HopingAgain Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 I keep reading on all different sites and in a few articles, that most times, very good looking people either have a tough time being monogamous for long periods because they get so many more opportunities to be unfaithful, OR that they get more advances from the opposite sex and that creates more temptation to stray. I want to ask how do those who are in that criteria, have spouses that fit that criteria, or those where both fit that criteria, how do you manage this? I read on another post that men who are good looking have more opportunities to hook up for one night stands, short term flings, etc. It caught my eye because that has certainly been the case with us. My own husband is very handsome, I'm not just saying this because I love him, he's been referenced to a few particularly gorgeous actors. Throughout our relationship, he's been approached countless numbers of times, we used to joke about it and he told me about some of the encounters and we'd joke. This also happens to me and so it was a vice versa sort of deal, men coming up to him, random strangers, and telling him he is a lucky man, complimenting him about me, etc. His infidelity, although I know was born of a more emotional disconnect between us, and not just physically being attracted to someone else, was also a crime of opportunity. We've discussed this, and because he does get so many opportunities and that hadn't been a factor in him cheating in the past, I don't worry about it so much. But Post Affair, knowing that he still gets as many opportunities does BOTHER me a little. And now, he also feels a little more insecure with me getting male attention and a little more defensive when men compliment me, etc. I don't want him to worry that I will want revenge and seek it out, and I also don't want to lose the security I had in knowing that even though women throw themselves at him, I didn't need to be concerned. Does anyone here know what I'm talking about? I've seen some good looking faces on some of these avatars, so I know SOMEONE does! But how do you overcome this without added insecurity after an affair has taken place?
Philosoraptor Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 I've never experienced an affair, so I can only reference part 1 of this question. But anyone, no matter how they look, is subject to their own morals. If you have strong morals there is no temptation great enough to cause you to be unfaithful. Personally I do have my share of interested ladies, which I'm hoping will die down a bit once I get a ring on my finger. But I have no interest in being unfaithful no matter how many women hit on me. 4
Author HopingAgain Posted July 22, 2013 Author Posted July 22, 2013 I love this response. Thank you for that. And I agree, the internal values are what set the standard for cheating or not cheating. But once infidelity has occured" you start looking at anything and everything that could be remotely related to itn
Realist3 Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 I can only speak about my own experience, but I would assume it to be true with others a good portion of the time. Both myself and my AP are what people consider to be well above average looking. We both get offers/opportunities on a regular basis. I posted a month or so back about how I started posting pics of my wife and myself on Facebook to hopefully slow down the numbers of women trying to approach me each month, 3-4; some considerably more blatant than others. And that is just online. If I'm out in public at a mall or grocery store, etc. it is about a 50/50 chance a woman will approach me. The same goes for my AP. We discuss it quite frequently. I won't deny it, even though I get many offers, the offers she gets all the time sometimes make me jealous, especially when we are in public at the same place and I see it going on. It's not that I'm really concerned about it, but I know what is happening when these guys approach her. At the same time it can also be an ego boost because I know I am the guy she has chosen, I just can't show it to anyone.
Woggle Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 I am not ugly be any means but I don't think I a model material yet I have had plenty of chances to cheat. Never said yes to one of them because I have self control and I am strongly against it. 3
Realist3 Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 I love this response. Thank you for that. And I agree, the internal values are what set the standard for cheating or not cheating. But once infidelity has occured" you start looking at anything and everything that could be remotely related to itn Since you are a BS I can certainly understand your insecurities. At the same time you have to realize it is not something he can help. He has evidently chosen to stay with you.
Author HopingAgain Posted July 22, 2013 Author Posted July 22, 2013 I can only speak about my own experience, but I would assume it to be true with others a good portion of the time. Both myself and my AP are what people consider to be well above average looking. We both get offers/opportunities on a regular basis. I posted a month or so back about how I started posting pics of my wife and myself on Facebook to hopefully slow down the numbers of women trying to approach me each month, 3-4; some considerably more blatant than others. And that is just online. If I'm out in public at a mall or grocery store, etc. it is about a 50/50 chance a woman will approach me. The same goes for my AP. We discuss it quite frequently. I won't deny it, even though I get many offers, the offers she gets all the time sometimes make me jealous, especially when we are in public at the same place and I see it going on. It's not that I'm really concerned about it, but I know what is happening when these guys approach her. At the same time it can also be an ego boost because I know I am the guy she has chosen, I just can't show it to anyone. So if I understand correctly, you're posting pics of you and your wife to dissuade offers from other women, but you're still with AP? If that's so, for whose benefit are you trying to dissuade other women" for your wife or for AP?
Author HopingAgain Posted July 22, 2013 Author Posted July 22, 2013 Since you are a BS I can certainly understand your insecurities. At the same time you have to realize it is not something he can help. He has evidently chosen to stay with you. I wish it were so simple. I think part of each of us still takes pride in knowing that our spouses are seen as desirable to others. Its a small ego boost. The issue is the anxiety on both sides these incidents create now due to the infidelity. For me, it can be a small trigger. For him its a fear I may accept a proposal to seek revenge.
Realist3 Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 So if I understand correctly, you're posting pics of you and your wife to dissuade offers from other women, but you're still with AP? If that's so, for whose benefit are you trying to dissuade other women" for your wife or for AP? My AP was the one the suggested I do so. And it has worked to a large extent.
