Should Your Significant Other Deserve the Best From You...?

[SJC2008]

[quote=USMCHokie;5067157

Of course a balance of the two is probably the right answer, but I feel like the two ideas run counter to each other. If you feel your partner should be happy how you are, then there is no incentive to improve for them, whether it's maintaining or improving physical appearance, becoming more well-read or educated, advancing your career, learning new skills or hobbies, etc.

 

Why should there be an incentive to improve if you're with the right person? In addition to the obvious qualities that most people whant like honesty and monogomy all I ask for is self awarness, compassion and to be emotionally available. I'm a very simple person, it doesn't take much for me to be happy. And if I find someone that I'm happy with we can just live our life and be happy. Simple as that.

 

People want it ALL and that doesn't exist. I'd take a woman who was less adventerous in bed (as long as she wasn't a log) with the aformentioned qualities over a woman without those qualites who screws like a porn star. It boils down to must haves and nice to haves.

[AmarilloSkies]

I'm in a situation dealing with this subject.

 

My long-term boyfriend is always complaining that I have "changed." I'm not romantic anymore, etc.

 

We once had a long talk about how, if he wants to be with me, he will have to accept me how I am. He said he would, and didn't want to call it quits.

 

He was great for a few weeks but has since been back complaining.

 

Do I feel like I am giving this relationship my all? No. Do I want to put more effort into it? Not especially.

 

He says he doesn't feel loved, and that breaks my heart.

 

The problem is that I want him to be happy with our relationship and how I am, but I don't necessarily want to have to work to make him happy. I just want him to be content with how our relationship is.

 

I don't know what to do. He has done a lot for me in our relationship and I appreciate it beyond words, but I don't want to change. I also don't want him to keep making me feel bad that he doesn't feel loved and I don't give him enough affection.

[krz12]

(4) get a dishwasher. I'm serious. Take the conflict out of the equation.

 

5. Get 2 dishwashers. 1 empty to load the dirty dishes into, and 1 to hold the clean dishes from the last washing. Fill the dirty, then swap.

[Pyro]

....or should your significant other accept you just the way you are?

 

I see two polar viewpoints to this...first, and probably the more popular belief, is that if someone genuinely loved you, they would love and accept you just the way you are. On the other hand, if you genuinely loved someone else, wouldn't you want them to get the best you have to offer?

 

Do you feel there is any sort of unwritten motivation, incentive, or even "obligation" to be the best person you can be for your partner? Or does the obligation fall on your partner to accept you just the way you are and expect nothing more?

 

Of course a balance of the two is probably the right answer, but I feel like the two ideas run counter to each other. If you feel your partner should be happy how you are, then there is no incentive to improve for them, whether it's maintaining or improving physical appearance, becoming more well-read or educated, advancing your career, learning new skills or hobbies, etc.

 

Are your expectations from your significant other different from your expectations of yourself?

 

Too many posts to read after this.

 

Who I am is the best that I have to offer. I never have nor will I ever half as$ who I am to my SO.

 

I expect the same in return and if I was getting any less than the best then I wouldn't be with her.

[zebracolors]

....or should your significant other accept you just the way you are?

 

I see two polar viewpoints to this...first, and probably the more popular belief, is that if someone genuinely loved you, they would love and accept you just the way you are. On the other hand, if you genuinely loved someone else, wouldn't you want them to get the best you have to offer?

 

Do you feel there is any sort of unwritten motivation, incentive, or even "obligation" to be the best person you can be for your partner? Or does the obligation fall on your partner to accept you just the way you are and expect nothing more?

 

Of course a balance of the two is probably the right answer, but I feel like the two ideas run counter to each other. If you feel your partner should be happy how you are, then there is no incentive to improve for them, whether it's maintaining or improving physical appearance, becoming more well-read or educated, advancing your career, learning new skills or hobbies, etc.

 

Are your expectations from your significant other different from your expectations of yourself?

