Is this relationship unhealthy?

[blutoj]

I need help. And I feel like the only way I can get an honest, clear opinion is to ask random people I don’t know on the internet, because your opinion will be much more objective, straightforward, and reliable than my own. Also, I have literally no one else to talk to.

Okay. I’ve been with this guy for about ten months now. I know, that’s not a lot of time. But before we were together, we were really good friends for years. I am a sophomore in college ], and so is he. Now, I really love this guy. Call me crazy, but I do. I just can’t seem to get a grasp on what the problem with our dynamic is. I’m unhappy. A lot. But I always feel like it’s my fault. I feel like he’s got me wrapped up in sick mind games. And I don’t know if he is really playing games with me, or if it is really my problem.

I think I should first start off by stating one of the main problems, I think, of our relationship. This boy is Muslim. As in, born and raised in the middle east, very traditional Muslim. He prays five times a day, and had sworn himself to God to stay pure and good. Until he met me, apparently. I was the first girl he ever kissed, and gave his virginity to. He said it was because I captured his heart, and was so beautiful, smart and wonderful that he couldn’t resist. I try to be a good girlfriend. I call him when I can, and if not, I text him.

Here’s the thing. Whenever I think we’re in a good place, or that we’re happy. He says something or does something that makes me completely re think our relationship. Okay, so earlier. We were texting, about religion. He then says out of the blue that he can never have a conversation with me, and that talking to me is like talking to a brick wall. I asked him how, and he said that I am never there for him. He keeps bringing this up, and I have no idea what he wants. I am there. As much as I can be. I work a lot. So I don’t see him often. But he keeps saying that I don’t treat him like a loving girlfriend. We take a class together. I help him with his homework. We talk on the phone almost every night. How is that not being there?

And he is no one to talk. So many times before he’s treated me like ****, with no reason whatsoever. He can be so mean. One time, we had made plans to hang out. Somehow, they fell apart because we both got busy or something. He called that night, livid that I didn’t bug him enough to see him. So we decided to hang out the next day. I called him in the morning. Then an hour later. Figuring that he was asleep, I called and called. He sent me a text telling me to **** off and to forget anything ever happened between us. I didn’t hear from him for three days. One time out of the blue, he texted me that I’m a whore, a slut and a bitch. I call him in tears to confront him, he tells me he’s joking and that I deserved it because I mock him whenever he tells me his problems. Like, I did that once. He was complaining that he was tired from working all day. I said, “poor baby.” Because I had been working hard that day too.

And so many times he’s changed his mind about being with me because of his “religion dilemma.” About three months in he broke up with me, because this relationship went against all that he stood for as an upstanding Muslim. Three days later he calls saying he misses me. Another time, two months ago, he broke up with me again, right before my graduation recital (I’m a cellist), saying that this relationship was wrong. We were broken up a whole week. He called every night and lamented to me about how much he loved and missed me. We hung out one day, he kissed me, and said he could not be without me, that I was all he wanted in the world.

Now we’re at tonight, where I’m writing up this post after midnight. We were texting earlier, and talking about religion. He said that in the Quran it states that a muslim man is better off marrying a muslim slave girl than a non-muslim free girl. This offended me, so I responded, “so what?” He then called me an infidel. I asked him why he has such horrible mood swings and why he’s always taking it out on me. He then responds, with the classic, “because you are never there for me. You’re supposed to be the one who comforts me, but you are too busy for that.” I then said I was going to call him to actually discuss this. He answered, said he was at the mosque, and that he didn’t have time for me.

I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking he’s an *******. But the way he explains things, he makes me feel like he’s perfect, and that I’m the root of every problem. After all, he’s risking a lot being with me. His father is an Islamic priest. Whenever I call to confront a problem, he explains it to where in the end, I think, “huh. He’s right. It is my fault. I deserve this.”

