BF left me cause he wanted to see other people, should I be grateful for his honesty?

[kisslaboca]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this forum, though I must admit to being adicted to reading it for a while. It has been around 3 months since my ex and I split up, but only now how I mustered up the corage to write in this forum, get my self out of denial and feel this horrible pain. He dumped me. It was quite out of the blue. His reasons where that for the last month of our relationship his physical desire for me had dimished and he felt attracted to any ramdom girl on the street but not to me anymore. He said we had been dating already for 2 years, and since Im in my early 30's (he is in his late 20's) that should we continue dating we will end up marrying soon, that he did not have that clear at all and that he wanted to have other girlfriends before he married. (Mind you we had not even spoken about marriage!!!)That though it was adolescent he really wanted to go out and just check out girls, and what not without having a girlfriend and feel guilty about it. He wanted to feel and be single he said. This all came out of the blue. I asked if there was someone else, someone in particular he wanted to go out with and he said no. I know him and his life very well, and actually believe him, so that is not an issue. He just wants to have other girlfriends and play the field before marriage and before turning 30. Bieng his girlfriend for 2 years and not expecting this at all, it hurt a lot to hear this!

 

I had not asked him to marry me and was not preassuring him to do so in any way. I asked him if he felt preassured by me and he said no. We had been however through lots of external preassures in our relationship having to do with loss of our jobs, his moving back to his hometown and my possible moving away from his country, however, the issue and what hurts me is not that he couldn't handle this preassure, which might very well be a great part of what really went on, if not perhaps all. But that he said he left me to have other girlfriends and check out other women when he goes out. That hurts a lot. People just tell me to be greatful that he was honest with me and that this is to his credit. I feel like saying Whatever. But then again, I feel guilty about feeling hurt and with my self steem on the floor cause "at least he was honest about it."

 

F.Y.I. we saw each other 2 after our breakup, and spoke on the phone many times. All times where initiated by him, the first time he came over to bring me some of my stuff, which he insisted upon. It was totally umplaned but we ended up sleeping together---- he practically got on his knees and was about to kiss my feet cause "I looked so good and he got so horny just looking at me" this was after we had a long convo about what went wrong in our relationship, etc. and after having a coffee and stuff and me being very cool about our breakup and just wishing him the best, etc.He ended up staying in my house 2 days that time. I did allow it, not expecting anything in return, knowing we were broken up. However he did f****d me with gusto after not feeling attracted to me. We met again even and did it like 3 times in one nigh---all initated by him. Which needless to say buggles the heck out of me.

 

My self steem is greatly damaged though. I was not expecting to be dumped for this reason of seeing others we were getting along ok, and I was looking preety and sexy. Other reasons like external preassures where at play though, but those where not the reasons he gave me and later on in our convo reiterated as the reason why he wanted to breakup. This has taken a huge toll on my self steem and Im not sure how to cope. Has anyone gone through something similar?

Thanks to all who have read this.

[Barby]

Asi es la vida....

 

Yes it is better that he did indeed tell you the truth, it is better that he didn't make you believe that everything was okay and then go out and cheat on you. I would be grateful that he had los huevos to tell you before doing some other girl.

 

 

If you may be moving out of the country it is probably better that you found out now instead of thinking he was faithful and then once you're gone have him avoid your calls, emails, or whatever and end up finding out that he has "moved on" without telling you.

 

Lo siento por tu tristeza pero asi es la vida y asi es el amor!!

[kisslaboca]

Thanks a lot Barby for your response. It does make sense all you say, but it is so painful. It makes me feel like Im not woman enough for this man. Worst off, I'm still in love with him, it hurts that someone you are in love with wants to all of a sudden see other people, but as you say sad as it is, that is life.

 

However, part of my question still remains, why after not feeling attracted to me, would he get so horny and practically beg me to make love to me?

 

Maybe Im just looking for a sorry excuse to mend my broken ego, deep down I know that rading what you said really hurts cause its the truth, and in this type of case is better to have your eyes open, much as it hurts. Danmmmm it hurts!

[Weird]

Sorry to hear about this but it is better he told you thi than stirng you along pretending like he was happy with things.

 

May I offer some advice...if you se him again don't get humped by him. All you are doing is showing you are willing to be his sex toy depsite him making you feel like **** from the breakup. Trust me, humping him is not going to make him say to himself "gee, I want to get back together!!"

[Barby]

However, part of my question still remains, why after not feeling attracted to me, would he get so horny and practically beg me to make love to me?

