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Should Your Significant Other Deserve the Best From You...?

USMCHokie

By USMCHokie
in General Relationship Discussion

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Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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I wonder this too. How do we really know whether our SO is genuinely happy or just putting on their happy face...? And how do we know whether they wouldn't appreciate more effort from us? Just because they don't say they need it doesn't necessarily mean that they won't appreciate getting it, right...?

You don't know. It's all fluid anyway, you don't live in a controled environment. You can only do your best. I think half the time people don't know exactly what they need anyway, sometimes it's hard to see the wood from the trees.

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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I just realized there are a bunch of tigers in here, and I started to get confused... :confused:

I know! I didn't want to make another off-topic post but TigerCub and LittleTiger have posted right after one another :confused:

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Treasa Established Member

Treasa

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I know! I didn't want to make another off-topic post but TigerCub and LittleTiger have posted right after one another :confused:

 

Also, I'm a Tiger in the eastern zodiac. Does that help? :D

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USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

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Here's a rather silly example that might help illustrate what I'm talking about:

 

Person A is dating Person B. Person A likes to keep a relatively clean house and clean the kitchen at the end of each day. Person B likes to leave dishes in the sink and appliances on the counter over the course of several days until the sink is full before cleaning everything at once. Person A kindly asks that Person B consider cleaning dishes more often.

 

What should Person A and Person B do?

 

(1) Person A should understand that love is unconditional, fully accept Person B's habits, and allow him to continue piling dishes simply because that's the way he is.

 

(2) Person B should consider cleaning dishes more often and perhaps developing better habits, not only because he will improve himself, but also because Person A will appreciate his efforts and see that as a sign of love and devotion.

 

(3) Person A and Person B should break up.

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted
Here's a rather silly example that might help illustrate what I'm talking about:

 

Person A is dating Person B. Person A likes to keep a relatively clean house and clean the kitchen at the end of each day. Person B likes to leave dishes in the sink and appliances on the counter over the course of several days until the sink is full before cleaning everything at once. Person A kindly asks that Person B consider cleaning dishes more often.

 

What should Person A and Person B do?

 

(1) Person A should understand that love is unconditional, fully accept Person B's habits, and allow him to continue piling dishes simply because that's the way he is.

 

(2) Person B should consider cleaning dishes more often and perhaps developing better habits, not only because he will improve himself, but also because Person A will appreciate his efforts and see that as a sign of love and devotion.

 

(3) Person A and Person B should break up.

 

(4) get a dishwasher. I'm serious. Take the conflict out of the equation.

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USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

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(4) get a dishwasher. I'm serious. Take the conflict out of the equation.

 

Person B leaves dishes in the sink or on the counter rather than placing them in the dish washer after each meal. Dishes continue to pile. :laugh:

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Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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Person B leaves dishes in the sink or on the counter rather than placing them in the dish washer after each meal. Dishes continue to pile. :laugh:

Then person B gets a smack on the back of the head because he is taking the piss.

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jphcbpa Established Member

jphcbpa

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Is it fair that one person has to let go of expectations while the other doesn't?

 

 

 

Hmmm, detach? What do you mean by that? Detach from the expectations? Or the relationship itself?

 

Not sure what is fair...all I can do it control my thougths and actions. I am only responsible for myself. She is her own whole, complete person.

 

Detatch from expectations...

 

“Even

After

All this time

The Sun never says to the Earth,

 

"You owe me."

 

Look

What happens

With a love like that,

It lights the whole sky.” - Hafiz

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TigerCub Established Member

TigerCub

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I wonder this too. How do we really know whether our SO is genuinely happy or just putting on their happy face...? And how do we know whether they wouldn't appreciate more effort from us? Just because they don't say they need it doesn't necessarily mean that they won't appreciate getting it, right...?

 

Good question.

 

To find these things out, I tend to ask my SO if they're needing anything if such and such is making them happy or if they need more/less/different...

 

I'm a talker and believe in communicating.

 

And in general, I think we get a vibe from our SO. If they're not happy, usually something feels off and there is distance, etc... and that definitely raises a flag.

 

But even when the times are going good, I tend to talk and ask about things.

 

That doesn't guarantee that I will always know what's missing or if I'm not doing enough - because some people are closed off, and some people prefer to be passive aggressive or just lie to avoid a talk - but for the most part, just talking helps.

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Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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But even when the times are going good, I tend to talk and ask about things.

 

That doesn't guarantee that I will always know what's missing or if I'm not doing enough - because some people are closed off, and some people prefer to be passive aggressive or just lie to avoid a talk - but for the most part, just talking helps.

