ddspike21 Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 The last 3 months of my relationship with my ex i would have days where i would become incredibly distant and emotionally cold, where i was indecisive and even had an inability to talk and no sex drive. Depression is something that i have been dealing with for a long time and i dont see a therapist or take any meds but i do take vitamin D, St. johns wort, and 5-HTP and they often do help with it. Anyway, my GF always thought that my depressed mood was because of her or how i felt about her and i had trouble convincing her that it was my depression and it was eventually the reason she broke up with me because she couldn't deal with it anymore. I feel guilty because my depression is what pushed her away but another part of me thinks that she was selfish for judging me for it and not trying to help me. what do you think?
amaysngrace Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 I think that if you cared about her you would have tried to be the best you that you can be and not seeing a doctor to treat a manageable condition probably did hurt her feelings. So she has a valid point. 3
Nicoleiia Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 This is a hard one, but if your ex couldn't handle your illness then it was best that you guys broke up. In a sense, it is selfish that she didn't stick by you, but its an incredibly stressful situation to be in so maybe it was healthier for her to just step back from this and continue on with her life. The best thing you can do is continue with your holistic treatment. Depression can be overcome and maybe in the future you guys can try it again when you feel a little better. Just my honest opinion.
Author ddspike21 Posted July 22, 2013 Author Posted July 22, 2013 I think that if you cared about her you would have tried to be the best you that you can be and not seeing a doctor to treat a manageable condition probably did hurt her feelings. So she has a valid point. i can understand that, i just dont really have the money for something like that at the moment, hence why i got the Vitamin D, st. johns wort, 5-HTP to help it. and i did do everything else i could outside of seeing a therapist like getting enough sleep, cutting out caffeine, reassuring her. i was pretty obsessed with fixing it for myself and obviously for her too, and anti-depression meds have too much potential negative side effects. so i did try my best but i guess it obviously wasn't good enough, but i can definitely see it from her perspective and how it would affect her. 1
SoulSoldier Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Stop being selfish and get professional help for it. Speaking as someone who has been dealing with depression and anxiety for years now (and only woke up last year and got help for myself from my doctor) it's incredibly selfish to continually deny yourself the opportunity to get help from a professional who--most likely--will be able to actually help you. It's especially selfish when you drag someone else into your situation and, when it begins to hurt them, you choose to be stubborn rather than get help and hopefully save the relationship. If I sound harsh, it's because not only have I been in your shoes, but I've been in your ex's shoes. I've seen both sides of the situation and, quite frankly, it's sucky for both people involved. This is what led to my recent (as in this weekend) breakup with my ex. He was depressed, being a depressed person myself I saw the signs, I pointed it out to him, and rather than getting help for himself he chooses to self medicate with alcohol and complete indifference. It's selfish and it's only going to make him continue to hurt people in the future. I think it's awesome that you tried the holistic approach. I did the same. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work. (although, if you'd like to try one other alternative, my doctor has told me that Niacin is used in some countries as an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant and it's helped me some, too). What actually worked for me was a combination of the right vitamins (D, B12 and Niacin), exercise, proper diet, journaling/cognitive therapy (on my own--basically retraining my thoughts) and celexa (anti-depressant). It took me a few months, but I'm actually feeling good again. Yes, it's true some anti-depressants have side effects--but often the positive effects outweigh these. If I were you, I'd do some research, see what medicine seems like the best fit for you, then give it a shot. If it doesn't work after a few months, simply stop taking it and try something different. It took me 6 months of searching and 3 months of taking an ineffective medication to find the right one....and since then (relationship issues aside) I've felt fantastic. I am sure the same thing will happen for you. Bottom line is this: you need to focus on yourself right now, take care of your depression (and since holistic hasn't worked, go to the doctor and try an AD), and once you do that, only then should you think about dating someone and bringing them into the situation. I only wish that I had learned this lesson sooner--and that my ex would learn it to begin with. 4
Eddie Edirol Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Bottom line is this: you need to focus on yourself right now, take care of your depression (and since holistic hasn't worked, go to the doctor and try an AD), and once you do that, only then should you think about dating someone and bringing them into the situation. I only wish that I had learned this lesson sooner--and that my ex would learn it to begin with. Exactly OP, no dating until your depression is under control or cured. With MEDICINE and a doctor. No one can help you until you help yourself, and they shouldnt have to. Your ex wants a NORMAL relationship, not one where she has to be tested right from the beginning, thats no way to live.
