Older guy here, 1st post, deeply appreciate input from women 30+

July 22, 2013

I have been reading many posts on here over the last few weeks and really hope I can get some insight from anyone willing to help so thus my reason for posting for the first time. I will do the best to give you the background.

Me, 52 yrs. old, self employed professional. Never married and have had different relationships of varying degrees over the years. Never got married as I saw too many people around me get married for all the wrong reasons or bailing at the first sign of trouble. I was just was not able to find the right chemistry with someone. I was up to this point content with my life and pretty happy even though I was involved with no one. Last serious relationship was 6 1/2 years ago. Dated here and there since but no one really caught my attention. Maybe I am weird in that I don't have to be with someone to be happy.

So here is the story. About a year and 1/2 ago I kept running into a woman that works in my building. We would always talk to each other about everything on our minds. If we didn't see each other for a week or two we would always ask where each other has been. If she or I was talking with other people we would break away from the others and talk to each other instead. Anyways, I gave her my number one day and she called and asked if I would like to get together and of course I said yes. We had both had interest in each prior to that but neither one of else knew what to do about it.

A little about her, she is 42, divorced a couple of years, used to drink, is in AA and sober for 3 1/2 years. I was actually impressed by that due to the reason that in my mind someone is going to be more in tune with themselves than someone who is not, be it AA, support groups, counseling etc. It's people trying to improve themselves. I don't drink at all so that was great for both of us. What was funny is that she said she actually finally found someone who didn't drink. This was her first involvement with someone since she has been sober.

So we started seeing each other and admitedly things developed very fast. However, it was quite mutual. We kept checking with each other and kept getting the green light from one another. We started discussing things we were going to do together, just everything under the sun. I swear we would see each other and just melt. We would laugh about stuff to point where we were crying. Me, I was already doing good before I meet her and now life was even better. She made me want to be a better person in all ways spiritually, intellectually, across the board in my life. Total chemistry. Her, her friends could not believe how much she changed in such a short time for the better. As an example, she was the type of woman that did not even wear makeup, (did not even need it, was a natural beauty). When she started using it no one could believe it. She jokingly would say what am I doing to her that's she is doing these things and all the changes she was going thru and I must be using mind control over her. She said I had inspired her to start writing and drawing after not having done it for years. It seemed to me that we were having a mutually and beneficially reciprocating affect on one another. The way it should be between a man and a woman.

I said things to her regarding how I felt about her that I have never said to anyone, ever. She as well to me. Both of us had been very protective of our privacy before we met. Me, other than family coming over my house and a friend or two I had not had a woman at my home in 6 1/2 years. Her, only two people had been to her apartment in the past 3 1/2 years, her close friend as well as me.

Half of our communication was in person, the other by way of text.

So this is what happens next and where it crashes. The weekend before the whole thing between us went up in flames we had gone on a free river boating course and had a great time but i could sense something was off a little with her. We were texting each other after that weekend and asked how she felt, here is the text:

MONDAY

her: i'm well. i just need to slow down a bit this week. a lot of things are changing in my life very quickly. i don't want to make a mess if i can help it;

me: I understand and I hope I am not complicating it for you;

me: Would you like for more me to leave you alone;

her: you are a positive influence in my life. i just can't go full speed ahead like we started to do. i need to slow down, so i don't crash;

her: i don't want you to leave me alone. i look forward to seeing you again. i have chronic fatigue. i have to slow down in all things, or i crash;

me: I am sure I don't help with it; It just dives me crazy because I think about you so much; Just let me know how you want to go forward and I will abide by your wishes;

her: ok. my phone's battery is losing power. let's just move from the fast lane to the slow lane for now. ok?

me: ok, guess we better call it a night

We had also agreed that we needed to cut down on texting while she was at work so she would not get in trouble and I had no issue with that. I was also in the process of remodeling my house and her and a couple of friends were going to come over the in two weeks to help me out.

The following Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday our texts were kept to a minimum and I was slowing everything down a little as she had asked. Friday she texts me from work and she said I know we agreed not to text while she was at work but had a question about something which I did answer. We did not talk all day on Saturday, I had been busy at my house every night till one in the morning trying to get it prepped for painting the following week for her friends. She was going to her AA meetings and doing other stuff.