Yes I ask lots of questions and I pick up on mood changes/etc

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TigerCub Established Member

TigerCub

Posted
Posted (edited)
Here's a rather silly example that might help illustrate what I'm talking about:

 

Person A is dating Person B. Person A likes to keep a relatively clean house and clean the kitchen at the end of each day. Person B likes to leave dishes in the sink and appliances on the counter over the course of several days until the sink is full before cleaning everything at once. Person A kindly asks that Person B consider cleaning dishes more often.

 

What should Person A and Person B do?

 

(1) Person A should understand that love is unconditional, fully accept Person B's habits, and allow him to continue piling dishes simply because that's the way he is.

 

(2) Person B should consider cleaning dishes more often and perhaps developing better habits, not only because he will improve himself, but also because Person A will appreciate his efforts and see that as a sign of love and devotion.

 

(3) Person A and Person B should break up.

 

I think it would come down to reasons:

 

- Why is person A so bothered by the dishes on the counter vs. Why person B loves leaving them there.

 

If Person A's reason would be because having so much clutter and nastiness around makes them feel suffocated.

 

And Person B's response is "I just do it cuz I'm lazy"

 

I think Person A should win the argument, because that scenario really makes them feel bad.

 

So Person B should love person A enough to want to make them comfortable and not feel all suffocated, AND Person A should appreciate that, and still expect that there will be times when Person B doesn't do it right away, or drops the ball here and there, and it shouldn't be the biggest deal....

 

But it is about effort, and intention...

 

so option (2)

 

but if Person A's reason is just "Because that's how I like it so do it my way"

then option (3) is what should be done..

Edited by TigerCub
Treasa Established Member

Treasa

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Reading this page has made me IM Keith and say, "Dude, I love you so much."

 

Thank God this stuff doesn't exist for us. It would make me insane.

Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted
Here's a rather silly example that might help illustrate what I'm talking about:

 

Person A is dating Person B. Person A likes to keep a relatively clean house and clean the kitchen at the end of each day. Person B likes to leave dishes in the sink and appliances on the counter over the course of several days until the sink is full before cleaning everything at once. Person A kindly asks that Person B consider cleaning dishes more often.

 

What should Person A and Person B do?

 

(1) Person A should understand that love is unconditional, fully accept Person B's habits, and allow him to continue piling dishes simply because that's the way he is.

 

(2) Person B should consider cleaning dishes more often and perhaps developing better habits, not only because he will improve himself, but also because Person A will appreciate his efforts and see that as a sign of love and devotion.

 

(3) Person A and Person B should break up.

 

Assuming an external solution isn't possible (dishwasher/housekeeper), compromise? Person B tries to do it more often but Person A understands if Person B misses sometimes.

 

I think most people realize that all relationships involve at least a small degree of compromise. In healthy Rs, both partners want to meet in the middle to help each other out. If there is too much discrepancy to compromise on, there is probably a lot of incompatibility in general, and the question is moot?

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Treasa Established Member

Treasa

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H and I accept and love each other, as we are. Built into our relationship paradigm, we're also curious people who don't allow ourselves to get stagnant. So independent self-starters where partner pressure or neediness, are turn-offs.

 

What tbf said. I have no idea how I missed her post.

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krz12 Established Member

krz12

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Same as with anyone else I suppose.

 

The question is whether they want what's best for you for its own sake, or whether they are trying to feed their own agenda/ego.

Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

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Same as with anyone else I suppose.

 

The question is whether they want what's best for you for its own sake, or whether they are trying to feed their own agenda/ego.

 

This is exactly what I have a problem with. Whenever exs wanted me to change, it was always with their own agenda/ego in mind. That's why I resisted it.

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xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted
Here's a rather silly example that might help illustrate what I'm talking about:

 

Person A is dating Person B. Person A likes to keep a relatively clean house and clean the kitchen at the end of each day. Person B likes to leave dishes in the sink and appliances on the counter over the course of several days until the sink is full before cleaning everything at once. Person A kindly asks that Person B consider cleaning dishes more often.

 

What should Person A and Person B do?

 

(1) Person A should understand that love is unconditional, fully accept Person B's habits, and allow him to continue piling dishes simply because that's the way he is.

 

(2) Person B should consider cleaning dishes more often and perhaps developing better habits, not only because he will improve himself, but also because Person A will appreciate his efforts and see that as a sign of love and devotion.

 

(3) Person A and Person B should break up.

 

As person A, I would downsize the number of dishes available, and load them in the dishwasher myself. They'd never stack up, because there aren't enough dishes available to last more than one day. Person B would obviously need to wash as needed in order to have a clean dish, because the bulk of them were packed away from when company visits.

