xsanex Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Hi everyone! Ill try to keep this as short as possible. My ex and I were together for 10 years (engaged for 4). I have a 12 year old daughter that viewed my ex as her stepmom. We owned a house together (still do though she has moved out to stay with her mom). The house is now for sale. My daughter lives in another state with her mother, she visits about 5 times a year. During the course of our relationship, we had arguments like most couples. After I proposed to her, we were both very excited and started working on making arrangements (she even bought her dress). For some reason that I am unsure of, the wedding just never happened. We suffered through 2 miscarriages during our time together. A scary heart surgery for her as well. I supported her fully through all of these things. Over the past year we grew very comfortable. Very hi and bye (I work a night job and she works daytime). I grew impatient with her because our sex life was no longer existent. I would get upset when she would go to bed every night (I was off work) with no interest. Some nights I would storm out of the house and drive around. I look back on it now and realize she was just tired. I was being selfish and controlling when I made my demands. One night we argued about something (can't remember what exactly) and I destroyed a bunch of things of mine in our basement. I have bipolar disorder and raging like that is something I've done ( wish I had never ever done anything like that). About a month and a half ago, she left our house. I believe she initially left to get some space. She only took her clothes with her. When I came home from work the following morning after she left, I called her at her work crying my eyes out. She told me she was going to go a week before she did but I guess I didn't believe her. Now comes the bad part. A few days later, I was home. I called her at work and we had a talk. During the talk she told me that we were broken up. I was under the impression that it was only a break. When she told me this (over the phone), I flew into a rage. Punched holes in the walls and threatened her. I did all of this while having a complete breakdown. Out of fear for herself and me hurting myself, she had the police come to our house and take me to the hospital for evaluation. They sent me home after testing. After that, there has been no incidents. The only thing I did wrong now was text her and call her a LOT. I would ask her to take me back, I've changed etc. She would say shes not coming back, things have not changed. I asked her if she misses me, she said she doesn't miss "this" (meaning the harassment I suppose). About a week ago my family and I went on vacation. I texted her and asked if she would watch our cat (we had two cats and a dog, she kept the dog and gave me one of the cats. The other passed away). She agreed and in text seemed in good spirits. We left and I didn't text her for a week. While we were gone, her family left for vaca as well. I texted her saying I hope she has a great vaca, no response. When we got home from vaca, I texted her asking about the house, no response. Here is the sad part. My daughter, who has always been close and always texted my ex, sent her a text. No response. Why would she do that to a 12 year old that worships her??? Now, today, I am still NC. I figure its over since she is no longer communicating. It's my fault. I messed up over and over. My daughter goes home in a couple of weeks then I don't know what I'm going to do. She has pulled me through this. 10 years, gone...... Please, any help or info or comments are so appreciated. Thank you!!!!
Mr Scorpio Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 So sorry to hear about your situation. Most any breakup in painful, but a breakup after ten years? Wow. It sounds as though you've already gone through the worst of it, given that she left the house over a month ago? Are you able to maintain a decent diet and sleep schedule? Those things are important for your mental and emotional health. Now, the first thing that caught my eye from reading your post is that you were engaged for four years. Making an eternal vow to someone is not to be taken lightly, so waiting can be a good thing. OTOH, it also isn't something that a lot of people put on the shelf. What was your role in delaying the marriage? Did you have cold-feet? Did your BPD play a part? On the face of it, it sounds like the two of you simply drifted apart. As I'm sure you know, relationships take work and time. Having opposite work schedules certainly doesn't help. Was she coming home to an empty house? I can see how years of that could wear a woman down. How are you doing outside of the relationship? Are you financially secure enough not to have to worry about where you're going to live? Are you getting exercise? Do you have insurance that would allow you to seek therapy if you so choose? Have you worked out the details with selling the house (who sets the price, proceeds split 50/50)? Are you getting exercise? Do you have constructive hobbies to keep you busy? Above all else, welcome aboard, and keep posting. 1
Author xsanex Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 As far as the wedding goes, we were both just so busy it's like we weren't even thinking about it a few months after the engagement. I am having good days and bad days as far as diet goes. I sleep well but wake up with my heart racing thinking of her. I have been trying so hard to shake it but I keep getting these reoccurring thoughts that she will come back one day. It kills me
Combo Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Sounds like you guys have been unhappy and drifting apart for a long time. Your anger issues and raging and breaking things sounds quite serious, and the pattern of being destructive in response to stress instead of constructive was probably a theme that played out in other areas. You both deserve to be happy and it doesn't sound like there was a lot of that. Sounds like the relationship dragged out a lot longer than it should have. My guess is you'll both be a lot happier apart. 1
Author xsanex Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 Thanks. I'm sure she is happier but she was my everything. I'm in a weird position right now where I lost my fiancé and I'm about to lose my daughter. In the past, when my daughter went back to her mothers, my ex was the one to pull me up. Now I am very bummed. I've had some very deep bouts of depression since this all happened. Suicidal thoughts. Scary
