catcher Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Hey everyone. I was with my boyfriend for four years. We broke up three weeks ago because we were fighting non stop and both trying to escape each other (we lived together 2.5 years). The break up was pretty mutual we both had enough but he moved out in the end. we were contacting each other sometimes by text and it never anything bad, just nice things like 'i hope youre well'. anyway i was planning to move city for a better university (we are 23) but hadnt told him. He came to see me out of the blue the other day. said he missed me a lot and didn't want to throw it all away and that the space had made him think differently about everything. He said he wants us to work things out and have a clean slate and new start, and take things fromt there. He said our arguing got out of line and it wasn't until a bit of space was given that he could see it for what it was, and tht was pointless. I agreed. Space has really let things settle. I really see where he is coming from. I got way to attached and reliant on him and pretty naggy and he got overworked arrogant overwhelmed and just ignored everything. We had a lot of problems. financial, school stress, he worked 12 hour days and had course at night for part of his apprenticeship, i had lots of pressure with school, and on top of that my sister and dad (travels alot) moved in. It was really overwhelming. We tried to work through everything but tbh there was not a lot of time to sort it out. It just became conflict after conflict :/ I have been reading through the posts on here for the last two days. And I am wondering if this is breadcrumbs? I think our problems could be fixed and I kinda think space has been good. But I don't know if taking a step towards him would be setting myself up for heart break. I love him a lot. As a person not just a boyfriend, he is a great guy. But at the same time I want to know how this situation looks to other people? I will say in 3 weeks I have cried a lot but healed a lot go into my own routine and got comfortable not having him around. But I still love him. Advice plz?
theonlyjuan Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Personally would just get on with my own life. I would at least wait quite a while n then see where I'm at. You might easily slip back into routine
Author catcher Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 Personally would just get on with my own life. I would at least wait quite a while n then see where I'm at. You might easily slip back into routine Thats what I thought. I wondered if having a clean slate and not living together initially and taking it slow might help us rebuild and change things? Is this even possible?
lavenderlove Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 I think you should follow your heart. If you love him a lot as you say, why don't you give it a go? sounds like you went through a very hectic time, which can be hard. Me and my ex were going through a nice stage of our relationship when I graduated and it was incredibly hard to have the time to wind down. It also doesn't sound like you have had any real issues besides external forces you couldn't do much about. I don't know just do what you feel. 1
aloneinaz Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Nothings changed in three weeks. You two will still have the same issues once the new "honeymoon" phase ends. If you weren't compatible this last time, you won't be again. Trust me, I'm the king of reconciliations. My ex and I broke up over 5 times in 6 months and each time we got back together the problems (actually her problems) resurfaced quickly and we'd break up again. It became a toxic relationship and her behavior was worse and worse after each reconciliation. If I'd would have been stronger, I'd of dumped her after Christmas knowing her issues and problems made us not compatible. You're feeling better now after 3 weeks. Don't back slide and go back through the same pain. Find someone you're a better fit with. 1
Author catcher Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 Thanks lavender love. It is just so hard. Blah. I don't want to prolong the inevitable I guess.. but risks need taking sometimes too. Thank yu
ggas Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 whatever you decide to do just keep this in mind: You are the MAIN VARIABLE in ANY of your equations. 2
Author catcher Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 Nothings changed in three weeks. You two will still have the same issues once the new "honeymoon" phase ends. If you weren't compatible this last time, you won't be again. Trust me, I'm the king of reconciliations. My ex and I broke up over 5 times in 6 months and each time we got back together the problems (actually her problems) resurfaced quickly and we'd break up again. It became a toxic relationship and her behavior was worse and worse after each reconciliation. If I'd would have been stronger, I'd of dumped her after Christmas knowing her issues and problems made us not compatible. You're feeling better now after 3 weeks. Don't back slide and go back through the same pain. Find someone you're a better fit with. This is the thing. I have the strong urge to be back together but I think it is coming from emotion rather than logic. at the same time i think we were a good fit, it just got overwhelming and neither orf us knew how to deal with it. Like didn't have the skills or something. Is there no chance it could actually get better are some distance? Sorry about your relationship.It sounds like your ex was the core problem so that made progress impossible for u two? I feel like I have some reason to hope for the best. Is there no way it would/could improve? I get the honeymoon phase thing thts exactly what it would be. I kinda feel like I should at least try once to see if it could change? we wouldnt move back in or anything for awhile, i guess it would depend on how we treated each other and dealt with things. i mean I could always walk away if it looked like it was heading that way?