Talulah Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 The last 3 months of my relationship with my ex i would have days where i would become incredibly distant and emotionally cold, where i was indecisive and even had an inability to talk and no sex drive. Depression is something that i have been dealing with for a long time and i dont see a therapist or take any meds but i do take vitamin D, St. johns wort, and 5-HTP and they often do help with it. Anyway, my GF always thought that my depressed mood was because of her or how i felt about her and i had trouble convincing her that it was my depression and it was eventually the reason she broke up with me because she couldn't deal with it anymore. I feel guilty because my depression is what pushed her away but another part of me thinks that she was selfish for judging me for it and not trying to help me. what do you think? I think that sometimes it's best to stay away and cure your own illness. But to make it about her, my ex told me that I was bi-polar. Really? So, I went to a clinic and my doctor told me that I had low lithium. When I told my ex that, he went online and typed in bi-polar and highlighted the symptoms and read them out loud in front of everybody. So no, it's not ok to do that. Do you want to be with someone who runs now, imagine if God forbid you get something worse in the future, where is she going to be?
Sososad Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 I agree with the above posters .. I suffered with very bad depression. Lost my girlfriend to at the time . I thought it selfish she could walk away .. But looking back she tried and tried .. I was never going to get proper help with her around and only ended up putting my bad moods out on her . Sometimes I think she should have helped me more . But she walked away and that really made me realize I need help for me . I got the help 3 months on now things are so much clearer . I know during my depression I was not thinking logical and no matter what my partner done it was never going to be right . And you have to see it from there shoes too .. That's not a relationship it's a daily battle field. You kinda need to forget about your ex for the moment focus on you. First things first addres the depression . And believe me you can be happy single too. Get the help life's much easier when you see things clearer. It's not a easy road but its worth it. Who knows you may even re-find the you she fell in love with too! Best of luck!
amkxoxo Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 (edited) This is very interesting to me because my guy...now ex guy has similar problems. Depression plagued his everyday life to the point he would go missing for days until it bkew over. We were dating at the time and I would legit get super depressed and cry thinking he wanted nothing to do with me and then things would be fine. Some days he was super affectionate and other days I wouldn't even get a kiss goodbye. This would weigh on my self esteem. I kept trying to tell myself that it wasn't me, this was all him. I would often try and ignore it and pretend it wasn't there because I know the person he was to me. And that person is great. I have told him this and he says " oh well you don't know me that well then I'm a very dark person." But how I see him is far from that. He has told me that in the past he has purposely pushed people away who he felt couldn't handle his life problema. he feels that he becomes a burden to some people and he hurts them more than helps them. This also made me paranoid all the time thinking he would do this to me. I lost a lot of my self confidence through dating this guy but i feel like I'm making this sound like a horrible experience. I love him and though we aren't together now due to a lot of other reasons he wants to pursue our relationship when his head and life are more stable. Depression is serious and she probably couldn't handle it. After a while I learned the ropes with this guy but it was not easy. There is always that cliche quote like " you need to love yourself before you can love someone else." This is true. That is I think a main reason why me and my guy are not in a relationship. We both really like each other but he wants to get his life and health in order because he feels that the way things are now he cannot give me what I deserve. He needs time and I'm trying to give him space. Stay strong and work on yourself. When you can be happy alone you can then be happy with someone else. You never know you and this girl may reunite. Edited July 22, 2013 by amkxoxo
Joyvke Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Could swing both ways, she could have been afraid you'd dump her as soon as your depression would be gone (happened to myself). Though I don't think it's a reason to dump someone, I think in a relation you need to stick together in the hard times and not run away from it.
