Just Want Him To Be Free.....

[Acafe]

Hello everyone! I'm quite thankful in finding this forum site, as I'm so desperate to hear from other peoples minds about this problem that's bothering me for a long time.

 

I have this relationship with a Guy, same age as me. His marriage is not actually legal as he was married before, in short he's got 2 families, but this is not important to me. I consider him married to the one he is with now, legal or not, they live as family and he comes home to them each time he needs to be home and they're the one declared as his family in his job abroad. And this 2nd family that he's afraid to leave. I too is working abroad but not same country as his. We have a long distance relationship (LDR) for 4 years now.

 

His relationship with his wife is abnormal. She's cold with him. From the facts I gathered from him about his wife, I can say that she really don't love him on the real meaning of LOVE where we cuddle, snuggle, holding-hands, joke & laugh together & makelove (not just sex). I think at first, she was just obliged to live with him because she was already pregnant. Second, she thought she loved him & her feelings on him changed when they already lived together. Third & last, his children from the first marriage made her feelings towards him grow cold, as she can't accept how close he is to his children. Though she is perfect as a mother to their only son. They see each other only twice a year for a maximum of 2 weeks, and at this time, you can't believe how rare sex is between them. She always have alibis so she can't have it with him, but there are times that she can't ran away anymore so he had it with her, she enjoyed it too but he felt it lacked love-feeling or heat. This always turn him as he wanted even just a kiss, a cuddle or a hug after they do it, but as always she just turn her back on him. They're like strangers living in the same roof, always serious in conversations. He felt he is not himself when he's with her. He's only consolatioin is his son. (I'm sure you will think that he's just making-up this stories about his wife like any other men having an affair, but I know this man since High School and I can say, he's not that kind.)

 

I told him (not because I want him for me, but for his ownself) to try talk with her all about his sentiments, what he had noticed in her that he finds abnormal for a couple. He said he had already talk this with her before, when she and their son was still living with him (she was also working in the same place with him) abroad. But after that talk, there was no changes at all. They decided that she and their son go home to our country for the boy's education.

 

Though he is willing to talk again with his wife but he's afraid for the outcome of the conversation as he don't want the problem to affect his son's studies. He's 14yrs. old now. I have told him that his boy is old enough to understand everything. It only depends if both of them cooperate in letting the boy understand. Whatever explanation I gave him regarding "letting the boy understand", he insist that he can't tell or let him feel of his parents separation (if he & his wife arrive to that conclusion). He loves his son so much, and he's afraid his wife won't let him see the boy after the separation. Though I told him to assure his wife that financially nothing will change, it's only between him and her.

 

It's not that I'm dictating him on what to do, but I felt that it is much better that he separate with his wife (if there's no more love between them anymore) to set them both free. So that the wife herself can continue with her life, find happiness for herself. And also for his side, I think it is better to separate while they still have no knowledge about me, because it will be very hard for him and especially the boy to accept the fact that his Dad have another woman. For me I think this will be worst than if he moves now. But he insist he can't do that to his son. He said it's not his wife he's worried about but his son.

 

I don't know if I did or said right to him. I know he loves me very much. I just want him to be happy, think of his own happiness now as all the time he's just thinking about his 2 families. His children from the first family is already big ages, 27, 25, & the twins 18. His son from the second is 14. I just want him to be free from his send wife. Anyway their relationship is eversince cold before I came into his life. He told me that eversince he had me, even just a chat in the internet makes his gloomy and lonely days abroad exciting and full of energy. Even his sister told me that eversince I came into his life, he's already looked alive, he now laughs aloud. He confess to me, that with me he felt at home, he can move as he want and live as he is as a human being. I know, because with me he has no inhibitions, nothing to be afraid of, no child that will make him worry. Actually we could have had one but I just thought that it isn't right, it will cause me my job and will add more problem to him. I don't want the child to suffer just to make us both happy.

 

I'm thinking to quit on him if he really can't be free. I'll just wait for him "outside the fence."

 

Will I be doing the right thing?

[hulavie]

My dear... you sound like you are a very intelligent woman who has a great big loving heart. From what I can gather from your long story, he's been married twice. That's a lot of baggage to carry into a third relationship. You however seem to be waiting for him to break free from all this and just be with you only, am I right?

 

You are wonderfully sweet in being so thoughtful in considering all possible options for him and for his kid, but should such a nice person as you be giving up so much to wait on a man who has married twice before.

 

A lot of times the married party will give promises like what he is doing, giving you hope that one day he will break free from everyone else and just be with you. Question is, does he really mean it?

[Acafe]

Thank you for the reply Hulavie.

 

Yes, he's been married twice. He was already separated from the first before he got into the 2nd. They got married in USA just before their boy started school as marriage certificates are required fro enrolment.

