I met this amazing guy and now need your thoughts on life-changing decision

July 22, 2013

I've been dating this awesome, amazing guy for 2 months and we just found out he's moving across the country because of a job promotion. (side note: before I met him, I had plans to move this upcoming January for school to the New England area).

He has everything I want in a marriage and in a husband but we've talked about how neither one of us want to do long distance. I wasn't planning on meeting someone who would have such a profound impact on me enough to consider declining my acceptance into school, putting it off a few years and moving across the country to be with him once he leaves.

Its kinda scary for me. I'm usually the one with the plan and I stick with the plan. You're only young once and I think I'm struggling with that "what if" about our relationship if I don't go ?

Just looking for some insight, thoughts, personal experiences? Some food for thought or something to help me make a decision

July 22, 2013

what is the worst thing that could happen?

but just do it for yourself so you do not resent him later on if things do not work out.

July 22, 2013

You have to decide if it's worth the risk. You can go the safe path and move up north or you can decide you really see this working out and take the other side of the fork in the road.

But as said above, do it for you out of excitement, not out of fear of "what if".

July 22, 2013

I don't think it's wise to make life changing decisions or move across the country after knowing each other only two months. Normally, I don't believe in long distance relationships because I think they are very hard to maintain, but I would suggest you reconsider that route. You could go to school where you had decided to, he could move as planned for his job, and then keep in touch regularly by Skype or whatever, and make a trip out to see him from time to time. I just don't think 2 months is enough time to know each other enough to decide to uproot yourself and move across the country for a boyfriend you really don't know well enough.

July 22, 2013

No. Put yourself and your needs first. Two months is really too soon to make a decision like this.

If it's going to work out, it will. My SO and I were long distance for seven years. He's black, I'm white. He's seven years younger than I am. We've been living together for a long while now, and things are great. Neither of us sacrificed what what best for us just so we could be together.

July 22, 2013

I don't think it's wise to make life changing decisions or move across the country after knowing each other only two months. Normally, I don't believe in long distance relationships because I think they are very hard to maintain, but I would suggest you reconsider that route. You could go to school where you had decided to, he could move as planned for his job, and then keep in touch regularly by Skype or whatever, and make a trip out to see him from time to time. I just don't think 2 months is enough time to know each other enough to decide to uproot yourself and move across the country for a boyfriend you really don't know well enough.

Agree 100%. If he's really the one, distance won't come between you, and neither will you sticking to a smart plan for yourself and your future.

July 22, 2013

No. Put yourself and your needs first. Two months is really too soon to make a decision like this.

If it's going to work out, it will. My SO and I were long distance for seven years. He's black, I'm white. He's seven years younger than I am. We've been living together for a long while now, and things are great. Neither of us sacrificed what what best for us just so we could be together.

I'm very confused by your story. I remember you talking about being single for long periods of time, dating people recently, and break ups and now I see you have been in a long term relationship with someone?

OP, I think a long distance relationship may be the safest place to start. I would advise against sacrificing your education.

July 22, 2013

I'm very confused by your story. I remember you talking about being single for long periods of time, dating people recently, and break ups and now I see you have been in a long term relationship with someone?

OP, I think a long distance relationship may be the safest place to start. I would advise against sacrificing your education.

I have "dated" people, but Keith has always come first. I think most of them knew it from upfront. I just don't think I fully realized it.

I also didn't realize that what I already had was a true relationship. I was seeking the stuff you see in movies, and was blind to what I already had, which was perfect.

I don't think I've ever been single for a long period of time, although I sort of feel like I am right now, despite being "with" Keith. It's why I can't call him my boyfriend, because that's not right, and is sort of insulting, and I don't ever want to get married, even though he's asked me to.

If that doesn't clarify, let me know and I will try to explain further.

However, I completely agree about the OP. She should come first.

July 22, 2013

I have "dated" people, but Keith has always come first. I think most of them knew it from upfront. I just don't think I fully realized it.

I also didn't realize that what I already had was a true relationship. I was seeking the stuff you see in movies, and was blind to what I already had, which was perfect.

I don't think I've ever been single for a long period of time, although I sort of feel like I am right now, despite being "with" Keith. It's why I can't call him my boyfriend, because that's not right, and is sort of insulting, and I don't ever want to get married, even though he's asked me to.

