She's ignoring me, why?

July 25, 2013

You are hooked on drama queens, this will be the course of your life if you don't fix it.

Lol. I say 'lol' because all my friends tell me this. I'd love to know how you gathered that from my posts.... I do really like her, we have SO much in common. I don't know.

July 25, 2013

Lol. I say 'lol' because all my friends tell me this. I'd love to know how you gathered that from my posts.... I do really like her, we have SO much in common. I don't know.

I think there are roughly two groups of people: those that get repelled by unhealthy/needy drama and those that are drawn to broken people. It's usually to do with your family dynamics, what you saw when you grew up, whether your parents are divorced, whether there are addicts in the family, that kind of thing. If you grew up in a dysfunctional family you are more likely to seek it out in relationships.

I'm interested in this dynamic though: what is it that draws you to her? What do you mean that you have so much in common? Can you put it in words?

July 25, 2013

I think there are roughly two groups of people: those that get repelled by unhealthy/needy drama and those that are drawn to broken people. It's usually to do with your family dynamics, what you saw when you grew up, whether your parents are divorced, whether there are addicts in the family, that kind of thing. If you grew up in a dysfunctional family you are more likely to seek it out in relationships.

I'm interested in this dynamic though: what is it that draws you to her? What do you mean that you have so much in common? Can you put it in words?

Hmmm - very interesting. I didn't have a stable upbringing, no. Although I was showered in affection by my mother..and forever trying to get approval from my very horrible Grandmother...who loved me one minute, then hated me the next... LOL.

What draws me to her? I don't know. She actually makes me feel safe, secure. We have a lot in common, we have similar interests, beliefs, ideals, values. Same sense of humour, both love music, I mean adore it. Both love the same sort of things, I guess.

But yeah, we're talking but I find her to be a bit stiff toward me. Of course I don't want to come out and say "look, I want it back to how it was" but I want to steer it that way - or at least try to. It's hard. I don't know. Maybe I just need to shut up, lol.

July 25, 2013

Hmmm - very interesting. I didn't have a stable upbringing, no. Although I was showered in affection by my mother..and forever trying to get approval from my very horrible Grandmother...who loved me one minute, then hated me the next... LOL.

What draws me to her? I don't know. She actually makes me feel safe, secure. We have a lot in common, we have similar interests, beliefs, ideals, values. Same sense of humour, both love music, I mean adore it. Both love the same sort of things, I guess.

But yeah, we're talking but I find her to be a bit stiff toward me. Of course I don't want to come out and say "look, I want it back to how it was" but I want to steer it that way - or at least try to. It's hard. I don't know. Maybe I just need to shut up, lol.

The bolded is the issue in my opinion.

It seems to me this woman you've met was very good at presenting herself as someone you could be yourself with, someone who accepted you and needed you and even perhaps adored you? Correct so far?

July 25, 2013

The bolded is the issue in my opinion.

It seems to me this woman you've met was very good at presenting herself as someone you could be yourself with, someone who accepted you and needed you and even perhaps adored you? Correct so far?

Very much so. Very much. I could be myself with her. But I also liked what she was about - although I wouldn't say she needed me...that didn't seem to be one of the main things....She is very independent.

July 25, 2013

Very much so. Very much. I could be myself with her. But I also liked what she was about - although I wouldn't say she needed me...that didn't seem to be one of the main things....She is very independent.

What do you base that observation on?

July 25, 2013

What do you base that observation on?

She has a very good job, is happy being single, goes on holiday alone, has several hobbies that she enjoys regularly....she doesn't seem to be relying on anyone.

July 25, 2013

She has a very good job, is happy being single, goes on holiday alone, has several hobbies that she enjoys regularly....she doesn't seem to be relying on anyone.

Was she relying on you though?

July 25, 2013

Was she relying on you though?

Erm....She made a big deal of the fact that no-one had made her feel the way I did, not for a few years. Apparently, she "felt like a teenager, again" when she was talking to me.

July 25, 2013

But yeah...now it's all gone awkward, but I am keen to try and get it back to how it was. I just don't really know how to do it without outright telling her. She hasn't really been very clear on what she wants, just that she loves talking to me, doesn't want to rush, etc etc.

July 25, 2013

Erm....She made a big deal of the fact that no-one had made her feel the way I did, not for a few years. Apparently, she "felt like a teenager, again" when she was talking to me.

Then you had sex and she became distant with you afterwards - if I read correctly. She cried afterwards.

Have you ever noticed any mood changes while you were together before or during you had sex? You said it was awkward because it was the first time you met. Was she quite consistent though? Or did she seem anxious or even a bit 'off' at any point?

July 25, 2013

Then you had sex and she became distant with you afterwards - if I read correctly. She cried afterwards.

