Is she having an affair

[sandyyjan]

I am 47 working some 2000 KMs away since May 13. My wife who is 44 and daughter lives in the metro city. I visit very 3rd week. Earlier before May 13 also I was posted about 170 KMS at another station visiting on weekends.

 

Last month I accidentally discovered some BBM on her Blackberry. BBMs are from one other man (OM) about 40 years. He came into her contact around 2 years ago on some business issue which subsequently got closed around one and a half year back.They might have met only once or twice. mostly it was online only. Perhaps they maintained contact thereafter. Both live in the same city and nearby only. He seems to be smart man with own business.

 

The BBMs were as follows:

 

Wife: Ping

OM: hi

Wife: At what time we shall meet

OM: Come at 1730 hrs

Wife: OK

OM: Will I get a Kiss (Icon)

Wife : It's crowded....will get late may be 1930

OM: Shall meet afterwords

 

Wife: Going to US for a month

OM: OK Shall meet when you come back

 

We visited US, while in US, i discovered the following BBM:

 

Wife: In Las Vegas... having fun !

OM: Good

Wife: Vegas is a place to be visited with friends so missing you !

OM: Oh here I too missssss youuu soooo veryyy muchh !

 

OM You say Vegas is a place to be with friends; not good with family ?

Wife: Yes, it will be much more fun with friends.

OM: Oh lovely !

 

Wife Hi

OM: When are you coming back

Wife 17th June

OM: Here it has started raining; romantic weather here !

 

After that I went to my place of work. Last time when i went i did not find any BBM. In fact old BBMs were also deleted.

 

I am now confused wheter she is having an affair or it's just a friendship gone overboard.

If it's an affair whether they had sex.

Otherwise she is perfectly normal with me. She calls up every day.

Kindly help me in finding some of these answers.

[BetrayedH]

I'm guessing you're military?

 

Her messages with the OM are highly inappropriate and it sounds like she has no healthy boundaries with this man. You're smart to suspect an affair and sadly, most of us here have learned to "trust your gut." Deleted messages are also a huge red flag.

 

The wise thing to do here is to avoid the temptation to confront her. That truly accomplishes absolutely nothing. You need to quietly go into investigative mode. Your distance from her makes that a real challenge and checking her phone is a first step, which you have already done.

 

Other easy things are checking her internet history, phone/text records, and financial records. I also did well at guessing my wife's usernames and passwords for email and social media (like facebook) for private messaging. Beyond that, installing a voice-activated-recorder (VAR) in her vehicle is pretty conventional as it is common for affair partners to talk on the way to/from work. I put a GPS tracker on my wife's car and discovered she'd been to a hotel from 10pm to midnight on my first data download. Since you're so far away, these may not be practical for you. A private investigator is expensive but may be your best bet in discovering the truth.

 

My gut from reading those texts is that she's in a long-distance emotional affair but that it will go (or has already become) a physical affair when they're able. BBM is probably their constant way to keep in touch and deleting those message trails is easy. I'm not an expert at it but some people have had success retrieving deleted messages from SIM cards. I have a feeling you're going to have to be very patient in trying to find the truth. It's extraordinarily hard to do but if you confront her, she will simply lie, deny, minimize, and gaslight you. From there, it will be easy for her to take her affair further underground or to stop until the dust settles with you (and then you may NEVER know the truth). The first rule when you suspect an affair is to keep your mouth shut and pretend like everything is fine.

[karnak]

It's an affair.

 

And it's gone physical already.

[BetrayedH]

It's an affair.

 

And it's gone physical already.

 

You know, I forgot that "kiss" text when I wrote my post. Karnak is right. And from a second reading, it doesn't look long-distance for them either.

 

Keep reading and posting. You're going to need help thru this. It sucks.

[will1988]

I would confront her right away. She is cheating on you!

[Betterthanthis13]

I would confront her right away. She is cheating on you!

 

That's a typical first instinct to confront, but your worst shot of discovering the truth. Read BetrayedH post above and consider carefully before discussing anything with your wife. One whiff of suspicion on your part and she will take measures to hide whatever she has been doing, making it nearly impossible for you to get to the truth.

