mearl20 Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 I've been talking to a guy I met in January and I'll admit, I care about him a lot and have a weird connection towards him. I've always felt comfortable around him and feel like he is who I'm supposed to be with. However, I'm not sure how he sees me. In person he acts like we're dating (argue, hold hands, he'll pay for everything, kiss me in public, talk about anything, etc). Even his close friends from years ago tell me (when he's not around) that he likes me. But when we are apart (we live in towns a couple hours away) he barely makes an effort. Recently, I texted him to see how the event he went to was. He had been drinking quite a bit earlier that day and later in the evening he started spilling emotional secrets as well as apologizing for his behavior. It was mainly about his ex girlfriend dating someone else (she broke up with him after 3 years in December). He said no one knows except for me now, and he seemed very upset and sad. I tried comforting him and supporting him and saying I will always be here to listen, etc. I oddly care for him a lot, I haven't known him long, yet I feel so strongly about him (unlike any other guy) and I don't mind helping him and listening to him. Why is he telling me his deep secrets no one else knows? Am I just a friend to him or does he see me as more?
amazingdrummer Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Some people just love to tell their life stories to everybody...
HeartDesires Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 He had been DRINKING quite a bit earlier that day and later in the evening he started spilling emotional secrets I've done that too - to a friend.
RebelWithoutACause Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 He's not emotionally ready to be in a committed relationship. It's obvious. That's why he's not committed to you. Holding hands and paying for dates do not necessarily mean anything serious. He told you whatever he told you that night because he had been drinking and he had become emotional and you were there to listen. I know you feel a "connection" and what not, but you seem to only be a rebound for him. Take a step back and if he really likes you he'll come back when he's ready for a real relationship.
clia Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Why is he telling me his deep secrets no one else knows? Because he was drunk and felt like talking. I wouldn't read anything more into it than that.
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 He's telling you his "deep dark secrets" because he needs someone to talk to and vent...that's it, and guess who's there to comfort him? you are. Then when he doesn't need you anymore for one of his emotional breakdowns then he goes away and does his own thing, because you've already given him what he needs in that moment. He's not really there for you and in contact with you often because he doesn't care about you and your needs, this is just a one-sided situation where you are just supposed to be there when he needs you...all the emotional connection and things you feel is just him spilling his guts because he's a wreck on the inside, but you're just a bucket to catch it, it's not about you as an individual it's about him and what he's going through. He doesn't need you for anything more than that, his true emotions are tied into his ex, you're just a by-product of his emotional sadness and desperation to repair things from that last relationship. He's still not over her and you're essentially a rebound side-thing, except you're not even full-fledged because he's not even using you as a complete distraction and spending all this time with you like it is a relationship he's only acting that way when he is around you...it's feelings and a life he misses with her, it's something he is used to...you're just a substitute. Him paying for you is the essentially the payment for your "services" and providing him with what he needs, that reminiscent companionship...but unless you magically turn into his ex-gf, then you're just a side show, a distraction at best, a way for him to channel those emotions and feelings to because he has to replace her with something. I have no idea why anyone would date anyone fresh out of a long-term relationship, it's got to be one of the most ridiculous fouls that people commit when in the dating world IMO...what that person shows, feels and displays/reflects is not ever entirely about you because they haven't moved past.....the past! Yet a lot of these people actually do end up in relationships afterwards because they are co-dependent and mr/mrs. wounded leg must need crutch to keep moving on because I can't face it alone.
Author mearl20 Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 I do feel like a back up, rebound or emotional crutch, however this past week, his friend asked me when he wasn't around if I like him. Then he said he's a good guy and good boyfriend. Then he said he gets attached and told me he likes me. His friend said he could tell he likes me and was so sure he does like me, they've been good friends for years as well. Then the guy I'm talking to later flat out asked me my intentions. He also said he's not upset about his ex because its time he moved on (it was over 6 months ago) but I don't know if I believe he has. He keeps telling me he's confused and that when he first met me it was a bad time but now he's better. I'm just not sure. But yes it does seem like I'm an emotional crutch. I think I'm going to distance myself unless he comes to me.
PlumPrincess Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Why don't you tell him that you like him, but don't think that he has moved on completely yet and that while you're not going to wait for him to get over her, he can contact you again when he feels ready for something new.
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 I do feel like a back up, rebound or emotional crutch, however this past week, his friend asked me when he wasn't around if I like him. Then he said he's a good guy and good boyfriend. Then he said he gets attached and told me he likes me. His friend said he could tell he likes me and was so sure he does like me, they've been good friends for years as well. Then the guy I'm talking to later flat out asked me my intentions. He also said he's not upset about his ex because its time he moved on (it was over 6 months ago) but I don't know if I believe he has. He keeps telling me he's confused and that when he first met me it was a bad time but now he's better. I'm just not sure. But yes it does seem like I'm an emotional crutch. I think I'm going to distance myself unless he comes to me. Look, you can play the emotional attached fool sitting at home with a teddy bear in your hands waiting by the bed side for daddy's call...but the guy is lying to you and is going to do and say whatever it takes to keep you on the side because he needs you in order for him to help progress past his prior relationship...that's why you're a rebound, that's what you're for...your purpose, you're not there to make the man happy and give him everything he needs, that's what YOU think...with him he's just "confused" and doesn't know what he wants and feels yadda yadda yadda, but the truth is he knows exactly how he feels and he likely would have never engaged in this situation with you had he been over it and realized he didn't know that emotional crutch anymore...and once he does feel strong enough and repaired to move on, he's going to drop you like a rock and you're going to be sitting there asking yourself if everything was real because he left you so suddenly and abruptly...watch and see, because this guy is doing everything a typical guy in his situation does when he's rebounded. But go ahead, listen to what you want to hear and see what you only want to while you know there is overwhelming facts and suspicions that this guy is unavailable and is using you...in spite of being around you and acting all lovey dovey, trust me, a lot of guys can and do that with women...it doesn't mean they're head over heels in love with you or ever will be, you can't verify that with other women easily, you're not the first or the last women to experience this routine from a guy...they'll tell you what happens after they tried to be patient and "wait for him to come around to see what he's got". You're going to play these little emotional distance/passive aggressive games to try and make him come after you but it's clear that this is not what this guy wants and if you can't tell the difference between a guy who is genuinely interested in you and wants to be with you versus a guy who is unavailable and has this pseudo-relationship behavior when he is around you, then it's going to be a long road for you because this is how men act when they aren't that into YOU and aren't ready for a relationship..you've got to be smart and wise enough to tell the difference and get yourself out before you get ahead of yourself, investing more and falling for more of his antics thinking that something will miraculously change and you'll have this wonderful amazing relationship you always wanted...that's the carrot on a stick. This guy is going to mess with your mind and your head until he's done using you up, that is what he is doing and he is not going to tell you...no matter what he says and does, at this point it's already clear where he is at emotionally and once he wants, anything more will be emotional padding and "confusion" on his part...If this guy meets another woman tomorrow that he thinks is better than you, you'll be like nothing to this guy, all you did was help him keep his head above the water like a life-saver, eventually he's going to climb into an actual boat and put-put away out of your life.
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 When guys spill their deepest secrets to you they are basically using you as an emotional tampon. I have a few male friends (one is a former FWB) that do this. Now, I don't mind because I don't have any feelings for them and I love giving advice. If you want to check. try doing the same, i.e. telling him something emotional and I bet he will not give you the time and support that you have given him.
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