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Should Your Significant Other Deserve the Best From You...?

USMCHokie

By USMCHokie
in General Relationship Discussion

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USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

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....or should your significant other accept you just the way you are?

 

I see two polar viewpoints to this...first, and probably the more popular belief, is that if someone genuinely loved you, they would love and accept you just the way you are. On the other hand, if you genuinely loved someone else, wouldn't you want them to get the best you have to offer?

 

Do you feel there is any sort of unwritten motivation, incentive, or even "obligation" to be the best person you can be for your partner? Or does the obligation fall on your partner to accept you just the way you are and expect nothing more?

 

Of course a balance of the two is probably the right answer, but I feel like the two ideas run counter to each other. If you feel your partner should be happy how you are, then there is no incentive to improve for them, whether it's maintaining or improving physical appearance, becoming more well-read or educated, advancing your career, learning new skills or hobbies, etc.

 

Are your expectations from your significant other different from your expectations of yourself?

Edited by USMCHokie
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Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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....or should your significant other accept you just the way you are?

He should accept me who I am. However, he should pick the person he wants to be with at least partly on personality traits: ie if he wants someone who strives to better themselves, he should pick a woman who is that way. Rather than continuously put pressure on a non-striver (for want of a better word) to change.

 

To demonstrate with the other side of the coin: the last man I went out with didn't want a striver and that's why we clashed. You seem to like the idea of being with someone who is growing continuously and you seem to view this as the ideal. However, not everyone is like that. That guy certainly wasn't and he irritated me after a month with his constant efforts to try to shut me down.

 

Horses for courses. People should pick who works for them long term rather than try to control the person and mold them.

 

My expectations for my other half are the same as for myself. Hence the clash with the guy I mentioned. Not that he was lazy by any means.

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MrCastle Established Member

MrCastle

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Like most things, it's a grey area.

 

Your partner should bring the best out of you and vice versa. Together as a team, you motivate each other to be the best person you can be. But sometimes, there will be set backs.

 

There will be moments of failure. Moments where you're sad, or angry, and far from "your best."

 

It is in those moments especially that you need a strong partner with you.

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USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

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Like most things, it's a grey area.

 

Castle, you are a fantastic example of what I'm talking about. You are clearly a sexual "striver." You are constantly researching and improving your sexual abilities to be the best lover you can be for the girl. Now do you expect a girl to be just as enthusiastic about learning about sex as you? Or should the duty fall on you to accept her abilities as they are and expect nothing more?

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sillyanswer Established Member

sillyanswer

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My SO should naturally bring out the best in me (without even trying).

 

/thread

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tbf Established Member

tbf

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H and I accept and love each other, as we are. Built into our relationship paradigm, we're also curious people who don't allow ourselves to get stagnant. So independent self-starters where partner pressure or neediness, are turn-offs.

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MrCastle Established Member

MrCastle

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Castle, you are a fantastic example of what I'm talking about. You are clearly a sexual "striver." You are constantly researching and improving your sexual abilities to be the best lover you can be for the girl. Now do you expect a girl to be just as enthusiastic about learning about sex as you? Or should the duty fall on you to accept her abilities as they are and expect nothing more?

 

Wow. That's a damn good question. And I like the phrase "sexual striver". For those reading at home, I wouldn't hate it if you guys started calling me that.

 

Alright. Hmm.

 

Well, the joy I get is pleasing a woman and making her feel things she didn't know were possible. That's where I get my sexual satisfaction. So, I guess, as long as she is open and willing to let me try different things with her, that's all I'd need.

 

However, I would prefer a girl who had a bag of tricks of her own. Who came up to me and said "I was reading about these new cowgirl moves in cosmo...wanted to try them out."

 

Of course I would prefer a woman who was as sexually giving and willing to learn/please her partner as I am. That would be the ultimate. That would be the dream.

 

So to bring it back to the main question, I guess that would put me in the expect the best from your partner category?

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Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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My SO should naturally bring out the best in me (without even trying).

 

/thread

That's a bit optimistic, isn't it? I don't know many things in life that can be obtained long term without effort.

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sillyanswer Established Member

sillyanswer

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That's a bit optimistic, isn't it? I don't know many things in life that can be obtained long term without effort.

 

Aww, don't spoil my mood! I thought this was a great sappy romantic thread and I like being optimistic. :D

 

Anyway, no, my SO will be able to do this because I'll choose her very carefully and she will be awesome. :p

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USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

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Horses for courses. People should pick who works for them long term rather than try to control the person and mold them.

