Should Your Significant Other Deserve the Best From You...?

[Emilia]

I think you are talking about 180 degrees turns but there are changes in a lower degree that can affect the person you are with... Lets say a very confident person is fired and finds out his wife has cheated on him in a short time... you will see how that person who was very confident has become much less confident is a very short period of time. Gens are a very important part of who we are but life experiences are almost as important.

Well I did say 'short of trauma' though I think for a resilient person it would be only a temporary set back.

[therhythm]

Ok, I will tell you another kind of change that many people has and has nothing to do with trauma... People settle down, my best friend married 4 years ago and ever since then he has become more and more a house person while when he was single he was the guy who would go the last to bed and out every night... The center of the party kind of guy.

[Emilia]

Ok, I will tell you another kind of change that many people has and has nothing to do with trauma... People settle down, my best friend married 4 years ago and ever since then he has become more and more a house person while when he was single he was the guy who would go the last to bed and out every night... The center of the party kind of guy.

Has his personality changed though? Or has he learned to channel his energies differently through sports, children, dinner parties, etc? The reason why people calm down as they get older is that they learn how to get stimulation in different ways, especially external energy. It doesn't necessarily mean their core personality changes.

[therhythm]

Has his personality changed though? Or has he learned to channel his energies differently through sports, children, dinner parties, etc? The reason why people calm down as they get older is that they learn how to get stimulation in different ways, especially external energy. It doesn't necessarily mean their core personality changes.

 

Well...if a guy who used to be the center of the party gets settle down is a big change in the core personality of that person as it was one of the characteristics that defined him.

 

I have another one though... people who are very sexual when they go in a relationship and they lose libido (sexuality is also a characteristic of your personality).

 

One more... what about that person who always said he/she would never cheat (even was totally against people who would do such a thing)... and then they finally cheat? is loyalty not a core personal characteristic?

[Emilia]

Well...if a guy who used to be the center of the party gets settle down is a big change in the core personality of that person as it was one of the characteristics that defined him.

I don't think that's necessarily true. Maybe he gets to be centre of attention somewhere else? In his girlfriend's bedroom? Or in the local gym? Or at his son's school?

I have another one though... people who are very sexual when they go in a relationship and they lose libido (sexuality is also a characteristic of your personality).

Loss of libido can be a sign of many things. Or perhaps they were 'sexual' first to trap someone. It is a big selling point nowdays.

One more... what about that person who always said he/she would never cheat (even was totally against people who would do such a thing)... and then they finally cheat? is loyalty not a core personal characteristic?

It is when it's true. People lie a lot in my experience.

[USMCHokie]

Has his personality changed though? Or has he learned to channel his energies differently through sports, children, dinner parties, etc? The reason why people calm down as they get older is that they learn how to get stimulation in different ways, especially external energy. It doesn't necessarily mean their core personality changes.

 

Well, semantics aside, then replace "core personality" with "channeling of energies"...should one be motivated to channel their energies differently for the person they love...?

[therhythm]

I don't think that's necessarily true. Maybe he gets to be centre of attention somewhere else? In his girlfriend's bedroom? Or in the local gym? Or at his son's school?

 

Loss of libido can be a sign of many things. Or perhaps they were 'sexual' first to trap someone. It is a big selling point nowdays.

 

It is when it's true. People lie a lot in my experience.

 

This is the key point... people lie the whole time... you can't really know if people actually changed or they always were that way and they were just lying.. any of the two is still a valid point when accepting the idea that the person you are with may change in the future.

[Emilia]

Well, semantics aside, then replace "core personality" with "channeling of energies"...should one be motivated to channel their energies differently for the person they love...?

No I don't think so.

[Emilia]

This is the key point... people lie the whole time... you can't really know if people actually changed or they always were that way and they were just lying.. any of the two is still a valid point when accepting the idea that the person you are with may change in the future.

I think - hopefully - people grow and develop as they gain more experience in life but that they have a core that doesn't change. Maybe they learn to tone it down if they think it gives them a peace of mind but I don't think people fundamentally turn into someone completely different.

