Hannahh Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Hey guys I just wanted to get everyones opinion on my problem as its been going through my mind for quite a while. So im 19 and my partner is 22, we have been together for 6 years now, we started dating in high school and we basically have spent 24/7 together ever since. my problem is, that i feel like and have been feeling like im not sure if it should keep going with him, i feel a loss in the way ive never gotten a chance to be independant and stsnd on my own two feet. i feel an urge to be single, make new friends and get closer witj my family and then eventually date other guys. I just dont feel like im growing as a person with this guy and i am curious to see what other guys are like. I know my bf would like to spend his life with me and marry me in a few years. He is such a perfect guy and does everything perfect, i love him to death,but the attraction isnt there anymore for me. We have broken up in the past and it was the hardest thing to do and its why im so hesitant to make a move. im happy he is with me but i feel like im missing something and its making me resent him and really just not even try. i hate how reliant i have become on him for support and my happiness. if i break his heart by leaving him, i just know ill be in so much pain. but if i do it now we may have another chance in a few years? Any opinions?
carhill Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Welcome to LS IMO, should you choose to break up now, the odds are exceedingly in favor of both of you dating, mating and eventually LTR/marrying others. Perfectly natural for young people. Also, losing 'attraction' is natural at your age, as you've changed dramatically from the adolescent of 13 to the young lady of 19; same with your BF. These changes continue throughout life but generally at a far less dramatic pace than what you currently are experiencing. Have you met someone else? 3
Author Hannahh Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 Honestly, i was interested in one guy who was an old friend ( and lives in another country) we talked alot and i really enjoyed how different things were. But we ended it because i have a bf and he has a new girlfriend. We knew we just couldnt keep ****ing around our partners and its the right thing to do. I feel guilty but its really made my feelings of wanting to explore with new relationships even stronger. Ugh its hard to end it, what do i even say And i become an extreme mess when i lose him, because we have been eachothers shadow for so long. You say its natural to lose attraction but i dont see that in him? He is always wanting to be sexual with me.
Author Hannahh Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 I dont know how to even begin the conversation of breaking up with him
othersideofthepillow Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Sounds to me like GIGS. You are already emotionally checked out of this relationship and resenting him for anything is selfish and uncalled for. We can tell you all kinds of things to do but in the end you have to make the decision. Just be prepared that the grass isn't always greener..... 1
Shepp Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Just be prepared that the grass isn't always greener..... ^ Too true The only place the grass is truly greener is where you water it!! Obviously you've got to do what feels right in your heart but maybe just try to visualise this single life you crave for what it is, not through roes tinted glasses - you don't want to date a string of guys who treat you bad and don't want to commit to you and then suddenly be 32 and look back and regret it,while he's married with a family! At he same time I feel fir this lad, if our having these thoughts now maybe you should just break up with him an le him find someone who appreciates him and wants to commit to him as much as he is willing to.
Author Hannahh Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 I understand the grass may not be greener, but im not as happy with him as i was and i feel like **** because im not as into the relationship as he is. Is being with the same person your whole life realistic? After seeing my parents get divorced it made me think that most couples dont last forever anyways.
Author Hannahh Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 Its hard to imagine life being single as ive never been single since i was 13 and when we did break up it was only for a few months. Its a frustrating situation I know ill miss him and want him back if he goes but im curious to see what else is out there. i think its best to keep trying with him, maybe the feelings of mine will pass?
denxnis Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 It's hard to admit and feels awkward typing it out but I was in your boyfriend's shoes about 1 year ago. There is no way of coming out of this happy... Best advice I can give you is be 100% honest with him and don't feed him any B.S such as "i don't know" or "maybe one day we'll be together". Sit down, give him the facts. Temptation will always be there and your loyalty will be tested throughout your life no matter who you are with. Just my two cents. Best wishes.
