maestrok Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Ok so i have been dating him for quite some time and we decided to have sex. But some small incidents happened between and after sex and I am very disappointed now and fairly sure he is not the one i want to spend rest of my life with. That being said I feel like breaking up or stop dating him asap is the best for both of us... But since we just has sex, i feel like doing so would make me look bad... Idk would it? I am not sure how to deal with this situation. What/when/how should I communicate to him? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.....
CptSaveAho Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 You should do it by text message so he can come to the forums and complain about how horrible you are and how his feelings are hurt 2
Author maestrok Posted July 22, 2013 Author Posted July 22, 2013 You should do it by text message so he can come to the forums and complain about how horrible you are and how his feelings are hurt So I guess I should tell him in person right? I mean when would be the best time to tell him though...
CptSaveAho Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 So I guess I should tell him in person right? I mean when would be the best time to tell him though... I was dead serious...quicker the better. Another option is to pull the man card on him and not say anything and just move on... you and I both know how he's going to react to the news... distance yourself if you're going to do it (text) or just move on from the situation
Author maestrok Posted July 22, 2013 Author Posted July 22, 2013 I was dead serious...quicker the better. Another option is to pull the man card on him and not say anything and just move on... you and I both know how he's going to react to the news... distance yourself if you're going to do it (text) or just move on from the situation Oh okay. I thought you were just being sarcastic. Uh wouldnt brraking up by text be rude...?
CptSaveAho Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Oh okay. I thought you were just being sarcastic. Uh wouldnt brraking up by text be rude...? does it honestly matter in the grand scheme of things, you're going to move on and hopefully so is he
ChatroomHero Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 . But some small incidents happened between and after sex and I am very disappointed now and fairly sure he is not the one i want to spend rest of my life with. That being said I feel like breaking up or stop dating him asap is the best for both of us... ..... Ok, you ALREADY KNOW the only correct answer is to sit down with him in person and say exactly what you typed here and to tell him the incidents that caused you to be completely turned off. But that is difficult, so you are looking for another answer that makes it easier on you. If you are an adult ready for a relationship with anyone else, you sit down with him. Otherwise you might as well just go no contact and not give him any reason.
Author maestrok Posted July 22, 2013 Author Posted July 22, 2013 Ok, you ALREADY KNOW the only correct answer is to sit down with him in person and say exactly what you typed here and to tell him the incidents that caused you to be completely turned off. But that is difficult, so you are looking for another answer that makes it easier on you. If you are an adult ready for a relationship with anyone else, you sit down with him. Otherwise you might as well just go no contact and not give him any reason. I can tell him in person if need be and maybe that is a more polite way to do it. When should i do it though? Should i wait a few days at least?
Babolat Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 No knowing the "sexual" reasons (performance, size, you did not like the sex, , someting turned you off, etc), you could just tell him you are not compatible, you do not want to date him, giving no reasons. Sitting down with him to tell him why the sex did not do it for you, well, could crush the guy so I understand if that is not something you want to do. A white lie in this case may be the best move, but do it soon, like today.
Author maestrok Posted July 22, 2013 Author Posted July 22, 2013 does it honestly matter in the grand scheme of things, you're going to move on and hopefully so is he It kind of does because we still will have to encounter each other from time to time so i dont want any hard feelings....
ChatroomHero Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 I can tell him in person if need be and maybe that is a more polite way to do it. When should i do it though? Should i wait a few days at least? From a guy's perspective, I would always say rip the band aid off quick. If you delay it will be harder on him because you'll reject when he asks to go out, not want to text him as much, probably ignore some of his texts and he'll start to get confused and wonder why the contact is less and less. You'll frustrate him by stringing him along. Tell him quick and be honest, imo that is the best you can do and in the end he can get over it quicker. 2
Phantom888 Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Just tell him honestly. You don't feel it. It's no one's fault. This stuff happens all the time.
Author maestrok Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 What were these incidents? I mean through out our interactions, he wants me to do thing I am not comfortable with. They are not weird or crazy AT ALL - many people love to and actually will so them. But I just don't like or feel comfortable doing. I told him so but he thinks im acting weird for not wanting to do them or at least give it a try.... Of course he won't force me but he pressures me. And keeps talking about it from time to time. And it seems like this kind of attitude of his applies to sexual activities as well. So whether we like/love each other or not, i feel like we are incompatible and better break up early on. Do you guys agree?
pteromom Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I mean through out our interactions, he wants me to do thing I am not comfortable with. They are not weird or crazy AT ALL - many people love to and actually will so them. But I just don't like or feel comfortable doing. I told him so but he thinks im acting weird for not wanting to do them or at least give it a try.... Of course he won't force me but he pressures me. And keeps talking about it from time to time. And it seems like this kind of attitude of his applies to sexual activities as well. So whether we like/love each other or not, i feel like we are incompatible and better break up early on. Do you guys agree? Depends. Are you uncomfortable just because these ideas of his are outside your comfort zone? If so, you may want to just try them. But if what he's asking is against your ethics or you would feel badly about yourself for doing them, that's something different. And of course - his reaction when you say no matters a lot. Does he respect your "no", or does he just badger you about it trying to change your mind? If that's the case, it may be a red flag for bigger issues.