[therhythm]

I don't think people fundamentally turn into someone completely different.

 

You should have met my ex girlfriend , I am sure we would not be having this talk if you would.

[Emilia]

You should have met my ex girlfriend , I am sure we would not be having this talk if you would.

I think the dynamic between two people changes frequently and when you get to know the person you realise they aren't exactly how you thought they would be, but that's not the same as that person changing fundamentally.

[therhythm]

I think the dynamic between two people changes frequently and when you get to know the person you realise they aren't exactly how you thought they would be, but that's not the same as that person changing fundamentally.

 

Well I either was as stupid and blind as anyone can get of she changed from an angel to a demon in no time... I don't want to make this thread about me so allow me to respectfully disagree with your theory... I do think people can change.

 

I know guys who were dangerous people (but really dangerous! ) who have turned to the total opposite, for example the pastor who works in the homeless shelter I volunteer in was convicted for selling drugs and killing one guy in the 70's... he is now totally devoted to help other people and is the kindest person i have ever met...

[Emilia]

I know guys who were dangerous people (but really dangerous! ) who have turned to the total opposite, for example the pastor who works in the homeless shelter I volunteer in was convicted for selling drugs and killing one guy in the 70's... he is now totally devoted to help other people and is the kindest person i have ever met...

What you are describing is the presence of empathy. I don't know whether it is something you can obtain at a later stage in your life but real psychopaths don't have it. A person can be dangerous but still have empathy. My ex boyfriend is 'dangerous' and kills people for a living but he never threatens me or his family or anyone he likes or loves.

 

People change but not fundamentally.

[therhythm]

What you are describing is the presence of empathy. I don't know whether it is something you can obtain at a later stage in your life but real psychopaths don't have it. A person can be dangerous but still have empathy. My ex boyfriend is 'dangerous' and kills people for a living but he never threatens me or his family or anyone he likes or loves.

 

People change but not fundamentally.

 

I am not discussing that some part of who he is now wasn't there at that time (empathy) but there is not major fundamental changes that the ones from someone capable of killing someone for money and someone who is devoting his life to help others... the core values of that person and the core drives are totally different... it is almost a different person.

 

Once you have to tell me about your ex, I would love to hear that story... you got me curious... but I guess it would not be fair to derail this thread with that question

[Taramere]

What you are describing is the presence of empathy. I don't know whether it is something you can obtain at a later stage in your life but real psychopaths don't have it. A person can be dangerous but still have empathy. My ex boyfriend is 'dangerous' and kills people for a living but he never threatens me or his family or anyone he likes or loves.

 

People change but not fundamentally.

 

I've heard people talking about wanting to "learn" empathy, and I think what they mean is they want to mimic it successfully. It would be a bit like learning to enjoy a particular genre of music that you don't gravitate to naturally. You might become an expert about that genre, and you might develop the ability to grade its merit according to how difficult it is to play.....but is it ever going to give you goosebumps, the physical rush or the sheer emotional pull that music you love creates?

[Emilia]

I am not discussing that some part of who he is now wasn't there at that time (empathy) but there is not major fundamental changes that the ones from someone capable of killing someone for money and someone who is devoting his life to help others... the core values of that person and the core drives are totally different... it is almost a different person.

Well I'm hoping I'm not derailing Hokie's thread (sorry Hokster if that's the case) but I think what drives a person deep down doesn't change - and I suppose that point is relevant here.

 

You would need to know the person well enough to understand what drove him, whether getting out of poverty, killing that person in the 70s because he was scared for his life, etc. None of those things mean he couldn't be a reformed criminal later. It does feel though that not knowing enough about that person makes it impossible to have a constructive argument.

Once you have to tell me about your ex, I would love to hear that story... you got me curious... but I guess it would not be fair to derail this thread with that question

Nothing special that's worth discussing, you can find millions of similar stories on the internet.

[Emilia]

I've heard people talking about wanting to "learn" empathy, and I think what they mean is they want to mimic it successfully. It would be a bit like learning to enjoy a particular genre of music that you don't gravitate to naturally. You might become an expert about that genre, and you might develop the ability to grade its merit according to how difficult it is to play.....but is it ever going to give you goosebumps, the physical rush or the sheer emotional pull that music you love creates?

