vla1120 Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Are there any couples out there living together during their divorce? We've been married for 32 years. There has been no intimacy for about the last eight. Our children are grown. I've always been the main breadwinner. He makes enough to support himself, but we need to sort out some finances before we can move out on our own. Right now, there is no animosity. We live separate lives. He is out on a dating site, and I don't care. My only concern is that he'll go after my pension, which will make me feel like I'm being punished for being the responsible spouse, consistently providing for our family all these years while he flittered from job to job with no benefits and no drive to work any harder than he absolutely had to. (Is flittered a word? Lol) I'll admit, I was a little hurt by his profile on that dating site. He said he's looking for someone who is not a workaholic and no overweight women - basically he pointed out all my perceived faults and said he wanted the opposite. So far, I've lost 20 lbs. After I lose another 30, I'll be at my ideal weight. As for being a workaholic, someone has to pay the bills and provide the medical benefits. After about 8 years of feeling like this was as good as it gets, I have some hope for happiness in the future. I hope someone can assure me that it IS possible to cohabitants for about 6 months without it turning ugly. I guess, ultimately, it's up to us.
letsbeotherpeople Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Not quite the same thing, but I lived with my ex-fiancé for six months following our split in a one bedroom flat that neither of us could afford to leave. That taught me a thing or two about life.
Balzac Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Apparently you don't understand marital property law because BOTH "pensions" will come into play.
Author vla1120 Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 (edited) No. I don't understand marital law - never said I did. That's why I'll have a lawyer. Thanks for your "help". I've got it from here. BTW, He doesn't have a pension, so I'll be the only one getting screwed by that stupid law. It's not like he stayed home and kept the household and kids together all those years I was out working my tail off for that pension. I hear men complain all the time about this exact same thing, except their wives DID stay home with the kids - and many times, at their husbands' insistence. Edited July 21, 2013 by vla1120 To add
RAN65 Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 No. I don't understand marital law - never said I did. ..... I hear men complain all the time about this exact same thing, except their wives DID stay home with the kids - and many times, at their husbands' insistence. Nor did not their husbands ask wives to work to support the family not to take the HALF of the husbands pension when it was the opposite way. MARTIAL LAW IS EQUAL FOR EVERYONE GENDER VISE.
zoobadger Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 I unavoidably had to live with my wife (we're separated) for a month or so after I discovered her affair. In a word, it sucked. I've been in my own place for about three weeks now and feel like I'm starting to heal a little bit. The less I'm around her the better I feel. But, we have gradeschool age kids so I can't completely avoid her. Still, waking up in my own apartment has been a real tonic.
Fleur de Lis Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Check the laws in your state. Legally, you might not be allowed to live under the same roof while you divorce. As an example, the state I live in requires a husband and wife to live apart legally separated for a full year prior to getting granted a divorce. If you sleep under the same roof or have sex with each other, the clock resets.
Juls64 Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 vla, I am in a similar situation. Married 27 years, kids are grown, and now we are going our separate ways. My husband did work until about 3 years ago and I have primarily carried us since. He is not in a position to live on his own yet but I hope he will get a job and get it together soon because my patience will only last so long. We have had separate rooms for a few years and while this situation is far from ideal, we make it work because it is necessary for the present time. I would like to start dating again, but have not because I think it would create some hard feelings on my husbands part. We are not in the same place mentally/emotionally as far as getting divorced and I do not want to make this harder on him than it is. I believe it can work for awhile but the key to respect each other's feelings and try to act mature and responsible. It is difficult, but possible.
zoobadger Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Check the laws in your state. Legally, you might not be allowed to live under the same roof while you divorce. As an example, the state I live in requires a husband and wife to live apart legally separated for a full year prior to getting granted a divorce. If you sleep under the same roof or have sex with each other, the clock resets. If neither one of you objects to getting divorced, presumably one of you can just assert that you've been staying at a relatives. Who, but the other partner, would dispute or object to this?
trippi1432 Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 vla - Read your other thread and hope you come back to post but there is a lot of hostility, and well, probably rightfully so. You mentioned on your other thread about surviving breast cancer....that's a major thing in your life and one where you need someone in your life to be caring and compassionate....even when you are not feeling up to par, it's scary and rifled with so many insecurities and fears. You are taking on a lot at one time....but you are a survivor, understandable and time to make changes in your life. It's typically during the worst struggles of our life that we find the person who is supposed to be there for us...well, isn't. Its' a wake up call and expected that anything can tip the scale carrying that alone.
Oberfeldwebel Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 First thing you have to do is not let him define you. You have worked hard, raised a family and home for over thirty years, that sounds like some pretty good qualities to me. Secondly, you need to get healthy, don't worry about the weight per se. Exercise will help with the stress and make a healthier you. Look to change your eating habits of what you are eating, don't try to starve yourself, that is not sustainable. New recipes can be a fun thing to try and again is healthier. Don't worry about his time on the computer looking for his next meal ticket. He seems to have always been self-centered and probably a bit lazy. Keep a low profile and amenable as possible during the divorce process. Hopefully he will be so focused on himself that he will forget about the details of the divorce and your attorney can earn his money in court. There is lots of life ahead for you and worthy men that want to spend time with you. Best Wishes. 1
Jstub Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 Living together through a divorce/separation is not a good idea. I did it for a while. I was living downstairs and she was living upstairs - but you cannot avoid running into each other and the occasional discussion that you are trying to avoid. Distance helps a lot with the moving on and actually starting your new life.
Author vla1120 Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 ...for the encouraging words. I'm feeling a little better every day about everything.
Recommended Posts