If that doesn't clarify, let me know and I will try to explain further.

However, I completely agree about the OP. She should come first.

Sounds complicated, but I'm glad it's working for you.

July 22, 2013

Sounds complicated, but I'm glad it's working for you.

It does sound like it's complicated, but it's not anymore. Just some crazy twists and turns to get to this point, which is now amazingly easy.

Anyway, OP, put yourself first.

July 22, 2013

Thanks for everyone's replies.

I'd be moving there for him. I have no reason to go out there other than to be with him. I don't want to do distance - it hurts too much and I've done it before. If he ends up leaving and I don't follow, I'd have to stop talking to him cold turkey just because I like him so much it would hurt to still be in contact with him I think.

Additionally, I think part of why this is weighing on me so much is because I have this thought that I won't find someone to share my life with and now I feel like I have and its almost like... should I let that go? I can always go to school but is this a ship I should jump on while its passing? I do acknowledge that 2 months is not a long time, I'm just scared at taking a chance and scared of letting a chance go.

July 22, 2013

I've been dating this awesome, amazing guy for 2 months and we just found out he's moving across the country because of a job promotion. (side note: before I met him, I had plans to move this upcoming January for school to the New England area).

He has everything I want in a marriage and in a husband but we've talked about how neither one of us want to do long distance. I wasn't planning on meeting someone who would have such a profound impact on me enough to consider declining my acceptance into school, putting it off a few years and moving across the country to be with him once he leaves.

Its kinda scary for me. I'm usually the one with the plan and I stick with the plan. You're only young once and I think I'm struggling with that "what if" about our relationship if I don't go ?

Just looking for some insight, thoughts, personal experiences? Some food for thought or something to help me make a decision

Can you do long distance for 3 or 4 months at least before you make up your mind? Do you have to decide right now?

I cannot give you advise but I can share my experience with you - I moved to a whole different country to be with my boyfriend after knowing him for a few months. 4 years later we are still together and we have been married for almost 3 years. It's really not that scary if you know it's the right person.

July 22, 2013

Additionally, I think part of why this is weighing on me so much is because I have this thought that I won't find someone to share my life with and now I feel like I have and its almost like... should I let that go? I can always go to school but is this a ship I should jump on while its passing? I do acknowledge that 2 months is not a long time, I'm just scared at taking a chance and scared of letting a chance go.

You can't make a decision based on fear. Take a bit and decide what's best for you in your future. Just like you could find another school to go to out that way, you could meet an even greater guy up northeast. Trust yourself to make the right decision for you.

July 22, 2013

I vote that you stick to your plan to attend the school you chose.

IF its supposed to work out with this guy - it will after you've finished with school. You need to stay focused on YOUR PERSONAL GOALS!

See how much effort he makes to keep in touch after you're settled in at school. IF he's really interested - distance won't be the barrier.

July 22, 2013

2 months is too early to determine how amazing your relationship is/will be. That's not to say I'd advise it even at 6 months or a year but it needs to be said.

Okay, so moving on to why this is a really bad idea. Something that I think rarely gets emphasized is the role our personal lives play in our relationships. You can be in a wonderful relationship with someone you love very much but if you're not happy with your life you will feel miserable. Prince Charming or Princess Petunia will not fill the void in your life where you are unhappy with your career or lack of one. They won't replace your yearning for passions such as education or other life pursuits. You will greatly limit your own potential and you have no way to see into the future and understand how those few years could impact you in unforeseen ways.

They honeymoon phase may be intoxicating and mask all those more serious issues for a temporary time period but sooner or later you'll be faced with them and you might not be so happy with the results. Now, I personally believe that someone who really cares for you wouldn't want you to throw away those kinds of opportunities for yourself all for the sake of a relationship. The other thing is sure, LDR's aren't great fun but guess what? Many people do them. Many people agree to doing them. People who do have success with them even if they aren't easy. You're thinking of delaying your plans for education for someone who wouldn't have a relationship with you LDR, at a major inconvenience to you. No matter how much fun and what a great connection you two have that is the bigger picture and it's why you would be setting yourself up for failure.

