lcwilson29 Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 I'm now just over 2 months in from the bomb. Divorce out of the blue. It's very complex anyway as my ex and I own our own business on which we both rely heavily on. Anyway, I thought I was doing well; plenty of time to process feelings, examining my contribution to the breakdown of the marriage. I really did think I was doing okay. I even got past the wedding anniversary without too much pain. In fact, hardly any at all. This last weekend though I decided to go to our holiday home with my brother and nephew. This was partly to spend time with them but also to face the place which held so many happy memories.....for me at least. I didn't think I'd have a problem with it, especially considering I got through the anniversary. How wrong could I be. From the moment I walked in I felt sick, upset. It felt like I'd gone back to the day the news broke. So, I accepted it and thought once I left, I'd go back to the point where I was before. I haven't. I feel like I've taken a massive step backwards. I'm missing her, missing the things we did. I'm missing things I thought I'd addressed by processing so many feelings over the last 2 months. Has anyone had a similar situation? Is it common to take such a big leap backwards?
hayewils Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Hey there, Yes, this is common what you've experienced. Being right around two months in, I would have to say that your not yet really over the emotions. Im at 4 months and although I feel a long way down the road, I do still have trouble, I still have setbacks. I do not go to places we used to frequent. One thing I had trouble with for a long time was to even visit my parents.. Why? Cause my ex and I got married in the backyard of my parents. Ive walked out and stood and looked at the trees, the backdrop. Its a beautiful backyard with a hell of a view. I walked out and stood in the very spot I stood when we got married, why? cause I knew it was a place I would be visiting, it was something I had to conquer and get over quickly. I did this early on, made me sick but I knew I had to face it. Since then, I can go visit my parents and I don't have as much trouble although I still see my ex sitting in a particular chair, her smile, where we danced and laughed. I know its hard to go to those places, but they do fade, things do become easier. Keep your head up..
hayewils Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 I don't know if its the first time you've been back since, "the bomb". What I do know is you've now taken the brunt of those memories. You've put some different memories in there. Next time will still be difficult but one thing is, she shouldn't be ever going there right? so its something that you can go to and overcome in the end and in the long run. Its a place of your belonging, you should go again immediately so you can overcome that pain. I say go back and take a lot of people with you and party your ass off..
Author lcwilson29 Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 Thanks hayewils. I had arranged to go back with my brother next weekend but after my emotional reaction, I was going to cancel. You are right though....replace the memories. I think I found it more difficult as we were going right up until she filed for the divorce. We met my parents there and even they commented on how happy we seemed.....then 2 weeks later......It's odd though as I'm finding it easier living in the house we shared for 7 years than go back there. Can't work it out. I'm really mad at myself for going backwards though. I really thought I was making good progress until I arrived. I must have been pretty bad company. Going to bed was a nightmare.
hayewils Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 As I said, take a bunch of friends, party your butt off. replace memories hard. My STBXW lived in my house right after I bought the house. I bought it in 2007, she and I had already met. then she moved in in 2008, we married in 2009. It has been hard being in my own home. Especially going outside and seeing all the plants. The plant were all planted when she and I were together. Everything was done while we were together. It was hard for me to even be here after she left but, its my home. I never spent any time in it really with nobody around. My kids have now grown, ive got a 16 year old son here, he has been just a big help to me and our time together and alone has been really great. Ive connected with my son, and other children that I never imagined. Things will get better. keep your head up and hit that place hard! Have a great time, its amazing how soon those old memories will be replaced. Unfortunate but, for your own well being.
hayewils Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 I can go on and on with this subject. I want to add, why? Why should we, the betrayed spouse be the one to suffer. The other made a choice, without our thought, without our suggestion, without our knowing. We were thrown into the trash pile for burning as far as they are concerned. You should not, as the same for me, stop our life, our happiness just because they decide to be quitters. My STBXW walked away, would not respond to anything I said. Changed her phone number, blocked me on facebook, ridded all my family, changed her name back to her maiden. Talk about hurt me.. She refused to even give me the time of day but now, she has s hefty tax bill and feels a need to include me cause she is claiming I owe half.. BULLPOOP! The way I see it is, all of my responsibilities, all of my obligations as a husband and supporter left with her they day she decided to leave. You also do not have any obligations, they made the decision to go somewhere else. You and I do not have to stop enjoying our life..
Author lcwilson29 Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 Wise words hayewils. I'm not going to claim I had no part in the relationship failing. I argued. But I also tried to suggest counselling. I tried to encourage her to drink less and live more. I suppose the holiday home was part of that. I wanted her to be happy. It seemed it was working. She'd come for long walks with the dog, chill on the beach. Things looked like they were improving. She threw it all back in my face and ignored our marriage vows. 'For better for worse'. Now I've been discarded like an old toy. Blocked facebook. Friends told all kinds of one sided stories. I still can't believe someone can switch at the drop of a hat, that they can treat someone who wanted the best for them like a piece of sh*t. The worst part is we have our own company and have to work together in the short to medium term. The company I built up from scratch. She's even trying to push me out of that, turning staff against me, undoing everything I've worked for 24/7 for 7 years to create. I can only hope that one day, someone does the same to her so she can feel just how painful it can be.
hayewils Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 I also tried to "fix" things. Working together is hard. My STBXW met where I worked 7 years prior to her coming in. The only suggestion I have for you as far as working together, just focus on your tasks. Focus only on what you have to do for what you have built. Who cares what the others think, or that she is trying to turn everyone against you. YOU! Be the stronger one and show no emotion, show no reaction, cause in the end, everyone will see who exactly what and who the problem is. You just keep it all business, all professional. I could care less who thinks what. As for "For Better for Worse" It means nothing to some. Ive told my wife the same thing, It means nothing. I also someday she gets her heart filled with misery and pain and I have prayed for God to forgive me of my feelings but, some deserve to learn. I just hope that going through this it actually makes my ex better person who realizes, marriage is not something you can just throw away, this Is not a date.. A marriage is work, not from you and me alone, it does include the other side . I do have my faults as well, but we cant do anything with our faults alone.
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