Should Your Significant Other Deserve the Best From You...?

[Emilia]

My ex tried to change me endlessly-from little things to what I drank, to my personality from being quiet (I was always quiet when I met him so he knew before getting involved with me) to being loud. He said it was about improving me, and making me better, but it ended up being destructive on me. It left me thinking that "me" was not good enough. If he'd wanted an extrovert, he should have chosen an extrovert instead of an introvert.

I can certainly relate to this. My ex was constantly trying to take the 'edge off' my personality and disapproved of how I handled things, including the time when I had to deal with a guy who was trying to intimidate me physically and I stood up for myself instead of running off to call help. Apparently that's not what you do as a woman or as a non-judgemental peaceful person.

 

Doesn't matter who is right or wrong, it feels like being treated as a child and is incredibly patronising.

[Eternal Sunshine]

My ex tried to change me endlessly-from little things to what I drank, to my personality from being quiet (I was always quiet when I met him so he knew before getting involved with me) to being loud. He said it was about improving me, and making me better, but it ended up being destructive on me. It left me thinking that "me" was not good enough. If he'd wanted an extrovert, he should have chosen an extrovert instead of an introvert.

 

My ex tried to do that too. He tried to get me to enjoy going to parties few times a week (I prefer hanging out at home) and then I did it; he would complain if I didn't talk enough. He tried to get me to change my hair color. He tried to change what I eat and read. He tried to get me to go to bed and wake up at the same time as him.

 

Obviously, those are the differences I noticed too, yet I never tried to change him to suit me. I just wanted some acceptance in return.

 

I don't think I will have much patience for anyone that tries to alter me in the future.

[Star Gazer]

Castle, you are a fantastic example of what I'm talking about. You are clearly a sexual "striver." You are constantly researching and improving your sexual abilities to be the best lover you can be for the girl. Now do you expect a girl to be just as enthusiastic about learning about sex as you? Or should the duty fall on you to accept her abilities as they are and expect nothing more?

 

Why does it have to be so black and white, this or that, either/or?

[Emilia]

Obviously, those are the differences I noticed too, yet I never tried to change him to suit me. I just wanted some acceptance in return.

 

I don't think I will have much patience for anyone that tries to alter me in the future.

My ex kept telling me I was too judgemental and I told him when I dumped him how funny it was that I was more accepting of him as a person yet he constantly tried to change me. The irony!

[xxoo]

I feel I should give my partner MY best, which is different from THE best.

 

But the best is subjective. Choosing a partner who shares priorities will affect perception. For example, if my partner work 80 hours a week in effort to be his best career self, I'd hate that.

[TigerCub]

That's an interesting question Hokie.

 

I do think that people owe it to their partners and themselves to always try to better themselves and give their best.

 

But a partner should be supportive and love their SO as they are.

 

So, I think it comes down to realistic expectations.

- Pick people with the traits you like and want

- People should come as advertised and not just put on a front until the wedding or until the baby or any other big commitment and then completely change and flip.

- But also, when I mention realistic expectations, people need to understand that with time, people get sick, with age people don't like the same, with a bad economy people can lose their job, etc....

and that's when it's on the SO to support and love their other half, I think, as long as their partner still maintains the essence of what they had and still keep trying to be the best they can be for themselves and their partner.

[USMCHokie]

I do think that people owe it to their partners and themselves to always try to better themselves and give their best.

 

But a partner should be supportive and love their SO as they are.

 

Which is the crux of my question...where do you find this balance...?

 

So, I think it comes down to realistic expectations.

 

If you have high expectations for yourself, does it necessarily translate to high expectations for others...?

[Weezy1973]

Also the world is a shade of gray. There are strivers and non-strivers, but most people are somewhat in the middle. I dated a woman for a month or so that was a very high achiever and extremely motivated to grow (She has a PhD and an MBA, has published a textbook, teaches, and has a 'real job' in healthcare on top of it - as well as volunteering for multiple charities and maintaining a regular blog). It didn't take me long to realize she would be a terrible match for me.