I know from the outside, this probably sounds crazy. And deep down I know it probably is too. But I’m so invested and in love that I can’t see past the needs of my heart. I know I shouldn’t be with him. I know he’s probably bad for me, but I love him. Because when we have great moments, they really are great. He truly is my best friend. Hell, my only friend. I’m really shy, and really guarded. I let my guard down with him.

I guess what I want to know here is that I’m not crazy. I need someone to tell me that I am not at fault here. Or maybe that I am. Maybe I’m expecting too much from him and that I’m acting like some priss princess or something. I don’t know. Thanks to all that reply!!

[Similar]

When you're ready you will leave this... it's not healthy. He is just blaming you and showing disrespect. Work on yourself, focus on the bad aspects of him and the relationship and in time you will step out of this.

It's not easy to make new friends, but if you managed to make one you can make another

[forgetmenot75]

Yes, he seems to be a psycho.

[New User]

Run. Psycho is a kind description for this guy. What you're seeing now will likely get worse as the relationship progresses. He knows how to push your buttons and get you to doubt yourself- this is not something you do to someone you care about. What happened to your friends? Did they disappear as your relationship progressed? Did he make an effort to isolate you? This is abusive behavior you're describing. Abusive personalities don't change.

[hoping2heal]

I need help. And I feel like the only way I can get an honest, clear opinion is to ask random people I don’t know on the internet, because your opinion will be much more objective, straightforward, and reliable than my own. Also, I have literally no one else to talk to.

Okay. I’ve been with this guy for about ten months now. I know, that’s not a lot of time. But before we were together, we were really good friends for years. I am a sophomore in college ], and so is he. Now, I really love this guy. Call me crazy, but I do. I just can’t seem to get a grasp on what the problem with our dynamic is. I’m unhappy. A lot. But I always feel like it’s my fault. I feel like he’s got me wrapped up in sick mind games. And I don’t know if he is really playing games with me, or if it is really my problem.

I think I should first start off by stating one of the main problems, I think, of our relationship. This boy is Muslim. As in, born and raised in the middle east, very traditional Muslim. He prays five times a day, and had sworn himself to God to stay pure and good. Until he met me, apparently. I was the first girl he ever kissed, and gave his virginity to. He said it was because I captured his heart, and was so beautiful, smart and wonderful that he couldn’t resist. I try to be a good girlfriend. I call him when I can, and if not, I text him.

Here’s the thing. Whenever I think we’re in a good place, or that we’re happy. He says something or does something that makes me completely re think our relationship. Okay, so earlier. We were texting, about religion. He then says out of the blue that he can never have a conversation with me, and that talking to me is like talking to a brick wall. I asked him how, and he said that I am never there for him. He keeps bringing this up, and I have no idea what he wants. I am there. As much as I can be. I work a lot. So I don’t see him often. But he keeps saying that I don’t treat him like a loving girlfriend. We take a class together. I help him with his homework. We talk on the phone almost every night. How is that not being there?

And he is no one to talk. So many times before he’s treated me like ****, with no reason whatsoever. He can be so mean. One time, we had made plans to hang out. Somehow, they fell apart because we both got busy or something. He called that night, livid that I didn’t bug him enough to see him. So we decided to hang out the next day. I called him in the morning. Then an hour later. Figuring that he was asleep, I called and called. He sent me a text telling me to **** off and to forget anything ever happened between us. I didn’t hear from him for three days. One time out of the blue, he texted me that I’m a whore, a slut and a bitch. I call him in tears to confront him, he tells me he’s joking and that I deserved it because I mock him whenever he tells me his problems. Like, I did that once. He was complaining that he was tired from working all day. I said, “poor baby.” Because I had been working hard that day too.

And so many times he’s changed his mind about being with me because of his “religion dilemma.” About three months in he broke up with me, because this relationship went against all that he stood for as an upstanding Muslim. Three days later he calls saying he misses me. Another time, two months ago, he broke up with me again, right before my graduation recital (I’m a cellist), saying that this relationship was wrong. We were broken up a whole week. He called every night and lamented to me about how much he loved and missed me. We hung out one day, he kissed me, and said he could not be without me, that I was all he wanted in the world.

