totally upset about catching my boyfriend looking at porn...need suggestions

[Confused28]

Hi Haley.....

 

Ohhh... you poor thing! I can just feel your hurt through your words! I know how you feel, I am terrified of being in a relationship with a boyfriend/husband that looks at other girls, looks at porn, worst yet... goes to strip clubs behind my back...please no! I think it can be a part of your sex life, but only when you are comfortable with it.

 

I was married for 4 and a half years ( we were together for 8 years), and I was with a man who was very sexual, and eventually we had added porn as a part of our sex life. But, it was not a part of it for the first 4 years, because I told him I felt insecure about it. He loved me and respected that, and did everything he could to make me feel like the most beautiful woman alive. I knew he really felt that way, and so we introduced it to our sex life and I was fine with it.

 

But, now, I have been so scared to become involved with someone who likes it. To the point that I actually stayed with someone for 2 years, because I knew he didn't like it or do it, and was honest about it.

 

Enough about me :-), I think that you are handling it well, you are talking about it, you are not yelling, and you are really letting him know how you feel. I think that those girls on the screen don't hold a candle to you, what you have with your bf can't be torn apart by a picture. I think that if he is honest with you, and respects your feelings and doesn't dismiss your feelings or say you are over reacting, then he is a pretty good guy. I am disturbed when guys say "Everyone does it", but, when you are in a relationship it is necessary to hear how your partner feels and make sacrifices instead of saying just deal with it.

 

I think you guys will get through this, and maybe you can add it later, or not i think communication is key! Also, he wants to be with you, that is obvious. I think it would be great if you got some sexy lingerie, a bottle of wine, candle light, that would be cool! Not that I'm trying to blame you at all... I just think it might be nice and try and use this to better your relationship. :-) HOpefully he can commit to not looking at it if you make an effort, too! Confused28

[tiki]

Originally posted by Confused28

I have been so scared to become involved with someone who likes it.

 

....then don't!!!

 

There are men out there that have no interest in pornography. We've even got some here on LS. Why settle for less? Find someone with your same preferences. That's all it is, a preference. But it's a preference that needs to match!!!

[Confused28]

Originally posted by tiki

....then don't!!!

 

There are men out there that have no interest in pornography. We've even got some here on LS. Why settle for less? Find someone with your same preferences. That's all it is, a preference. But it's a preference that needs to match!!!

 

Thanks Tiki, you really helped me! It is preference, just like anything else in life. Thanks!! Confused28

[haleyjane]

I don't know if this has changed anything, but I have found more out.

 

He is being really nice about this whole thing, probably because I am being calm about it. Today he took off work so we could spend some time together and he sat me down to tell me some things. I'll just sum it all up - he said he loves me with all his heart and he couldn't lie to me anymore. He told me to begin with that he hadn't looked at porn since Christmas 2002 (i wasn't around for a month), then when i caught him he said it was the first time in a long time, then that turned into he had looked at it once before yesterday, then just recently he felt bad and told me that he looks at it a couple of times a month and pleasures himself the majority of the time.

 

so in less than two days i go from a shock that he did it once to a shock that he does it several times a month! i'm pretty upset that he's been lying to me but i respect that he wanted to tell me. i am just heartbroken that he has lied to me for two years but i don't understand why he needs to do this. he told me he will stop and it was just a habit. he said after seeing how bad it hurt me, he couldn't stand to do that anymore and the reason he never told me is because he was ashamed and felt guilty every time he did it.

 

i do believe that he will stop doing this because he is an emotional guy too and he is really upset about this, almost as much as me.

 

does this change anything? the fact that he has lied to me for the past two years? what does it mean that for the past two years we have been having great sex (and pretty often, too) and he still has to go to a computer for more? can someone explain that to me?

[Confused28]

Haley,

 

I'm really glad that you are standing firm that you don't have to allow this to be a part of your relationship. I also think it is great that Mark is so caring that he took the day off work to spend time with you. It seems he really loves you, Haley.

 

I think it is great that you are being so calm. At least he is telling you the truth! If you were not calm, I don't think that he would have told you that. I think it is much better to know the truth, rather than throw out ultimatums about leaving, or threatening to leave if you catch him again. i think that will just encourage him. no adult wants to be told what to do, he might stop looking at porn, might not if you go into that mode. but he could just keep it up and just hide it better. This way, he is realizing what a wonderful woman he has, who will work through things to understand him.

 

I think it is important to give someone a chance to change. I think everyone deserves one chance. I know that i have done some bad, hurtful things in relationships. Things that i felt sooooo bad about. And, i changed! I think that it is great that he is honest, you guys are communicating, and he seems really remorseful. I would give him a chance to prove himself.

 

I think you have every right to be upset and i think you are handling this like a true woman, you are patient, loving and understanding, but you are not compromising what you know you deserve!

 

Confused28

[haleyjane]

Thank you, confused28!

