Layzie1207 Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 My girlfriend and I were going out for 3 years, and she loved me to death for a very long time. I was immature and took her for granted and treated her badly, and for a long time she wasn't happy in our relationship, but I did love her I just didnt know what it meant. My first week in college she called and said that she wanted to break up with me, and I couldnt take it at all. I refused to believe it was over and I fell desperately in love with her. I realized how much I loved her and how I realized that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. She always wanted me to feel this way about her and I finally did, but instead of seeing how much I loved her she truly didnt love me anymore. She said she had a revelation that she didnt love me in a relationship way anymore after a long time of waning feelings. I tried everything to get her to love me and showed her how much I loved her by doing everything I could, but she couldnt force herself to love me and now she wants me to move on. She wants me to not think that its going to happen with her and she wants me to move on from her, but she still wants to be best friends. I didnt realize that i was actually being dumped until about 2 months after this all started and everyday I would freak out and she was too scared to tell me the truth, and I just kept pushing her far away to the point where she is terrified of me. I realize now exactly what she wanted from the beginning which was for me to let go of her, but I really didnt believe she wanted that, I thought she wanted me to change into loving her, because she loved me like I love her now for a very long time, and I am having a hard time grasping why she doesnt want me now that I am the way she had always dreamed I'd be. I realize that if i ever have a chance with her again is that if I move on and am a whole person and healthy again, but I am having a very hard time moving on because I cant believe that I started loving her like this and now she doesnt want me to love her. She said that she wants to have an amazing friendship with me after I've moved on from her, but right now I only see myself moving on in order to get another chance at a relationship. I see myself saying to myself, 'ok, if you get better and become the friend that she wants and be her best friend in the entire world, and be her friend to be her friend, then its only a matter of time until she falls in love with you again." I keep thinking that but I also feel like im setting myself up, but I am heartbroken because I never got a chance to love her feeling this way and I hate myself for taking her for granted for so long. I also think about her loving me and our most intimate moments and her doing that with someone else and it just kills me, and I dont understand why she can't love me now that I am like this. But I know that I would have never changed into this person unless she did break up with me. Please help me sort out my feelings, because I dont know what to do and Im scared that the only way I am going to get better is to bank on the fact that if Im her best friend she will fall in love with me again. I want to move on, but I still want to move on in a way that I still want to be with her, while being ok not being with her.
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 26, 2004 Author Posted October 26, 2004 after reading many of the posts on here, i feel like some of you are already my best friends and i havent even gotten any responses lol, there is a lot more to the story than just this, but im sure i can see a sun in the clouds if i get as much support as i see other people get, i am very excited at the possibilities of what i see and i hope you give as much time and energy on my post as you do on other posts, and i will be eternaly grateful.
Mundy Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 Give her the space she needs and see how time can change things. You can't make her love you. That has to be a decision made by her. Just try and fill your day with things to do. Don't let yourself think of her, i know that is easier said than done. You can do it. I have done it in the past six weeks. Although i was with my g/f for only a year i loved her. We still are good friends now and i am patient enough waiting for her so that we can get back. The ball is her court now as such. Be strong
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 26, 2004 Author Posted October 26, 2004 for 2 months i was doing the begging, trying to force her to love me game. everytime shed try to tell me id flip out and go absolutely insane and she couldnt tell me because she was too scared of hurting me. i finally realized two days ago that she didnt love me anymore. the last time i saw her we got into a really big emotional fight and we were both going crazy, and we were just like screw it, lets enjoy teh weekend and we hung out for the entire rest of the weekend and just had a lot of fun and had very very emotional talks and then we hugged and she whispered into my ear, "your the perfect guy". and we were supposed to email each other once a day as friends, but i still hadnt realized that she just was dumping me but couldnt because i was going crazy and obsessing. then i saw what she wrote to a friend, and she basically said "i dont want him to think its going to happen anymore, i want him to move on from me, i want him to be happy and healthy and i want to be happy, i want him to let go" then asked if she ever considered feeling old feelings for me she said "i dont think i could ever have those feelings again for him, i mean seriously, how could i, im terrified of him" and thats when i realized all my begging and hurting myself and going insane which i thought would make her see how much i loved her was just pushing her farther away and that i realized i had to stop and get over her. but i dont think im getting over her as much as im ok with not being with her. but she even said taht she wants to be my best friend in the entire world and have an amazing friendship with me. i just have a lot of thoughts of her being with other people and if i screwed up something that could have been by acting the way i have the past 2 months.