Have you ever noticed any mood changes while you were together before or during you had sex? You said it was awkward because it was the first time you met. Was she quite consistent though? Or did she seem anxious or even a bit 'off' at any point?

She did seem anxious at times, yeah. A bit quiet.

July 25, 2013

She did seem anxious at times, yeah. A bit quiet.

What you are describing to me is consistent with the behaviour of people who have strong borderline personality disorder traits.

The mood changes, the extreme desire and extreme fear of intimacy, the shutting out of the person after sex and the general push-pull dynamic. What makes it crazier is that loving/making you feel special thing how it starts and the shut down afterwards.

Of course this is just based on some responses from you but when you mentioned your grandmother it made me think you had a BPD person in your family and it's quite common unfortunately as an adult then to be attracted to similar women.

Have a look at this thread and see whether it helps you at all - though you hardly know this woman. She has clearly drawn you in and disturbed you enough. The tendency for people that date anyone who has this condition or has strong enough traits is to try to make them go back to the loving needy people they were when they met.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway

Edited July 25, 2013 by Emilia

July 25, 2013

What you are describing to me is consistent with the behaviour of people who have strong borderline personality disorder traits.

The mood changes, the extreme desire and extreme fear of intimacy, the shutting out of the person after sex and the general push-pull dynamic. What makes it crazier is that loving/making you feel special thing how it starts and the shut down afterwards.

Of course this is just based on some responses from you but when you mentioned your grandmother it made me think you had a BPD person in your family and it's quite common unfortunately as an adult then to be attracted to similar women.

Have a look at this thread and see whether it helps you at all - though you hardly know this woman. She has clearly drawn you in and disturbed you enough. The tendency for people that date anyone who has this condition or has strong enough traits is to try to make them go back to the loving needy people they were when they met.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway

My goodness. This is her, spot on. She had an extreme desire for me, to the point where we would talk constantly throughout the day and until very late at night - then the sex happened, and it's now like trying to get blood out of a stone. And yeah, I am totally trying to get back to where we were.

Do you think, Emilia, it's worth telling her that I want us to be where we were? I mean, I'm not really one for games or strung out tactics, playing it cool for days on end blah blah blah. I want to know, right now, where I stand. I don't want to waste any more time on this if it isn't going anywhere.

I want to say, "Look babe, I really am sad that what happened did happen so soon, but I would like to try and get back to where we were. If that's what you want, or you don't want it, you have to let me know so I can either move on or keep trying with you" - but the thing is, as soon as I do say this, she'll shut down completely - and THAT is what I'm most afraid of.

July 25, 2013

My goodness. This is her, spot on. She had an extreme desire for me, to the point where we would talk constantly throughout the day and until very late at night - then the sex happened, and it's now like trying to get blood out of a stone. And yeah, I am totally trying to get back to where we were.

Do you think, Emilia, it's worth telling her that I want us to be where we were? I mean, I'm not really one for games or strung out tactics, playing it cool for days on end blah blah blah. I want to know, right now, where I stand. I don't want to waste any more time on this if it isn't going anywhere.

I want to say, "Look babe, I really am sad that what happened did happen so soon, but I would like to try and get back to where we were. If that's what you want, or you don't want it, you have to let me know so I can either move on or keep trying with you" - but the thing is, as soon as I do say this, she'll shut down completely - and THAT is what I'm most afraid of.

Did you read Downtown's post, I think #7 on that thread?

July 25, 2013

Did you read Downtown's post, I think #7 on that thread?

I did, yes....

July 25, 2013

I'm stuck, now. I've been drawn in and she doesn't even seem to care, now. We're currently having a "conversation" on WhatsApp but she will come online and go offline without even replying to my part of the conversation. I know a lot of people will just say, give up, move on, but yeah...like I said, I've been drawn in. It's almost like an addiction.

July 25, 2013

I'm stuck, now. I've been drawn in and she doesn't even seem to care, now. We're currently having a "conversation" on WhatsApp but she will come online and go offline without even replying to my part of the conversation. I know a lot of people will just say, give up, move on, but yeah...like I said, I've been drawn in. It's almost like an addiction.

I recognise that you probably need to get hurt more and hit rock bottom unfortunately before you are ready to move on.

If you are looking to read more and for support here is another thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/380507-calling-all-those-bpd

It's a long running one but it's still active. You can talk to us when you are ready

We also discuss the reasons why some of us that are attracted to broken people, it is something that you will have to work out in yourself otherwise you will be stuck in a cycle.

July 25, 2013

It seems she is carefull with having sex to early cause she might feel more weak after sex, she might be afriad of getting attached to you to soon and getting hurt. Just my personal thoughts, from what you describe she can feel it was to soon. You can give her space now although it's hard for you at this moment not hearing anyhting can be heartbreaking for you.