 

Accept them as they are, both positive and negative traits, or encourage them to improve negative traits? I feel like it's a little circumstantial. If you accept someone "as they are" it of course should not mean that you also accept and tolerate any negative, potentially harmful traits and characteristics. And there is nothing wrong with wanting to encourage a partner to change negative traits, at least traits that are harmful to themselves, you or others. I feel like the things Hokie mentioned for improving should first be done for one's self.

 

Now I only highlight improving harmful traits, because when someone comes to mean that much to you, there's somethings that you find yourself willing to tolerate, and similarly things they tolerate about you. But I think mostly when we genuinely care about someone alot, we want to encourage them to do what they have to, to improve their life. Its like how I would not want to get into a relationship with someone who only takes a passive interest in my well-being, Id like if he cared about if i improve my life. I hope that makes sense.

[HokeyReligions]

....or should your significant other accept you just the way you are?

 

Yes and yes. Are you writing a book?!

[todreaminblue]

I dont think in a relationship you should stagnate or go into hibernation from growth...yes a person should accept you for who you are...but as that person you should want to grow not just feel comfortable......i think all things that are good including good relationships.....grow and evolve.......and in that acceptance of limitations.........understanding and compassion towards another when you hit the rough spots or failures........life and love will always have challenges....if you dont learn from them.....there is no growth...if you look at th eworld through a childs eyes...everything is new and untried and wholly challenging....unexplored............sometimes...it is good to remember that view and want to gorw by challengingh each other ina relationship......nto as copmpetition.....but to benefit.......deb

[tbf]

People keep projecting their own desires for a particular type of relationship. Not everyone wants to continue self-improving and are happier in relationships that are less eventful. More power to them, especially if they find someone with a similar mindset.

 

No matter which way you fold, unfold, twist and turn relationships, if you're not compatible, your relationship won't endure.

[Pyro]

Not everyone wants to continue self-improving and are happier in relationships that are less eventful. More power to them, especially if they find someone with a similar mindset.

 

Amen.

 

Story of my life.

 

I like to think that by keeping things simple like we are and remaining happy that we are continually improving.

 

Some people can't handle being stable like that.

[Silly_Girl]

....or should your significant other accept you just the way you are?

 

I see two polar viewpoints to this...first, and probably the more popular belief, is that if someone genuinely loved you, they would love and accept you just the way you are. On the other hand, if you genuinely loved someone else, wouldn't you want them to get the best you have to offer?

 

Do you feel there is any sort of unwritten motivation, incentive, or even "obligation" to be the best person you can be for your partner? Or does the obligation fall on your partner to accept you just the way you are and expect nothing more?

 

Of course a balance of the two is probably the right answer, but I feel like the two ideas run counter to each other. If you feel your partner should be happy how you are, then there is no incentive to improve for them, whether it's maintaining or improving physical appearance, becoming more well-read or educated, advancing your career, learning new skills or hobbies, etc.

 

Are your expectations from your significant other different from your expectations of yourself?

 

My SO loves and accepts me as I am, but being with him makes me want to be a better person, and strive to be as good a person as he himself is

[Emilia]

People keep projecting their own desires for a particular type of relationship. Not everyone wants to continue self-improving and are happier in relationships that are less eventful. More power to them, especially if they find someone with a similar mindset.

No matter which way you fold, unfold, twist and turn relationships, if you're not compatible, your relationship won't endure.

 

Amen.

 

Story of my life.

 

I like to think that by keeping things simple like we are and remaining happy that we are continually improving.

 

Some people can't handle being stable like that.

I think age comes into it. As you get older you are more chilled (hopefully) so what striving is now would have been very different from how you felt 5 or 10 years ago.

 

Very interesting topic, it's a dynamic I observe in marriages all the time.

[Els]

Hopefully not too much of a derail but...

 

Do dishwashers REALLY work for you guys? We have one, but it seems we need to scrub our plates before putting them in, else they come out with bits of stuff still stuck to them. Which isn't much different from actually washing them ourselves.

 

Maybe they only really work for sandwiches, salads, etc, but not food that actually sticks to the plate?

 

I'm feeling grumpy cause I currently have a sinkload of plates waiting for me to do...

[Got it]

....or should your significant other accept you just the way you are?