jcweik Posted October 27, 2004 Posted October 27, 2004 Buddy, you can't make anyone love you, no matter how hard you try. And begging will just push them further away. I know its hard, believe me i do, but you have to cut off contact with this female and work on yourself. Why did you treat her bad in the first place, thats what i had to ask myself. It came down to my self esteem. When i was 14, i started to date this girl. When i was 15, i got her pregeant. When she was 6 months in, i walked into her house (like i always did) to find her having sex with another man. I since moved on from that (although it lowered my self esteem.) I moved away, when i was 17 i met and fell in love with my most recent ex. We went out for 3 years and i was very mean to her, on the account of my self esteem. If i didnt see her everyday i would get mad, extremely mad. if she wanted to go some where i didnt, she wouldnt not go. We did what i wanted to do, all time. I didnt feel comfortable going anywhere with her because i felt if i did i would lose her. I didnt want the world to see her,because i thought someone would come along and take her from me. All of this on account of my self esteem being low. After she dumped me, i started to go to the gym. I worked my ass off to gain my self esteem back. Now, out of the blue she calls me, 4 months later. Telling me we should hang out, telling my sister that she still loves me. My point being, you have to find out why you were so mean to her, maybe it was the same thing that it was for me. Work on that. I also advise you to stay away from her. if you like her alot, being with her, and not being able to touch her will get to you, as it did with me.
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 27, 2004 Author Posted October 27, 2004 i treated her badly i think mostly because it was my first relationship and i just took everything for granted. she is the only girl i had ever been with and i just had more fun than actually participated in a relationship. instead of talking with her and comforting her, i basically just wanted to have fun and do physical things. i begged for 2 months and i am very scared i begged so much that i pushed her away for ever, but i am very hopeful that rebuilding our friendship can rebuild that trust and not have her scared of me. she is too nice of a person and she couldnt hurt me so she couldnt tell me the truth, and it jsut dragged things on. even when i was with her i couldnt look at her without crying because i missed her love so much. i know i love her, but by begging and cutting myself in front of her i fear that i have pushed her too far away. i just pray that she realizes that i didnt know how to react and i didnt even realize i was being dumped, i thought she was just confused about how she felt about me and i couldnt see the truth and she couldnt tell me the truth for fear of my reaction. i just hope she can forgive how i acted for those 2 months and wish i could have let go the first day because i love her, its killing me right now that she might be thinking shes still scared of me.
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 27, 2004 Author Posted October 27, 2004 today i got really sad because a month ago during our breakup we had a passionate moment, and she looked me in the eye and said that i have to be the first person she has sex with. now a month later she says she doesnt think she could ever love me again in a relationship way. lately all i can think about is her doing some of the very personal physical stuff with someone else and maybe even having sex first with someone else. can anyone help me with coping with that possibility because its just constantly eating me up on the inside.
chicothechimp Posted October 27, 2004 Posted October 27, 2004 One of the healthiest (but most difficult things) to do is to completely give up any ties to this person emotionally for the present time. Why? Because you will literally go crazy asking yourself if she is with someone else in a sexual situation. People respond to stress in different ways. Some act out sexually. Some withdraw into a cave of isolation. Others simply remain confused or else just don't get sexually involved with anyone for a season until their head clears out. I simply had to come to the state of being honest that some dude could try to seduce my ex=GF and get her laid... but that has never been ehr style and I think she is way to grounded to just plunge stupidly into something like that... that being said, always prepare emotionally for the worst option... that way it is all uphill from there... some people do screw around right after a break-up... but a good number of them regret it in hindsight... yes, you care for her... but you must also let her be free to re-evaluate things freely... that would be my advice. How are you doig with all this? Chico
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 27, 2004 Author Posted October 27, 2004 she is the last person on earth that would ever jump into a sexual situation. that being said if she was ever with someone sexually, then i know how much she must love them like she used to love me. it just seems like when we were laying there looking into each others eyes and she whispered that to me, "you have to be the first person i have sex with" it seems like she forgot all those feelings and is just pushed away by my obsessive and clingy behavior, which i have vowed to change and respect her space etc... i just hope she thinks about the good time as well as the bad times when looking back. i dont know what to think because right now if she truly will never love me again (i also think her statement was said in the heat of the moment) then i will not be the first person she has sex with. its also very hard for me that she might actually think she could do stuff with someone else and not me and that shes ok with me doing stuff with other people. also, she is the only girl i have ever kissed including farther stuff, she kissed people before me, but nothing more with anyone else.
Think too much Posted October 27, 2004 Posted October 27, 2004 I really do feel for you. Like many of us here I am going through the same painful process of trying to put my life back together and move on after an ex. I wish there was something I could do to take your pain away. Unfortunately it will take time for your broken heart to heal. Try to stay positive. Try to stay busy. I found it helpful to keep a journal. Every time thoughts of my ex pop in my head I remind myself that I can not control who wants to be in my life and I can not control who loves me. He is the one missing out. It will get easier with time. Good luck. Hang in there. Vent to us... it helps to talk to people that know how you feel.
