Jump to content

Should Your Significant Other Deserve the Best From You...?

USMCHokie

By USMCHokie
in General Relationship Discussion

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

jphcbpa Established Member

jphcbpa

Posted
Posted

I love my SO just the way she is, not for how she makes me feel. I support her right where she is and want her to be happy. I cannot control or change her, nor do I have the energy or power to.

 

The work I do on myself, I do for myself. I do it because I love me and want to be the best man I can be. The by-product of that is, I can become a better father, friend, worker, partner ect.

 

The more I focus on me and my growth the better all my relationships become.

 

I am responsible to get loved interdependently so I have something to bring to my relationship. Otherwise I become a needy and suck the relationship dry.

Treasa Established Member

Treasa

Posted
Posted
Right. It may just be an argument in semantics, but what I'm suggesting is that you do do it for yourself and not the other person. You improve yourself because it makes you feel good that you are offering your SO the best you can be, i.e., because you want the best for them.

 

Yes, we each do it for ourselves. I don't do it because I'm offering my SO the best I can be. I do it so that I can offer myself the best I can be. Same with him. But we encourage each other. Honestly, he's seen me at my very worst and at my very beast, and his love has unwavered. Same for me.

  • Like 1
TigerCub Established Member

TigerCub

Posted
Posted
Yes, we each do it for ourselves. I don't do it because I'm offering my SO the best I can be. I do it so that I can offer myself the best I can be. Same with him. But we encourage each other. Honestly, he's seen me at my very worst and at my very beast, and his love has unwavered. Same for me.

 

But if one day he woke up and realized "Whatever, I'm too tired of doing x,y,z and I'm not gonna put in so much effort on these things, I'm sick of working so hard"

 

and he just lets himself go (in a lot of aspects) - would you still want to be with him? Would you respect him?

 

Would you just think "well he always did those things for himself, so it shouldn't have any bearing whatsoever on our relationship" and be totally fine with that?

 

Or would you think "Damn...what just happened?! I'm not liking this so much"

Treasa Established Member

Treasa

Posted
Posted
But if one day he woke up and realized "Whatever, I'm too tired of doing x,y,z and I'm not gonna put in so much effort on these things, I'm sick of working so hard"

 

and he just lets himself go (in a lot of aspects) - would you still want to be with him? Would you respect him?

 

Would you just think "well he always did those things for himself, so it shouldn't have any bearing whatsoever on our relationship" and be totally fine with that?

 

Or would you think "Damn...what just happened?! I'm not liking this so much"

 

You would really have to know Keith. He's been the way he is his entire life. Some things I motivate him to do, and other things he motivates me to do, but we don't do them for each other.

 

I'm not worried one bit about it. There are some things that are just constants in life. Not many, but some. My mom, my grandma, and Keith. I have those three pretty well figured out. :laugh:

  • Author
USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

Posted
  • Author
Posted

The work I do on myself, I do for myself. I do it because I love me and want to be the best man I can be. The by-product of that is, I can become a better father, friend, worker, partner ect.

 

Do you expect and receive this same mentality from your SO?

 

I am responsible to get loved interdependently so I have something to bring to my relationship. Otherwise I become a needy and suck the relationship dry.

 

Do you expect that your SO will bring just as much as you do to the relationship?

Treasa Established Member

Treasa

Posted
Posted
But if one day he woke up and realized "Whatever, I'm too tired of doing x,y,z and I'm not gonna put in so much effort on these things, I'm sick of working so hard"

 

 

Oh, in the unlikely event that would ever happen, I'd tell him to get his head out of his ass and snap out of his funk.

 

And then he'd be fine again.

 

Ask me this again in 16 more years. ;) That's how long he and I have essentially been together.

TigerCub Established Member

TigerCub

Posted
Posted
You would really have to know Keith. He's been the way he is his entire life. Some things I motivate him to do, and other things he motivates me to do, but we don't do them for each other.

 

I'm not worried one bit about it. There are some things that are just constants in life. Not many, but some. My mom, my grandma, and Keith. I have those three pretty well figured out. :laugh:

 

 

It was a hypothetical question........

sweetkiwi Established Member

sweetkiwi

Posted
Posted

I want someone who loves me for my core being, and understands that over the years people change. I try and force change along in ways I see as good, while maybe he may not particularly agree.

  • Like 1
TigerCub Established Member

TigerCub

Posted
Posted
Oh, in the unlikely event that would ever happen, I'd tell him to get his head out of his ass and snap out of his funk.

 

And then he'd be fine again.

 

Ask me this again in 16 more years. ;) That's how long he and I have essentially been together.

 

Wow good for you guys :bunny::bunny: I like when people can find happiness together :love:

 

Back to the issue - If as you say you guys better yourself for yourselves, why would his hypothetical lack of drive to better himself make you want to tell him to snap out of it - doesn't that imply that a person betters themselves (offers the best) for their partner too?

  • Like 1
Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted

Reading the thread makes me think I do things for my SO rather than just strictly for myself. It's not necessarily that I would get complacent as it doesn't happen when I'm single but I definitely strive to do things that work for him. I try to pick a compatible person in the first place though so I suppose that's where my control comes into it.

Treasa Established Member

Treasa

Posted
Posted
It was a hypothetical question........

 

Yep, and hypothetically I would tell him to get his head out of his ass. :p

  • Author
USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Reading the thread makes me think I do things for my SO rather than just strictly for myself. It's not necessarily that I would get complacent as it doesn't happen when I'm single but I definitely strive to do things that work for him. I try to pick a compatible person in the first place though so I suppose that's where my control comes into it.

 

I think a lot of us actually do a lot of things motivated by our desire to please another. It could be linked to the acts of service love language, and I think there is a loose relationship between that language and the desire to do something for your SO, e.g., improve yourself.