 

Anyone wants their love only with them. For me, it's not just the reason. Even though we are not together always as we both work in distant places, I just want him to be free. Where there'll be no fear in his heart, where he can move and act as he wants, in short he can be a master of his body, mind and soul. I just want him to be happy. Well, if he will tell me that he's happy and contented with his second wife, so be it. I can accept it. Ridiculous as you may think, but I really wants him to be happy with himself, though it's hurts to hear that but I'm ready to accept it. I did that to my Ex-husband, so why can't I do that to him too? I'm not that kind of woman who thinks only of my own happiness, cause I can't be happy if he's with me in person but his heart & soul is elsewhere, I prefer to be alone instead.

 

"You are wonderfully sweet in being so thoughtful in considering all possible options for him and for his kid, but should such a nice person as you be giving up so much to wait on a man who has married twice before." Thank you for that sweet words. You're really right, that's my sweet & loving character that makes my 2 girls love me so much & my Ex-BF, a Frenchman nearly went crazy when I left him, until now, he's still can't quit on me. I probably pampered him so much. :-) And now, this BF of mine, draw strength from my being with him even only in cyberspace. He's a standout also in numbers of organizations he joins in, that he says, is because of my non-stop encouragement which he didn't get from any of the 2 wives. The 2nd wife prohibits him in joining those organizations, I think I do understand her. She's just afraid someone will know her status as a wife, as until now, it's only her parents who knows the real status of their marriage. Oh, their son knows it too.

 

He's only problem is his 2nd wife. He didn't give any promises. As he said he don't want me to hope for it & be hurt Sometimes it does hurt to know that by not promising, means there's no plan of doing it. His reason is, "we just live our lives day-to-day, wait what the future brings us." That I do believe too.

 

I'm sure he's true to what he tells me but it's just his son that he's worried about. He said, now it's too early for his son to think about his parents separation. It's really up to him. Cause I know, if he can't stand up now, he won't ever. Like what's happening to his first family, where the children fights & blames him each time they're in finacial trouble, as they think that it is because of the 2nd family that their Dad can't support them well. All that happens because of lack of communication & letting the children understand about the situation.

 

I'm not forcing him to make a decision. As much as it isn't fair cheating on his wife, it's not also fair to me, to don't let me go but won't move his ass to keep me also. I wanted him to have his own life, his happiness...but surely I do want my own life too. I will wait for him, but I'm always saying that PATIENCE DO HAVE LIMITS. So I don't close my door to anyone, sorry for him if one day I will just wake-up not wanting him anymore in my life.

[hulavie]

"I'm not forcing him to make a decision. As much as it isn't fair cheating on his wife, it's not also fair to me, to don't let me go but won't move his ass to keep me also. I wanted him to have his own life, his happiness...but surely I do want my own life too. I will wait for him, but I'm always saying that PATIENCE DO HAVE LIMITS. So I don't close my door to anyone, sorry for him if one day I will just wake-up not wanting him anymore in my life."

 

I think you are on the right track with what you said in the last paragraph. It's tough, I am not in your shoes but trying to imagine the scenario happening to me, so my comments have to be limited.

 

Anyhow, I hope things will turn out well for you.

[Acafe]

Thanks once again Hulavie. I'm just praying that this time he'll give me more strength to be firm with whatever decision I will make. You see, I have tried quiting on him many times already but failed. Each time he cries over the phone, I started to melt and so I'm back again.

 

That's why, I closed all communications with him. I know even how much I pray, GOD only knows what's HIS plans for our lives.

[Acafe]

Gosh, I'm n a limbo in here. My BF just called. I thought when I heard his voice to hang-up on him but he didn't wait that I would say a word and started talking about his problem. Problem on his son. Now his son together with his wife is in abroad with him, for just a week or two, and yesterday he said, they had an argument about their son.

 

The boy started to have a GF already and because of that his grades in school went down. Why? He's in a situation where he's excited but afraid his Mom would know (she forbids him to engage in such actions). So, when his Mom noticed his grades going down, she scolded him about it, so he broke-up with the girl. But then she happened to know also that he had a GF & she knows it was the reason for his low grades. So she always nagged the boy each time she noticed a diffrent movement from him.

 

Now the boy moves not the same as before, just so quiet, and his Mom each time she noticed something different from him, she starts to scold him again. And if my Bf talks to the boy, she intervenes in a harsh voice. My Bf though it's not the right way how she handles the boy. She explained to my BF that she's just protecting their son, as she's afraid they would get carried away and get the girl pregnant in a wrong time.

 

I can't help but listen to my BF's lament on the situation. I have my heart on the boy as I have been there. He should be inspired by having a GF and that would make his grades even more higher. I think sometimes parents should attend a child-raising seminar/training too.

 

My promise to myself to quit on him was once again defeated, by just a mere sound of his voice. I'm a weakling especially when he's got a problem. I felt happy knowing that his son is starting to feel the calling of LOVE as that's already the sign of his entering maturity. But at the same time, I felt sad for him, for my BF and for my self. I've once again broke my promise to myself just like the other times.