 

Also, the one thing I believe you can ask of your partner is to constantly try to improve themselves in being a partner in the relationship. If you are both striving to improve the relationship, and that in itself is a goal, it would be a lot tougher for the relationship to fail.

 

People sometimes get caught up in their own personal goals and then want the relationship to be easy. I mean we all only have so much time and energy to give. Relationships take work. I would way rather be with someone that is "mediocre" in their personal lives, but willing to work on a relationship than someone who is very accomplished or a striver in their personal lives, but neglects the relationship. Not that those are necessarily mutually exclusive.

[Emilia]

I would way rather be with someone that is "mediocre" in their personal lives, but willing to work on a relationship than someone who is very accomplished or a striver in their personal lives, but neglects the relationship. Not that those are necessarily mutually exclusive.

 

I've found with non-strivers though - and this is just my personal experience - that they tried to hold me back. I mean the small things. I think non-striving can sometimes be a result of a certain passive-aggressive outlook on life.

[TigerCub]

Which is the crux of my question...where do you find this balance...?

 

I think it is by being realistic

 

For example - If I wanted a man with a lot of great qualities but to also be athletic and run marathons, fine, I find one that fits that description - but say 10 years down the line he gets injured - I'd have to be realistic about how these things happen in life and if he still has the essence of what drew me to him as a person, (now minus the running marathons) I would still love him and I would stand by him.

 

That's, to me, how I think a balance is found.

I can go for my 'wish list' and I should (instead of finding someone that doesn't fit 1/2 of what I want and hoping to change them )- BUT I would also be realistic in knowing that in time, nothing stays 100% the same, so if my partner still has most of what drew me to him and still tries and gives me his best - then my part in doing my best towards him would include being there and loving him when circumstances take certain things away.

 

I think it comes down to intention, if my partner still tries to put in effort, then I'm happy. I wouldn't be happy if I was putting in effort and they weren't.

 

So, it's about putting in effort and being realistic.

And that will vary from person to person.

 

 

If you have high expectations for yourself, does it necessarily translate to high expectations for others...?

Yes, I think so.

I think it comes down to the mentality of "well, I put in 100%, why can't you?"

 

And that's where it becomes clear that people should pick their SO with the qualities that they really admire and want in a partner.

 

Otherwise, I think it would lead to resentment over time.

Edited July 22, 2013 by TigerCub

[USMCHokie]

So, it's about putting in effort and being realistic.

And that will vary from person to person.

 

So for you, the effort is more important than the result? That makes sense, and I would be inclined to agree with you there.

 

Yes, I think so.

I think it comes down to the mentality of "well, I put in 100%, why can't you?"

 

....

 

Otherwise, I think it would lead to resentment over time.

 

I would agree with this one too. It almost seems "unfair" to the striver that she is giving her man a "high-quality product" while he simply receives without giving a "high-quality product" back.

[Emilia]

For example - If I wanted a man with a lot of great qualities but to also be athletic and run marathons, fine, I find one that fits that description - but say 10 years down the line he gets injured - I'd have to be realistic about how these things happen in life and if he still has the essence of what drew me to him as a person, (now minus the running marathons) I would still love him and I would stand by him.

I think a person that determined would always find something. Even if he couldn't run marathons anymore, he probably wouldn't go to seed beyond natural expectations (like aging). Running marathons can mean that the person is:

pros

- Competitive

- Is prepared to put a lot of work in long term

- Is able to deal with set backs

- Resilient

 

cons

- Competitive

- Might value 'alone time' too much

- Isn't a team player

- Addictive personality

 

The above are just very randomly pulled out of a hat but someone's aspirations say a lot about them, you just need to look beyond to find the real reasons.

[TigerCub]

So for you, the effort is more important than the result? That makes sense, and I would be inclined to agree with you there.

 

Yeah effort and intention are what's important here.

A great result would be good, but I think it speaks volumes when an SO tries really hard and puts in a lot of work just to offer the best they can to their partner.