Ashlaria Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Thanks. I'm sure she is happier but she was my everything. I'm in a weird position right now where I lost my fiancé and I'm about to lose my daughter. In the past, when my daughter went back to her mothers, my ex was the one to pull me up. Now I am very bummed. I've had some very deep bouts of depression since this all happened. Suicidal thoughts. Scary Hey there, I am sorry to hear your sad story, 10 years is a long time to invest in anything that appears to have come to nothing. I guess the thing I'd like to address is your suggestion of suicidal thoughts. My son is 14 and 2 years ago one of his school friends Mum attempted suicide. As a single parent, she had full responsibility for him and his older sister and tried to check out. Please stop for one minute and think about how that made my sons friend feel. The only parent he has tries to kill themselves. How would your daughter feel if you really did that? What does is say about how much she means to you? If you are genuinely feeling that low, then you really need to speak to someone. If you do not have a friend you can confide in then please speak to a doctor. Remember 'this too will pass' you have got this far in life, dig deep and you will get passed this too. I hope you find your peace 3
Sneaky Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 I don't have much advice and I feel under qualified to hand any out at all in this situation but I wanted you to know that I feel for you. What little I do know is that it's okay to seek outside help if needed and that you shouldn't entertain these dark thoughts. I hope things improve for you. 1
coffee Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 10 years is a long time to be in a relationship and have it end. I feel for you, and I think you need to seek professional help. You spoke of others pulling you through. When your daughter left, you always had your girlfriend to pull you through. When your girlfriend left, you depended on your daughter to pull you through. It's not good to put that much emotional baggage on a child. You need to get help so you can build your ability to handle stress without depending on others or destroying things. Also, if you are having suicidal thoughts, you need to get help immediately. I hope everything works out for you because you really do deserve a great life. Please hang in there. One thing about trouble, it doesn't last. 1
Author xsanex Posted July 22, 2013 Author Posted July 22, 2013 Just wanted to clarify that my daughter is not aware that I rely so much on her. It's all inside my head that I need her to help me. She thinks I'm solid as a rock (that's how I act). I would never let her know how much she helps me out (too much pressure for a child). Also, my thoughts on suicide are very come and go. I have ideas on what to do once our house sells (moving to a new area, etc.) but I start thinking I won't find work or friends. Dreadful thoughts. I hate that my brain works this way. I am on meds and have seen my dr since my breakdown. He is not a very good therapist and I felt worse after the visit than before. He just gave me a bunch of meds that have doped me up and sent me on my way... Thank you all for responding. I feel love here. 1
coffee Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 I'm a social worker, but I would never offer treatment over an internet site without meeting a person. I can, however, give you some generic tips. 1. I'm sure you are very lonely, and will be when your daughter leaves. Find an organization that needs your help and jump right in. Even if it's only 2-3 hours a week, it will make a huge difference. What will volunteering do? Even though it provides service to others, when you volunteer it becomes about you. There are so many unfulfilled needs in society, volunteers are really cherished. You need to feel cherished, and others really need your help. Why not kill two birds with one stone. I'll bet you will even make some more friends. 2. Go back to your provider and tell him that you don't feel the medicine is helping. I don't know how long you have been on your meds, but sometimes they can take up to 8 weeks before you begin to feel a difference. It just depends on what you have been prescribed. Also, ask if you can have a combination of meds and talk therapy. The two combined are the most effective form of treatment. If you can't afford treatment, search on line for depression mental health forums. There are many people who experience what you're going through, and you can find some very supportive folks. 2. Be sure that you are taking a good multi-vitamin, a good B-Complex supplement, an Omega3 supplement, and a magnesium supplement. If you are deficient in any of these, it's easy to experience depression or BPD cycling (outbursts). 3. Eliminate sugar from your diet. Eat less carbs. Replace these depression boosters with chicken, fish, turkey, and occasionally pork. 4. Walk for 30 minutes every day. Get those feel good endorphins working! 5. Get in touch with your spiritual side. I don't know what you believe, but faith heals and prayer works. Wishing you peace 1
Author xsanex Posted July 22, 2013 Author Posted July 22, 2013 Well. Today I am having horrible panic attacks, anxiety, shortness of breath and even diahrea. I can't eat. I have almost picked up the phone and called her twice. Didn't do it though. I even thought about driving to her work so she would have to see me. Won't do that either. God help me. Give me the strength to overcome this. I love her so much. I would give anything to see her. What do I do with myself????!!
Lost_Soul_86 Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Xsanex im so sorry for what your going through and i felt like i needed to comment on this as i too have recently gone through a breakup of 9 years (all his doing) I was shocked, devastated, my whole world had crumbled around my feet, my heart literally felt as if it had exploded into a million tiny pieces. I'm 5"10 and weigh 61kgs, i went down to 55kgs i was basically a walking skeleton. I couldn't eat or sleep every thought and every dream was about him. My life revolved around him. And hear i am 5 months on still alive, still breathing, slightly happier and moving on with my life. I admit its really hard and the tough times that you will face haven't ended just yet, but just remember there is light at the end of the tunnel no matter how dark your world seems to be right now it WILL get better trust me. Please stop the next time your having these thoughts and think about the devastating effects suicide would have on the people around you that love you - your daughter especially. Nothing hurts more than being disappointed by the single person you thought would never hurt you, but someone who really loves you, sees what a mess you can be, how moody you can get and how hard you are to handle will still want you in their life. Don't waist your love on someone who doesn't deserve it. Chin up it will get better!
RaidDolEm78 Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Hi XSaneX.....I, too, also feel the need to comment because our situations are so similar. Mine was a seven year relationship, which he ended for no reason. I also have a child(a son) who saw him as a father. However, I am only two months into the breakup, and am feeling the same way you are. I know things are bound to get better(at least people tell me they will),but its just so hard to believe right now. One day at a time is what I keep telling myself. I haven't been shedding as many tears as I was even two weeks ago, so that is some sort of progress. I do agree with the others, that you have people who care for you, and I am sure your daughter thinks the world of you.
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