 

Whether it is just an EA or it has already progressed to a PA, she's already lying to you. She has no reason to tell you the truth about her affair.

 

You already know she is lying by omission because she has not willingly given you any details about this supposed "friendship" at any point so far. If she wasn't doing anything she thought was wrong, this friendship would not be a secret.

 

Gather more facts before confronting her. You need indisputable evidence.

[Realist3]

If they are talking about meeting, kissing, talking about trips they are on, and romantic days, yes they are having an affair.

 

Sure you could do more investigation and find even more evidence, but I don't see how what you already have can be explained away.

[Betterthanthis13]

If they are talking about meeting, kissing, talking about trips they are on, and romantic days, yes they are having an affair.

 

Sure you could do more investigation and find even more evidence, but I don't see how what you already have can be explained away.

 

It can not be explained away logically in any way shape or form.

 

But it can be minimized, trickle-truthed, blameshifted and he can be gaslighted.

 

The only protection against that type of emotional abuse is cold hard facts and evidence. He is in a vulnerable state right now, ripe for manipulation.

[BetrayedH]

He's on the cusp of making a life-altering decision. Not knowing the facts makes it nearly impossible to make any such decision with confidence. And yes, he's absolutely ripe for manipulation. When these things come to light, we're somewhat desperate to believe our spouse and to salvage our marriage and family. He doesn't need to convince her that she's cheating (she already knows it), but he does need to convince himself and the extent to which she has cheated (and lied) will be a major factor in his decision-making process.

[Realist3]

I don't disagree with what you have said at all. Being far apart will make things more difficult. The biggest issue will be what decision me makes on what his next move will be.

[Betterthanthis13]

Yes, making decisions about your own life based on facts. That is a concept that seems to elude WS's and AP's. It's a concept that gets the blank stare in return when they are told about it.

 

Trying to figure out what you want to do when you only have partial information is maddening and crazy making. This torture can drag on for a long time. Avoid at all costs.

[Realist3]

I know everyone is different in how much information they need, but if I had the above that would be all I need.

[Betterthanthis13]

I know everyone is different in how much information they need, but if I had the above that would be all I need.

 

Aren't you the guy who was a BS at one point but is now involved in active A, and accepts adultery as a legit part of the system?

 

Sorry if I'm not remembering right.

[BetrayedH]

I know everyone is different in how much information they need, but if I had the above that would be all I need.

 

And perhaps the OP will feel the same way. I just think when it actually comes to light, that's rarely how it goes. When I discovered my wife's affair, within a day I had hired a PI to film them, and met with a divorce lawyer. All I knew was one hotel and that was enough. But when I confronted my wife, she confessed and broke down hard and I ended up holding her in my arms and consoling her. It was surreal and marked the beginning of an attempt at reconciliation.

 

I believe that for you, an affair on your wife's part would make for an easy decision since you're already checked-out of your marriage. But I loved my wife dearly and it took a lot of cold, hard facts to get that to go away. And getting the facts proved immensely difficult.

[dichotomy]

Those two texts say to me 95% she is having affair, and sexual one at that.

 

However confront now - and she will may excuse, mimimize, deny anything based on those two texts. If you really love her, you may get turned around so you believe it is nothing, or unsure, then she will go deeper. In some small instances (like 5-10%) sometimes a spouse will confess fully with that small of information... Or you could bluff and say "I know all about OM (his name), I hired a PI and got all your texts.

 

You got two options for more information

 

1) If you can get home for a short period of time, and find the private time, you can install software, key logger on the home computers which will text or email you - or allow remote access- to the logged information where you are stationed.

 

2) Spend the 2-3 grand and hire a local private investigator.

Edited July 22, 2013 by dichotomy

[Realist3]

And perhaps the OP will feel the same way. I just think when it actually comes to light, that's rarely how it goes. When I discovered my wife's affair, within a day I had hired a PI to film them, and met with a divorce lawyer. All I knew was one hotel and that was enough. But when I confronted my wife, she confessed and broke down hard and I ended up holding her in my arms and consoling her. It was surreal and marked the beginning of an attempt at reconciliation.