July 22, 2013

A variety of factors - your youth, the newness and uncertainty of the situation - just confirms that this relationship is at a crossroads. It doesn't mean that you can't have feelings for him or enjoy your time spent together, but realistically this type of situation does have a shelf life when one or both people relocate or have non complimentary goals.

My SO did move several thousand miles to be closer to me, but he already had plans to relocate to the region for educational and career reasons prior to our becoming acquainted or involved. There can be regret and resentment if someone feels that they are having to compromise their objectives and overall happiness in order to satisfy proximity in a relationship.

Enjoy your life as it is currently, but do look forward to relocating for your education in January. Try to end things on as appreciative and positive of a note as you both can.

July 22, 2013

I think you have a valid point about being happy with someone but they won't fill the happiness in other aspects of your life. It's something to think about, if I would be ok holding off on school for a few years to be with him. I say now I would be okay with it, because I can always go back to school.

I do agree that if someone is worth it, then do a LDR, etc. I know because I've been through 2. I think he's worth it definitely, but I don't want to do it because it's going to be painful. I'd rather not do it. It's not to say he's not worth it, its just that they rarely work out, and he'd be another failed attempt since my last 2 didn't work out and I don't want that (failed/botched relationship d/t distance) with him.

I think I'm scared because I know once he leaves thats it; it will be over. I don't want a LDR, and I can't keep in touch having feelings for him knowing he will be out dating other people (as I would eventually do, since neither of us have a commitment to each other). I already cry when I think of him leaving and not joining with; as if I wasn't giving a potential the chance

O'malley: this is similar to what you mentioned: When I mentioned above that once he leaves, it will be over. Its because I'd rather remember the 2 months of passion and joy and friendship and not ruin/botch that by attempting to do a LDR which will probably inevitably fail. More like I'd rather the relationship end because we don't want to do distance instead of knowing we tried distance and X Y Z happened so thats why it failed.

Edited July 22, 2013 by california15

July 22, 2013

My brother's girlfriend moved to LA for an internship for a semester. They've known each other a year and just recently started dating knowing she was moving and such. My brother decided he didn't mind doing long distance, such as visiting her when he can and so forth. When she finished her internship, she may go wherever he is at since she won't have obligatons. You should do the same. Go to school and visit when you can. If you're that serious by the time you have finished your obligations, then you can move to be with him.

July 22, 2013

OP: You haven't mentioned whether he even wants you to go with him. Have you had such a discussion?

July 22, 2013

I was about to post pretty much exactly what stargazer above just did !

Soooooo much depends on HIS attitude. If he is anything less than 100% "PLEASE come, no matter what happens we will make it work", then it is probably a bad idea.....

July 22, 2013

Getting a degree increases earning power and job satisfaction. Getting a higher degree (Masters or Doctorate) increases that even more. Not having a degree will definitely limit you as to the jobs you would qualify for or be able to apply for. I've been debating this same thing with one of my sons who is currently attending college. My other sons already have degrees. Even if you don't necessarily need a degree for a certain job, it still looks good on your resume and will give you an advantage with employers, unless of course the job you are applying for is so menial that an employer would be concerned that a highly educated person might be tempted to leave the job for something better.

July 22, 2013

we're supposed to have a conversation where we discuss whats going to happen when he leaves but have been having little conversations leading up to it, ones in which we agreed on no LDR, and how we would like to continue to be together in the same city etc. So, melodymatters, he hasn't literally said what you said, but we're still discussing whats going to happen when the time comes, so not all the conversations are done. He while he hasn't outright said what you said, he is saying things to lead me to believe thats the direction we're headed in.

I do plan on getting my degree, whether its sooner or later.

July 22, 2013

The only way I would suggest you go is if you can still have your own place there and if you can switch to a school there so you can move forward with your own goals.

Basically - if you set your life up in a way where it doesn't depend on staying with him.

Please do not abandon your own goals (even temporarily) for him.

July 22, 2013

this is all so crazy - I never thought I'd be in a situation where I'd consider this.

I appreciate all the replies and thoughtful answers

conversations will be coming as this week and weekend approach. I hope to have a better idea of things.

I've been so emotionally distraught today going from "its over next week" to "i'm taking a chance and moving to continue a relationship"

July 22, 2013

I've been so emotionally distraught today going from "its over next week" to "i'm taking a chance and moving to continue a relationship"

What caused the sudden change?

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