aricha31 Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Hi I am new here hopefully I don't get a bunch of comments about how dumb I am and stuff. I know believe me. I will start by saying I have been married for almost 8 yrs. I am the only person my husband has ever had sex with. Long story short because of my abusive mentally and physically past I ended up cheating on my husband it was with someone I talked to for about 2 weeks. After I told him I couldn't talk to or see him again. My husband doesnt know him. He never would have found out. Well I told him the next day. He asked me for details and I told him but with held information about 4 times. Needless to say he left with the intent of cheating but couldn't do it he origionally came back just because of my children. After explaining to him the reason for withholding information was because I didn't want to make things worse he explained he needed all the information to see if he was gonna try to make things work. This happened about 2 months ago. I have never even thought about another guy. It was just a lapse of judgement I realize the main reason for this was because the relationship I was in right before this he left me for my sister didn't work out between them but never the less. I realize and he realizes that I was confusing the past with the present. Now never once did I tell him it was his fault. I took full responsibility for my actions and told him I would do anything to make things work. Since this happened we have been going to counseling now he is a church person. Since I have been saved and have turned to god. It kills me everday knowing how I hurt him. I wish I could go back and not do it. I can't unfortunatly. Unfortunatly there was good that came from it. Our relationship is better now than it has ever been since my 7 year old was born. It is getting better and I know we will be able to overcome anything I love my husband never ment to hurt him and would never do anything like this again. But I just think of it and I know I am the luckyest woman in the world. Now mind you also when we figured out my past had been a main factor in this he put his feelings on hold until I was able to overcome my past and did everything to help me get through my past. My past was both mentally and physically abusive. I could never say thank you enough to the most wonderful man in the world. I was recently thinking of giving him a one time pass to go out and have sex Im not sure he would use it seeing if there was any time to do it he would have that night. I asked him if he regreted not going and having sex that night he said he didn't regret it because he knows if he would have that night he wouldn't not have come back. Like I said I was thinking of giving him a one time pass but am afraid to let him. As I said I am the only one hes ever been with. I need advice on how to help him heal from this. If anyone has been cheated on how did you heal how long did it take.
Philosoraptor Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 No you shouldn't offer a one time pass. What you should offer is compassion, honesty, and patience for him to work through what is sure to be a very emotionally hard time for him. It sounds like he has been willing to work on things. Just keep doing what you are doing and never put yourself in the position to make such a bad choice again. 5
ChooseTruth Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Part of regaining trust is being able to tell the truth about the hard stuff. You said you withheld info so things wouldn't get worse, but it the withholding is what makes it worse in the long term because you lose trust. Better to have a short term upset over what you did than lose trust. I'd say answer any of his questions honestly and openly. That's what you need to do. It's hugely important. Letting him go do his own affair isn't going to help. It will create more problems. 3
dichotomy Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 (edited) No don't let him cheat. If you are both people of God, then one sin does not erase another. Eye for an eye does not work. You should have (and still should) answer every single question he has. What exactly are you holding back from him? Stuff about you, the sex, the OM? If he is worried about the sex stuff - have you worked hard to be passionate and exploratory with him - given him "you best" in the bedroom - and asked him what he would like to try or explore? Lastly, you mention couples therapy - thats great.... But are you going for individual therapy for your past abuse? Edited July 22, 2013 by dichotomy 2
oldshirt Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 For starters men arent like women and cant just walk into a dive bar and tell the first person they encounter that their spouse done them wrong and that they are looking for a revenge f@(k and have someone take them home. Unless he is unusually goodlooking, a rock star, celebrity etc etc it is not even realistic that a married man who has only been with one woman would even be able to find a hook up with a one-night hallpass. That is just nutty and irrational thought processes on your part and is also a dysfunctional attempt to lessen your own guilt. You need to obtain some legitimate counseling to deal with your guilt and address your maritial issues in a constructive manner rather than this dysfunctional thought process. 2
