confused_gf Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 I went on weekend trip with my bf of about a month. We've been together for about four months and he finally asked me to be his gf about a month ago. We've been through a lot since we started dating. We've had a few upsets, not very many fights, but a lot of issues. We went away on this weekend trip and stood on a friends couch. We were holding each other and "I love you" just slipped out of my mouth. It was so natural that I even surprised myself at what I had said but I knew in my heart that I meant it. He just kept holding me and kissing me and I felt a bit saddened that he didn't say it back but I just felt happy that I expressed myself. The next day on the way back home, everything was fine until he brought it up. We were just talking when he said "Oh and you said I love you last night" I responded happily that I did - maybe even thinking he would say it back to me. Instead he asked me why. This really hurt my feelings as I now had to explain myself when really it just happened. I said *pretty hurt mind you* that I just said it because I felt it. He then proceeded to tell me that he feels the phrase gets thrown around too much and that if he would have said it back to me it wouldn't have felt as natural to him as it did for me. For the rest of the ride home I felt pretty sick to my stomach. I mean the issue wasn't that he didn't say it back but more or less that I went from feeling good about saying it to feeling bad for saying it. I almost felt like he brought it up as if I did something kind of "out there" or suspect. Like I made some kind of error. I tried to just remain calm but he kept pestering me about what was wrong with me. When we got home I basically told him how depressed I was feeling and I could tell he felt pretty bad about it. I tried to be sympathetic but I just couldn't get over my feelings about what had happened. This is also one of several times where I've felt so hurt emotionally by him that I've considered leaving him and he knows that as well. He ended up saying "I love you" after a long tearful talk about things which only made me feel more depressed given the circumstances he said it under. I also made it very clear that he didn't have to say and that's not why I was upset. He left and now I'm really feeling like maybe this isn't the relationship for me even though I love this person so much. I thought we were made for each other and now I feel like we are not even on the same page at all. I just want to make the right decision for me. The relationship seems to be very up and down, and after having such a great weekend to have it end on that note was very devastating. Thoughts?
Philosoraptor Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 "This is also one of several times where I've felt so hurt emotionally by him that I've considered leaving him" is what stood out most for me. You've been together four months and he's already done several things that have hurt you that deeply? Regardless if it's your sensitivity or him being an ass, there is an incompatibility here. His response though was pretty clueless. It would have been one thing to simply say "I really like you, but I'm not at that point yet", but he asked why you said it instead. A very up and down relationship at this point usually means there are deeper issues. I'd reconsider this relationship all together. It this something you want to deal with long term? He's not suddenly going to change who he is for you. Can you accept him this way? 2
kaylan Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 (edited) ^I agree with this post. Also you gotta realize OP, that for many people, a month is just too early in for them to know if theyre in love or not. If doesnt mean he doesnt care for you. And it doesnt mean he wont get to where you think he should be. Give it time. He did handle things poorly by telling you he feels the word gets thrown around. Some guys make me scratch my head. I hope you can get passed this. Edited July 22, 2013 by kaylan 5
Star Gazer Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 ^I agree with this post. Also you gotta realize OP, that for many people, a month is just too early in for them to know if theyre in love or not. If doesnt mean he doesnt care for you. And it doesnt mean he wont get to where you think he should be. Give it time. He did handle things poorly by telling you he feels the word gets thrown around. Some guys make me scratch my head. I hope you can get passed this. They've been dating for FOUR months, not one. 2
kaylan Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 ^Theyve still only been official for a month. Thats when the real committed serious feelings start for me. Personally my mind wouldnt be thinking about love during the uncommitted dating stage. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 His response was strange. I can understand not saying it back if he feels he's not in love yet, but asking you why you said it? Odd. You said you've been very hurt before by him. Coupled with this most event, I'd say it isn't the relationship for you. As you said, it doesn't seem as though you're on the same page. What were the quasi-dealbreakers you previous almost left him over?
zanesfan Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 I didnt read your entire post ConfusedGF, but I wouldnt worry to much. My bf told me after a month he loved me and I was blown away. Ok granted I have strong feelings for him but I wasnt sure it was love. I didnt know what to say but the look in his eye long for me to tell him back and I did -- although I wasnt ready to say it yet. Sometimes people need to cross that bridge when they are ready. Just because you feel a certain way doesnt mean your beau should. Also my last 2 serious relationships took way longer. One told me after 7 months and the other told me after 8 months. So it varies.
Keenly Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Maybe I'm getting the wrong impression, but what I see is as follows. You said I love you. He reacted by holding you and kissing you. Showing how he liked that you said it. He was not ready to say it back. So you did the woman thing of " what's wrong, nothing I'm fine " and then guilt tripped him into saying I love you. I'm probably wrong, feel free to tell me if I am. But this is my impression. I don't really see why problems are created out of thin air with issues like saying "I love you." Which by the way is a really small issue in the grand scope of things. 2
Author confused_gf Posted July 22, 2013 Author Posted July 22, 2013 Maybe I'm getting the wrong impression, but what I see is as follows. You said I love you. He reacted by holding you and kissing you. Showing how he liked that you said it. He was not ready to say it back. So you did the woman thing of " what's wrong, nothing I'm fine " and then guilt tripped him into saying I love you. I'm probably wrong, feel free to tell me if I am. But this is my impression. I don't really see why problems are created out of thin air with issues like saying "I love you." Which by the way is a really small issue in the grand scope of things. Keenly, I mentioned several times throughout my post that my intention was never to guilt trip him into saying I love you back. When he said this under duress it made me feel worse as I already knew it would and it was the last thing that I wanted. The real problem arose when he asked me why I had said what I said and making statements that suggested that perhaps I was just "throwing words around" when very deep emotions went into what I said. I was very proud of what and when I said it, regardless of his response. When you are already scared of rejection it is hard to make a case for why you would say "I love you" to someone, especially when you didn't even think about it to begin with. Point blank: it sucks to tell your feelings to someone and not have them reciprocated back in the fashion you expected, but I can deal with that as a part of life. To have your feelings questioned and handled carelessly hurts even more. I respect your opinion, but I am not a "typical woman" desperate to know she is loved and I find that statement to be an oversimplification of the scenario that I am dealing with. I do think that if I wasn't as sensitive as I am, I could have handled the situation better. But I have just accepted that I am that way and that I probably won't change.
Author confused_gf Posted July 22, 2013 Author Posted July 22, 2013 Honestly, thanks everyone for the input. Part of the reason I came here was because I hadn't spoken to him since the incident, but he called me today and our conversation put my mind at ease. I think we have both accepted that we are two different people with two very different ways of seeing and handling situations. Now I am just searching within myself to understand if this is the right situation for me, but I do know that I love him.
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