BradJacobs Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I mean through out our interactions, he wants me to do thing I am not comfortable with. They are not weird or crazy AT ALL - many people love to and actually will so them. But I just don't like or feel comfortable doing. I told him so but he thinks im acting weird for not wanting to do them or at least give it a try.... Of course he won't force me but he pressures me. And keeps talking about it from time to time. And it seems like this kind of attitude of his applies to sexual activities as well. So whether we like/love each other or not, i feel like we are incompatible and better break up early on. Do you guys agree? I agree that you shouldn't be in a relationship hoping that the person will change. We're all allowed to change our minds about a relationship whether that's before sex enters the equation or after. 1
Author maestrok Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 (edited) Depends. Are you uncomfortable just because these ideas of his are outside your comfort zone? If so, you may want to just try them. But if what he's asking is against your ethics or you would feel badly about yourself for doing them, that's something different. And of course - his reaction when you say no matters a lot. Does he respect your "no", or does he just badger you about it trying to change your mind? If that's the case, it may be a red flag for bigger issues. I mean those two are interrelated. They are definitely out of my comfort zone and will make me feel bad afterwards (eg. Regrets) if i do them. So this is how it goes - He proposes an idea. I communicate to him that i am not comfortable doing it. Then he says we dont have to do it we will do whatever you want. Then a few days later he bring up the idea again as if he does not remember the conversation (maybe he really doesn't). And then he comments along the lines of "i dont understand why you dont want to do it" or " why are you so weird about it." He wouldnt force it but i feel bad because when it reaches this point i have either succumbed to his request or feel bad for keep having to say no. And idk .... I just dont think it should be like that Edited July 23, 2013 by maestrok
Author maestrok Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 I agree that you shouldn't be in a relationship hoping that the person will change. We're all allowed to change our minds about a relationship whether that's before sex enters the equation or after. I don't but he indirectly pressures me to and i can see myself starting to shut down even if i like him and know that he is a nice person
Tallblueyed Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 He is definitely not interested in being in sync with you and your needs (given that he brings it up again). In my opinion the specific acts are irrelevant; it boils down to respect. However, you should not concern yourself with bettering him by telling him nitty-gritty. Just simply tell him that you do not feel he is the one and you want to be available for your potential soul mate. He will press for specifics, and out of my personal experience I suggest you keep it simple and stick to your mantra of him not being "the one". Discussing the particulars is a exercise in futility. All it will do is arm him with ways to pretend that he is the perfect guy for you. The perfect guy does not need coaching, and you are not on a rescue mission to coach him into being a better actor to fool you to his truth. There is a girl for him, and there is a guy for you - don't over-complicate a simple situation; as stated before this kind of thing happens all the time, it is part of dating.
Tinie Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 No knowing the "sexual" reasons (performance, size, you did not like the sex, , someting turned you off, etc), you could just tell him you are not compatible, you do not want to date him, giving no reasons. ^^^THIS^^^ Please, please don't do the classic "fade out" and leave him hanging. It's super immature. And it's cowardly.
Author maestrok Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 He is definitely not interested in being in sync with you and your needs (given that he brings it up again). In my opinion the specific acts are irrelevant; it boils down to respect. However, you should not concern yourself with bettering him by telling him nitty-gritty. Just simply tell him that you do not feel he is the one and you want to be available for your potential soul mate. He will press for specifics, and out of my personal experience I suggest you keep it simple and stick to your mantra of him not being "the one". Discussing the particulars is a exercise in futility. All it will do is arm him with ways to pretend that he is the perfect guy for you. The perfect guy does not need coaching, and you are not on a rescue mission to coach him into being a better actor to fool you to his truth. There is a girl for him, and there is a guy for you - don't over-complicate a simple situation; as stated before this kind of thing happens all the time, it is part of dating. I know he is not the one but I still like him and am attached to him so it is going to be reallu hard for me to tell him.... I am wavering still. Sigh.
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 I don't think the details are as relevant in this situation because the guy clearly doesn't acknowledge and respect your boundaries...instead he just pressures you and tries to make you do things beyond your desire/will...which I can understand a lot of younger guys doing expecting all women to do the same things pornstars do or what their ex-gf did or what not, but you're not a lion in a circus made to just jump through hoops. I think this guy will also be controlling as well, as that tends to be the pattern with the overbearing persistence thing, so I'd expect this behavior and attitude in others things in the relationship as well...which may not be rearing their head just yet but it all will come out eventually. I think if you feel that strongly to break up, I wouldn't back pedal and talk yourself back down into being with this guy...I think you know the right decision and already made it, now just give him a call and tell him you don't think it's going to work out...and when he gets pissed and throws a tantrum and he asks why, just tell me because he reacts negatively to what you say and how you feel and you don't feel respected then just hang up the damn phone. Seriously you don't need to give this guy an explanation that's thorough, he's likely to feel offended and take a hit to the ego but you only have to say what you're comfortable with...don't be someone who can't say or do something so instead you just tuck your head because it's too scary, you're going to have to grow a back-bone in this dating world, especially with guys who are going to intimidate/pressure you, but it's not for you, it's for themselves. Otherwise, learn the hard way.
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