Author aricha31 Posted July 22, 2013 Author Posted July 22, 2013 Hi everyone thanks for the replys. We are going for couples therapy the counselor really hasn't helped me overcome my past that was all my husband as I said he put his feelings on hold and helped me. I agree that the free pass is a bad idea I just feel so bad and guilty. I am texting my husband every day or every other day during the day while hes at work to let him know I am thinking about him and am greatful for him. As for the bedroom we are trying new stuff I am so greatful to have him and can't find the words to describe how much I love him and how greatful I am for him. 1
Philosoraptor Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Hi everyone thanks for the replys. We are going for couples therapy the counselor really hasn't helped me overcome my past that was all my husband as I said he put his feelings on hold and helped me. I agree that the free pass is a bad idea I just feel so bad and guilty. I am texting my husband every day or every other day during the day while hes at work to let him know I am thinking about him and am greatful for him. As for the bedroom we are trying new stuff I am so greatful to have him and can't find the words to describe how much I love him and how greatful I am for him. Sounds like you're lucky enough to have someone patient and working with you. All he needs right now is for you to be a wonderful wife whom he can trust. Nothing will erase the past, no matter what you do. But the past doesn't have to live in your heart forever. Just focus on being your best for him in the only time you can control, and that's right now. 1
dichotomy Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Hi everyone thanks for the replys. We are going for couples therapy the counselor really hasn't helped me overcome my past that was all my husband as I said he put his feelings on hold and helped me. I agree that the free pass is a bad idea I just feel so bad and guilty. I am texting my husband every day or every other day during the day while hes at work to let him know I am thinking about him and am greatful for him. As for the bedroom we are trying new stuff I am so greatful to have him and can't find the words to describe how much I love him and how greatful I am for him. Remorseful for your actions, commited to therapy, letting him know how greatful you are for him.....and giving to him like no other man in the bedroom. You are walking in the right path. He should know there is nothing else out there he is missing. 1
TaraMaiden Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 "Grateful". No further comment forthcoming, other than to warn you against overdoing the fawning sycophant thing. By all means realise what a gift your H is - but realise also that there was a missing ingredient which triggered actions outside the marital bed, for which he also bears Responsibility. (NOTE: Responsibility does not = blame.) 1
BetrayedH Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I requested and was granted a free pass from my wayward wife and exercised it. It's an embarrasing part of my history. It doesn't balance anything and exponentially makes reconciliation more difficult. Frankly, I would happily volunteer to personally discuss this with your husband to convince him that it only adds problems. There are a lot of things you can do as a wayward wife to save your marriage. I will write more later. This one is too desperate and ill-advised, regardless of how much sense it may make to both of you. Make it clear that you don't accept this option.
TaraMaiden Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 As I suspected would happen, you completely misunderstood. If the OP needs clarification, I'll be happy to help.
oldshirt Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I have to disagree with this. I know you put the disclaimer to help dull what you are saying but her H is in no way responsible for her banging some other guy. For a second lets pretend that it is possible for one person to satisfy everyone of your needs and there was an "ingredient" missing from the op's marriage. Then the responsible thing to do is bring it up and talk about it. The op chose to bang some other guy and then fall back on the "my past made me do it." TaraMaiden had it correct. Each party does bare their own responsibility in creating the environment for the infidelity to occur and both will have responsibilities in order for a successfull reconciliation to occur. You are correct that one person cannot be expected to completely fullfill all the wants and needs of another person for a lifetime and that people have a responsibility to resist outside temptations which will always occur. But simply "bringing it up" and "talking about it" often arent enough. People have to actually "hear" what the other is saying and actually take action on it.