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 27, 2004 Author Posted October 27, 2004 right now i fear that the only way im getting over the situation is to remind myself that the only way i ever have a chance with her is if i get better and become normal again. at the same time i fear im setting myself for a lot more heartbreak. everyone says move on or get over her or let go. right now i find that physically impossible and i dont know what to do, im starting to panic.
Think too much Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 If you truly love her look at this breakup as a positive thing... if you had not broken up you would have never realized how much you really cared and you would have continued to treat her terrible. No one deserves to be treated bad especially the person you love. Learn and grow from this experience. Try to improve yourself because you truly want to. Don't do it for anyone else but yourself. I think you are better off focusing on healing your broken heart rather than winning her back. If you take the time to do this and if your relationship with her is really meant to be your hearts will find each other again.
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 28, 2004 Author Posted October 28, 2004 i totally agree with that statement and i really do believe that. i just fear that the way i acted during our break up will turn her off forever. because there were good and bad thigns about our break up. i told her the nicest things any human being can say to another about how much i loved her and we had some amazing moments when i looked her in the eye and told her i loved her. but when i did that adn she couldnt love me back i became hysterical and obsessive in that moment. i regret those actions so much but im scared that looking back shes only going to look at the bad things instead of all the positive things about me, because i think thats what shes doing right now. saying to herself that im crazy and obsessed and that i need to move on, jsut to help her feelings of getting over me. i just pray with time she can look back and see the good things that happened, but i dont know what to think.
Think too much Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 When a relationship ends people do not forget about the good times. They have made you who you are and you can't forget that. In the begging some dwell on the bad because that is their way of coping with the breakup. It's easier for people to hold anger rather then hurt. Only she knows how she feels but if she is thinking about the bad then it's temporary. It will not always be all that she thinks about. Please concentrate on yourself. Stop worrying about what she is thinking. It won't get you anywhere. Stop beating yourself up over this. It sounds like you have a low self esteem. Do you?
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 28, 2004 Author Posted October 28, 2004 the weird thing is i have a very high self esteem, i just have a hard time trusting her mind if that makes sense. and i am very worried that my actions for part of the 2 months has erased all the love that i showed her and the love that i have for her. it is very important for me that during our break she knows how much i loved her and how id do anything for her, and have her think that im a good person, instead of thinking im crazy and obsessed.
Think too much Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 We all would like our exes to remember us in a good way. My ex treated me terrible when we split. I am angry at him but even with the anger I still think about the good times. I would find it hard to believe that someone would not think about or remember the person they loved and shared such good times with. She probably has a broken heart because of the way you treated her. I would write her an email explain to her why you did what you did and apologize. Tell her how much you care for her. Then give her time. She is the only one that can decide if she can forgive you. If she does that's great. If not it was not meant to be.
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 28, 2004 Author Posted October 28, 2004 i thought that if i could show her how much i loved her than i could make up for taking her for granted for so long. the thing i couldnt get through my head was the fact that she had wanted me to love her so much for so long and the instant i finally do she wants nothing more than for me to forget about my feelings.
Think too much Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 There are a lot of people that take things for granite and do not realize or appreciate what they had until it's gone. I hate to say it but you might be too late. If you truly love her you need to respect her decision. If she wants to be with you again she will but it will take time. If you keep bothering her against her wishes she will get annoyed. Express your thoughts and feelings then give her time. You made a mistake. You are human. Learn from this. Better yourself.
Think too much Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 I am sorry I was not more positive. I am the wrong person to be offering advice on this.
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 29, 2004 Author Posted October 29, 2004 its ok, i have been hearing the harshest advice you can hear. some of her friends say to me SHE IS NEVER GOING TO LOVE YOU AGAIN WHY DONT YOU UNDERSTAND THAT GET OVER HER, so that is nothing lol.
YogaGirl Posted October 29, 2004 Posted October 29, 2004 I am sorry that you are going through this pain. Someone I loved very much and dated for 4 years treated me badly. I broke up with him. I also started dating someone else. My ex did all the begging/letters/flowers/gifts to get me back. None of that mattered to me. It was how he behaved over the "longhaul" that I was wanting to see. I respected him more when he went about his life and made good on his offer to get his act together. My point is, the best thing you can do is to focus on yourself. Occasionally let her know that you are thinking of her but never in a needy way. When I saw my ex having a good life and not obsessing about me, it made me think that he was getting healthier. I was then free to step back and take a look at who he really was. Whenever we had contact, I found myself "testing" him to see if he was going to hurt me again. He always kept his cool, wasn't pushy, and always made me feel special to him. In my humble opinion, this is the best way for a girl to feel loved. All the begging doesn't mean much if the change doesn't really occur. Good Luck to you.