 

 

Probably because he was feeling lonely and knew that you were vulnerable and would be willing to fullfill his sexual needs at that point. He wants to have you for his pleasure but not have to have the responsibilty to be faithful to you. He wants to be "free" in case (in his eyes) something "better" came along, but in case they don't he can come back to you whenever he wants to have sex.

 

I am so sorry to be blunt but to be honest that's what it sounds like. I would NOT sleep with him again especially since he has told you clearly that he is going to see other people. Why reduce yourself to merely someone he can use to get his "rocks off" when he wants to but not be good enough to be faithful to? I wouldn't stand for it and hope you don't either....also it is probably more painful to you since you love him so much, each time you two are intimate it rekindles hope in your heart that you two might get back together, that he might come around but in reality he is just keeping you to 'fall back on"

[EnigmaXOXO]

So sorry for the hurt you are feeling right now. No matter how a relationship ends, there is no avoiding the painful fallout no matter what we do. Yet - this too shall pass.

 

No matter what differences the two of you may have had, it says a lot about his respect for you, as a person, that he was willing to do the difficult yet honorable thing and at least leave you with your dignity. At the end of the day, even if it's all we have left, at least it's more than most. It would have been so much more devastating it he had strung you along and carried on his interest in other women behind your back. Or left you for someone else in particular. You would have been left feeling gullible, used and betrayed. It might have even affected your ability to love or trust another man ever again.

 

I think it's safe to say that you will live to love another day as soon as your heart has healed. And I truly hope you continue to excersise your extrodinary good judgement when it comes to selecting honest partners. With intuitions like that, you are already one step ahead of the game.

[reservoirdog1]

My view is that nobody can be blamed for their feelings... it's what they do when faced with those feelings that determines their character.

 

You're hurt because he broke up with you, and that's understandable. You loved him. But, breaking up with you BEFORE he started seeing other women took a lot of courage on his part. He did it the right way, and can't be faulted for that. If it's not there, it's not there. I wish my TBXW had had the guts he had.

 

But, for your own happiness and self-respect, you should probably stop sleeping with him... it'll just make the detachment process harder. If possible, you should break off all contact with him, to make it easier on yourself.

[kisslaboca]

I want to thank each and everyone of you that have taken the time to reply to me. You have no idea how much it has helped just to share what I'm feeling and to read your kind words of sympathy, support and advice. You have made this a bit easier on me in terms of facing and digesting the difficult feelings that come as a result of this situation.

 

I wanted to let you guys know that I stopped sleeping with my ex. I actually moved away to another country around a month and a half ago. There is the posibility though that I may move near him in the future due to job reasons, but I will be much stronger when that happens, if it actually does. Also I wanted to let you know that when we did do it, it wasn't your typical booty call. He would drive 3 hours to see me, spend days at a time with me, and we would go to the movies, talk about our relationship and our lives and do tourism together, he was also affectionate out of bed. But all in all, he never did take back his "I want to be single statement", so at the end of the day he was indeed probably just satisfying his necesities, having me for his pleasure but not having the responsibilty to be in relationship with me. Im no victim, I allowed it, however I think that the dumper has the control in these cases, and it was him who initiated things I was much too vulnerable still. It makes me angry at him and my self that he probably used me, and I hadn’t come to terms with it until now. It hurt a lot to admit it to my self, so I had to sugar coated up to now, but writing this and reading your responses helped me face reality, which was most needed.

 

His desire to spend time with me and call me responded to the fact that I was leaving his country and his sleeping with me responded to him not being emotionally ready to "hump" (as Weird put it) someone else. He admited to me he had not slept yet with any other person 2 months post breakup because he was not feeling good about the breakup. Still he carried around "emergency" condoms, which he explained were a reflex since he was single now, and cause he knows me and trusts me but he doesn't know others. Ooooo Kkk. I wanted to think all that his hanging out with me and calling me meant he still loved me somehow. But I guess not.

 

In any case, we are no longer in touch. I told him that I would stop all contact when I left and asked him not to contact. He was sadden by this, and insisted I contacted him one last time to let him know I got home ok. A few weeks ago he emailed me cause hurracaine Jeanne had hit my state and apologized for having contacted. I answered him friendly and brief and that has been it.

 

It hurts a lot when somebody you love and acts to the last minute like they love you dumps you because suddenly they are not attracted to u but are attracted to strangers and want to hump them. I feel so rejected, and horrible like every other woman is better than me, like there is something wrong with me, part of me feels worthless like Im not woman enough even though I know Im attractive, tried to be sexy for my man and feel confident with my bed skills. I feel like scum and will see a therapist cause my self steem is on the floor. Is this normal? Im in so much pain. Has any one else been dumped for this reason? Did you survive it? How did you manage to deal with it and get your self steem up?