She sends me a text that Sunday and here is what transpired:

her: hey, is 9am a good start time for everyone on saturday, to paint the house?;

me: I am starting to paint today. But I can have them do stuff outside;

her: well, x, (her friend), wanted to paint. so, deal off?

me: I will probably only get the ceilings done so she could do the walls, 9:00 is fine next Saturday;

her: So, you're right. I try to do what's best for everyone, help everyone, and i get ****ed. Everytime. By you. By x, (her friend who was going to help). What the ****? It's fine. I'm used to it. Can i just have my stuff back? ;

me: I don't understand, my feelings for you have not changed one bit;

can you please tell me what is troubling you, it's just killing me inside knowing that you hurt so;

her: you and i do not communicate well. i'm sorry. but, this has to stop. we can't do this anymore;

me: I would be happy to find a solution; Feel like going for a walk to talk about this;

her: no. please, leave me alone. i don't want to see you or text with you any longer.

That is where it ended. After that I did not respond to the last message. I have not called her, texted her, written her or seen her in any shape or form other than sending some stuff back to her in the mail that she had at my house the following day after it happened. I did not include any note or letter in the package, just her stuff. This was a little over a month ago. I am not sure how much of this actually has to do with me or something else.

These are my feelings and thoughts on all of this. Fortunately all my texts are logged via my google account so I reviewed them all from day one to the end trying to figure this all out. We had known each other for about 1 1/2 years before this but our actual involvement with each other was three weeks. Everyone may say after all this that's all it was and why I am I even posting. Well it was all real to me and her. I am not some kid who doesn't take things seriously, especially a person's feelings that I care about.

I feel absolutely horrible about what happened but the shock is over. I really cared for her and I believe the feelings were mutual. I don't know if it was a misunderstanding in our final texts and the lessening of them the couple of days before it all crashed and her interpreting that as me losing interest; that I had let her down regarding the work that was going to be done at my house with her friends because of a change in plans and she felt she could not trust me; if I misinterpreted her wanting to slow things down a little as her losing interest in me and I overreacted; did all of it get pushed too fast by both of us; was the stress of a relationship was overwhelming her and and a threat to her sobriety; was she scared of what was developing between us and when a conflict needed to be resolved she did not how to handle it and lashed out instead of talking about even though I asked; maybe she was scared to talk about it and it meant opening up and hearing someone else's point of view. Nothing is one sided and I hope I am not coming across that way because I am tying to resolve my part in this and my responsibility. God I would stick a fork in my own eye if I in any way had been an impediment to her continued sobriety and if that was the reason for all of this I totally understand and give her a lot of credit for her actions to protect herself. It could be she was not as vested as I was, but it does not seem like the case even though she ended it.

I totally realize no one is perfect, me, her or anyone else on this earth. I have plenty of faults as well as good qualities. No one person is ever 100% of what you want but if you can you try to get close to what you want and go from there, handle it to the best of your ability and take it from there.

Any insight from anybody would be appreciated, flash me if you want. I really feel like I owe her an apology because of what maybe I didn't pick up on. What bugs me the most is that I said I was willing to find a solution and that seemed to make things worse.

For the time being the best thing for me is to do nothing at all, especially attempting to contact her.

Thanks everyone.

Edited July 22, 2013 by phoenix6
added information

July 22, 2013

Can I say that communicating important personal messages such as yours works better in person or by phone? That's a huge trouble you have right there. But she sounds really prone to quick anger and you should just sit back and give her space. No Contact.

July 22, 2013

I totally agree with your reply. You are dead on right. This is the first time I have ever been involved with someone where half the communication was via texting. Except for really short messages it depersonalizes everything. I actually hate texting. I went that route with her as she has a prepaid phone and now that I think of it all the texting we did probably cost more than calls would have in the end.

That is why I wanted to talk to her in person but that went nowhere. That is why I did not respond at all I could just feel it would be like running my head into the wall.

You are right in your spin regarding quick to anger, it's the first time it happened with me. I did notice when I was with her at times she would get easily frustrated. I on the other hand probably have too much patience.

I really appreciate your reply and hope others will respond as well as it helps my insight.

Thanks

July 22, 2013

Phoenix6,

Not 30 yet but close! But thought I'd share my insights with you anyway.

I apologize in advance for being blunt, but seems like she simply, for whatever reason, whether it be she met someone else, or was going through personal issues, or simply fell out of love, wanted to end the relationship and fast. Sounds like she jumped on the painting thing as an excuse as it didnt seem like an issue at all, as you'd AGREED with her that 9am was fine on Saturday! When she texted "no deal?", she was probably hoping you'd reply with a request to reschedule, which would give her her cue to turn the whole thing into a giant inconvenience, make a huge fuss, then throw in the break up at the end. The way in which a person acts in a break up reveals their true colours, and she's shown herself to be immature, to say the least. Yes, having to break up with someone is unpleasant, but at least have the common courtesy to be honest, truthful and

considerate about it! You were very decent and courteous to post all her stuff back!*NC all the way I say!!*

July 22, 2013

I understand what you said about dating an addict who conquered her demons, however you don't know the reason why she used to drink. She could have battled depression or a personality disorder for all you know. There usually isn't a good reason why people develop an addiction and I think you would benefit from understanding why you are drawn to broken people.