chicothechimp Posted October 29, 2004 Posted October 29, 2004 ... you seem to have done the right thing, YogaGirl... ironically, you don't really say if you got back with your ex-BF or not ;-) as long as people know the difference between a 'test' and 'mind games' ... a 'test' centers around care/character... 'mind games' center around control/weakness... men will often bull$hit a woman is they can out of defensiveness at times... many women know this and thus use 'tests' as a means of seeing if a man has/will put his words into action... if she really didn't give a whoot she wouldn't give the test... mind games center around people who are obsessed with revenge, pity, weakness or regaining and forcing/exercising control... this people are often still very hurt but are perhaps too immature to know what else to do... the instinctively want to do some soul blood-letting so that their ex-GF/BF (via mind games) will experience some of the same pain that they have had to deal with... YogaGirl, how much time went on beofre you let your BF contact you again? Did he date duting that time? Did you have a sense that he would return and try to earn your respect and affections again? All the best! Chico
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 29, 2004 Author Posted October 29, 2004 chico those are some very good questions and i would love to hear their answers. as for your comment yogagirl i really really appreciate it because anytime i hear something like that it helps me focus on what i have to do to better myself and in the long run know what i have to do to even have a chance to get back with her. i think many of the "tests" she does is just human nature. its not like she thinks before hand to see my reaction, i think its just more a natural human reaction to see if im doing ok. it just sucks to know that nothing can be fixed for a long time but the time is necessary. please keep posting because i probably read the entire thread a couple times a day to give myself reminders and pick me ups.
YogaGirl Posted October 30, 2004 Posted October 30, 2004 My ex took me for granted in a big way. I am not sure that I was really all that healthy during that time, meaning I had co-dependent tendencies otherwise I would not have put up with it for 4 years. Example: I trained with him to do a marathon in Hawaii but when he went to do it, I didn't hear from him for 2 weeks. Yet he expected me to pick him up at the airport. The pictures of his trip showed him with several women he met over there. It just was hurtful. This is a mild example but I am offering this type of "little" thing that eventually adds up to the point you just have to say "enough is enough." When we broke up, it was just because I felt I deserved to be treated as if I was important to him. He seemed to be fine with the break-up until I started dating someone else. Then he started showering me with letters, cards, books, etc. I still loved him terribly and did think about him much of the time even as I started the dating process with the new guy. I would be out having a great time with the new boyfriend but just about everything triggered something about my ex. I will say that in my experience, the new boyfriend offered a lot of fun and excitement but I really just longed for my ex and me to have a healthy relationship. Healthy meaning that I knew how to set boundaries with him and for us to communicate effectively. I just didn't trust that he didn't seem to mind until I started dating. Time went by and my ex moved away. I ended up dating the new boyfriend for 4 years and loving him. My ex would call every 2 or 3 months or so; he would ask about my daughter and offered us help if we ever needed it. He was respectful of me and the boyfriend. He told me that he was in a twelve step program for alcoholism (he never drank at all the 4 years we were together) because he was a "dry drunk". The second year I learned that he was still in the 12 step program and was in counseling. Childhood hurts, hidden alcoholism, fear of abandonment - things we NEVER talked about back when he was taking me for granted. What I meant by "testing" him was trying to determine his motives for calling. I was in a relationship and didn't want to do anything behind my boyfriend's back so I wanted him to respect that. I also didn't know if he really was doing all the changes he said that he was doing. He is a physical therapist with a large caseload and during the 4 years he did date others. Basically, we just checked in with no intention of getting back together. He was someone I cared about but I was committed to the new relationship. NOW - current situation. The "new" boyfriend and I broke up because things just were not working out. I didn't tell the "old boyfriend" for months because I was afraid that I would either "use" him or start something that I didn't want. He did find out though and called me. We have been talking on the phone a lot and even spent a weekend together (friends). I can honestly tell you that we talked in such a way that only true friends who have been through a lot can talk. I am where I need to be and he is where he needs to be. I can't tell you if we will get back together/married/etc. But I do know that I have more respect for him and he for me after all this. I never stopped loving him even though I loved my "new" boyfriend too. Of course life is complicated. I am dealing with the breakup with the last guy and hurting some over that too. I just know that the stage is right for me to get back together with the first boyfriend. Don't know if this helps but my point is that once you have loved someone, you always love them. I thought that maybe my story would help you see that you can not force anything. My ex worked on himself, went to school, kept a job, dated, checked in with me, was respectful of my new relationship and had his heart open to marrying someone else. He didn't wait around for me. He couldn't control anything about what I did, nor would it have helped him to wonder what I was doing all the time. Maintain your dignity and offer her your love and acceptance right where she is. Hope I have expressed my thoughts clearly; I mean well!
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