Now we’re at tonight, where I’m writing up this post after midnight. We were texting earlier, and talking about religion. He said that in the Quran it states that a muslim man is better off marrying a muslim slave girl than a non-muslim free girl. This offended me, so I responded, “so what?” He then called me an infidel. I asked him why he has such horrible mood swings and why he’s always taking it out on me. He then responds, with the classic, “because you are never there for me. You’re supposed to be the one who comforts me, but you are too busy for that.” I then said I was going to call him to actually discuss this. He answered, said he was at the mosque, and that he didn’t have time for me.

I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking he’s an *******. But the way he explains things, he makes me feel like he’s perfect, and that I’m the root of every problem. After all, he’s risking a lot being with me. His father is an Islamic priest. Whenever I call to confront a problem, he explains it to where in the end, I think, “huh. He’s right. It is my fault. I deserve this.”

I know from the outside, this probably sounds crazy. And deep down I know it probably is too. But I’m so invested and in love that I can’t see past the needs of my heart. I know I shouldn’t be with him. I know he’s probably bad for me, but I love him. Because when we have great moments, they really are great. He truly is my best friend. Hell, my only friend. I’m really shy, and really guarded. I let my guard down with him.

I guess what I want to know here is that I’m not crazy. I need someone to tell me that I am not at fault here. Or maybe that I am. Maybe I’m expecting too much from him and that I’m acting like some priss princess or something. I don’t know. Thanks to all that reply!!

 

So, in other words..this whole relationship is a "Well, something is better than nothing" type relationship.

 

You think you have no other options, you aren't aware what your other options are (dating prospect wise), you're almost socially isolated (why? Self-imposed? Something more?) which only adds to your yearning for socializing. So, even though this relationship is a crap shoot you endure it anyway because something is better than nothing, even if that something makes you feel unhappy often and slighted too.

 

This guy has his head pretty damn far up his arse too if he believes he's as devoted to his religion as he claims. Bullcrap, the minute he gets a chance at sex he jumps at it. If he thought you were so beautiful and amazing, and my God a real true Helena in the flesh then he wouldn't be berating you and calling you mean and abusive names. He's brainwashed into his religion, not truthfully believing it because if he did even sex with you would be off the menu. I suppose it won't be long though before he internalizes his lack of purity and blames you, the infidel, for "ruining him". Which of course, is not your fault but at the rate he's going I think it's coming.

 

I'm not sure what to tell you, it's not going to get any better. It's only get to worse, more hostile, more mean, and more sadness and unhappiness will ensue. You could choose to leave but I don't think you really want to. I get the feeling you're just waiting for this magic third option to pop out of a black hole in the universe and suddenly fix everything. Except that never really happens and you'll just still be suck with the same guy who treats you like crap and makes you feel badly about yourself. Ew double Ew. Even worse is the longer you take someone treating you like a fertilizer pile the more likely you are to A) Think you actually deserve it/ it's normal B) Seek out guys who treat you like said fertilizer pile in your future relationships. And thus the cycle will continue on and on.

 

So, there you go. I laid it all out for you. If it's more important to love this guy at the expense of losing yourself and becoming a mentally unhealthy person then just keep on doing what you're doing. I probably sound harsh here but what you're talking about subjecting yourself to is much much worse.

[OwlSoul]

Yes, he seems to be a psycho.

It is not sign of a psycho. It's the culture/believes he has been told whole his life.

The OP had sex with him. OKay, this breaks the deal straightaway, since if the girl put out before the marriage, there is no guarantee she won't do it with other men (their point of view). It doesn't matter for him whether she did it with him or not. Moreover, it's a death sin to lose the virginity before the marriage.

[salparadise]

Yea, your are the influence of evil that makes him unworthy, keeps him from being the good, pure Muslim boy that he should be. It's also abusive behavior on his part. He has significant internal conflict and it manifests in unhealthy emotionally abusive behavior towards you. You just need to end it. Get your support resources lined up. Don't let him keep you on the string. Use that passage from the Quran as the reasoning when you tell him you're done.