Do you come from a broken family yourself?

July 22, 2013

Hi

It could be many reasons many of which are speculation.

I think she hit it on the nail.. Communication of which she is struggling with NOT you. I have a feeling she got scared off by the intensity and was maybe worried if she got in too deep and it ended shed fall off the wagon with her sobriety. My grandma was sober for thirty yrs before she fell off so I know a fair amount about alcoholism.

Your gf maybe feels guilt at distancing herself and the only way she could was to use some other reason to call things off other than the REAL reason, whatever that may be.

The balls in her court now. You've respected her wishes. If you want you could send her a text saying you miss her and hope she's well but I wouldn't try to sway her. Let her talk to you.

You sound like a sweet guy and I'm sorry you're having to face this confusion.

July 22, 2013

To answer the question above I had great parents and I was very close to them.

I really appreciate everyone's input.

July 22, 2013

To answer the question above I had great parents and I was very close to them.

Are they together though if you don't mind my asking?

July 22, 2013

Not sure about the question so I will answer:

my parents are deceased;

her and I are not together;

her parents are divorced and live out of town about two hrs. drive, she told me she has not seen them in 11 yrs and that they cannot afford to drive here to see her, (which sounds kind of strange to me but I do not know the family dynamics)

July 22, 2013

Not sure about the question so I will answer:

my parents are deceased;

her and I are not together;

her parents are divorced and live out of town about two hrs. drive, she told me she has not seen them in 11 yrs and that they cannot afford to drive here to see her, (which sounds kind of strange to me but I do not know the family dynamics)

I was trying to understand what attracts you to a broken person. It's usually a codependent trait and codependents tend to have divorced or alcoholic parents. That's all.

Sounds like she comes from a difficult background. Perhaps in general she struggles with interpersonal relationships (hence her alcoholism).

July 22, 2013

I did not know any of these things until we started seeing each other in late May of this year. Prior to that I had no idea about any of this.

July 22, 2013

I did not know any of these things until we started seeing each other in late May of this year. Prior to that I had no idea about any of this.

No but the idea is that you pick up certain vulnerabilities in another person. We all have blue prints that we bring with us from the way we are brought up. We relate to aspects of people in a certain way. If you get 'sucked in' by vulnerable/broken people, there is usually a reason for this.

July 22, 2013

I'm going to take her comment about the communication issue at face value and say that poor communication was the reason she wanted to break it off. You said that she started to turn off during the rafting trip. I'm guessing that she saw something in you during that trip that turned her off. And it sounds like she had arranged for her friends to help you paint and there was some miscommunication with that. Communication issues are probably the #1 reason why couples break up. I would suggest NC at this point, except for a brief hello if you run into her in the building. The ball is in her court now, and any further efforts by you to try to reconnect is probably not going to go over well. Let her decide if she wants to talk this through. You have already made the effort, and she is not ready to at this point. She may never be, as it sounds to me like she decided you don't communicate well and she can't deal with that.

July 22, 2013

Hi, I usually do not put on the internet, and do not advise it, but your story caught my attention. I even signed up for this .

I think that when she asked to slow down, she was referring to the intimate part of the relationship, not that you cease to be a man for her, which she liked so much that she was inspired to start enjoying life again.

I understand that we all have a personal life, and not all of us are brave enough to put their questions to the public. But I believe that between your text here some part missed, which probably caused a negative reaction from her:

me: I will probably only get the ceilings done so she could do the walls, 9:00 is fine next Saturday;

her: So, you're right. I try to do what's best for everyone, help everyone, and i get ****ed. Everytime. By you. By x, (her friend who was going to help). What the ****? It's fine. I'm used to it. Can i just have my stuff back? ;

If it is not what you choose to keep a secret, it could be something that was missed by the service when you corresponded with each other, especially since you mentioned that she uses pre-paid telephone service where it happens often.

July 22, 2013

I totally agree with communication being an issue and that is why I suggested to talk as an alternative to texting. I thought enough of her to make that effort. Prior to this I cannot recall any specific issues when we talked in person.