 

 

I would agree with this one too. It almost seems "unfair" to the striver that she is giving her man a "high-quality product" while he simply receives without giving a "high-quality product" back.

 

Exactly!!

I've felt that resentment before, and it sucks.

Whenever 1 partner puts in way more than they are getting back, it leads to resentment and often to the end of that relationship.

 

Because the one that's not trying, sends the message of 'you're not worth my effort - but I'll take what you're giving'

[Emilia]

Whenever 1 partner puts in way more than they are getting back, it leads to resentment and often to the end of that relationship.

 

Because the one that's not trying, sends the message of 'you're not worth my effort - but I'll take what you're giving'

It's also about sheer boredom in the end I think.

[TigerCub]

It's also about sheer boredom in the end I think.

 

You mean the one that's not trying is (not doing so) out of boredom?

[Emilia]

You mean the one that's not trying is (not doing so) out of boredom?

I meant getting bored as a result of being in a relationship with someone who isn't trying.

[USMCHokie]

It's also about sheer boredom in the end I think.

 

Boredom for who...?

[USMCHokie]

I meant getting bored as a result of being in a relationship with someone who isn't trying.

 

And do you think that leads to temptations to stray...?

[Emilia]

Boredom for who...?

See above for the person who needs progression and growth.

[TigerCub]

I meant getting bored as a result of being in a relationship with someone who isn't trying.

 

I guess....

Funny thing, when I was in that situation, I didn't feel bored with him (for not trying), I felt fed up and insulted and hurt.

hmmmm, maybe bored gets thrown in there before getting to the stages I mentioned above... Will need to think on that.

 

Thanks Emilia

[Treasa]

My SO and I are pretty damn banging already, so it's nice that we don't have to try around each other at all. Everything is very natural and low-key and without drama or expectation.

 

It's not that we don't nudge each other in our goals, but we don't accomplish things for each other, but rather for ourselves.

[Emilia]

And do you think that leads to temptations to stray...?

It can do and it will come down to values in the end.

 

Do you 'use' the person you are with until you find someone better or just to cheat on them from time to time when you see a pretty girl - or do you go on your own way and find someone taking the chance that you won't get laid for a while.

 

People respond to this differently. I'd say the path you choose will relate to your ability to feel compassion for the person.

[Emilia]

I guess....

Funny thing, when I was in that situation, I didn't feel bored with him (for not trying), I felt fed up and insulted and hurt.

hmmmm, maybe bored gets thrown in there before getting to the stages I mentioned above... Will need to think on that.

 

Thanks Emilia

haha no probs

 

I think it's about taking something two ways - and that probably relates to your partner's personality: some people will make you feel insulted others will make you feel bored, I've experienced both. The 'nicer' person didn't make me feel insulted.

[CrazyConcept]

....or should your significant other accept you just the way you are?

 

I see two polar viewpoints to this...first, and probably the more popular belief, is that if someone genuinely loved you, they would love and accept you just the way you are. On the other hand, if you genuinely loved someone else, wouldn't you want them to get the best you have to offer?

 

Do you feel there is any sort of unwritten motivation, incentive, or even "obligation" to be the best person you can be for your partner? Or does the obligation fall on your partner to accept you just the way you are and expect nothing more?

 

Of course a balance of the two is probably the right answer, but I feel like the two ideas run counter to each other. If you feel your partner should be happy how you are, then there is no incentive to improve for them, whether it's maintaining or improving physical appearance, becoming more well-read or educated, advancing your career, learning new skills or hobbies, etc.

 

Are your expectations from your significant other different from your expectations of yourself?

 

I think there is no obligation to be the best for the partner, but it goes both ways and partner doesn't have to accept treatment they consider sub-par.

[USMCHokie]

It's not that we don't nudge each other in our goals, but we don't accomplish things for each other, but rather for ourselves.

 

Right. It may just be an argument in semantics, but what I'm suggesting is that you do do it for yourself and not the other person. You improve yourself because it makes you feel good that you are offering your SO the best you can be, i.e., because you want the best for them.