 

I believe that for you, an affair on your wife's part would make for an easy decision since you're already checked-out of your marriage. But I loved my wife dearly and it took a lot of cold, hard facts to get that to go away. And getting the facts proved immensely difficult.

 

Yes, I understand what you are saying.

 

As you are well aware on this board there are people that spend a good amount of time and effort trying to find something, anything that proves their suspicions. Many times it leads a bunch of circumstantial evidence which takes somewhat of a leap for the BS to confront the WS. What was posted above is hard evidence.

 

For me it comes down to one question. Is the H or W involved in an affair or not? I think in this case it is crystal clear the W is involved in an affair. She can trickle truth, gaslight, etc. as much as she wants, but the fact remains that he has solid evidence that is just as strong as anything a PI could dig up that his W is meeting, kissing, and whatever with someone that is not him.

 

My question is what more evidence does he need to confirm that his W is having an affair?

[Realist3]

Wife: Vegas is a place to be visited with friends so missing you !

OM: Oh here I too missssss youuu soooo veryyy muchh !

 

To me it is plain as day. Maybe that is because of my own experience, but friends don't talk like that.

[BetrayedH]

Yes, I understand what you are saying.

 

As you are well aware on this board there are people that spend a good amount of time and effort trying to find something, anything that proves their suspicions. Many times it leads a bunch of circumstantial evidence which takes somewhat of a leap for the BS to confront the WS. What was posted above is hard evidence.

 

For me it comes down to one question. Is the H or W involved in an affair or not? I think in this case it is crystal clear the W is involved in an affair. She can trickle truth, gaslight, etc. as much as she wants, but the fact remains that he has solid evidence that is just as strong as anything a PI could dig up that his W is meeting, kissing, and whatever with someone that is not him.

 

My question is what more evidence does he need to confirm that his W is having an affair?

 

Oh, I don't think he needs to know more in order to believe she's in an affair but it rarely stops there for a BS. His next choice is whether to try to reconcile or divorce. She could somewhat easily play this off as an EA (or we just kissed once or held hands or some other TT nonsense) when she's really a been a serial cheater since the before they got married. Big difference and this is probably his only chance to really investigate and know the truth. I'm sure my own experience taints my view; it took me 9 months of torture to know that I was wasting my time with a WW that wasn't truly remorseful because it took me that long to know the truth. My gut says this guy will be like most and want to go into a divorce with confidence that will last a lifetime and be able to know that he divorced his children's mother because of more than a suspected kiss.

[BetrayedH]

My view is that he investigates until he determines that he's found enough to feel right about a divorce and not to confront her until he's doing it with divorce papers.

[Betterthanthis13]

Oh, I don't think he needs to know more in order to believe she's in an affair but it rarely stops there for a BS. His next choice is whether to try to reconcile or divorce. She could somewhat easily play this off as an EA (or we just kissed once or held hands or some other TT nonsense) when she's really a been a serial cheater since the before they got married. Big difference and this is probably his only chance to really investigate and know the truth. I'm sure my own experience taints my view; it took me 9 months of torture to know that I was wasting my time with a WW that wasn't truly remorseful because it took me that long to know the truth. My gut says this guy will be like most and want to go into a divorce with confidence that will last a lifetime and be able to know that he divorced his children's mother because of more than a suspected kiss.

 

Exactly.

 

If this were a high school student asking about his girlfriend, this would be more than enough evidence to dump her. With a marriage and children's lives to consider, is it realistic to think he would divorce her over a kiss? Tht is all the evidence he has right now. She can deny deny deny the rest if there is any.

 

Then, if reality is as extreme as she's a serial cheater with multiple lovers since the beginning of the marriage, he will not be aware of it. She continues her charade and he forgives her for the "innocent kiss, bad judgement, one-time thing, I don't know what I was thinking, I'm soooo sorry blah blah blah"

 

Then he's living in a nightmare, an infidelity version of The Truman Show. Nothing is really real. His whole life is false. And she's way more careful to conceal her activities going forward.

 

Is that not realistic?