For some reason I have this picture in my mind: you see a beautiful field of wildflowers growing and off in the distance you think you see a weed growing, but instead of going over and looking at it to confirm what it is you just decide to drop a nuclear bomb on the whole pasture to kill what you thought might have been one weed.

Just my analogy.

July 22, 2013

I can think of nothing at all that happened during the rafting trip. All we did was laugh and have a great time. We ate dinner afterwards and we were planning on signing up for the program and doing it the following weekend.

July 22, 2013

I can think of nothing at all that happened during the rafting trip. All we did was laugh and have a great time. We ate dinner afterwards and we were planning on signing up for the program and doing it the following weekend.

You said in your OP that you sensed during the river boating that something was a bit off with her. If there was nothing you can pinpoint from that outing, then there must have been something before that that has been weighing on her mind. Or she may have broken it off for some other reason. We are just guessing in the dark. I'll give you three possible scenarios as to why she broke it off:

1. You don't communicate well. (Too pushy, don't listen, don't communicate or miscommunicate, take your pick).

2. You were moving too fast and she realized it and got scared off and realizes she is not up for an intense relationship right now and didn't want to jeopardize her sobriety with bringing an intense relationship into her life at this point.

3. She obviously has issues that caused her to become an alcoholic, and her state of brokenness would not allow a real relationship to develop, so she pushed you away because she is not up for it.

I'm guessing it's #1. You have communication issues, which your post alluded to and which is the reason she gave. That may be a reason you have been single for so long. You may want to explore this in counseling so that it doesn't become an issue in future relationships.

July 28, 2013

I have been off here for a couple of days to think about things and everyone's insight. I searched my memory banks for my past conversations with her and now I remember a couple of things.

One of the things she mentioned a number of times was why I was being so kind to her. My response was that she deserved nothing less from me and that is the way it should be if people really care about each other. To me it just seems the natural thing to do. Another thing that I now keep wondering about now that I look back at it all is that if she discussed something personal with me is that she would thank me for validating her feelings. I always thought in a normal relationship it was natural to discuss things be it work, life, etc. It seems to me and just a gut feeling I have is that no one has actually ever listened to her or respected her as a person. I don't know maybe I am just trying to rationalize everything.

The last post before this one gave a number of scenarios about what may have transpired. The weekend before the implosion when I sensed something was a little off she had met with her sponsor. I am not implying anything nefarious but I am guessing she said she was having a hard time coping with her life, work, (she was having some problems at work that had talked to me about), and me in general and the stress that comes from being involved. She never said anything to me about it which is her right

even though I picked up on it as I was the one who asked how she was feeling. This is when she said she wanted to slow everything down and I agreed because it was a good idea. Maybe she thought if she brought it up I would say no and walk away or get mad. I am thinking I did exactly the opposite of what she had been used to in the past. Her response was that I was a good influence in her life and looked forward to seeing me again.

In accordance with her wishes I did in fact slow down everything and that was probably exactly the opposite of what she was expecting. I was respecting her wishes, again.

One of the posters above inquired regarding my communication skills. In over a 1000 texts between her and I there was maybe two or three miscommunications. In person I am neither over bearing and no worse or better than the average guy. I actually spoke with two women I used to date and at least this is what they told me One key issue in this whole thing about a change in plans regarding who was going to do what at my house is that when I got her text saying "wtf" it was not just about me or something that I had done specifically. If you look at my original post it was about me, her female friend, how she always trys to help everyone etc. etc.

Unfortunately the common denominator in the text is her and how she feels everyone treats her, a woe is me the victim mindset. I feel lousy for even saying that but that is what the text reveals at least to me.

Her next text then states we have trouble communicating and I replied I would be happy to find a solution. Her reply flat was a flat out no, leave me alone and I don't want to talk to you or text anymore. Again, I had a high enough opinion of her to hear her views and opinions but I am totally shut down, basically bum rushed and sucker punched. Here I am someone actually willing to listen to her and I just don't think she knew how to react to it and instead closes herself down emotionally. If you read my original post she did tell me basically she shuts down if she gets overwhelmed.

In my small male mind it seems all of this this has very little to do with me. Believe me I am not perfect and have many faults and shortcomings and know what most of them are. If someone has an issue with me I would rather know it and see what I can do to adjust my behavior. I do know myself pretty good.

At least to me I think it all comes down to the fact she is having enough as it is on her hands to keep her life in order and my involvement with her was the one she had to cut loose as it was the easiest to sacrifice.