[nescafe1982]

It is not sign of a psycho. It's the culture/believes he has been told whole his life.

The OP had sex with him. OKay, this breaks the deal straightaway, since if the girl put out before the marriage, there is no guarantee she won't do it with other men (their point of view). It doesn't matter for him whether she did it with him or not. Moreover, it's a death sin to lose the virginity before the marriage.

 

Misinterpretations of Islam aside, his behavior is not that of a good mate. He sounds like he is a) inexperienced and b) has an abusive streak. Sooner or later you will have to leave him because of it... it does not sound like he's ready to reform his behavior towards you. It sounds like he'd rather blame you for his own shortcomings, and you're taking the bait and enabling the behavior by staying with him.

 

I have dated Muslim men (and Arab men who are not Muslim too) and one thing I will say about the difficulties of culture here is that there are certain expectations, never voiced, that are placed on a woman. But if you are non-Muslim, or even a non-traditional Muslim, it can pose problems because your independent streak can leave a very traditional Muslim man feeling uncared-for.

 

Still, it's his problem, not yours... and you shouldn't own the problem because HE'S the one who needs to change his behavior. If he wants to date a subservient Muslim girl he needs to find one. Now, something led him to you and something made him love you--- so he needs to embrace you as you are or GTFO.

 

My advice? Put your foot down and say something to the effect of "this is who I am. I love you and I will do X, Y, and Z for you, but I am not to be shamed or treated poorly for being non-Muslim, I am not to be talked down to, and you are not to treat me like it's my job to read your mind or care for your whims. If you want or need something from me, you will need to voice it. And I promise to respect you enough to do the same."

 

Now, that sounds harsh perhaps, but it sounds like he's grown accustomed to you being his doormat. You will shock him back into reality by being as frank and upfront as possible. Just make sure what you say has a tone of "I love and respect you, but I also love and respect myself... and you will not treat me poorly. Period."

 

He will either a) bolt, in which case you know he's not up to the task of a healthy, adult relationship, or b) he will rise to the occasion. If he does the latter, he will respect you more for being straight-up with him. And that's not a "Muslim" thing; that's a "man" thing.

 

Good luck and hope it helps.

[ExpatInItaly]

He's an arrogant, abusive, mentally unstable prick who's using his religious beliefs to excuse his crap-tastic behaviour. It's not going to work. The end.

[BluEyeL]

He is definitely abusive. You need to end it, get some help from somewhere, emotional help, such as go into therapy and talk it out until you are tough enough emotionally to end this.

[New User]

Emotional and verbal abuse are frequently precursors to physical abuse. Even if it doesn't get physical, it does real and lasting damage. You can completely lose your identity and sense of self to a skilled manipulator. This is what their end goal is- for you to be completely dependent on them for your sense of self worth. I'd recommend ending it sooner rather than later- building up your strength sounds well and good in theory, but I don't think that it will work out that way in reality. The longer that you stay the more likely you are to have your individuality completely subsumed by him. The more that you become a shell of yourself. I observed this in my former father in law- his wife had reduced him to a shell of a man. I realized that my ex was trying to do the same thing to me and left her.

 

The first rule of abusers is to isolate their target. You sound isolated. What do you think you would say to someone who told you this story? What you are describing sounds like textbook emotional abuse. It's hard to leave. It will be even harder to recover- but the price you are likely to pay by staying with him is beyond what anyone should bear.

[therhythm]

Abusive prick alert... run ... run ...run!!!

[Phantom888]

You two are NOT compatible. His religion means too much to him.... You will never be his top priority. Also, you don't agree with his views, so you will always fight about religion things. There is really no happy ending to this.

[NJtoDC]

Made it about half way through your post, that was enough for me. You deserve better than that. The problem is you don't see you deserve better than that. I hope you are able to learn to demand more respect from men than this.