Lonely_Girl615 Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 There's this guy at my church who plays the guitar. I have a small crush on him, but I tend to stare often at him since I find him very attractive plus he's right on stage so it's sort of difficult to not look in his direction. I've noticed him looking back at me a few times, or at least it looks like he's looking in my direction. One time when I sat closer to him, we made eye contact, and he kept staring at me for a few seconds. It was too intense for me so I couldn't look back or even do something like smile. Also, usually before the worship service starts, the chorus and the band gather in a prayer circle. In one of these instances when he was in the prayer circle, he was standing with his back to me, but I suppose he felt me staring at him so he looked quickly at me then turned away. Thing is I would like to know if he's looking at me because he also likes me back? Or do I actually creep him out? I'm wondering if he's just trying to catch me in the act? I did notice he's been walking by my row before the service begins (not right by me though, just by the area where I'm sitting). I'm assuming to take a leak before getting back on stage (sorry for being blunt). What do you think? Does it seem like I have a chance with him? Or does he think I'm a freak? I'm a little dense when it comes to this kind of stuff (haven't dated in a long while so I've completely lost my touch) so any advice you can provide would be great. Thanks!
TaserTag Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 If you can't look at this guy, smile at him, or have a conversation with him, then it's safe to say that you don't have much of a chance with him. Maintaining eye contact and smiling at someone is the best way to initially show interest. If you've been avoiding him and looking away from him, he likely doesn't have any idea that you're into him. I doubt that he finds you creepy/thinks you're a freak, though. It's hard to say whether or not you have a chance with someone when you haven't really worked up the courage to interact with them. I'd suggest trying to strike up a conversation with him and making an effort to smile at him, for starters.
Author Lonely_Girl615 Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 That sounds good, but see I have big problem. See, I actually have a facial scar. It's not big, not a gash, and it's on the peripheral of my face but it's still noticeable from up close. I usually wear makeup but even then you can still see it because of its shape. That's why I haven't bothered to approach him or something. I'm so scared that once he sees the scar, I'll scare him away. This actually depresses me. Because I'm too scared of taking a chance out of fear of how he will judge/perceive me due to the scar but then again, I don't know whether he'll be more accepting and actually turn out to be the love of my life. What would you do?
white Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 How bad is this scar? I could go for a chick with a badass facial scar. Tell people you got it in a knife fight during a turf war. Or you fenced a Bavarian sabre master for the right to his wine cellar. Seriously, if he recoils in horror from your scar it's his problem. I mean what's the plan here, always talk to him sideways, date him sideways, develop a relationship sideways, and **** him sidew... forget that last point. How are you ever going to meet someone who accepts your scar if you hide it from everyone.
Author Lonely_Girl615 Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 The scar is pretty bad, and I assure you that it doesn't look cool. I can tell people are repelled by me when they see me. It's small, but still very visible. I've become sort of a hermit and only leave my house to go to work and church (sometimes, not often, the beach). But I'm 29, still single, and want a relationship. I can't go on passing up every opportunity whenever I see someone interesting but don't do anything about it because of the scar. It's intolerable by now.
happywithlife Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 If your scare is holding you back that much I suggest you look into plastic surgery and also counseling. If you stop and observe, some of the people we think are attractive aren't really a 10/10. They are just confident. Build your confidence and your love of yourself before you worry about dating. Otherwise you are holding yourself and any relationship you could have with someone back. Everyone is different, embrace who you are.
TaserTag Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 The facial scar is not really the problem (and you even say it's just a small scar in your posts), your insecurity and obsessing over it is the problem. You asked what I would do in light of this information, and my advice is still the same. You have to make an effort to smile, be friendly, have conversations, and be open with someone if you want to show them that you're interested in them and have them like you back. It's really simple when you get down to it. It's always scary to put yourself out there when you like someone, no matter what you look like. Keep using makeup to accentuate the features you like about yourself, wear clothes that make you feel beautiful and comfortable, and make an effort to smile and be friendly with people. People will like you if you are pleasant to be around. I am covered in scars (I had a rough childhood, to put it mildly) and people generally don't even notice. When people have asked me about my scars, I usually make up a funny story about how I got them and we move on. Your scar can certainly 'look cool' if you act cool. Most people will just assume that you went through something serious or had an accident and got a scar, and most people will not hold that against you or be sitting around obsessing over it. The people that are 'repulsed' are probably not of great quality to begin with. A lot of studies have even shown that women find scars attractive and men generally don't care either way. It's likely that you're the only one who is really focused on your scars. If you are able to see a therapist, some counseling might really help to get an outside perspective and start building your self esteem back up (and working through any trauma you might have related to the scarring). Or even just taking some self help books out of the library if you don't have access to counseling. You can either let a small scar on your face completely control and ruin your life or you can move on from it. Like you already said, you want a relationship and "I can't go on passing up every opportunity whenever I see someone interesting." You should focus on what you want for your future and stop holding yourself back from being happy...
Author Lonely_Girl615 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 I like all of your advice! All I have left to say now is that I've been through counseling already, and it's still difficult to deal with this. People give me weird stares all the time. I'm trying to ignore that but sometimes it's just too hard to walk around with my head held high without fearing someone staring at me. On another note, well I saw him again last night and noticed that he's trying really hard to avoid looking at me altogether. He'll give me a glance here and there but not much. I sat closer to the stage and almost in front of him this time. He's even positioning his body away from my direction. So now I wonder if he's repulsed by the way I look because he already saw the scar or if he finds me annoying? I'm trying not to even notice him but it's hard because he's always on stage. I mean, where else am I going to look? That's how I noticed him in the first place! So, now I'm not sure I can approach him when he seems to be trying really hard to avoid me. Since I like this church a lot, I've decided to not stop going just because of this one guy. It's hard to find a church that totally accepts everyone. Plus so many people go there that no one really notices me LOL (well except for this guitar player haha). All of this guessing back and forth makes me want to give up entirely on love forever!
NJtoDC Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 It sounds like you are so worried about being accepted that you try to read everyone's mind, determine through telepathy what they are thinking of you just from a look, and preemptively reject them to avoid the possibility of them rejecting you. The truth is that you have no idea what thought accompanies the look you sometimes get from this fella or other people. The way you describe your scar, I doubt it's because of that. Heck, perhaps your discomfort with your scar leads you to having a look on your face that leads others to say "what is her problem!" I'd try and learn not to judge others. You've shut yourself off from life, all based on assumptions! You even contemplated leaving your church after deciding that the looks the fella you are crushing on gives you are not interest but disinterest. Stop it. When you think these negative thoughts of others you not only hurt yourself you are really accusing the other person of being shallow and unkind all over a scar. It's likely not the case and it's unfair to you and them to believe the worst of them. Take chances! Self consciousness is uncomfortable for you and those around you. Step out, take a chance, even get hurt sometimes but LIVE! When you judge the thoughts of others tell yourself to stop. Stop trying to read minds and body language. Then take a baby step: make eye contact and smile at this young man. If you are lacking confidence in dating what about trying online dating, like with a Christian site?
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