lizzy31291 Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 (edited) Hi, my boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 1/2 years. (I am 22 and he is 23) We were an amazing couple, we had our fair share of ups and downs, but there was always love and we became each others best friends. When we hit the 5 years mark I started to notice that my boyfriend was being distant, (now we are a long distance couple only a half an hour away so we had space from each other.) I just noticed he would hang out with his friends more than me and that would hurt me of course. I am very close to his family and they even noticed the change; I was not coming over as often. Now it's summer time and we starting fighting a lot, and 2 weeks ago things got worse, he was not calling me as often and his texts were not as regular. We always had good communication because we were a long distant couple, so I talked with him about it and he kept telling me he was going to fix things, I wanted to wait and see because I really did not want to end things because of this. He called me up the next day after our talk and he started to cry and I knew where the conversation was going and I asked for him to met me in person. He told me he needs time to find himself, and that he feels like he is confused about everything in his life. He said he was not looking to date other people, but that he needs to be independent without me right now. He kept saying he did not want to hurt me or for me to hate him. I was so shocked I did not know that was how he felt. I was a an amazing gf to him and we talked about marriage and moving in together in the future. I just did not know how our relationship came to a stop. It has been 11 days since we broke up. He contacted me the day after the breakup at 5:30 am via text message saying he does not mean to lead me on, but he can't stop thinking of me and that he misses me and that he hopes we can grow from this and that he did this for the better of our relationship and that he wants me to know how much he cares about me. I responded 5 days later saying: I think we both need time to think about what we want. We have no talked since, I really think he needs this space for himself. He is in the middle of getting a new job and I know he has a hard time coping with stress because of his anxiety. I just want us to work out so badly because I truly love him with all my heart, but I know this needed to happen, if we ever want to get back together. I feel like he took me for granted and thought I was always going to be there and he got uninterested. He even unfriended me from his facebook, I'm guessing it is too hard to see my picture and statuses. Please I need advice what do you think I should do? I am not going to wait around, but I do not want to date anyone else. I truly think within time he will come to his sense but he is going through so sort of quarter life crisis. His mom is even saying he is so confused about everything in his life. I just hope he contacts me again... Do you think we have any chance of ever getting back together??? Please only answer this if you are going to give me helpful advice I am just so confused. Edited July 23, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs and descriptive title
LinkWorshiper Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Some people may disagree with me, but I think the quarter-life crisis thing is very real. Especially for young men. My man is currently going through one himself, and he's been pretty much a disaster zone since we broke up five months ago, not just around me, but his friends as well. I think it's hard for anyone to predict what will happen, especially for people who don't know your man the way you do. Having said that, I think you handled it in the best way possible and skipped a lot of potential on the emotional rollercoaster. I made the mistake of riding this with my man for a few months, and there wasn't much progress for either of us, ESPECIALLY him, until I decided to take a step back. We are still apart, but I am more confident that the space will solve things much more quickly than the way it had been before, with us hanging out together as friends. And actually I'm more confident than I've ever been that things have a good chance of working out when he solves all this, mostly because after 3 weeks of NC, he wrote me a rather emotional letter saying pretty much that. But really, no one knows what your man will do. You probably know better than any of us because you know him. I can only tell you based on what I've seen not only in my man, but also in my brother and some other young men I know. They've all done this. It's a thing they do. If anything, I wouldn't worry that it has anything to do with you, and if they have time to find that clarity, then if the love was there, they should come back. My brother... for another short story... had a great girlfriend that he dumped during his QLC. I remember a day he was crying on the phone to our mom about how upset he was when he realized his mistake, but the girl ("the one who got away") had already moved on to a new boyfriend. But my brother really did some damage on her by leaving her... she loved him like crazy. (And my mom said to him, "Well, don't be angry with her because you're an idiot who didn't know what he had.") So take those two stories for what they are and then figure out how YOU want to handle it. Because at this point, he's figuring his own BS out... so you have to decide what you're going to do in the meantime.
TaraMaiden Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 First I strongly advise you to read the No Contact Link in my signature (item #2). Then, in a nutshell: he's keeping in touch for 2 reasons: One, because it's a habit that's hard to break, and Two it appeases his guilt if he can still get you to talk to him. It makes him feel better about dumping you and less of a heel for being so vague. Everything he's saying to you is known as 'throwing breadcrumbs'. It fundamentally means nothing other than "I feel better now!" (That's on his part, not yours.) Cut off all contact (yes, I'm completely and utterly serious) do not for one moment believe you can either keep in contact with him AND get over this or just remain friends. That doesn't happen. And really, you will date again. Yes, you will. Your ex and you got together when your brains weren't fully developed and it may surprise you to know they still aren't. You may believe this means therefore that, when everything is all connected and "working as it should" then he'll be back. Forget it. If anything, that just manifests as maturity, and the realisation that 'First Love' doesn't last half as much as people believe it does.
BC1980 Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 It's not fair for him to keep you on the back burner. He is free to leave the relationship, but he cannot expect you to simply be there with open arms if he wants you back. If he feels you will always be there, he has no real fear of losing you. So he is never forced to make a decision. My last relationship fell into this trap. My ex was the classic guy that can't commit for no really good reason. Had a string of ex girlfriends a mile long. He would keep saying he needed more time, and I would always try to reassure him. He would try to reassure himself until he ended it one day. Biggest mistake I ever made was staying as long as I did. He took me for granted because he had no real fear of losing me. I was always the trusty girlfriend who stuck around. I would not contact him at all. The ball is in his court if he wants a reconciliation, and that might take awhile. I would not be there waiting for his reply. I would be doing my own thing. If he does come back, it will be awhile.
Author lizzy31291 Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 Thank you all for your advice, It made me feel better about my situation!
Author lizzy31291 Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 Also I wanted to say I am doing a 30 day N/C possibly longer if I feel I need it.
TaraMaiden Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I understand where you're coming from, but true, workable and effective NC has no limit. Don't impose a time-schedule on it, or you'll end up 'calendar-watching'. All you want from him is the complete 180 turnaround, as described in the NC Guide. No Contact is for keeps. And No Contact - is for you.
Author lizzy31291 Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 That is a very good point, I need to see a major change within him and I need to know he wants it more than I do. At this point I am focusing on myself and trying to heal, but everyday something reminds me of him and I get sad. I have no urges to text or call him because I am sort of in the anger stage right now. I know he is going to regret his decision and I know he misses me too. Men just handle their emotions differently by staying busy. I really do not even know if I would get back together with him because he has hurt me so much, but I do still love and care about him. I do need time to heal and worry about myself. I truly believe that people never know what they have until its gone and I am not going to wait around because it may be too late for him by the time he figures it out. I really appreciate your advice, I have never been on one of these forums, but when your put in a situation and you have friends and family telling you all sorts of things you sometimes need an outsiders point of view.
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