Contact with the OM's wife?

[zoobadger]

I'm not going to contact her, but in this open book age of Facebook and social media I'm sure jilted spouses sometimes reach out to each other.

 

When I first learned of my wife's affair, I looked at the OM's Facebook page. Then, from there, linked to his STBXW's page, and found a gallery of photos showing her and the OM renewing their vows three short years ago on their 25th wedding anniversary.

 

I felt really bad for her: imagining all the dreams she had of growing old together, their children coming home with grandkids for the holidays; all of it up in smoke. Unlike me, she apparently had no idea and didn't see it coming. I have to admit, it would be comforting to bask in her contempt for my wife, lol...

 

But I'm not going there. I'm dating, I've got a really nice apartment that my kids enjoy, I'm relishing free evenings when the kids are with their mom, and it's mostly my bruised ego that's stoking my anger. I'm not in the same place emotionally as his wife, and it would be irresponsible to stir up more trouble than already exists.

 

Still..... I'm sure many people in my situation have yielded to the temptation, and click that little "message" button and started a conversation with the OM or OW's spouse.

[LisaLee]

I feel bad that his wife doesn't know. Depending on the situation, I usually tend to lean toward exposure. Not to be vindictive, but I feel bad for the chump left in the dark.

[oldshirt]

Is their affair still ongoing? Is she aware?

 

Is your divorce finalized?

[zoobadger]

She does know. Apparently, though, his desire to leave the marriage came as a surprise as did his relationship with my wife.

 

If my wife had come to me before her affair and said she thought we ought to end our marriage, I'd have (sadly) agreed with her. So my situation is very different.

[zoobadger]

My wife and I are separated and in the process of divorce. At this point, we both agree that divorce is best. My understanding is that his wife wants to stay married to him.

 

Yes, my wife and the OM are still together and planning a future with each other. It might crash and burn as transition relationships often do, but for now it's still in full bloom.

[LisaLee]

I guess I am confused then, what would be the point of contacting her if she already knows? Does she believe she is in reconciliation with her husband? Is she not aware that the affair is still ongoing?

[zoobadger]

I guess I am confused then, what would be the point of contacting her if she already knows? Does she believe she is in reconciliation with her husband? Is she not aware that the affair is still ongoing?

 

Commiseration. We've both been hurt by the affair.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I don't believe the spouse knows unless you tell her directly. It's typical WS MO to say they know.

[zoobadger]

I don't believe the spouse knows unless you tell her directly. It's typical WS MO to say they know.

 

Well, if he's lying, he's really laying it on pretty thick. My STBXW told me he wants to meet our children and move here (he lives out of town but travels to where we live for business weekly).

 

When they first hooked up, he told my wife that he was already separated. I'm pretty sure that was a lie. But I believe his wife does know about him and my wife.

[zoobadger]

HA HA!!! I had to laugh at this because I'd feel the exact same way! A comrade that has been hurt by "them". Isn't that why we come here to LS? looking for comfort in our sharing? Helping others come through the tunnel of hell has helped me help myself:confused:

 

I was fortunate enough to have 2 friends that were going through the same thing at the same time. I feel horrible for them, but so thankful that I had them to cry with and drink lots and lots of wine!

 

Yeah, it's comforting to have somebody who understands firsthand the pain of all this. I'm sure the OM's wife would have a lot of very interesting insights. But it would just be throwing gas on the fire.

[zoobadger]

I damn sure would reach out to her. She is hurting. If nothing else you may be able to help her heal as you have helped people here.

 

Bashing my ex-wife to the OM's wife would surely incite a firestorm, risking the delicate harmony my STBX and I have in terms of co-parenting and working through the early stages of divorce.

 

My STBX is a narcissist (in the clinical, personality disorder sense). I'm lucky to be free of her even if I'm bitter about being rejected.

 

If it would do any good, and if I were a truly saintly individual, I'd reach out to the other man and explain to him that an infatuated narcissist is amazing to behold.

 

Their romantic overtures happen so quickly and appear to contain so much sincere emotional conviction that the object of their desire is often swept off their feet. And why not? They are the recipients of compliments, gifts, thoughtful gestures, and—above all—statements that imply the sense of an almost mystical bond as well as an intention to preserve that bond in a future together.

 

Her relationship with him exhibits all the classic behaviors of the infatuated narcissist:

 

• Assumes there will be instant exclusivity in the relationship.
  
• Declares their “love” after knowing you only a brief time.
  
• Continually dwells on similarities between the two of you.
  
• Monopolizes your time so that you see less of friends and family.
  
• Disparages others in your life or previous lovers.
  
• Wants to be almost constantly in contact by phone, e-mail, instant messaging, and so on.
  
• Maintains that they alone understand the “real you.”
  

[zoobadger]

You are absolutely taking the right approach in this, not to mention the high road. Your contacting her at this point would probably only make things worse for her, not to mention it would negatively impact your need to remain in good communication with your ex for the sake of the kids. You and your ex are still their parents and it will take a lot of work and patience but you can still work well together to be the great parents your kids deserve.

