VanCal Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Hi first time poster, ill try to make this short. Im 27, my ex (23yr old) broke up with me about a month ago, we were seeing each other for about 6 months since Jan. When I first met her in December, we met through a mutual friend, and it was like sparks at first sight. We didn’t talk or anything but she was just in the process of breaking up with her boyfriend (which she was over him along time ago, like a year, just didn’t know how to break up with him) eventually she did and then we started talking more and more, and she admitted of having all these feelings for me before we started talking, we were taking it slow, which I didn’t mind at all. she would call me all the time, we were really affectionate and started making future plans, it was solid connection. there was always the issue of taking it real slow because she was in fear of getting hurt (her ex was her first, cheated on her and treated her like crap) so she was over him but just still really hurt by that relationship. I tried to tell her a few times before that maybe she wasn’t ready and we should just be apart for awhile but she always said no or it wouldn’t last not even a week before she called me, she was adamant that she wanted to be with me. It finally started to take off in May, her feelings for me were strong at this point. But suddenly in the middle of june one morning I get this text saying her feelings haven’t changed but they are not strong enough to be in a relationship with me because she knew how much I liked her and she doesn’t want to hurt me blah blah all the excuses, at first I was shocked I tried to talk about it but she didn’t want to, so after that day I left her alone gave her some space, didn’t beg or plead. I asked if there was someone else, she said no not at all she would tell me if there was. Which I believe. (I checked with my friend later as well who was like a close friend of hers and mine, more mine, and he assured me it wasn’t any other person in the picture) so I accepted that she just wasn’t ready. Two weeks later I get this message from her saying “hi hows it going”. I acted pretty casual but the conversation didn’t really go anywhere, not sure why she called really maybe just breadcrumbs. So I end up calling her a few days later on that same week, were we had nice little chat where she admitted to missing me alot but just doesn’t have the energy to be in a new relationship. And wanted to be friends though, I told I couldn’t be friends with her because of my feelings for her, she got upset but I pretty much said goodbye and all the best. A few days later she rings me but I didn’t pick up, I rang her the next day asking about why she called? She said something reminded her of me and wanted to say hi, I just had to retell her that I didn’t want to be a jerk and ignore her but sorry I couldn’t be friends. So then she said fine letting go, is what should happen. So that’s where we are now, I haven’t been in contact with her for over a week. No facebook friends or unfollowed each other on instagram, just trying to move on, ive been hurting pretty bad over this, but I’ve been just trying to stay strong and move forward. I know No contact is about healing yourself and not getting your ex back, just moving forward, which im trying to do, but cant help but have a little hope. it wasnt a bad relationship, it was just bad timing, i believe. My question is if a relationship was good, and there was strong feelings between each other but the reason for breaking up was fear or not ready for a relationship. And there was no other guy. Would No contact maybe help that person become ready? Maybe they would see what she is missing? (assuming her feelings are strong for me). any advice? thanks for reading.
Philosoraptor Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 No contact doesn't suddenly make someone ready for a relationship, only personal growth does that. My advice is to just take care of yourself and do the things in life that make you happy. As "not ready for a relationship" often means not with you, or she's starting to see someone else she likes better and wants to keep you around just in case. Not saying that's the case here, but your focus needs to be on yourself nonetheless.
vnn Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 vancal, im through a similar situation.. i think NC, as the Philosoraptor said, doesnt make anyone ready for a relationship. I feel u bro, u want her back without doing NC, ok, lets think, if u could take care of yourself, YOURSELF FIRST, u could have a LIMITED contact with her, cuz she must feel the consequence for her decision, i think in your case, if u REALLY REALLY want her back, its a matter of being around when the time is right. maybe she wants to party just like my ex, who knows. but at the same time u r around, u should LIVE your life, maybe u dont want her anymore when she's back, doesnt matter if u gonna NC or not, the way to have her back, its living your life, and thats good bro.
Author VanCal Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 (edited) Thanks for the advice, I totally agree, about taking caring myself and just live my life, which im trying to do. Its been around two weeks NC right now, and i feel a bit better now. I don't think LC is possible or a good idea, like i said, the last time we had contact she suggested that letting go is what she thinks should happen. Only she can feel the consequence of her decision and with me hanging around i don't think she will. I think what it possibly comes down to, is that i was probably just a rebound guy, sucks to admit it, but it is really out of my control. im stuck between letting go and hoping she misses me (which is bad). so philosoraptor, what your saying is if she was really interested in me, she would of been ready to jump in a relationship with me without no doubt? dont relationships or bonds take time to build? In general, later on, people that finally become ready to date again do they ever consider going back to past exes? even though i would probably of moved on by then just wanted to know if that has happened to anyone? Edited July 25, 2013 by VanCal forgot to mention something
Philosoraptor Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Yes, if she really wanted to be with you she would have made that well known. Relationships do take time to build, but you were seeing each other for 6 months. By then you know if it's something you want for the long term or not. Sure, some people go backwards. But unless some major change has happened it's usually doomed for the same fate as whatever made them want to leave before is still there.
Author VanCal Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 can fear of commitment due to other circumstances not interfere with the true feelings for someone? could they not be just confused? or does that fear go away if your with the right partner?
vnn Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 can fear of commitment due to other circumstances not interfere with the true feelings for someone? could they not be just confused? or does that fear go away if your with the right partner? i think its not the fear of commitment, its more like immaturity i GUESS. female friends,some circunstances, and the fear of "oh god i have to enjoy life", and thats the result. people can be confused, otherwise a lot of them would not comeback as they really do most of the time...
LifeIsGreat Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 Maybe things were getting too serious too fast? Perhaps she has some unresolved issues around her last relationship? From what you say, it appears she IS into you. Even a rebound with the right person can turn into a good long term relationship. If you guys really care for each other, consider staying in her life but backing off so that she doesn't feel like you are wanting more than she can give at this point. With some patience and understanding you may be able to love her through whatever she is dealing with. This is where you have to "man up". Yeah, you may stay by her side and still things don't work out. But you'll never know until you try. I think sometimes we men are too quick to shut a woman out of our lives. In many cases we go NC as a power play.....to make someone miss us. But showing patience and standing by your woman is the REAL power play. Don't get me wrong, NC has its place. But from what you have said I think you guys may have some potential if you can stick by her side and be understanding of the 'weird' place she is in right now.
Author VanCal Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 thanks for the advice, even if i wanted to standby her, i dont think it would be possible now. last time we talked i asked if she was 100% sure she didn't want to be with me, she hesitated at first but then sqeaked out a yes (didnt sound that convincing but still i have to take her for her word).. so which i respond if thats how you feel then i have to accept that and that i won't contact her anymore, so i just feel i don't want to go back on my word. i don't want to chase her, i shouldn't have to IF she did contacts me again yea maybe i would try that approach, thats an IF she contacts me, sounded like she thought is was best for both of us to move on. so maybe she WAS into me but i guess not anymore. On a side note wanted to vent a bit..I went out last night with some friends, i met this girl, seemed real nice. we talked a bit and she gave me her number and wants to get together sometime. it was good to talk to her but my heart wasn't in it. i got home and i just felt worse. kept thinking about my ex. i sort of realized though or wondered if this is how my ex felt when i came along. she was interested and their was sparks but maybe her heart was just not in it yet. time heals all wounds, but is it just me or is time going really slowww lol
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