temptation wasn't enough to break a committment before, there must be some issue with the current relationship that causes the temptation to be more appealing.

[jlola]

A man saying that to his date is insulting, even moreso with the wife! But what about discussing the opportunities one has had in a way that is not borne of arrogance and ego? I'm kind of interested really in talking about what clicks in a person that has endless opportunities to cheat and doesn't take the bait, what finally tips the scale to get them to cheat? I really doubt that the person that they go on to cheat with was just "one in a million", so what does factor in internally that makes a person go there?

 

I think if someone has had countless opportunity and finally has an affair, after years of saying no,. It may be because they are at a different stage in their lives and may be more in need of validation at this time, They may want to feel the "chemical high" of the 1st stage love you get when you first meet someone because the marriage cannot sustain it, Or as many woman will tell you, the ones that were available before for an affair were not that attractive, or after years and years of working together and building an emotional connection you eventually fell in love.

 

 

The last one is probably the most dangerous. I do not believe a person who falls in love at first sight is realistic. Stars aligning and Earth shattering is for the movies.Love is knowing someone. Are they kind,emotionally sound,respectful,trustworthy,good natured. Not just looking at someone who looks good and deciding you love them.

 

I also wonder when someone says "I have had countless opportunities, but you are the only one I have ever been tempted with". If they are telling the truth. How can you ever prove what they say is fact. Especially if this statement comes from a man.

[Confused48]

I think if someone has had countless opportunity and finally has an affair, after years of saying no,. It may be because they are at a different stage in their lives and may be more in need of validation at this time, They may want to feel the "chemical high" of the 1st stage love you get when you first meet someone because the marriage cannot sustain it, Or as many woman will tell you, the ones that were available before for an affair were not that attractive, or after years and years of working together and building an emotional connection you eventually fell in love.

 

I do not believe a person who falls in love at first sight is realistic. Stars aligning and Earth shattering is for the movies.Love is knowing someone. Are they kind,emotionally sound,respectful,trustworthy,good natured. Not just looking at someone who looks good and deciding you love them.

 

I also wonder when someone says "I have had countless opportunities, but you are the only one I have ever been tempted with". If they are telling the truth. How can you ever prove what they say is fact. Especially if this statement comes from a man.

 

I reject the man/woman thing.

 

Regardless of gender, even unattractive married persons have opportunities to cheat. Many. Their spouse would cringe to know the truth.

 

There are subtle ways that men and women both fall into this dangerous and damaging affair trap. But those differences are very inconsequential. Both genders do it. BS of both gender look for reasons why their WS was more susceptible. WS from both genders look for excuses as to why they were more susceptible. Attractive and unattractive WS and BS make excuses based on this. In both directions.

 

A WS could say, I felt so unattractive to my spouse that when AP approached me I could not resist. A WS could say I'm so attractive AP threw him/her self at me and how could I resist? Or an insecure BS could say, AP was so attractive, I could not resist, so BS, if you were faced with someone so attractive to you, you would understand.

 

Being more attractive or unattractive just adds another dimension to the problem. It does not matter the gender of the attractive cheater or even the attractiveness of the AP. They are a cheater and you are a BS. You, BS, could have and did not cheat. Deal with it. xxx It is my truth.

 

BTW my WS is off the charts attractive. I no longer think that is relevant but in case some of you do think it relevant I thought I should tell you.

[janedoe67]

Woggle[/b]

I seriously don't know why people think cheating is some accomplishment. It is incredibly easy to do. I could go on the boardwalk tonight and find about six women to cheat with. There is no reward in it whatsoever.

]

 

Amen. And I mean what has someone accomplished, really? "Oh, look at me! I snagged a real winner - they have no problem lying and deceiving their spouse." Or "I snagged a fine upstanding person who thinks nothing of invading another person's marriage!"

 

Ick

 

BTW, us old people can't see well enough to get our cursor in the TINY space between the quote thingies

[HopingAgain]

I think for those with low self esteem or in need of an ego boost, cheating can be seen as an accomplishment to those folks, pitiful as it is.

[road]

Agreed. Finding a married man looking to cheat is like shooting fish in a barrel.

 

Finding a single guy looking to get laid is like the fish shooting themselves FOR you.

 

 

If women want to treated equal they better get with the program and into the barrel.

[cocorico]

Coco, did your husband ever tell you what in particular changed for him that after choosing not to cheat for so long, even while being unhappy, he finally took the plunge?

 

I did ask him, when I heard about other women having tried their luck with him ( especially one friend who is gorgeous) what was different, when I hit on him. It seems to have been several things:

 

* timing: some time previously, his then-W had gotten wrecked, attacked him physically in front of the kids, and stormed out. They were separated for a year. He loved it, he was happier than he had ever been before, and it allowed him to recognise just how unhappy he had been in his M. But she fell apart really badly, and the kids suffered terribly. So when she begged to come back, he agreed for the kids' sake. He did extract a promise from her to go to MC, which she broke, but he felt he could not subject the kids to another traumatic break up so soon. So, he was resigned to sticking it out until the kids were old enough for him to leave, hopeful she'd keep her word and try, and then, when she did not and things became as bad as before or worse, he felt desperate enough to consider anything that would help him hang in there until the kids were old enough.