 

i was hoping to come to this site and find a nice reply! we are getting along pretty good, i can completely tell that he is really upset about this happening. i could type in all the things he has said to me that have made me feel good about this situation but that would probably take up a whole page and no one wants to read that!

 

because of the way he is acting (remorseful), it shows me that he really does want this relationship to work and he is willing to do anything to get it to work. i haven't said it, but we both know our relationship is walking a fine line. i don't think either of us are going to jeopardize it and im thrilled about that.

 

today he took off so that we could talk and spend time together at home and i think he's taking off again on saturday so that we can go do things outside of the house to get our minds off of whats been happening (and i didn't ask him to take off, he's doing it on his own, which is exciting)!!

 

well hopefully all goes well...i'll be around to update

 

thanks again, confused28 for the nice reply, it makes me feel good about what we're doing...oh and i am taking your advice about the sexy lingerie, a bottle of wine, and candle light

[Confused28]

Haley,

 

Ohhhh..... I am so happy for you! I totally understand where you are coming from. I have been there, I didn't walk in on him looking at porn, but he wanted to watch it with me, and so i knew he had an interest in porn and i figured he had been looking at it in some capacity (online or video). I am 28 now and this was back when i was 20-21 years old.

 

i chatted with my sorority sisters about it at the time. Some thought it was wrong, some thought i was over reacting. But you know what... it was hurtful to me, and i stuck to what i believed in (just like you!). i let him know it and he was so loving and gentle about it and it was not apart of our lives until 3 years later when i felt so confident in myself and his attraction to me that i kind of liked it. i totally understand you, and it seems like mark is finding understanding in you and loving you. he sounds like an awesome guy, some guys would not be so gentle and remorseful. sounds like you have someone who loves you and treats you right!

 

also, have pride in your body and self! women are beautiful! you are so pretty in your picture! and when you love someone, the small flaws that you see in yourself are meaningless. i often think about how i have felt about past loves.... i think my boyfriends and ex-husband in the past was definitely HOT, but, they didn't have rock hard bodies. but, to me, they did ( you know what i mean?) that is difference between being in love and just being stimulated. my past boyfriends turned me on more than any picture of a hot guy, or any random guy in a club could. it goes both ways, and i know that my ex boyfriends felt the same for me. i'm sure that you are the most beautiful thing in the world to mark!

 

we are not perfect, but i think when you love someone like mark loves you, you are way more beautiful than anything he could find on-line. it is your personal beauty paired with his feelings for you.... those girls on line don't got nothing on you, girl!! I think about it that way, because that is how it is for me when i am in love with someone. i might see someone and think he is cute, but then i see my man..... and my heart jumps, i tingle inside, and i know that he feels the same. no picture can do that for him, I DO THAT FOR HIM!!!!

 

Write me anytime! confused28

[innocntlisy1981]

i totally agree with u im a country girl to with good values and ive been in this situtaion and it stinks.its disgusting especially when ur boyfriend starts comparing how good they look to u .u have every reason to be upsey why do gus need to look at tha cr**p is beyond me.dont they realise it makes u girls feel really ****ty about ourselves as if we dont have a low self esteem already.talk to him about thats all i can say i talked to my boyfriend about but that dint work cos then he just started sneaking it behind my bak and erasing tha history which made me 10 times more suspisious.tell him how it make su feel and hopefully he has tha decency to cut it out good luk hun

[BigJ100]

Why do women believe that when/if your man looks at another woman, that he is comparing you to her?

I am not excusing men's behaviour - but girls - please - it is the mans problem - not you.

 

In a relationship, isn't there a coming to a common/mutual point for the benefit of the other the issue?

 

My opinion - if you think he is worth it. Help him get through this problem.

Don't freak out - he already is full of guilt and shame.

Don't naively take his word, treat it like any addiction. Agree on truth at all costs. Check up by asking him everyday "Are you clean"?

Work it through. If you don't last together, you will have least helped make him a better man for knowing you.

[zara]

Hayley - you need to get some self confidence. You are 21! Trust me, if you are anything like the 'average' woman you will look at pics of yourself in ten years time and go "oh my goodness! i was so slim and HOT!". Enjoy your beautiful self.

 

I'm a lapdancer and do you want to know what men find attractive? Confidence. I know dancers of all ages, shapes and sizes (we're not all leggy young blondes you know!) and what makes us so darned attractive compared to most girls on the street is our confidence. If you saw some of my colleagues you might be puzzled and think "but i have a better figure than that!" but it is the confidence and self belief that makes us so appealing. We believe we are sexy, so we are.

 

Have you ever thought about taking up acting, or singing lessons or maybe a dance class that will help you with your self esteem.

 

But increasing your confidence may not have an impact on your opinion of porn. If you search around some of the other threads on here on the subject you will find that there are many confident sexy women who just don't like porn and that is a matter of respect to be worked out between partners.