 

And when you're in a relationship, you're more likely to make personal concessions in the name of compromise. Again, not for yourself, but for the other person and for the relationship.

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted

And when you're in a relationship, you're more likely to make personal concessions in the name of compromise. Again, not for yourself, but for the other person and for the relationship.

Sort of. To me compromise depends on what I get in return and whether it affects my self esteem.

jphcbpa Established Member

jphcbpa

Posted
Posted
Do you expect and receive this same mentality from your SO?

 

 

 

Do you expect that your SO will bring just as much as you do to the relationship?

 

Frankly, she does not do the work on herself that I have done and continue to do. She naturally does it and truly has the most amazing loving heart I have ever been around.

 

I want her to do what makes her happy. I want her to be as big as she wants to be. I have to let go of "expecting" things from her and just keep the focus on me. I have learned to detach with love.

Treasa Established Member

Treasa

Posted
Posted
Wow good for you guys :bunny::bunny: I like when people can find happiness together :love:

 

Back to the issue - If as you say you guys better yourself for yourselves, why would his hypothetical lack of drive to better himself make you want to tell him to snap out of it - doesn't that imply that a person betters themselves (offers the best) for their partner too?

 

Because it's not who Keith is. He's as driven as I am, just in different ways. We complement each other well that way.

 

And then in every other way we are ridiculously alike.

 

I would tell him to get his head out of his ass because I knew if he said that, that would mean he's not happy with his life, and I want him to be happy with his life.

 

It's hard to explain. Our relationship is so not normal, but it works so well for us.

  • Author
USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Frankly, she does not do the work on herself that I have done and continue to do. She naturally does it and truly has the most amazing loving heart I have ever been around.

 

I want her to do what makes her happy. I want her to be as big as she wants to be. I have to let go of "expecting" things from her and just keep the focus on me.

 

Is it fair that one person has to let go of expectations while the other doesn't?

 

I have learned to detach with love.

 

Hmmm, detach? What do you mean by that? Detach from the expectations? Or the relationship itself?

TigerCub Established Member

TigerCub

Posted
Posted

... removed

  • Like 1
  • Author
USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Sort of. To me compromise depends on what I get in return and whether it affects my self esteem.

 

Some people seem to be happy getting nothing "in return"... :confused:

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted
Some people seem to be happy getting nothing "in return"... :confused:

It probably depends on your definition of nothing. Perhaps companionship is enough or perhaps they hope you'll change your mind or they put your needs before theirs. It makes me sad :(

  • Like 1
Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted
... removed

best post in the thread ;)

  • Like 1
TigerCub Established Member

TigerCub

Posted
Posted
best post in the thread ;)

 

Haha, I was wondering why you 'liked it'

Yeah - I do these things for you Emilia ;)

  • Like 1
TigerCub Established Member

TigerCub

Posted
Posted
Some people seem to be happy getting nothing "in return"... :confused:

 

It probably depends on your definition of nothing. Perhaps companionship is enough or perhaps they hope you'll change your mind or they put your needs before theirs. It makes me sad :(

 

That's what I was thinking.

We don't know what people really feel, just because they seem to be happy or content.

 

I think people can be unhappy and just put on a brave/happy face.

 

A lot of people settle for less than what they want because they don't think they deserve better.

LittleTiger Established Member

LittleTiger

Posted
Posted
So do you feel the inverse is true? That is, those who are content being mediocre and maintaining the status quo do not have high self-esteem?

 

It's human nature to take care of the things we value the most, and that includes ourselves. When someone has high self esteem they seek the best for themselves in the same way that they would their own child, for example. There are certain things that most of us know will give us, and our children, the best chance at the best kind of life - love, security, stability, good quality food, fresh air, exercise, self-confidence, freedom of choice, a decent education etc etc. That's what the vast majority of people aim for when they hold themselves in high regard.

 

In addition to the basics though, there are hundreds of other value systems, which we choose based on our experiences and beliefs. One person may value financial success above all else, another may value health and physical fitness, another taking care of others or the planet.

 

It's not for us, as individuals to say what anybody else's values should be. So when it comes to romantic partnerships, it's all about compatibility. If you're a high flyer who thinks that 'becoming the best you that you can be' means $10 million in the bank, plus a Ferrari, a 10 bedroomed house and a holiday home in the Seychelles before you hit 30, it's quite likely that your view of 'mediocre' is someone who only has $1 million in the bank, a one-bed holiday apartment on the coast, a 4 bedroomed house and a Ford parked in the driveway.

 

At a different extreme you might have someone who has a modest income and a small but comfortable home, who spends 90% of their spare time helping out at animal charities or working in a nature reserve.....or someone else who values being fit and healthy above everything else and they focus their energies on creating nutritious meals and maximising their physical and mental potential through exercise and the outdoors.

 

So, I think what matters is that someone is being true to themselves and their values - the goals they set are their own goals based on their own personal passions. If you love someone, then you want them to achieve whatever it is that will make them feel fulfilled. The more closely their value system matches yours, the more likely it is that you will both feel you are giving equally and getting the best of each other.

  • Like 2
  • Author
USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

Posted
  • Author
Posted
That's what I was thinking.

We don't know what people really feel, just because they seem to be happy or content.

 

I think people can be unhappy and just put on a brave/happy face.

 

A lot of people settle for less than what they want because they don't think they deserve better.

 

I wonder this too. How do we really know whether our SO is genuinely happy or just putting on their happy face...? And how do we know whether they wouldn't appreciate more effort from us? Just because they don't say they need it doesn't necessarily mean that they won't appreciate getting it, right...?

  • Author
USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I just realized there are a bunch of tigers in here, and I started to get confused... :confused:

  • Like 3
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...