 

* expectations: I wanted NSA, I did not harbour dreams of happy ever after. I wasn't going to be a bunny boiler and I wasn't going to demand he do the one thing he felt he couldn't do just then (leave).

 

* attraction: I was his " type", though he thought I was out of his league he felt flattered that I hit on him.

 

* situation: I was not broken, or in need of rescue, or trying to escape some unhappy life. I was happy, fulfilled, with everything going for me. I did not need him. Also, I lived far away, it would be very part-time, and I had my own life, etc that engaged me, I was direct and clear about what I wanted and didn't play games or manipulate, and he liked knowing where he stood.

[2.50 a gallon]

The OM of my Ex was a pretty boy body builder. Unfortunately for her he didn't have much in the manhood department to begin with, and even less with all the drugs he had taken, then add in he was also alcoholic. Totally worthless in bed.

 

I am retired and have seen many things. One of those things that have still has me stumped is how often the cheaters cheat down.

 

I have seen men with super hot wives get involved with the local ugly bar pump, generally over weight and missing teeth.

 

I have seen wives with great careers and husbands with great careers, throw away their families for some worthless, uneducated, unemployed, out of shape fatty, skinny, living at home with mommy, druggie.

 

I once dated a gal who mom was a real weirdo. About every 3 months she would get the urge to cheat. The first act she would fight and argue with her step dad, then begin flirting, then actually going out on her own, and even sometimes having sex with the OM.

 

Her step dad, would at first go through all the pain of a marriage breaking up, would truly to be the nice guy, but she would throw her latest in his face, then one night he had had enough would go to the bar drag her behind home, and the next day she would proudly be displaying the shiner he had given her the previous night. She would then be totally in love with him again for the next two months when the cycle would begin again.

 

She was one of my FWB's that lasted for more than a year, so I saw this cycle several times.

[janedoe67]

One could posit that the fact that the OP is willing to invade a marriage in the first place automatically qualifies as affairing down.

[HopingAgain]

I did ask him, when I heard about other women having tried their luck with him ( especially one friend who is gorgeous) what was different, when I hit on him. It seems to have been several things:

 

* timing: some time previously, his then-W had gotten wrecked, attacked him physically in front of the kids, and stormed out. They were separated for a year. He loved it, he was happier than he had ever been before, and it allowed him to recognise just how unhappy he had been in his M. But she fell apart really badly, and the kids suffered terribly. So when she begged to come back, he agreed for the kids' sake. He did extract a promise from her to go to MC, which she broke, but he felt he could not subject the kids to another traumatic break up so soon. So, he was resigned to sticking it out until the kids were old enough for him to leave, hopeful she'd keep her word and try, and then, when she did not and things became as bad as before or worse, he felt desperate enough to consider anything that would help him hang in there until the kids were old enough.

 

* expectations: I wanted NSA, I did not harbour dreams of happy ever after. I wasn't going to be a bunny boiler and I wasn't going to demand he do the one thing he felt he couldn't do just then (leave).

 

* attraction: I was his " type", though he thought I was out of his league he felt flattered that I hit on him.

 

* situation: I was not broken, or in need of rescue, or trying to escape some unhappy life. I was happy, fulfilled, with everything going for me. I did not need him. Also, I lived far away, it would be very part-time, and I had my own life, etc that engaged me, I was direct and clear about what I wanted and didn't play games or manipulate, and he liked knowing where he stood.[/quote

 

Thanks for answering my questions. It sounds like it was just the combination of circumstances being in favor of his leaving the marriage combined with his attraction to you and the opportunity being offered at just the right time.

[HopingAgain]

There are so many good posts I want to respond to here" but first while I have time, I want to post about what happened this weekend.

 

So we're at a family members party and I'm sitting with a group of ladies chatting. Husband comes up to me and sits down next to me, and we are talking. Then everyone starts making conversation and one lady says to my husband "Hey, you really have an uncanny resemblance to *famous entertainer* she says I want to show my girlfriend this and see if my friend thinks I was at a party with *famous entertainer* this weekend.. And actually took a pic of himb on her phone. He was good natured about it and we all laughed, but I thought about this thread and the discussion we've been having here. My husband doesn't put out a vibe or anything like that, he's just a really friendly and open person. In therapy we discovered that one of his dominant personality types is people pleaser, basically a helper. So my conclusion is that with ourv situation, his attractiveness was the first draw" but his personality and proclivity to be a helper or rescuer really drew the OW in our situation in.