 

Because I live with kids, and I know how to circumvent a power struggle :)

Reiko Member

Reiko

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Wow good for you guys :bunny::bunny: I like when people can find happiness together :love:

 

Back to the issue - If as you say you guys better yourself for yourselves, why would his hypothetical lack of drive to better himself make you want to tell him to snap out of it - doesn't that imply that a person betters themselves (offers the best) for their partner too?

 

Every situation/couple/individual is different. She would tell me to snap out of it (I'm Keith, btw XD) because she knows that's not my normal state. It means that something is likely wrong and is something for us to work through together. Just because you accept a person for who they are doesn't mean you shouldn't question sudden changes in behavior. Behavior follows thought, whether conscious or unconscious and if your partner is suddenly behaving in a way that is different than what you've come to know or expect, you should definitely be asking why and confronting that.

 

Which does kind of tie in to the main point, I think. You have to be accepting of who your partner is. And by the same token, your partner should be honest about who they are (obviously this goes both ways). That's the unwritten social contract, in my opinion. When you know where you're both coming from, it becomes very easy to figure out if you're compatible or not and easy to spot when something is wrong and should be addressed.

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xxoo Established Member

xxoo

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The most important thing to recognize is that there an infinite number of ways to resolve a conflict. When two people come at a conflict looking at 1.) my way and 2.) your way, successful resolution is far less likely. Those are starting points.... inspiration for 3.) Our way.

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TigerCub Established Member

TigerCub

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Every situation/couple/individual is different. She would tell me to snap out of it (I'm Keith, btw XD) because she knows that's not my normal state. It means that something is likely wrong and is something for us to work through together. Just because you accept a person for who they are doesn't mean you shouldn't question sudden changes in behavior. Behavior follows thought, whether conscious or unconscious and if your partner is suddenly behaving in a way that is different than what you've come to know or expect, you should definitely be asking why and confronting that.

 

Which does kind of tie in to the main point, I think. You have to be accepting of who your partner is. And by the same token, your partner should be honest about who they are (obviously this goes both ways). That's the unwritten social contract, in my opinion. When you know where you're both coming from, it becomes very easy to figure out if you're compatible or not and easy to spot when something is wrong and should be addressed.

 

Agreed, I think people should come as advertised.

Treasa Established Member

Treasa

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Agreed, I think people should come as advertised.

 

I've known Keith since he was 14 or 15 or something. I think 15. Anyway, he really hasn't changed since then. :love:

 

I've mostly just improved.

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tbf Established Member

tbf

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I suppose this is consistent with what Emilia says about finding a compatible person. There is no pressure or neediness of both people are equally motivated.
Yes.

 

If one person works out to improve their physique, there is no pressure on the other to work out since that other person is working out already. But if one naturally works out while the other doesn't, then I can see where pressure can build up.
This type of relationship model makes no sense at all. If you NEED something, why remain with someone who doesn't naturally meet those needs? I use remain since base personality isn't always obvious at the outset.

 

As well, your dishwashing/housekeeping example. Another alternative solution is to get domestic help. That's what H and I have done, since I'm an anal retentive germaphobe when it comes to cleanliness/organization where he's neat and organized enough but not anal.

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dasein Established Member

dasein

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Great thread topic, of course I'm in the latter "Voltaire" camp as opposed to the former "Rousseau" camp, and feel like "accept me the way I am," unless the "way I am" is constantly striving to better myself in every way and be the best partner possible, is the biggest, most overused cliche' and copout among relationship cliches.

hoping2heal Established Member

hoping2heal

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My answer is that I want to be accepted the way that I am. However, because I do love him and I am capable of empathizing with his feelings that makes me want to push myself to always be better. I do that out of care for him but I wouldn't want to feel like I wouldn't be as loved if I didn't. Eventually my personal best is going to decline and I think that's natural, really. You won't always have a young and supple body, nor will you always have a keen and sharp witted mind. You may not always be chock full of energy. I would still want to be loved anyway for who I am rather than my "merits".

jphcbpa Established Member

jphcbpa

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Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves, without any insistence that they satisfy you.

--Dr. Wayne Dyer

 

 

'It's generally a struggle to let a child develop a new skill, particularly if it's not one we share or appreciate. It's even more difficult to watch a spouse or lover travel a new path of learning or recreation when we're not invited to share the trip. Yet assuredly, our love is only as deep and real as it is honestly supportive of others spreading their wings to discover their own directions and personal joy.

 

What is right for us will never be lost or taken, and that which departs, be it friend or lover, is only making way for our own next plane of growth. We must not fear letting our loved ones experience new and separate challenges. Instead, let's rejoice in the knowledge that we each have a particular calling, a unique destiny that has brought us together and will keep us together for just as long as "the big plan" calls for.

 

We can't keep someone's love for us when we've made them prisoners in ourhomes and hearts "

Edited by jphcbpa
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