Should Your Significant Other Deserve the Best From You...?

[USMCHokie]

That's just surface stuff though, pretence while the contract/employment lasts. People are rarely themselves at work anyway.

 

It is also the reason why a lot of relationships don't last: the real core eventually comes to the surface.

 

Do you think focused and consistent effort applied to changing surface traits will eventually produce permanent changes to the core?

[Emilia]

Do you think focused and consistent effort applied to changing surface traits will eventually produce permanent changes to the core?

I don't know for sure because I don't know enough about Neuroplasticity or personality disorders.

 

My gut feeling is though that changing surface traits will probably result in something that's a good 'pretense'. An example is if you are introverted and don't naturally enjoy being the centre of attention but have the sort of job where you have to perform, present and socialise, you will become more at ease with extroverted traits but you will still value your downtime by yourself. You probably still won't be able to recharge otherwise.

 

A personal example is that my attention to detail isn't perfect. Training as an Analyst has made it better but my natural reaction is to scan things and I had to set up processes to force myself to be more methodical. I'm definitely more thorough as a result and more so than most people BUT if I didn't have those processes in place I would make more mistakes. It would not be possible for me to be as methodical without those processes.

[Sidz]

I think my girlfriend deserves the best from me, and she is patient with my shortcomings, loving me because of our complementary personalities.

 

I'm always touched when she is patient with my apparent flaws, and because of this I choose to want to make improvements to myself, and feel like I have the freedom to do so because she already accepts me.

 

The temptation is to be complacent and lazy. But, I'd like to not do that.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Reading the thread makes me think I do things for my SO rather than just strictly for myself. It's not necessarily that I would get complacent as it doesn't happen when I'm single but I definitely strive to do things that work for him. I try to pick a compatible person in the first place though so I suppose that's where my control comes into it.

 

I do. The thread confuses me a bit with its premise, at least as I'm understanding it.

 

"The best" from me includes me compromising FOR him, and for the relationship. It includes me doing many things I don't exactly feel like doing, and some things I am happy to do but which are just for HIM and not about me "being" one way or another.

 

I can tend towards self involvement, so being aware of that and keeping it at bay is a huge part of how I can give my best.

 

Also, being fair, fighting fair, being accountable when I'm wrong or have behaved in a negative manner, being willing to let go of hurts, facing conflict when required, giving trust, making some sacrifices - all that kind of stuff seems MUCH more a part of "giving my best" than going to the gym, keeping up on my skin care regime, pursuing my personal goals, maintaining the home, etc. And I DO think those things are also important.

[xxoo]

And how does one know they have given their personal best? How do you know you're as good as you're going to get? Can we ever "max out" ourselves...?

 

Ideally, we continue to grow and develop throughout life. No, I don't believe we ever max out of developing and growing as a person.

 

I am a believer, however, in balance, and enjoying the moment. Mastering those concepts is a part of our lifelong development.

[Mme. Chaucer]

And how does one know they have given their personal best? How do you know you're as good as you're going to get? Can we ever "max out" ourselves...?

 

It's not a linear situation. "Best" encompasses more than you, or any of us, can even imagine. It includes stuff like dealing with a terrible illness of ours or our loved one with grace, or handling success humbly, addressing one's own shortcomings. It's how you live your life. Not a task to be accomplished with a positive or negative outcome.

[TheGuard13]

I do. The thread confuses me a bit with its premise, at least as I'm understanding it.

 

"The best" from me includes me compromising FOR him, and for the relationship. It includes me doing many things I don't exactly feel like doing, and some things I am happy to do but which are just for HIM and not about me "being" one way or another.

 

I can tend towards self involvement, so being aware of that and keeping it at bay is a huge part of how I can give my best.

 

Also, being fair, fighting fair, being accountable when I'm wrong or have behaved in a negative manner, being willing to let go of hurts, facing conflict when required, giving trust, making some sacrifices - all that kind of stuff seems MUCH more a part of "giving my best" than going to the gym, keeping up on my skin care regime, pursuing my personal goals, maintaining the home, etc. And I DO think those things are also important.

 

Bingo.

 

Finally, someone said the two key words, 11 pages in.

 

I don't even know what "striving to be your best" means, to be honest. It's a buzzphrase to me, like stuff along the lines of "Give 110 percent". It's ultimately kind of meaningless unless you're comparing it to something specific. In other words, it's all situational, and "best" is kind of relative.

 

Relationships, beyond giving your best, are about compromise. Inherent in compromise is an element of sacrifice. I believe people should be prepared to both sacrifice and compromise for their partner.