Realist3 Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 I wish it were so simple. I think part of each of us still takes pride in knowing that our spouses are seen as desirable to others. Its a small ego boost. The issue is the anxiety on both sides these incidents create now due to the infidelity. For me, it can be a small trigger. For him its a fear I may accept a proposal to seek revenge. Makes perfect sense.
xxoo Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Good looking does not make it harder to be faithful. If anything, it makes it easier to attract a partner who you are very attracted to, and satisfied with sexually. 2
affairaddict Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 My AP is short bit overweight average looks. Would not look twice at him out. It was his personality that got me. Then I found him attractive. I am very attractive I guess. Dark hair eyes big lips women feel threatened by me. his GF average looks, but I'm sure he finds get beautiful. I don't think EAs are about looks at all. Maybe men find it easier to cheat if they are very attractive .
Chi townD Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Affairs aren't about genetics, affairs are about choices. True, if you're good looking, there's more of an opportunity, but there's also more opportunities to say no! One thing my father always taught me is that when you find something good; whether it be a job, or hobby or relationship, "don't screw up a good thing." 1
Betrayed&Stayed Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 During my single days I had no problem attracting good looking women. To me the issue is not about my looks (or my wife's looks), but putting out the vibe. As a married man I never put out the vibe, and I rarely flirt with other women. I don't put in the effort to "connect" with women that I meet or know. When I was single I was good at connecting with women that I was interested in meeting. I guess if I had been sending signals that I'm available, then I might have gotten more opportunities. I'm sure that my WW was sending out sexual vibes for attention and validation prior and during her affair. Since then she does not flirt at all with men.
2sure Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 I'm sure attractive people have more opportunity. People that work out of town have more opportunity. Women have more opportunity than men. People active with hundreds of people on FB or class mates have more opportunity. People that work a swing shift. People that work with a majority of the posite sex. it's endless. Everyone has the choice to cheat or not. 11
Mycteria Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 (edited) I hope this post doesn't come across as too arrogant, but I'm just going to be truthful. I'm considered fairly attractive. When I'm single I usually have between 5 and 10 guys actively pursuing me. My friends always joke about how it's constant entertainment for them. And when I go out regularly (single or not) I get hit on pretty constantly. That being said, I think having this experience has made it easier for me to stay faithful. I think one thing that leads to people cheating is that feeling of excitement of being pursued again. Sometimes when you've been married for a while you miss that feeling of validation you get when someone new hits on you. I know some single guys actively seek out married women, especially the plainer ones, because they are "easy pickings." Most of them don't go out as much and therefore aren't used to as much male attention as their single or more attractive friends. I've honestly been hit on so much throughout my life that I get no thrill out of some guy (even a very attractive one) approaching me. The only time I would consider myself in danger of cheating is if I developed a close relationship with a coworker at some point. But I recognize that and know what steps to take to avoid it (thanks to reading this forum). Edited July 23, 2013 by Mycteria 6
Betterthanthis13 Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I know the difference between being sexual and being friendly, and I don't pretend I forgot because some hot guy is hitting on me. . 5
Spark1111 Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Both my H and I are attractive, friendly, charming people. Our opportunities are endless. it has always repulsed me because I have been so devoted to him and to us. A man who works actively to breach that boundary has always turned me off....BIG TIME and it must be evident in my demeanor. they eventually slink away from a woman who talks of her spouse endlessly. He has usually been the same, except for the time before during and after his affair. He encouraged they'd flirt, the attention, the validation from strangers. now, once again, he has boundaries which discourages unwanted attention from the opposite sex....and lives in constant anxiety that some man will turn my head and woo me away. Karma is a bitch. No matter what reassurances I offer to him, he suffers. 2
Woggle Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I think people who get sucked into an affair are usually the type to seek validation from other people. I would never cheat regardless but given the fact that I don't like most people I would start to worry if I all of a sudden became Mr Popular. I more about the love and respect of the people I love and respect than I do about some fake validation.
road Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Some ugly people have been OM , WH's, WW's, and OW. Two bag ugly. Being attractive does not mean one will be more likely to cheat. Being attractive does mean one will have more opportunities to date. 1
Woggle Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I seriously don't know why people think cheating is some accomplishment. It is incredibly easy to do. I could go on the boardwalk tonight and find about six women to cheat with. There is no reward in it whatsoever. 8
SteveC80 Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Good looking does not make it harder to be faithful. If anything, it makes it easier to attract a partner who you are very attracted to, and satisfied with sexually. I would agree i think it would be harder for blah looking people who have to settle for partners theyre not that physically attracted to 1
compulsivedancer Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 During my single days I had no problem attracting good looking women. To me the issue is not about my looks (or my wife's looks), but putting out the vibe. As a married man I never put out the vibe, and I rarely flirt with other women. I don't put in the effort to "connect" with women that I meet or know. When I was single I was good at connecting with women that I was interested in meeting. I guess if I had been sending signals that I'm available, then I might have gotten more opportunities. I'm sure that my WW was sending out sexual vibes for attention and validation prior and during her affair. Since then she does not flirt at all with men. This is true. I've noticed that the vibe is more important than looks. I know that I've always been a flirty person. My husband has commented on it before. I never turned it off when we got married. But I've had a couple of times where I was depressed and no one hit on me. Once I was happy with myself again, guys started flirting with me. Since DDay, I've altogether lost the vibe (I am not complaining). I just don't have any interest in other men. Likewise, no one really flirts with me anymore.
Spark1111 Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I seriously don't know why people think cheating is some accomplishment. It is incredibly easy to do. I could go on the boardwalk tonight and find about six women to cheat with. There is no reward in it whatsoever. Woggle, if you show up in a little black dress, stilettos, and smile and tee hee often, you will get more phone numbers than your clutch bag can hold.....like shooting fish in a barrel.
Woggle Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Woggle, if you show up in a little black dress, stilettos, and smile and tee hee often, you will get more phone numbers than your clutch bag can hold.....like shooting fish in a barrel. I don't know if that would work for me but something like that but with the male cheater uniform.
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