 

Yeah, thanks. I'm going through an "angry" phase right now so I'm definitely at risk of doing something stupid that I'll regret later.

 

We made the decision to get divorced at the end of May but circumstances have prevented me from really living on my own until just recently. So I'm mentally six weeks into this, but practically, only a week or two. So I've got a long way to go.

 

And without going into tedious detail my anger is justified not only because she took up with another man and hid the affair, but for a lot of other stuff over the past five years.

 

But I need to separate from her physically and emotionally, focus on co-parenting, focus on my future as a single person, and stop wallowing self-indulgently in the past. Rebuild and build a social life, etc. The anger just inhibits all those things.

 

That's what the white cartoon angel over my right shoulder keeps telling me. The black angel keeps jabbing me with his pitchfork reminding me how satisfying it would be to commiserate with the OM's wife. The black angel was napping for a couple of days last week, but apparently woke up refreshed and ready to go at me hammer and tongs for a while, lol.

[zoobadger]

Looking more closely at his FB page I see congenial responses by her to his posts as recently as two weeks ago. He rarely posts other than occasional photos and "checking in" as he travels around.

 

But, if they're separated and she's deeply embittered, why would she even still be an FB friend, to say nothing of posting friendly little comments on his status updates?

 

If he's playing her, he's playing a really dangerous game. They have close business ties and the relationship is risky professionally even if both are on the up and up with each other. If it flames out spectacularly, and one party is deeply aggrieved, it's going to get really ugly for everybody. Including me, since she'd be in danger of losing her job.

 

Yeesh. She should have just told me she wanted a divorce and joined match.com. I'd have agreed. I wasn't happy either. Huge mistake for us not to approach this like grownups and just split up. Hard to do that, though. Most people probably wait until circumstances push them, like falling in love.

[zoobadger]

Maybe she is trying to be "the good wife" and be friendly. Didn't you say she wanted to stay in the marriage? Maybe she is trying to reconcile??

 

or, could be she is being gaslit, and has no idea about the affair??

 

or, the OM lied to your wife??

 

I guess the only real reason I need answers - other than unhealthy curiosity - is that she wants to introduce him to my kids. If the relationship is for real, and likely to be lasting, I don't like it but wouldn't object. But if he's a liar and a scoundrel, I don't want my kids getting sucked into whatever games he's playing. Well, we know he's a liar (as is my wife) but the scoundrel part remains unknown, lol.

[zoobadger]

Thats a valid point zoo. I agree, if he is indeed a scoundrel, it becomes pretty important to protect your small, impressionable children from him as best you can.

 

His job involves almost constant travel and he lives 1000 miles away. But he's here in our town pretty much weekly. So, until he truly separates and gets an apartment here, it's probably a moot point.

 

My therapist (and others) have recommended that I pick my battles and I'm going to call the guy's bluff on this one. Meeting the kids will only put more pressure on him to meet my STBX's demand that he get a divorce and set up housekeeping here where she lives.

 

Starting a huge brawl with the STBX on this would only encourage her to dig in her heels on the stuff that really matters in terms of our custody arrangement. And his travel schedule means the kids would see him pretty minimally even if I give my complete blessing.

 

Indeed, meeting the kids will put enormous pressure on him to follow through on his promise of divorce. What he needs is the calming hand of a sensible friend on his shoulder, reminding him that sacrificing a lifetime of accumulated wealth for a relationship with anybody is probably ill advised and he's do well to take a step back and think long and hard about this.

[2sunny]

Tell his wife he's planning a life with your soon to be exW and planning to meet your kids soon.

 

She deserves to know!

[zoobadger]

Tell his wife he's planning a life with your soon to be exW and planning to meet your kids soon.

 

She deserves to know!

 

It's tempting. But I don't think I want to jab a pitchfork into that particular hornet's nest.

 

I'm guessing that she knows. I assume my STBX did the same minimal Facebook sleuthing as me. The fact that she's still with the OM suggests he produced some kind of evidence to prove he's told her. STBX says that the wife "wants to talk to her." LOL. I'd love to be a fly on the wall during that particular conversation.

[zoobadger]

Do you think he has that kind of integrity?

 

Somehow I doubt it. I mean even if he meets your children...if he has no intention on divorcing his wife......what does he care if he met your children or not. I'm sure he'll be able to walk right out of their lives without a backward glance if need be. He did in fact insert himself into your marriage and help destroy it without an ounce of shame, right? He is supposedly walking away from his wife, right?

 

You think meeting your children (who I'm sure he could care less about) is going to pressure him to follow through? no Zoo, I highly doubt that.

 

I doubt he has an ounce of integrity, let alone that he's a keeper of his promises.

 

They're truly and utterly infatuated with each other. I've seen their emails. They're mutually convinced that they share a mystical bond that they'll share and savor for the rest of their lives.