Dread Pirate Roberts Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 No you shouldn't offer a one time pass. What you should offer is compassion, honesty, and patience for him to work through what is sure to be a very emotionally hard time for him. It sounds like he has been willing to work on things. Just keep doing what you are doing and never put yourself in the position to make such a bad choice again. Agreed. ^^^
Zenstudent Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I requested and was granted a free pass from my wayward wife and exercised it. It's an embarrasing part of my history. It doesn't balance anything and exponentially makes reconciliation more difficult. Frankly, I would happily volunteer to personally discuss this with your husband to convince him that it only adds problems. There are a lot of things you can do as a wayward wife to save your marriage. I will write more later. This one is too desperate and ill-advised, regardless of how much sense it may make to both of you. Make it clear that you don't accept this option. I was granted a free pass as well and exercised it too. At the time (6 months past D-day), I was glad I did it. My self confidence was in the tank and my self esteem non-existing. We had limited sexual and romantic experiences pre our relationship, so she asked me to try, just to see how it felt. I don't think she thought that I would use the opportunity, and I don't think she thought I would even be able to find someone to date. I did, and it actually helped us talk better afterwards. She realized that we both had something to loose, and for us, it balanced the situation. She knew about it and encouraged it, so no cheating. But I realize that it's not for everybody. So think carefully and consider the purpose. Also, if you, OP, is not 100% into it - don't do it, it will eat you alive afterwards. As for my wife, she still claims that she doesn't regret her decission to offer the free pass. But of course, you never know, she had me fooled before.
Author aricha31 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 Ok guys so heres the update. A few days after this post we were watching our nightly movie in our bedroom and my husband put on hall pass. This of course got me thinking why would he put on a movie like this. Well I asked him he insisted on telling me that he never ment anything by putting on the movie now mind you at this time. I had never mentioned anything about the free pass. I asked him if he was given one would he take it he said he may. Now as I said he lost his verginity to me. He has always thought about comparison sex now as we started talking about the possibility of him getting one and what he thought. I realize now after talking to him his response was if he did it would have to be someone I brought home. Also I mentioned about me and another girl if I did this and he said that wouldn't be comparison sex because 2 are always better than one. I am so not into this idea anyway. Now as for him having sex with someone else alone he has said it has to be someone I brought home and this would be where I would be in the living room as they were in my bedroom. His thoughts are he wouldn't go out and do it alone I would have to find the girl and do all the work to put it into play. I asked him if he would be able to get over what I did easier and he said no this would only be for comparison sex nothing to do with getting over it. Now mind you when I did cheat I talked to the guy for about 2 weeks. He said he could go out and have sex with 10 girls and it wouldn't be the same. He said if I was drunk or something and it just happened it wouldn't have been as bad as what I did. What should I do I love him more than anything I want him to be happy but I just can't see myself being able to get over it if he did this. I guess mainly for the fact that he didn't cheat but my boyfriend I had before I met my husband left me for my step sister. Which I found out recently she tried to have sex with my husband when we were dating luckely I don't have contact with her. I need real advice I think my husbands problem is every time he starts to get over it either he has thoughts or I bring something up. Should I not bring anything up unless he does or what? Any suggestions
turnera Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Personally, and I know I'll get flamed, but considering that he's never had SF with anyone but you, I would consider letting him have the pass. Will it hurt you? Hopefully! But it just may help him.
BetrayedH Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Ugh. This is a slowly unfolding trainwreck. Follow the traditional path to healing from an affair. Revenge affairs almost always make it infinitely more difficult to truly reconcile. 1
Bryanp Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I commend you for telling him immediately. I do hope you have been tested now for STD's.
bubbaganoosh Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 Reading this thread tells me that both of you are still not thinking clearly. In other words, TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT. You made a serious mistake that could have cost you your marriage and you got lucky that your husband is willing to stay the course with you. You started a fire in your marriage and were lucky enough to put it out without burning the whole thing down and then you bring this freebee thing up and all your doing is fanning the flames and re starting the fire. He now wants you to bring another woman home for him and you.(?) Are you into being with a woman because this will be a nightmare and swear to God, down the road, if he gets past this and you and him get into a argument and it gets heated, don't be surprised if it's not brought up. You'll say "Hey. I let you have another woman to even the score", and he'll give you something like "Oh yeah! Well you were having the time of you life so were really not even" and blah blah blah. See what I mean? Don't bring it up any longer and just do your best to be the wife he deserves and work on regaining his trust. Two to make a marriage and three to wreck it. Best of luck.