 

I see two polar viewpoints to this...first, and probably the more popular belief, is that if someone genuinely loved you, they would love and accept you just the way you are. On the other hand, if you genuinely loved someone else, wouldn't you want them to get the best you have to offer?

 

Do you feel there is any sort of unwritten motivation, incentive, or even "obligation" to be the best person you can be for your partner? Or does the obligation fall on your partner to accept you just the way you are and expect nothing more?

 

Of course a balance of the two is probably the right answer, but I feel like the two ideas run counter to each other. If you feel your partner should be happy how you are, then there is no incentive to improve for them, whether it's maintaining or improving physical appearance, becoming more well-read or educated, advancing your career, learning new skills or hobbies, etc.

 

Are your expectations from your significant other different from your expectations of yourself?

 

While yes we should accept our significant others for whom they are, that doesn't mean we should except less in ourselves. We should want to aspire to be the best person we can be for our SO. Because, they above everyone else, deserves the best person we can be.

 

Now its just walking that talk every day. Sigh.

[tbf]

I think age comes into it. As you get older you are more chilled (hopefully) so what striving is now would have been very different from how you felt 5 or 10 years ago.

 

Very interesting topic, it's a dynamic I observe in marriages all the time.

Not sure if I agree that age necessarily impacts on relationship model. My parents are improving types, always striving and learning. Same for H's parents. This fits their relationship models and ours where layed out in this manner, it's obvious where H and I created our relationship model from, osmosis from parental role models.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I think you should want to be your best for your SO, and that they should take you as you are.

 

 

My expectations for him are the same as his for me.

Give and take, some things he is better at than I am, and some things I am better at.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Why does it have to be so black and white, this or that, either/or?

 

I know. That is what troubles me about the entire premise of this thread.

 

In a successful relationship, people DO accept and love each other for who they actually are, through good times and not so good, through fatter times and thinner ones.

 

ALSO, if the relationship is healthy, BOTH people are consciously working on bringing their best to it.

 

It's not a question of "deserve." It's a question of what kind of work and effort goes into having a successful and fulfilling relationship.

 

Also, specific to the point of view of the OP - physical and superficial qualities (going to the gym, sharing hobbies and being good at them) are only the merest tip of the iceberg when it comes to bringing one's best AND to accepting a loved one for who they are. Flaws and all. We all have them and if we're intimately involved with another person, they will reveal themselves from time to time.

[USMCHokie]

In a successful relationship, people DO accept and love each other for who they actually are, through good times and not so good, through fatter times and thinner ones.

 

ALSO, if the relationship is healthy, BOTH people are consciously working on bringing their best to it.

 

Of course a balance of the two must be struck, but I feel like for many, one pole tends to come out to the forefront...

 

It's not a question of "deserve." It's a question of what kind of work and effort goes into having a successful and fulfilling relationship.

 

Right, and you often see people in relationships who don't want to do the work, as well as their partners who don't care (or do care but won't admit it) if they don't do the work. It just puzzles me from my perspective.

 

Flaws and all. We all have them and if we're intimately involved with another person, they will reveal themselves from time to time.

 

But why do people settle with their flaws? If an employer gave you a performance evaluation outlining some areas for improvement, would you ignore them and just go about your business? Not a perfect analogy by any stretch, but shouldn't there be motivation to improve one's "flaws" throughout his life, whether in career or relationships?

[USMCHokie]

Hopefully not too much of a derail but...

 

Do dishwashers REALLY work for you guys? We have one, but it seems we need to scrub our plates before putting them in, else they come out with bits of stuff still stuck to them. Which isn't much different from actually washing them ourselves.

 

Maybe they only really work for sandwiches, salads, etc, but not food that actually sticks to the plate?

 

I'm feeling grumpy cause I currently have a sinkload of plates waiting for me to do...

 

I grew up washing dishes my hand and using the dishwasher as a drying rack and storage for clean dishes. When I first started using a dishwasher last year, I ended up rinsing them off and scrubbing the food and stuff off of them. It was like I was washing the dishes by hand and then washing them again in the dishwasher...