I sometimes wonder about NPD but I don't think I know anyone that has it.

[therhythm]

Well I'm hoping I'm not derailing Hokie's thread (sorry Hokster if that's the case) but I think what drives a person deep down doesn't change - and I suppose that point is relevant here.

 

You would need to know the person well enough to understand what drove him, whether getting out of poverty, killing that person in the 70s because he was scared for his life, etc. None of those things mean he couldn't be a reformed criminal later. It does feel though that not knowing enough about that person makes it impossible to have a constructive argument.

 

As I said before lets agree to disagree.

 

Nothing special that's worth discussing, you can find millions of similar stories on the internet.

Well I have never (ever) hear the story from someone who was dating a person who kills people for living :eek: I think your "nothing special" is very different than mine... but I agree this is not the place for it

[Emilia]

Well I have never (ever) hear the story from someone who was dating a person who kills people for living :eek: I think your "nothing special" is very different than mine... but I agree this is not the place for it

It's just soldiering, nothing special. I forget outside the UK or the US it's a bigger thing perhaps, here it's extremely common. My boss served in Northern Ireland and it's exactly what he did.

[Taramere]

I sometimes wonder about NPD but I don't think I know anyone that has it.

 

I wonder how often it anybody actually gets diagnosed with NPD - and if those diagnoses even happen in psychiatric hospitals. I've certainly met narcissistic people and I have a friend who has a severe eating disorder (is constantly in and out of hospital with it). I think conditions like that often include strongly narcissistic traits, but narcissism itself isn't the condition. It seems like the sort of trait that would accompany other conditions rather than being a condition in its own right.

 

I had a boyfriend at uni who had strongly narcissistic traits. The majority of the people on our course thought he was an absolute twat, but I felt that there was more to him. I Then after several years I was forced to conclude that he was just a twat after all. In between the breakdown of the relationship and the reaching of that conclusion, I spent a good while (assisted by the internet and particularly by Loveshack) seeing myself as being in recovery following a traumatising experience with a narcissist. Aided and abetted by a guy I met who was a psychiatrist and who concluded (after I fed him all the right diagnostic criteria) that my ex did indeed sound very narcissistic.

 

I laugh now, but at the time I really was in earnest about being "in recovery". How the breakdown of love encourages us to embarrass ourselves.

[Emilia]

In between the breakdown of the relationship and the reaching of that conclusion, I spent a good while (assisted by the internet and particularly by Loveshack) seeing myself as being in recovery following a traumatising experience with a narcissist. Aided and abetted by a guy I met who was a psychiatrist and who concluded (after I fed him all the right diagnostic criteria) that my ex did indeed sound very narcissistic.

 

I laugh now, but at the time I really was in earnest about being "in recovery". How the breakdown of love encourages us to embarrass ourselves.

Well... some people are very good at crossing boundaries so maybe it was a recovery.

[USMCHokie]

You can only give your personal best.

 

And how does one know they have given their personal best? How do you know you're as good as you're going to get? Can we ever "max out" ourselves...?

[Got it]

I'm not sure. I think - short of experiencing some kind of trauma - it isn't really possible to do a 180 degree turn. Whatever makes up an introverted personality will not change into extroverted and vice versa.

 

I think it can be done though it is difficult. There are core personality traits that one can change but it is a conscious and concerted effort. In business you will ask of it of employees that are not lining up with company goals, performance, etc. Some employees will make the changes, some will not.

[Eggplant]

Each partner should strive to be his or her personal best while accepting the other for who he or she is.

[Emilia]

I think it can be done though it is difficult. There are core personality traits that one can change but it is a conscious and concerted effort. In business you will ask of it of employees that are not lining up with company goals, performance, etc. Some employees will make the changes, some will not.

That's just surface stuff though, pretence while the contract/employment lasts. People are rarely themselves at work anyway.

 

It is also the reason why a lot of relationships don't last: the real core eventually comes to the surface.