I suggest giving her space and then tell her you really want to be with her for real! I think she might have past experences wich make her think that after having sex its over or the men will walk away from her, or will only like her because of the sex.... Maybe you can ask her if she wants to talk about it... Good luck

July 25, 2013

I recognise that you probably need to get hurt more and hit rock bottom unfortunately before you are ready to move on.

If you are looking to read more and for support here is another thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/380507-calling-all-those-bpd

It's a long running one but it's still active. You can talk to us when you are ready

We also discuss the reasons why some of us that are attracted to broken people, it is something that you will have to work out in yourself otherwise you will be stuck in a cycle.

Thank you so much for the insight, everything you've shown me has made perfect sense Emilia. I will definitely come and read the thread - and I do think, unfortunately that I will have to get hurt before I realise.

July 25, 2013

It seems she is carefull with having sex to early cause she might feel more weak after sex, she might be afriad of getting attached to you to soon and getting hurt. Just my personal thoughts, from what you describe she can feel it was to soon. You can give her space now although it's hard for you at this moment not hearing anyhting can be heartbreaking for you.

I suggest giving her space and then tell her you really want to be with her for real! I think she might have past experences wich make her think that after having sex its over or the men will walk away from her, or will only like her because of the sex.... Maybe you can ask her if she wants to talk about it... Good luck

I have given her space, although we are talking she seems friendly enough. Her phone's broken now, so space is forced now anyway, whether I want it or not. It IS hard to give space, but that's the only option I have.

I saw a blog of hers in which she described herself with many different words and sentences - one sentence being "I love you, and then I push you away; I want you, but not so close" - biggest clue ever. It's her typical behaviour, I guess.

July 25, 2013

Thank you so much for the insight, everything you've shown me has made perfect sense Emilia. I will definitely come and read the thread - and I do think, unfortunately that I will have to get hurt before I realise.

It is the way sometimes, don't be too hard on yourself. You are probably what we refer to as an 'excessive caretaker' ie codependent. Looking forward to talking to you more when you are ready

July 25, 2013

Seems as if she does. I spoke to her today, and she was insistent that it was not a past issue, the fact that it was because there is too much pressure (even though it was mutual).

Her words to me were that I should take a step back (again, mutual) as "this is very new, and I do enjoy talking to you, you're lovely - but if you don't take a step back, the situation will not go as you desire".

I have been no more forward than she has, but anyway. The last thing she said, to me, indicates that she still wants to talk, but just less intense? Or am I reading it wrong?

Well, this is more useful information. She feels like you're coming on too strong. Maybe you aren't, but "this is very new" means she's probably never felt this serious about someone, which is scary for her (though it's a good sign for you).

Just try to take things slow, slow things down as much as possible for now.

I always say women pretty much dictate the pace of a relationship because us guys are usually fine with any speed. It's rare for a guy to say "things are going too fast" because when we really like someone it's easy to get over our almost-default commitment issues and we're cool either way.

You seem to really like her, so just let things go at the pace she feels most comfortable with.

July 25, 2013

Well, this is more useful information. She feels like you're coming on too strong. Maybe you aren't, but "this is very new" means she's probably never felt this serious about someone, which is scary for her (though it's a good sign for you).
Just try to take things slow, slow things down as much as possible for now.

I always say women pretty much dictate the pace of a relationship because us guys are usually fine with any speed. It's rare for a guy to say "things are going too fast" because when we really like someone it's easy to get over our almost-default commitment issues and we're cool either way.

You seem to really like her, so just let things go at the pace she feels most comfortable with.

I do really like her, so I guess I'll keep it slow for the next week...if nothing happens during that time, I'll tell her how I feel and see what the reaction is...As much as I do like her, I'm only willing to spend a certain amount of time on this...it's not good for my health, I don't think. Too much thinking.

July 26, 2013

I can never successfully manage to give space, correctly.

I've just sent her a message, telling her that I'm trying to give her as much space as I can, but after what's happened I'm finding it hard to do that. I told her I miss how we were, and that I want it to be like that again. I know this was a bad move, but to go from talking daily several times, and then cuddling and having sex to not talking at all, to me, is too difficult.

No doubt she will fly off the handle at me, or accuse me of being too needy. Which I'm not, I simply miss her.

Sign In

She's ignoring me, why?

Recommended Posts

ToyStoryThree

Emilia

ToyStoryThree

Emilia

ToyStoryThree

Emilia

ToyStoryThree

Emilia

ToyStoryThree

ToyStoryThree

Emilia

ToyStoryThree

Emilia

ToyStoryThree

Emilia

ToyStoryThree

ToyStoryThree

Emilia

Sunny85

ToyStoryThree

ToyStoryThree

Emilia

twinkie0

ToyStoryThree

ToyStoryThree

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...