Emilia Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 but another part of me thinks that she was selfish for judging me for it and not trying to help me. what do you think? Don't be the self-centred, self-obsessed depressed guy who blames everyone else instead of seeking help. Don't be the one who sucks the living joy out of everyone not giving them any option other than leaving you. One person said here she wouldn't have left you if she truly loved you but what is there to love about someone who isn't getting better, who isn't dealing with his mental health, who is happy to wallow in his own misery? What do you mean by 'helping' you? Since when has your mental health been her responsibility? You are an adult, no? Everyone judges everyone by the way, you have just judged her in your post. 2
SkyWheel Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 I see a lot of my relationship in what amkxoxo was saying. My boyfriend hasn't been officially diagnosed as depressed, but I do feel that he pushed me away simply because he doesn't know how to deal with the depressed feelings he was having (as well as life stressors) and felt that he was dragging me down. He knew he couldn't be what he thought I needed. Looking back, I wasn't taking care of myself as much as I should've emotionally. We were both under a ton of stress and something just broke. Personally, during our split, I told him "in love and death, in sickness and in health," and he said "But we're not married." I still love him. I would still stand by him if he asked me. I would marry him. But I still believe he does need to get his own head on straight alone, because he certainly couldn't do it while we were together. It hurts, it isn't easy, but que sera sera and we both need to strengthen ourselves. This woman probably did love you a lot, but she may have recognized that she needed to separate herself so that you could get your head on straight, hopefully. There comes a certain point where you feel like you're just talking to a wall and going in circles with the depressed person, at least in my experience. It feels like there is nothing you can say or do to get them out of the funk they're in and it hurts not only them but you as well. Does that make sense?
Author ddspike21 Posted July 22, 2013 Author Posted July 22, 2013 (edited) thanks so much for these very insightful and well thought out replys! I now understand the situation more and i agree that i was more or less selfish for not pursuing help earlier, or at least professional help. I just dont want anyone to get the impression that i wasn't trying to get help, even though professional help would be ideal, i took the "holistic" approach first because it was cheaper and i wanted to see if i could fix it that way. Im not trying to justify not seeing a professional, i obviously have to, but i really tried everything other then that to fix it. I should also add that she would get depressed too sometimes and would be in the same position i was. At the moment, we both agreed not to contact each other for awhile to sort ourselves out and get some perspective on our breakup and then take it from there. Edited July 22, 2013 by ddspike21 1
amaysngrace Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 I should also add that she would get depressed too sometimes and would be in the same position i was. You could have brought on her depression. You know that old saying "misery loves company"? So there you go blaming her for something that could very well be your own fault :/ Is Depression Contagious? | World of Psychology
oldshirt Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 She was within her right to move on. At it's core, dating is an interview and tryout process where peopl e do things together and get to know each other to determine if that person is the one they want to legally, morally and spiritually commit to and raise a family with. Simply put, being depressed and being a downer and refusing to seek legitimate treatment, you flunked your tryout. You displayed weakness and lack of health, vitality and vigor. Mother Nature only wants the thestrong, healthy and vigorous to breed. In all fairness if she had wrote in here saying that her BF was a doggy-downer and had no sex drive and was too cheap to seek proper treatment and was just bringing her down and refusing to do anything about it, what do you think we would advise her to do?
