Evanescence Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 Hello all Ok.. so my bf of 5.5 years broke up with me last January. I was an absolute mess (and still am actually). I sought a lot of support from friends, family and a counsellor. A few months later, I started to feel a lot better, and started dating someone. In the middle of that, my ex started calling me. We actually met up, just to chat because we hadn't seen each other for 6 months. Here he told me that he was still in love with me, still thought about our future together, and never wants to let me go. He wants me in his life forever. This made me start to think a lot, and made me realize I'm still in love with him (I was lying to myself when I thought I wasn't), and I still really want to be with him. However, even though he says all of these things, he has a gf right now. During the summer his parents even called me up and took me out to lunch. When his mom said goodbye to me she started crying. Said that it has been so hard for her to accept what had happened. This made me think even more about getting back wtih my ex. He and I talked about it, and he said that he definitly wants to, but things are going well with his current gf, and he wants to get to know her better (whatever). Anyway, all of this thinking has brought me right back down again. A day doesn't go buy where I don't cry. I'm an absolute mess. I've fallen right back down to where I was about a month after the break up. After I've worked so hard to bring myself back up. This (among many other things) actually ruined the relationship with my bf (well now pretty much ex bf). Oct 16th was suppose to be me and the ex's 6 year anniversary. I kept myself busy to keep myself from getting too depressed. My ex called that night and said "you know what today is" ... not "WAS", he said "IS". We talked for a bit, then i started crying to him on the phone about how much of a mess I was. But then I told him that I don't think I can talk to him anymore. I said that I love him so much (i can't even explain), but if he's not going to be with me, I can't be friends with him. I dont' feel I will ever move on if I stay friends with him. Time will go by where we don't talk, and I'll slowly start to rebuild myself, and then he calls, and it reminds me of how good we are together, and I fall right back down again. He told me he won't except not talking to me, and he won't let me out of his life. It was late, and he asked if he could call me again soon... so I said ok. He called but I missed the call. So he should be calling again soon. I want to tell him that he can't keep going on saying the things he does and not be with me, because I feel like he is just playing with me (u know, actions speak louder than words). I can't be just friends with him because it has made a huge mess out of my life. I feel the only way I will be able to move on is if I cut all ties with him. I know some of you will say "I don't think you really love him"... well you're wrong .. I do. I feel I'll love him more than I could ever love anyone else, but I'm trying to have some self respect here. I don't want to be a mess for the rest of my life, and I feel if I don't do this, I will be. I feel I'll never be able to have a good relationship with someone else with him hovering over me constantly saying these things to me. So is it wrong for me to do this? Or is it right? Should i tell him that if he doesn't want to be with me I can't have any kind of a relationship with him? Maybe a few years down the road... after I've found my life again, but for now, I need my space? Any suggestions (on exactly how I should handle this and what I should say to him)?
bluechocolate Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 So is it wrong for me to do this? Or is it right? Should i tell him that if he doesn't want to be with me I can't have any kind of a relationship with him? Maybe a few years down the road... after I've found my life again, but for now, I need my space? Absolutely 100% it is the right thing to do. You already know that: Time will go by where we don't talk, and I'll slowly start to rebuild myself, and then he calls, and it reminds me of how good we are together, and I fall right back down again. He's keeping you on the back burner - you're the fall back. How does that make you feel? He and I talked about it, and he said that he definitly wants to, but things are going well with his current gf, and he wants to get to know her better (whatever). And this business: He told me he won't except not talking to me, and he won't let me out of his life. WTF !?! Whether he knows it or not he is definitely playing head games with you. If he really loved you he would understand what you're saying & he would give you the space you need. Jeez - he's the one who "wants to get to know his current g/f better". I wonder what she thinks? (not really - but you know what I'm getting at - he's putting together a victim list here) Block his number from you phone(s), block his email address & any other method he can use to contact you. If he comes banging on your door then call the police & threaten to get a restraining order on him. I know that sounds extreme, but his refusal to abide by your wishes in this matter is extreme too. but I'm trying to have some self respect here. I don't want to be a mess for the rest of my life Good for you. Don't let him screw it up.
Weird Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 I think he is acting like a prick by telling you he won't accept you two not talking and won't let you out if his life. He is stringing you along and it pisses me off and I dont think you are in the wrong with what you want/ask of him. It also bugs me that he is currently with someone yet is professing his love to you. If he is being honest about that then he is stringing along his current girl as well. This guy sounds like an immature punk who likes to ***** with peoples' emotions and honestly, it pisses me off he is doing this to you. How old is he and how old are you? I am not far from London. Want me to come smack some sense into him for you?
Lainie Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 He sounds like a jerk. Wants his cake and eat it too? Bloody hell. If his "feelings" were so strong for you, how could he want to get to know this new girl? If he already knows you're the one for him, then why isn't he back with you? Maybe he's a psycho? He sounds mental! This guy sounds like a bastard. He's toying with you, and after you've made such progress trying to get over him that's really f**ked up. What a prick. Now you have to start from scratch again. You need to get away from this wanker. Cut off all contact with him. Re-evaluate and be firm. You'll be right. You sound like a strong woman because you came up with the idea of cutting him off from your life yourself. You deserve so much better than that. But the decision is yours and yours alone. You do what's best for you. Take care of yourself, and know that we're here for you! Good Luck!