For me it totally sucks and I am very saddened by what happened and how it transpired. There is nothing I can do nor is there anything I will do about it, the only choice is to accept it. All I know is that I cared more for her than anyone I have ever been involved with and all my intentions were sincere. I mean that from my heart. (she already knew this as she had asked me a while back and had no problem with it).

Anyways, I had to get this out of my system. I have not talked, texted, mailed her or initiated any communication whatsoever since her last text and do not plan on it. I have not even run into her at my building either. Believe me I would love to say something or talk to her but radio silence is the best thing for me. I have to take care of myself and she has to take care of her issues on her own whatever they may be.

Well those are my thoughts.

July 28, 2013

I've read all the thread.

I'm 35 years old

Even though I find extremely weird single man in his fifties no kids no previous marriages (I'd never date you! Lol), I do think she has some serious problems and, I'm pretty sure, she has a personality disorder.

From what I've read, you did nothing wrong, is she who sent some mixed signals (slow down because she was scared to crash (wtf?), some impulsive answers (you agreed to her friend to come help you with the painting yet she got mad), her alcohol problems, the fact she hasn't seen her parents in 11 years even though they live 2 hours from her, she was amazed you were so kind to her (big, big red flag!!)...

She seems to have some issues. My advice is to let her go and find someone who can have a not mal relationship. The question here will be: do you really want someone normal? Can you commit to a normal relationship?

Unavailable woman usually fall for unavailable men and I'd say you have something of that too...

July 28, 2013

I appreciate your response. I know because of my age it sounds weird. I laughed when I read your comment. Just so you know I never had the time when I was younger to get married or have kids. Notwithstanding work, for many years all my spare time consisted of taking care of my father who was basically bedridden or in the hospital for months on end. I am not attempting to make excuses or looking for pity but I had to do what I had to do and I would do it all over again with absoultely no hesitation. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the ones you love.

I guess you could call me a late bloomer, ha, ha.

Again thanks for the input.

July 28, 2013

I know this gal... She sounds a lot like your gal.

When she gets close to people - and they are nice to her - she bites them with nasty responses and turns things onto the nice person and reacts like your gal did.

Then she blames them... Never herself. She feels undeserving of being loved. She communicates mainly by text - it's a curtain she hides behind.

When she gets mean - it's vicious! And she's consistent with nice people. Same experience with 10-12 people.

She's broken. She guards herself by purposely ruining it when she thinks it's going good. It is her family of origin... The meaning she's assigned to people that get close to her = I must ruin it before they hurt me.

The gal I know is very mentally unstable at times.

The fact that your gal hasn't done her amends in person with her parents says she's not working a strong program... Most recovering people are strongly encouraged to see them face to face and clear the air after apologizing.

I hope some of this helps. I hope you can see your gal has things to work through that you can't help her with... So best to let her go.

On a side note - when a person asks if 9am is a good start time - a simple yes or no is the right answer.

July 28, 2013

I'm surprised by the responses on here telling you that you are not a good communicator.

SHE is the one not communicating. She claims to be mad about something and doesn't accept your offer to talk about it. You can only do so much but if the other person refuses to discuss things there isn't much anyone can do.

I agree with some of the other posters here...sounds like she has other issues.

August 8, 2013

No but the idea is that you pick up certain vulnerabilities in another person. We all have blue prints that we bring with us from the way we are brought up. We relate to aspects of people in a certain way. If you get 'sucked in' by vulnerable/broken people, there is usually a reason for this.

OP, pay attention to what Emelia is saying...do some research on codependncy and also enabling. I speak from experience.

August 8, 2013

She has many red flags. The alcoholism. Not speaking to her parents for 11 years. Shutting down instead of talking through something.

I assume it is her, not you.

I'd write it off and move on to find someone who is ready for a real relationship.

August 21, 2013

Have not been on this board for a while. I am very happy to say that I have not broken NC, (60 and counting), once since I got that crazy text when this all ended. I made the right choice by not even responding to it. After analyzing this whole situation to the ninth degree I would have done everything the same as far as my involvement with her was concerned and how I acted. Regardless if someone does or does not have have a diagnosed/undiagnosed emotional disorder or just not what to be with you for whatever reason just let it go. Easy for me to say as everyone's situation is different. I acted like an emotionally mature adult. I wanted her but I did not need her and funny that is what I will remember. You only need air and water to live. Maybe I am more emotionally well balanced than I thought. Ha, Ha. I offered alternatives and all was rebuffed and that was what made me stop trying instantly, it told me how much I was valued as a person. I have no regrets.

Hope everyone just does the best they can with their own set of circumstances.

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Older guy here, 1st post, deeply appreciate input from women 30+

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