[Els]

I grew up washing dishes my hand and using the dishwasher as a drying rack and storage for clean dishes. When I first started using a dishwasher last year, I ended up rinsing them off and scrubbing the food and stuff off of them. It was like I was washing the dishes by hand and then washing them again in the dishwasher...

 

I know, right? Same here.

 

Pertaining your original question, I think that there is a difference between inherent personality traits, and areas of potential self improvement. I think the biggest part of 'accepting someone as they are' is most relevant to the former, whereas 'being the best you can be' is relevant to the latter.

 

Take for example someone who is reserved, conservative, geeky, etc. Those are personality traits, for the most part. Some will perceive them as negative, and some will perceive them as positive. That is where the 'accepting' part comes in. Don't get into a relationship with someone who has personality traits you disagree with, and then expect them to change.

 

On the other hand, 'being the best you can be' refers to striving to do well and putting in effort (in this case, into your relationship). One can do that without losing personality and sense of self.

[USMCHokie]

I know, right? Same here.

 

Pertaining your original question, I think that there is a difference between inherent personality traits, and areas of potential self improvement. I think the biggest part of 'accepting someone as they are' is most relevant to the former, whereas 'being the best you can be' is relevant to the latter.

 

Take for example someone who is reserved, conservative, geeky, etc. Those are personality traits, for the most part. Some will perceive them as negative, and some will perceive them as positive. That is where the 'accepting' part comes in. Don't get into a relationship with someone who has personality traits you disagree with, and then expect them to change.

 

On the other hand, 'being the best you can be' refers to striving to do well and putting in effort (in this case, into your relationship). One can do that without losing personality and sense of self.

 

I understand what you're saying and can see the differentiation between the two. But where do you draw the line between immutable personality traits and areas for self improvement?

 

For example, when I was growing up, I was quite meek, reserved, conservative, and geeky. But as I got older, I had to make a conscientious effort to "improve" those qualities I was born with. I evolved my personality and sense of self, rather than just accepting who I was.

[Emilia]

For example, when I was growing up, I was quite meek, reserved, conservative, and geeky. But as I got older, I had to make a conscientious effort to "improve" those qualities I was born with. I evolved my personality and sense of self, rather than just accepting who I was.

This is what your 20s are for more or less and this is why in my opinion people shouldn't get married before they hit 30 at least.

 

I'm a very different person now than I was in my 20s and I think until you are a well rounded adult you will run the chance that your old relationships don't grow with you.

 

ps: you need to rinse plates before you put them in the dishwasher and make sure the filter is cleaned regularly.

[therhythm]

I think this is very appropriated for this thread.

 

[Els]

I understand what you're saying and can see the differentiation between the two. But where do you draw the line between immutable personality traits and areas for self improvement?

 

For example, when I was growing up, I was quite meek, reserved, conservative, and geeky. But as I got older, I had to make a conscientious effort to "improve" those qualities I was born with. I evolved my personality and sense of self, rather than just accepting who I was.

 

FWIW, I don't think most personality traits are completely immutable. Just because you 'can' change something, though, doesn't necessarily mean that you should, if you are genuinely happy with it.

 

I think the difference between the two is entirely up to the individual, and you're right in that there is a lot of grey area. However, changing a key personality trait that you are happy with, for the sole reason of pleasing a partner, is a surefire recipe for disaster in the long term.

 

There is no man on earth worth giving up my geekiness for. Fortunately, compatible partners appreciate that aspect of me rather than trying to change it.

[Emilia]

FWIW, I don't think most personality traits are completely immutable.

I'm not sure. I think - short of experiencing some kind of trauma - it isn't really possible to do a 180 degree turn. Whatever makes up an introverted personality will not change into extroverted and vice versa.

[therhythm]

I'm not sure. I think - short of experiencing some kind of trauma - it isn't really possible to do a 180 degree turn. Whatever makes up an introverted personality will not change into extroverted and vice versa.

 

I think you are talking about 180 degrees turns but there are changes in a lower degree that can affect the person you are with... Lets say a very confident person is fired and finds out his wife has cheated on him in a short time... you will see how that person who was very confident has become much less confident is a very short period of time. Gens are a very important part of who we are but life experiences are almost as important.