NYC-BigKat Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Hey guys I just wanted to get everyones opinion on my problem as its been going through my mind for quite a while. So im 19 and my partner is 22, we have been together for 6 years now, we started dating in high school and we basically have spent 24/7 together ever since. my problem is, that i feel like and have been feeling like im not sure if it should keep going with him, i feel a loss in the way ive never gotten a chance to be independant and stsnd on my own two feet. i feel an urge to be single, make new friends and get closer witj my family and then eventually date other guys. I just dont feel like im growing as a person with this guy and i am curious to see what other guys are like. I know my bf would like to spend his life with me and marry me in a few years. He is such a perfect guy and does everything perfect, i love him to death,but the attraction isnt there anymore for me. We have broken up in the past and it was the hardest thing to do and its why im so hesitant to make a move. im happy he is with me but i feel like im missing something and its making me resent him and really just not even try. i hate how reliant i have become on him for support and my happiness. if i break his heart by leaving him, i just know ill be in so much pain. but if i do it now we may have another chance in a few years? Any opinions? Very very mean & selfish u are! Why is it always girls that wanna leave a good man & not the other way around? So unfair !
sdraw108 Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Please read this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome
Author Hannahh Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 How am i being mean? Im not a 13 year old girl anymore, im lucky to have what ive got, but i do think ive changed over 6 years. im just scared to take the risk. Is this the best ill ever get and the happiest ill be? I dont knowwwwww
TaraMaiden Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Hannahh, the bottom line is that you can't 'fence-sit' neither can you expect him to, or ask him to. It's either this (with him) or that (going it alone). I'm of the opinion that having changed and developed over the years, you guys have gone from relationship to habit - and guys seem far readier to settle for that, and be content with their lot, to begin with, but seem to stray further down the line. This feeling of malaise and uncertainty seems to strike ladies far earlier. Fine, fair enough, there's a difference, it doesn't make either you or him, better or worse. But what you can't do is to "have a foot in both camps." You either have to completely dismiss seeking what you think you've missed out on - or cut the ties that bind, sever all connections and branch out on your own. There IS NO middle-ground here. Even if you were to come back half a year later with the magic words "I realised I made a terrible mistake", he would never trust you in the same way, and to the same extent, ever again. And indeed - why should he? Remember though, that simply because you want to explore "What might have been" doesn't mean it "might have been" better. But that's the risk you take. Don't take too long to make your mind up. He's going to realise, sooner or later, that he appears to have lost part of you already. 3
hoping2heal Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 I don't think you're being mean and selfish. I disagree with that viewpoint entirely. You went through many life changes from 13 to 19 and you're bound to be a different person. My interests and tastes at 13 years old are damn near polar opposite to what they are now that I'm an adult in my late 20's. I don't think I'm alone in that and you aren't either. I don't think it's unrealistic to think that 2 people could spend their lives together. But, I do think that chance is diminished greatly when the 2 people start out as young kids. You grow and you change and if you have never been able to explore and experience then the time will come when you want to, it's natural. Does that mean that you'll have a better relationship with someone? No, it doesn't. You might never find a relationship like the one you have now but you may also find one better. You're not guaranteed a positive result just because you take the risk but at the same time you might need that risk to grow, to learn, and to be able to appreciate yourself, your life, and your respective relationships. Of course it feels absolutely terrible to hurt someone else, especially someone you have shared so much with. But, that's the risk all of us take when we enter into dating/marital relationships. We all run the risk of rejection and we all run the risk of being dumped. It's painful and awful and it can feel nearly as bad for the dumper as the dumpee. But, in hindsight I think this guy will agree it's better to be dumped than to be someone's pity boyfriend. 4
salparadise Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 (edited) Yea, this feeling you're having about not having had a chance to be independent or date other people would certainly continue to resurface and grow stronger down the line if you stay with him and try to suppress it. You've stated what you believe you want and need in no uncertain terms. You are not ambivalent about that part. You don't want him to suffer, and you fear the uncertainty of not knowing what the future will bring. The hurt is unavoidable, just a matter of now or later, and the future always uncertain. Staying in it when you aren't really in it, or when you know it has to end, is not the wisest or kindest thing. The relationship will deteriorate, resentment will grow. The kindest thing is to end it, be compassionate in explaining why, and pay particular attention to preserving his dignity and leaving only sweet memories for you both to cherish. It takes courage and it won't be easy. Such is life––you have no choice but to keep putting one foot in front of the other and making the most of your time. Edited July 21, 2013 by salparadise
