Love...a miracle Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Hi friends, I have a simple way of looking at the hope of a second chance: imagine your ex walking into your house right now and seeing you in a desperate state. Would she be attracted to you like back then? If no, then you need to find your groove again. Respect yourself! She would not want to know that you are scheming, planning, praying and crying for her to come back. She would want to know you are gymming, making friends, doing well at work. Ironically, she would want to know that you have MOVED ON. After a break up that left me in agony (was with an incredible girl for 2.5 yrs), in the last while I have lifted myself into doing things I like again (e.g. gym, hiking, socialising). I have begun to live abundantly and be proactive. How have you folks managed to love yourselves again and find that self-respect that you deserve??
TaraMaiden Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Hope contains a zero - and it's a load of hype. That's why, so often, it's preceded by the word 'False'. By al means look at life optimistically, but underpin it with a hefty and healthy dose of realism. I've been on this planet closer to 60 years than 50 - and frankly, been round the block more than a few times. So Life and I have had quite a journey together.... Incidentally, if it matters, I'm Buddhist, meditate regularly and am practically never miserable. Seriously, I'm not. But I have no illusions, no pretensions and certainly no 'Hope' regarding 'Love'. False or otherwise. 1
TaraMaiden Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 And I meant to answer your question! ( ) I have found that when you need to feel love for another person, you have to cultivate double that amount for yourself. Not in an egotistical self-centred way, but with compassion, respect and acceptance. We change, adapt and evolve every day. We are NEVER the same person today we were yesterday; neither shall we be the same tomorrow. Embrace the change and be yourself. Nobody else is better qualified.
BC1980 Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Tara is right. Hope can be dangerous when it comes to second chances. It's great that you are living your life for you, but don't do so to get an ex back. Do it for yourself. Of course, it is more attractive to better yourself than sit in a room and cry all day. I agree. But do it for yourself. You'll be disappointed if you do it for someone else.
todreaminblue Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 by beating myself up constantly...kidding.....i try to take it easy on myself....i am my own worst critic......you are right when you are desperate you overlook the most important factor in a break up....yourself...you do the healing you do the time and heartache you survive everything and get yourself back the person you were before that the ex remembers and suddenly letting you go is not their idea of you moving on...... i have mental illness and my ex didnt know how to handle it......he found it tough......and the tough really did get going when the going got rough......to another woman's bed i have figured out that i want someone to accept me and all my flaws....not just what is fun and good ...but the sadness i feel sometimes or the confusion ....and be there for me through good and bad.......because that is how i will be again...i dont run away when things get rough....i realize i gave more effort time and understanding than i got but thats ok......next time....ill give to someone who can return it...i learned that.....and thats how i got my self respect back.......i dont have to be perfect for someone.......if they truly care then they will accept me ...and my multitude of flaws..:0)......deb
Author Love...a miracle Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 Tara is right. Hope can be dangerous when it comes to second chances. It's great that you are living your life for you, but don't do so to get an ex back. Do it for yourself. Of course, it is more attractive to better yourself than sit in a room and cry all day. I agree. But do it for yourself. You'll be disappointed if you do it for someone else. Yes, excellent point about living it for yourself and not wanting to be feeling great in order to get the second chance. IN ESSENCE, it comes down to this: if there is to be a second chance, or if there is to not be, one must still do the same thing, namely love oneself and live abundantly. Whether the outcome is reconciliation or moving on, the path to those objectives is THE SAME.
Author Love...a miracle Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 by beating myself up constantly...kidding.....i try to take it easy on myself....i am my own worst critic......you are right when you are desperate you overlook the most important factor in a break up....yourself...you do the healing you do the time and heartache you survive everything and get yourself back the person you were before that the ex remembers and suddenly letting you go is not their idea of you moving on...... i have mental illness and my ex didnt know how to handle it......he found it tough......and the tough really did get going when the going got rough......to another woman's bed i have figured out that i want someone to accept me and all my flaws....not just what is fun and good ...but the sadness i feel sometimes or the confusion ....and be there for me through good and bad.......because that is how i will be again...i dont run away when things get rough....i realize i gave more effort time and understanding than i got but thats ok......next time....ill give to someone who can return it...i learned that.....and thats how i got my self respect back.......i dont have to be perfect for someone.......if they truly care then they will accept me ...and my multitude of flaws..:0)......deb I am definitely guilty of imposing my worldviews on my ex and trying to change some of her habits. I did it out of love for her because I wanted her to be happier but I should have been more accepting of her...I have plenty of flaws that I overlooked!
TaraMaiden Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 I am definitely guilty of imposing my worldviews on my ex and trying to change some of her habits. I did it out of love for her because I wanted her to be happier but I should have been more accepting of her...I have plenty of flaws that I overlooked! That's a lie you're telling yourself, by the way. You did it for the fact that you believed she would be the better for it, if she conformed to what you believed would make her a better person. Her happiness with herself as she was, didn't concern you as much as your wanting to be happier with you, by being more like the ideal you wanted. In short, you wanted to improve her to love her better, not to make her love herself better. 1
Author Love...a miracle Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 That's a lie you're telling yourself, by the way. You did it for the fact that you believed she would be the better for it, if she conformed to what you believed would make her a better person. Her happiness with herself as she was, didn't concern you as much as your wanting to be happier with you, by being more like the ideal you wanted. In short, you wanted to improve her to love her better, not to make her love herself better. I lacked relationship experience...My personality of over-analysing everything did not help. I have always been guilty of overlooking my own flaws! I was in love with her. And only I can know that. So thank you for your comment, but I know how I felt about her
TaraMaiden Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 I lacked relationship experience...My personality of over-analysing everything did not help. I have always been guilty of overlooking my own flaws! I was in love with her. And only I can know that. So thank you for your comment, but I know how I felt about her I have no doubts that you knew how you felt about her, or that you were in love with her. But when we try to impose new and improved behaviour on someone else - no matter how much we profess to love them - we are confessing that we believe we'd love them even more 'if they could just'... or 'if they would only'.... Your lack of relationship experience, and admittance of your own flaws made you see yourself in a better light than you saw her.
inaya42 Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 one thing to keep in mind is that the same forces that collaborated to bring an unknown and unanticipated love into your life collaborated to remove that love. we can't know in advance how things will turn out. my ex was the most wonderful surprise and a very dear person to me, and our breakup was heinous; I would have NEVER believed that either of us had it in us to behave so terribly. but such is life. if an ex returns out of authentic love and commitment, s/he won't disappear because you are still a bit blue because she left the first time... 1
Author Love...a miracle Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 I have no doubts that you knew how you felt about her, or that you were in love with her. But when we try to impose new and improved behaviour on someone else - no matter how much we profess to love them - we are confessing that we believe we'd love them even more 'if they could just'... or 'if they would only'.... Your lack of relationship experience, and admittance of your own flaws made you see yourself in a better light than you saw her. Incredible how in retrospect we see so clearly how our conduct manifested in our past. She was a blessing in my life and I am lucky to have been loved by her.
TaraMaiden Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Incredible how in retrospect we see so clearly how our conduct manifested in our past. She was a blessing in my life and I am lucky to have been loved by her. Everyone is a blessing in one's life, no matter what the experience. we are doubly blessed if we were loved by them. 1
catcher Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Everyone is a blessing in one's life, no matter what the experience. we are doubly blessed if we were loved by them. What really helped me, and I am not a religious person, was reading krishnamurti. there are these great interview books. it really is a great way to look at life.
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