 

The whole "accept me as I am" thing is a doublesided issue and flies in the face of relationship logic, especially if the way you "are" is not a mature or healthy way to be, or detrimental to your partner in some serious or key way. This is, of course, contextual and also relative, but you get the point.

 

I think your significant other, at the least, deserves "effort", if not the best you can possibly be. Though what makes people "deserve" that? Giving the same? Being a decent person? You liking them?

[Mme. Chaucer]

"Deserve" is a pretty problematic concept … most things, nobody "deserves" no matter what.

[Pyro]

It's not a linear situation. "Best" encompasses more than you, or any of us, can even imagine. It includes stuff like dealing with a terrible illness of ours or our loved one with grace, or handling success humbly, addressing one's own shortcomings. It's how you live your life. Not a task to be accomplished with a positive or negative outcome.

 

Logic? You DO know how it works.

[TheDaysSlideBy]

I'm chiming in late here but wanted to reply because this is such a great question and one I'm struggling with lately in my marriage. Even before reading this thread I thought it might well be something that contributes to the end of my relationship and now I'm even more convinced that this is a glaring and problematic difference between us. Because my answer would be yes, I think my partner deserves the best me I can be. Does that mean that every day I dress in my finest garb, spend 45 minutes doing my hair, and spurn the latest bestsellers so I can immerse myself only in classic Russian literature? No. I'm human and I accept that my husband is too. Not to mention that Russian literature is nothing but depressing and difficult to wade through, damnit! Give me a fun YA book instead any day. But in general, even outside of my relationship and any sense of obligation I have to my husband, I tend to put effort into my life. I stay in shape and spend time on my appearance, keep up with current affairs, voraciously read both novels and non-fiction books, regularly develop new skills and try out new hobbies, keep myself open to new experiences and allow them to change my views on life, and constantly try to learn from the experiences of others. I think that all keeps me interesting and desirable. Which is how I want my husband to see me. Again, I'd do those things for my own sake anyway just like I did before we met but I'll say that I do feel some responsibility to be as amazing as I can be for him. I don't feel that I need to earn or deserve his love, attention, and admiration but I'd like to make it as easy as possible for those feelings to stay alive in our relationship. From reading this thread I guess this means I qualify as a striver.

 

This becomes a problem because my husband is most decidedly a non-striver. Yes, yes, this is something I should have picked up on before I married him and it's all my fault for choosing such a poorly-matched mate. Clearly I wasn't smart enough to foresee this being such an issue seven years down the line. He would argue that he doesn't see the point in life being a never-ending pursuit of improvement, that the mere thought of that exhausts him. He is content in life. And he is content with being content. He doesn't desire happiness or emotional highs the way I do so he has no incentive to make changes or efforts to achieve that. A prime example of this is exercise/his weight. In the eight years I've known him he's gained over 100 pounds. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around that for many reasons but most notably because I would never in a million years let myself get to that point even if I were single. That's not how I want to live my life. I say that as someone who used to be fat and did lose 90 pounds in my early 20s so it's not that I'm not sympathetic. His attitude is that the effort it would take to lose weight would make him miserable. Exercising hurts and denying himself delicious food is tantamount to denying himself pleasure. That even if it affects his health to the point where he lives ten years less than he would if he were healthy it's worth it because he'd have spent those extra ten years making himself miserable with exercise and diet. As a striver, I'll admit that in addition to concerns about his health, longevity, and appearance, I do sometimes have the thought that by letting himself gain so much weight he's not being fair to me or our relationship. Kind of a crappy thought to have but there it is. He very much has the "true love is unconditionally accepting me the way I am" attitude so, again, clearly he has no incentive or motivation to change anything about himself for my sake. He seemed absolutely baffled when I asked him this very question many months ago. It was a foreign concept to him.

 

The result of this difference is that I feel like I make monumental strides as a person and feel like he doesn't. I feel like I'm only improving with age and feel like he's stagnated. I feel like I've maintained myself and in some ways gotten even better looking during the course of our relationship and feel like he's become someone unrecognizable to the man I married. I'm sure I sound shallow and judgmental but those are the sorts of feelings that come up with this personality difference. I do wish I could just accept him and all of his flaws and personality traits but after all of these years I just feel annoyed and resentful. While I enjoy doing most of the self-improvement activities I do and certainly enjoy my own personal growth, part of me resents that he gets to benefit from it all without making comparable efforts. It's a problem and I wholeheartedly agree with those who suggested taking more care when choosing a partner. It's not that his way is wrong and mine is right; it's that if you're the sort of person who would answer "yes" to this question and your partner says "no" or gives you a WTF look when you ask, it's likely going to cause problems in the long run.