shexy Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 I think you're both so young, that right now isn't really the time to be planning "forever" relationships for either of you.... You're not happy, so why should you continue wasting your and his time? YES, it will hurt him if you break up, but it would be much better to break up now when you're basically still 'kids' (cause I'm old I can say that), than if you end up married with a few kids....THEN the break up will be much worse. Attraction can fade and people can grow apart....it happens. It's happened to you w/your bf, so it's best to just end it. 1
kaylan Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 (edited) Very very mean & selfish u are! Why is it always girls that wanna leave a good man & not the other way around? So unfair ! Dude calm down. Shes a kid. Most young people have a few relationships and need to live life some before settling down. Guys and girls do this. Im glad for the experiences Ive had that led me to being single. I liked all the friends I made in college, and the different women I got to date. I wouldnt give that up to be in a relationship for 4 or 5 years during that time. Those are some formative years, and it feels good to be able to find yourself on your own, with your own two feet. OP, just be honest with the guy. Sometimes relationships run their course. Its rare for young couples to stay together from teen years into adult hood. We all do soooooo much growing. And sometimes people change and grow apart. Thats life, but theres still a lot of good love and good times you had with that person. Sometimes its time to just put things to bed and try something new. I cant believe some of you expect a 13 year old girl to be the same person at 19, and to want the same things she did throughout those years. Hell, I was sure in love with my exes, and thought I could marry both of them...but as an older guy now, I can see how much Ive grown from those younger years. I can see how they wouldnt have been right for me at all, and that staying together wouldnt have been for the best. Edited July 21, 2013 by kaylan 1
FitChick Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 I can't imagine being with any of the boys I liked when I was a teenager. If I had married them I'd be divorced now. Being young is the time to explore all of your options in the world. Get an education, travel, find a good job, move away. I agree that this relationship is a habit and, as you said, he likes the sex. Oh, dear, he will have to find someone else to screw. His problem and not yours. Live your life on your own terms. You are not in your forties. You still have a lot of growing up and learning to do. The worst thing you could do is marry this guy or have kids with him. 1
Author Hannahh Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 I just know if i was to talk about it and try to break it off, he would fight me the entire time for me to stay. There is a feeling like i have to stay because we have been so close and together for 6 years. But i do resent how dependant i am on him, it scares me that this is it. Our relationship does feels like a habit and its like work i feel awful because i do love him
FitChick Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 People are dependent on their parents and love them but they still leave home. He can't force you to stay. You have already emotionally checked out. You could offer to be platonic friends with him, refusing sex. That might actually make him go and find another girlfriend. Are there any other boys in your area who like you and that you find attractive? Let it be known locally that you have broken up and they may approach you. I would give the exact same advice to a guy your age.
white Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Our relationship feels like work You're 19 so I'll explain this to you: that's what relationships are. If you want to be with another person all the time it takes a lot of effort to do. You've learned this early - I'm telling you it won't be any different in future. Worse in fact, because as time goes by there'll be ever more awful responsibilities you both face, more stress, less time, less energy. Good news though; being 19, you should be having a much easier time of it in less committed relationships. You've probably been broken in, in relationship terms, pretty hard after this, so you can bring a level of maturity unusual in someone your age to future relationships that could make you and your boyfriends very happy, with a lot less of the idiocy that plagues young couples. 1
salparadise Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 I would advise her not to try and be "just friends" because they're both going to need time to become unattached and independent. Trying to be friends will leave him stuck. And for the same reason I don't think either one should immediately start dating others. It takes time to work through the mourning process (which should not be avoided), learn to be independent and discover who you are separate from the relationship. This is a 6 year relationship through the entirety of their teenage years. They both should rely on their same sex friends for companionship and social contact for awhile. 1
TaraMaiden Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 I just know if i was to talk about it and try to break it off, he would fight me the entire time for me to stay. Yeah, that's called "using Emotional Blackmail". (Not maliciously, for sure, but he would appeal to your 'compassionate's ide, and you'd be tempted out of guilt. There is a feeling like i have to stay because we have been so close and together for 6 years. Yes, you feel you need to stay because leaving him would give you a guilt trip...Tell me, what would you say to someone who said to you, "I'm staying with him because I feel obliged, guilty for ending it, and sorry for him, because he's hurt by it?" Right. Silly really, isn't it? But i do resent how dependant i am on him, it scares me that this is it. Ending it will be like withdrawing suddenly from a constant drug. But it's something you have to do. And it's something he's going to have to do too.... Our relationship does feels like a habit and its like work i feel awful because i do love him Yeah, of course you do, sure. Like a brother. Not like a lover. You can't plan a future with your 'brother'. 1
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