Queen of Sheba Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 Read the post "What every WS needs to know" pinned at the top of this forum. That will help you understand what you have done to him and why he behaves like he does and what you need to do and understand if you truly want to help and reconcile. 1
Author aricha31 Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 Ok guys I am dropping the idea of a free pass I really never wanted it in the first place as I said the only reason I considered it was because Im the only one my husband has ever had sex with and he never even went out after he found out. As I said before for those who said it would be an even thing. It never would have him having sex with someone else would not have been an even thing it would have been comparison sex. Most people can have something to compare to he doesn't. Well anyway I think that idea is out of his head. When we did talk about it that was one main rule was of course condom. Well we had sex last night with a condom just because which we never do. And he didn't like it he said he really couldn't even feel much. So knowing he has to wear one if he did I think he will drop the idea. And yes I know he would my husband has never lied to me even after this happened he has still always been honest with me. As for everything else. I think our relationship minus the affair is the best its been in over 7 yrs. We go to bed together every night we watch a movie on the couch just about every night. We hold hands all of that we are in a much more loving relationship. I do not expect that to ever end. I've always packed his lunch I put notes in it. I tell him 50 times a day how much I love him and how great a husband and father he is. I know it will take time. I did ask him yesterday if he thinks he will ever get completely over it he said he does. I believe him. You really don't know how much you love someone until this happens There are no words to describe how much I love my husband. I feel that we can get through anything. I tell him every day I am the luckest woman in the world. But I do need a bit more advice. The person this happened with my husband and him don't know eachother. Me and my husband bowl together. Well the person this happened with bowls on the same league. My husband knows when the new league starts we will be seeing him which is in 2 weeks. I told my husband we can switch bowling alleys he doesn't want to I told my husband we can switch leagues to another night he doesn't want to he said it will feel like hes running. I asked my husband if he thinks he can see the guy without doing anything now mind you this guy is about 5"10 180 and my husband is 6"2" and 280. The guy knows I don't want to have anything to do with him and I did msg him with my husbands knowledge and told him its best if he didn't bowl and he said hes not going to do that but he will keep his space and if something occured he would not fight back. I told my husband if we see him just think of the kids before he acts. I told my husband so he knows this is not about the guy. Its because I love my husband so much I don't wanna see him in jail or worse. What can I do to make sure my husband doesn't loose himself. any suggestions
TaraMaiden Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 Paragraphs!! paragraphs and formatting code we ask that community participants separate long posts into paragraphs, leaving a blank line between each block of text similar to the style used in this document. We have found that posters who follow this suggestion not only improve the readability of the post, but also tend to receive a greater number of responses. 1
road Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 Me and my husband bowl together. Well the person this happened with bowls on the same league. My husband knows when the new league starts we will be seeing him which is in 2 weeks. I told my husband we can switch bowling alleys he doesn't want to I told my husband we can switch leagues to another night he doesn't want to he said it will feel like hes running................................... What can I do to make sure my husband doesn't loose himself. any suggestions You need to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. In that book you will learn about that without NC there is always the chance of the affair restarting. Continued contact keeps the addiction to the AP alive. It stops the WS from forgetting all the good memories during the affair. This is why you need to join another bowling alley.
Author aricha31 Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 its not there is a chance there is no chance I would never ever do this again. I never had feelings for the guy there is no good times the only time he pops in my head at all is when I'm depressed I hurt my husband. other than that he never crosses my mind. I read the post about what WS should know and my husband really doesn't have any of the symptoms every once in awhile it pops in his head but other than that its like it never happened. he is not in the denial stage I know that's what you're going to say because he doesn't know what happened. I think he is choosing to move on and try to get past it. as for moving to another bowling alley I tried to get my husband to do that he won't. I told him we can switch leagues. the person is never there in Leicester bowling on their league. which is that particular night. so even if we switch to another night still wouldn't see him.
turnera Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 Try to give your H openings to talk about his feelings. Be an open book. Help him feel safe to tell you how mad he is at you.
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