Author ddspike21 Posted July 22, 2013 Author Posted July 22, 2013 She was within her right to move on. At it's core, dating is an interview and tryout process where peopl e do things together and get to know each other to determine if that person is the one they want to legally, morally and spiritually commit to and raise a family with. Simply put, being depressed and being a downer and refusing to seek legitimate treatment, you flunked your tryout. You displayed weakness and lack of health, vitality and vigor. Mother Nature only wants the thestrong, healthy and vigorous to breed. In all fairness if she had wrote in here saying that her BF was a doggy-downer and had no sex drive and was too cheap to seek proper treatment and was just bringing her down and refusing to do anything about it, what do you think we would advise her to do? I didnt refuse to do anything about it, i dont know where you got that from, and im not "too cheap" to seek professional help, I agree that i obviously needed it, but please dont think that i was "too cheap" not to get it. But thank you for your insight nonetheless. I really appreiciate everyones insight on this but its obviously difficult to explain this or get proper guidance without actually having been in the relationship. But i agree that i should have seeked professional help sooner and it was selfish not too. I am seeing a therapist now though, its only been one session so i guess i'll see how much it helps in time.
SkyWheel Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 I don't even know that I'd consider you selfish in not seeking help--you tried your best with what you had. You were trying. So I wouldn't beat myself up simply because the stuff you tried didn't work. These things happen. Good on you for trying to seek professional help now, and I hope it helps you 1
xilver Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 My ex was diagnosed with depression and has been taking meds for the past 2 years. I never knew until about 6 months in to the relationship and she never told what meds they were even though I asked. I could tell she was embarrassed about it so I didn't pry. Even though she took meds she would still seem depressed. Go out drinking, have to constantly be around others, and though at times I could tell she loved me there were times she would turn on me and it always seemed to be when we were the closest emotionally. I later learned that taken long term, depression meds can alter the part of the brain that deals with attachment in relationships. I don't know how true this is or if this was her issue but be careful and find out about that, whatever meds you take.
giblesp Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 I've lost a girlfriend in the past due to my 'issues.' I've lost girls due to their issues as well. What's happened now has happened. A lot of depression is a refusal to come to terms with the past, learn and heal from it. Now you know that you must and will attend to your own stuff and manage it, for the next lady in your life and yourself. That's what counts. Healing is not an easy path, but it can be very rewarding if you stick to it. Check out forms of exercise such as yoga, martial arts. This helped me greatly.
amkxoxo Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 (edited) Its hard to gauge what to do. My guy is diagnosed and I always thought he expected me to like be a certain way. I'm the kind of person to like jump into action and help. I'm a very caring and empathetic person. One night my guy and I had gotten into an argument because he told me we could hang them decided he was going out with his roommates to a party instead. We talked it out and he revealed a lot of darkness that plagues him. Death hits him hard and he can't handle when people die. Well he still went out with his roommates and I decided to go out for dinner with my roommate. We get there and order our food. I get a text from him saying that "someone I know died back home, I can't." I felt so bad and I tried to be comforting and overly there for him. That's me, and it seemed like he needed me because why would you text me. Well he made it seem like he was back at his dorm, so I made my roommate rush eating and we left straight away to go back. She was mad and was being a b***h about it to me, saying mean things like "he better be dying when we get there." Because I didn't tell her why we were going back because it was none of her business, I just told her he needed me and it was an emergency. She was mean and stopped talking to me. Well come to find out halfway back to our dorm, he is still at the party and he tells me he doesn't want to be there. I offer to have him picked up. I offer to come find him. I tell him to get a ride back and I would be waiting for him to comfort him. etc etc...I told him everything. I rushed back for nothing. He stayed at the party because he wanted to drink to ease his pain. Then why even tell me and make me feel bad for you??? The next day I wanted to see him and he was very standoffish and finally he came over and we watched sports that he loves on tv. He wasn't affectionate at all and very depressed. It made me feel so bad about myself. Depression stinks. giblesp is right. I have noticed that my guy has a very hard time of letting go of past events. People passing away, ex girlfriends, etc... He is always talking about the past. Like I talk about the past, but I think for him its unhealthy. He is always telling me about his past relationships, and I don't mind because he didn't have a lot of friends so they were a big part of his life, but sometimes it started to hurt me because I wanted a relationship from him and we only went steady. He will tell me in detail like wonderful times they had together, or bad times too, and like its too much information. Its like he wishes he felt good like he did when things were good with them. Creeeepppyy Edited July 22, 2013 by amkxoxo
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