 

I think the notion of a person divorcing and breaking up their children's homes over evidence of a kiss, and an assumption that there is more to the affair, is complete fantastical nonsense.

[Realist3]

I think the notion of a person divorcing and breaking up their children's homes over evidence of a kiss, and an assumption that there is more to the affair, is complete fantastical nonsense.

 

From what was posted there is evidence of more than a kiss, not on the physical side, but certainly on the emotional side.

 

And yes I know men are far more likely to sweep emotional affairs under the rug as opposed to a physical affair.

 

And don't we have statistics that tell us that 80% of people caught in an affair stay married?

 

I'm not saying he should not do more investigation, just that what he already has in his possession is a lot more than many people ever get.

[Betterthanthis13]

From what was posted there is evidence of more than a kiss, not on the physical side, but certainly on the emotional side.

 

And yes I know men are far more likely to sweep emotional affairs under the rug as opposed to a physical affair.

 

And don't we have statistics that tell us that 80% of people caught in an affair stay married?

 

I'm not saying he should not do more investigation, just that what he already has in his possession is a lot more than many people ever get.

 

That is all true. Perhaps the statement in your final paragraph has a direct correlation to the aforementioned 80% statistic. There's a sad thought.

[Realist3]

That is all true. Perhaps the statement in your final paragraph has a direct correlation to the aforementioned 80% statistic. There's a sad thought.

 

 

I think it has to do more with the fact that most people in affairs don't want a divorce and all that entails, they just want some spice to their life. Similarly, BS's would like to salvage their life as they thought it was.

 

 

 

That's all speculation.

 

 

You're suggestion is that if BS's had more information that number would be a lot lower. Could be.

 

I know there are a lot of BS's that have a need to dwell on the details of the affair, which almost sounds like self-torture when I read it. Perhaps those folks are less likely to be able to reconcile.

[Betterthanthis13]

I think it has to do more with the fact that most people in affairs don't want a divorce and all that entails, they just want some spice to their life. Similarly, BS's would like to salvage their life as they thought it was.

 

 

 

That's all speculation.

 

 

You're suggestion is that if BS's had more information that number would be a lot lower. Could be.

 

I know there are a lot of BS's that have a need to dwell on the details of the affair, which almost sounds like self-torture when I read it. Perhaps those folks are less likely to be able to reconcile.

 

Excluding the cluster B set, I think anyone telling themselves they are having an affair to spice up their life is delusional. If spice was what they wanted, the logical course of action would be to work on the spouse to try fetish play, bdsm, swinging, or polyamory. Lying isn't spice. It's lying.

 

I agree that generally both WS and BS might both keep their heads in the sand a bit pre, during, and post A because the idea of divorce is unpalatable. Some more than others.

 

I also think the incessant need for details and the "self torture" you describe by BS is directly related to WS and BS doing critical analysis on the concept that cheating is a choice and seperate from marriage problems. Once that logic puzzle is internalized, believed and adopted as truth by both parties, the disclosure can come to a truthful end and the who what when where why why why can start winding down. Unfortunately many never reach this point and the sick torture lingers on.

[Realist3]

If spice was what they wanted, the logical course of action would be to work on the spouse to try fetish play, bdsm, swinging, or polyamory.

 

I think it is a bit more complicated than that in most cases. Marriages aren't just based on sex. But let's pretend sex is the issue in the example you suggested and the spouse says, nope, nope, nope, and nope. Then what do you have? You are in the same position you were before you asked, but now you have created yet another negative dynamic within the relationship. What if the WS is not physically attracted to the other person any longer?

 

I'm not going to talk about serial cheaters because I think that is an ego thing coupled with a few other personality disorders.

 

I think most affairs start or at least become a possible decision based on the emotional side of the relationship. One of the most frequently talked about causes discussed here is validation. As couples go along there become issues, whether it be financial, kids, arguments, detachment, growing apart, abuse, substance abuse, and on, and on. Some of which may not be fixable. Seeking the spice that is validation is very easy because there isn't all of that baggage with the AP. It is an easy escape.

Edited July 22, 2013 by Realist3