 

And my STBX is pushing him to take concrete steps to end his marriage and commit to a life with her. We'll see in the coming weeks if he's got the guts to go through with it.

 

But, yes, he's an irresponsible *******, lol... But I have no control over the situation and sharing the details with his wife might needlessly cause additional conflict and unnecessary collateral damage.

 

He has an adult daughter - 23 or 24 years old. If I were actually going to reach out to somebody in his family, I might discreetly inquire with her about the status of their parent's marriage. She could, perhaps, sit down with dad and maybe talk some sense into his head before he causes any further harm.

[zoobadger]

By the way, just in case you come back to this thread....

 

My STBX is careless and I was able to read her email account. The OM's wife does not know, the OM was alarmed to discover that our 11 year old daughter learned of the affair, and he is also dragging his feet on some other things she's concerned about.

 

I never seriously considered emailing the OM's wife, but thank goodness I didn't. Increasingly, this looks like a transition relationship and goodness knows there's been enough damage done already.

[trippi1432]

By the way, just in case you come back to this thread....

 

My STBX is careless and I was able to read her email account. The OM's wife does not know, the OM was alarmed to discover that our 11 year old daughter learned of the affair, and he is also dragging his feet on some other things she's concerned about.

 

I never seriously considered emailing the OM's wife, but thank goodness I didn't. Increasingly, this looks like a transition relationship and goodness knows there's been enough damage done already.

 

Zoobadger - I was someone who didn't know....made a complete ass of myself for several months, paid $250 to a Divorce Busting coach to teach me how to get my husband back home....and the whole time, this OW had her husband sleeping on a couch. She even tried to pull down her first exH to get her second husband out of the house. Transition...perhaps...my exH has been living with his AP for almost four years now..married for two. She may have been much like your stbxw.....she needs because she walked away...now she can't have...awww, poor baby.

 

Probably the hardest thing I had to hear after this fallout were all the things my 13 year old son relayed from conversation at their house (these typically came up when I wouldn't buy him a $65 xbox game as his dad convinced him I was the "bank") Mom took the divorce bad (is there a good way to take it?)...Dad and "L" said you should just look up her husband and maybe the two of you will hit it off (divorce hurts...so yeah, my immaturity and hurt then told him to tell his Dad and "L" that she could have my sloppy seconds, I'll not take hers). Thank goodness both my son and I have matured beyond those trying times.

 

This woman was in his ear for probably several months, but I never knew. I also never took him to be that kind of man....no, I was not the perfect wife...he also was never the perfect husband...but I wish I had known. It would have made my healing a lot easier and no...doesn't mean I would need the person who told me shoulder to cry on...I just wish I had known.

[zoobadger]

Zoobadger - I was someone who didn't know....made a complete ass of myself for several months, paid $250 to a Divorce Busting coach to teach me how to get my husband back home....and the whole time, this OW had her husband sleeping on a couch. She even tried to pull down her first exH to get her second husband out of the house. Transition...perhaps...my exH has been living with his AP for almost four years now..married for two. She may have been much like your stbxw.....she needs because she walked away...now she can't have...awww, poor baby.

 

Probably the hardest thing I had to hear after this fallout were all the things my 13 year old son relayed from conversation at their house (these typically came up when I wouldn't buy him a $65 xbox game as his dad convinced him I was the "bank") Mom took the divorce bad (is there a good way to take it?)...Dad and "L" said you should just look up her husband and maybe the two of you will hit it off (divorce hurts...so yeah, my immaturity and hurt then told him to tell his Dad and "L" that she could have my sloppy seconds, I'll not take hers). Thank goodness both my son and I have matured beyond those trying times.

 

This woman was in his ear for probably several months, but I never knew. I also never took him to be that kind of man....no, I was not the perfect wife...he also was never the perfect husband...but I wish I had known. It would have made my healing a lot easier and no...doesn't mean I would need the person who told me shoulder to cry on...I just wish I had known.

 

My STBX and I were deeply unhappy and I have to admit that her affair was a symptom of a lonely marriage. I regret that we failed to build a warm and happy family life, and I feel heartbroken when I contemplate the occasional times when we were happy.

 

In reality, we were stressed out and miserable. Divorce is the right thing for us, unfortunately.

 

But, because of what I'm going through, I can easily imagine the hurt, the sense of loss, and the disorientation the OM"s wife is going to suffer if and when he leaves her. I'm imagining her with shattered dreams of a happy retirement spent traveling, of kids and grandchildren coming back to a beautiful home for the holidays, and growing old with her husband someplace warm and sunny. They're very well off and all those things are possible for them.

 

And I think he really needs to think long and hard before he gives all that up, to... He's an older guy and my kids are in gradeschool.

 

My STBX should take a little time for herself. Go on a dating site. Meet some nice, local divorced dads. Get out and enjoy herself in a healthy way that doesn't involve rampant dishonesty and destruction.

 

As I move ahead with my own life and the pain of the divorce fades this seem more and more obvious every day.