SoleMate Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 ...he told me that he was still in love with me, still thought about our future together, and never wants to let me go. He wants me in his life forever....even though he says all of these things, he has a gf right now...He and I talked about it, and he said that he definitly wants to [get back together], but things are going well with his current gf, and he wants to get to know her better... Sorry, those two concepts just do not compute. If he is with her, but claims to want you, it means that he is enjoying things with her now, but wants the excitement/security of having a secret "special" friend that he can go crying to. Him doing this will effectively keep you from moving on...and yet look at him! He HAS moved on! Yet he selfishly wants you to stay stuck and hung upon him, just in case he "needs" you later. So he "wants to get to know [the new gf] better", does he? Wouldn't it be preferable for HER to get to know HIM better, by you letting her know what he has been telling you? I really think you should dump him...after all, he dumped you once, so now it's your turn.
Author Evanescence Posted October 26, 2004 Author Posted October 26, 2004 Thanks a lot guys. I'm just wondering if I'll be strong enough to actually do it. I know I can say it to him, but to actually stick with it. Part of me feels like it is SO wrong to let him out of my life... I just feel like I'll be losing my soul mate you know... there is so much between us. We can have a conversation and not have to say a word to each other. I'm so comfortable with him... and I dunno. I'm just afraid that I'll never experience this with someone else... its just so strong with him. I'm sure I can get it with someone else, but will it be as good as it was with him? SO can I actually do it? Ontop of it all, it makes me mad because he told me that he regrets having broken up with me. He says his reasons were stupid (especially considering that he new gf has a lot of them, plus more I'm sure). He says that I've changed now... even though those things don't matter to him anymore... the changes make it that much harder for him to cut me out of his life. But yet.... as you know, he's still with this other girl. He and I are also in the same points in our lives. We were both ready to be in the married and have a family in the next few years. His gf now is 6 years younger than him (she just graduated highschool for god sakes!) so she isn't even close to thinking about that stuff yet... I think that's one reason he likes to still talk to me.. he feels he can talk about that stuff with me, and can't with his gf. Anyway, this is gonna be hard... And "Weird".... i'm 22 and he's 24... the new gf is 18 (yuck). His parents hate her ontop of it. She's making nothing of herself (isn't going to school... while I'm in my 4th year of university and on my way to grad school) and...well.. she's frickin 18! Eighteen year olds have no idea what the heck they want.. i know because I was there not long ago. I think she's in this because he's older, knows how to treat his gf right (well, if he wasn't talking to his EX GF behind her back.... he would be), and he has $$... so she's just like "Ya, my bf is 24 and has $ and likes to spend it on me"... guaranteed....she has no idea what it is like to be in a serious relationship like the one he and I was in. If she did, sh wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with a guy who had only a week previously left a relationship that was 5.5 yrs old! ugh.. ok.. that's just jealous ex gf talk... BTW, he's in Windsor... not London. One of the reasons he got out... he couldn't take the distance anymore... although now he said he would do it. But you are more than welcome to go kick his ass! LOL Ontop of this, I'm applying to a bunch of grad schools..like UBC, and he tells me i "can't go" because he is afraid that he'll end up losing me. Ugh, I'm just so depressed. Thanks for your thoughts everyone! Keep em coming.
Scott S Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 Originally posted by Evanescence He told me he won't except not talking to me, and he won't let me out of his life. It was late, and he asked if he could call me again soon... so I said ok. He called but I missed the call. So he should be calling again soon. He won't let you out of his life, you say? He cannot do that without your compliance. I want to tell him that he can't keep going on saying the things he does and not be with me, because I feel like he is just playing with me. It appears that he is doing just that. Playing with you. I can't be just friends with him because it has made a huge mess out of my life. I feel the only way I will be able to move on is if I cut all ties with him. Then that's what you need to do. It has already cost you another relationship. I know some of you will say "I don't think you really love him"... well you're wrong .. I do. I feel I'll love him more than I could ever love anyone else, but I'm trying to have some self respect here. I don't want to be a mess for the rest of my life, and I feel if I don't do this, I will be. I feel I'll never be able to have a good relationship with someone else with him hovering over me constantly saying these things to me. Love is a strong emotion. You cannot simply turn it off like a light switch. As time goes on, the feelings will fade, especially as you cultivate other relationships. But you do need to move on. You cannot reasonably expect a significant other to allow you to maintain an off-again/on-again relationship with an ex.
Weird Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 This guy is a prick douchebag! Seriously, he sounds like a mind fuggin bastard. First, the 18 year old thing is kinda sick and it is a total rebound/void filler/conquest. Although, he sounds like he has the maturity level of a 16 year old so maybe her being 18 is about right for him. I hope to God you can tell this guy to go **** himself and can move on with your life and be happy. Be thankful you are still not with this guy because he is too big on an a**h*** to have a meaningful relationship with and down the line he'd have fugged you over worse than you may think he has done or is doing now. Do not let this guy continue to string you along or jerk you around. You're better than that.
Just Visiting Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 Originally posted by Weird Do not let this guy continue to string you along or jerk you around. You're better than that. Ditto.
UnicornGirl Posted October 27, 2004 Posted October 27, 2004 in response to "should I make him choose," I have to say no. (if you're still considering that.) the way I see it, if you force a person to choose between you and someone else, if they stay with you, this other person will always be in the back of their mind because they never fully realized that they want to be with you more than this other person. you wouldn't want to be married to a guy that longs to cheat on you with an 18 year old ...
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