 

My expectations for my other half are the same as for myself. Hence the clash with the guy I mentioned. Not that he was lazy by any means.

 

Hmmm, interesting. I guess we project our own values and feelings onto everyone else and assume everyone thinks like we do...

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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Hmmm, interesting. I guess we project our own values and feelings onto everyone else and assume everyone thinks like we do...

I don't. In the particular case I mentioned I made a mistake of picking someone who I knew was different from me but I thought would compliment me long term. It's good to relax sometimes and I thought I'd pick someone who was more easy-going. However he was more concerned with sticking at being mediocre and not rocking the boat as opposed to being laid back. I didn't pick up on that initially.

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USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

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My SO should naturally bring out the best in me (without even trying).

 

So you are motivated by your SO to be your best?

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USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

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However he was more concerned with sticking at being mediocre and not rocking the boat as opposed to being laid back. I didn't pick up on that initially.

 

Do you think it's harder for the mediocre person to deal with the striver or the striver to deal with the mediocre person...?

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sillyanswer Established Member

sillyanswer

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So you are motivated by your SO to be your best?

 

I guess so. :)

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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Do you think it's harder for the mediocre person to deal with the striver or the striver to deal with the mediocre person...?

I'd say it's harder for the more self-aware person, as pretty much with anything else in life.

 

If your values clash (because this is what it's about really), it's harder for the person who is more introspective because they will search for the reasons for the incompability. This is my general rule without looking at individuals closely.

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USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

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H and I accept and love each other, as we are. Built into our relationship paradigm, we're also curious people who don't allow ourselves to get stagnant. So independent self-starters where partner pressure or neediness, are turn-offs.

 

I suppose this is consistent with what Emilia says about finding a compatible person. There is no pressure or neediness of both people are equally motivated. If one person works out to improve their physique, there is no pressure on the other to work out since that other person is working out already. But if one naturally works out while the other doesn't, then I can see where pressure can build up.

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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But if one naturally works out while the other doesn't, then I can see where pressure can build up.

Only if the person who doesn't work out cares and notices the pressure in the first place.

LittleTiger Established Member

LittleTiger

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I don't think it's a question of 'should'.

 

I think when you love someone you are very motivated to be the best person you can be - for them and for your relationship.

 

To me, if you have high self-esteem, you will also be motivated to be the best person you can be - for yourself.

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Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

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I am always motivated to be the best I can be, single or in a relationship. If I am in a good relationship and happy, the motivation probably goes up a notch.

 

This happens naturally. If I was with someone that ASKED me to improve myself for them; I would be pissed and resent them. It would have the opposite effect. So yeah, he should accept me as I am during the time we meet/get to know each other; which includes my own level of desire for self improvement. Ironically, the less he demands of me, the more I will give.

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USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

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I don't think it's a question of 'should'.

 

I think when you love someone you are very motivated to be the best person you can be - for them and for your relationship.

 

To me, if you have high self-esteem, you will also be motivated to be the best person you can be - for yourself.

 

So do you feel the inverse is true? That is, those who are content being mediocre and maintaining the status quo do not have high self-esteem?

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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So do you feel the inverse is true? That is, those who are content being mediocre and maintaining the status quo do not have high self-esteem?

I think they sometimes don't understand the long term consequences of it for the person for whom it's not enough. Sometimes people are just content and they are happy but they should choose a suitable partner in crime who is similar.

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USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

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I think they sometimes don't understand the long term consequences of it for the person for whom it's not enough. Sometimes people are just content and they are happy but they should choose a suitable partner in crime who is similar.

 

So how do you know if someone shares your views on life? Do you come straight out and ask them? This seems like such an abstract notion...

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USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

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I think the thing that always baffles me is the people who get into "project relationships." The man/woman they date doesn't quite meet their expectations, but rather than moving along and finding someone that does, they stick around and try and alter that person.

 

I can see this in myself...

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Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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So how do you know if someone shares your views on life? Do you come straight out and ask them? This seems like such an abstract notion...

Not at all, I find it easy nowdays. It takes me half an hour :laugh:

 

I'm very direct however and ask very direct questions. I can tell from their career development (whether they work to live or whether they strive to do something they enjoy or find stimulating), whether they are reasonably fit, whether they have their own mind or just have sheep mentality and watch stupid reality shows, whether they are capable of independent thought and free thinking, whether they are self-aware and introspective. That pretty much tells me what I need to know and I lose interest about hmmmm 80-90% of the time :laugh:

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Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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I can see this in myself...

I think it's relative inexperience if you don't mind my saying so. You have to learn these things through experience like the rest of us.

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