Author catcher Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 whatever you decide to do just keep this in mind: You are the MAIN VARIABLE in ANY of your equations. love this. thnx!
theonlyjuan Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Are you going to feel worse if you breakup again? Whenever I have thought if I would get back with my ex if she asked, I always think this " if I did it would be short term " The only way I could see us getting back long term, would be years later. In a few years you might both change a bit and grow as a person. You might make a much better couple then 2
Author catcher Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 Are you going to feel worse if you breakup again? Whenever I have thought if I would get back with my ex if she asked, I always think this " if I did it would be short term " The only way I could see us getting back long term, would be years later. In a few years you might both change a bit and grow as a person. You might make a much better couple then I wondered about this too. But then I thought maybe this was just a part of the ups and downs and growing up. I feel like I would know for sure if I tried it. I dunno if I would feel worse, maybe, but maybe I would feel like at least I tried
aloneinaz Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 This is the thing. I have the strong urge to be back together but I think it is coming from emotion rather than logic. at the same time i think we were a good fit, it just got overwhelming and neither orf us knew how to deal with it. Like didn't have the skills or something. Is there no chance it could actually get better are some distance? Sorry about your relationship.It sounds like your ex was the core problem so that made progress impossible for u two? I feel like I have some reason to hope for the best. Is there no way it would/could improve? I get the honeymoon phase thing thts exactly what it would be. I kinda feel like I should at least try once to see if it could change? we wouldnt move back in or anything for awhile, i guess it would depend on how we treated each other and dealt with things. i mean I could always walk away if it looked like it was heading that way? Only YOU know the answer to the question of would it work the second time when it obviously didn't the first. I get that you had a lot of outside pressure on each other due to circumstances out of your control. I'll give you more info on me and my ex. We meet on a dating site. From the first email through the texting to the phone call, we had immediate STRONG chemistry. We then met in person and it was like a movie. She walked in to where we met, our eyes locked and we both smiled. The first hug was amazing, it was like hugging "the one". The chemistry, attraction, connection was probably one of the strongest I've ever experienced. We had an AMAZING date and then saw each other every night for almost a month. We couldn't get enough of each other. Then, a few month pass, the honeymoon phase slowed and her true personality broke thru a few times. It went down hill from there to where the last 5 months of the off/on relationship was just terrible. Again, she owned that most of our issues were caused by her but at the end, I wasn't worth her continuing to get therapy and making the changes she needs to for us to be compatible. There were plenty of warning signs when I met her. She didn't really have any friends, only a couple of women who worked for her. She had rough relationships with her family, etc.. She just struggles getting along with people, is too critical of EVERYONE and no one meets her expectations. So, it's hard to miss a person like this and even though I tried to help her as much as possible, it still wasn't enough. These are called toxic relationships and when you start fighting and breaking up, that's what you risk having as well.
Author catcher Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 Only YOU know the answer to the question of would it work the second time when it obviously didn't the first. I get that you had a lot of outside pressure on each other due to circumstances out of your control. I'll give you more info on me and my ex. We meet on a dating site. From the first email through the texting to the phone call, we had immediate STRONG chemistry. We then met in person and it was like a movie. She walked in to where we met, our eyes locked and we both smiled. The first hug was amazing, it was like hugging "the one". The chemistry, attraction, connection was probably one of the strongest I've ever experienced. We had an AMAZING date and then saw each other every night for almost a month. We couldn't get enough of each other. Then, a few month pass, the honeymoon phase slowed and her true personality broke thru a few times. It went down hill from there to where the last 5 months of the off/on relationship was just terrible. Again, she owned that most of our issues were caused by her but at the end, I wasn't worth her continuing to get therapy and making the changes she needs to for us to be compatible. There were plenty of warning signs when I met her. She didn't really have any friends, only a couple of women who worked for her. She had rough relationships with her family, etc.. She just struggles getting along with people, is too critical of EVERYONE and no one meets her expectations. So, it's hard to miss a person like this and even though I tried to help her as much as possible, it still wasn't enough. These are called toxic relationships and when you start fighting and breaking up, that's what you risk having as well. Thanks for sharing. That must have been pretty hard on you.. sorry you ended up in that situation, tht sucks. Chemistry can be so dangerous with the wrong person. I really want to avoid nourishing anything toxic. We both don't want to, that is why we had broken up. Over such a long time all these things build up and it is hard to see it for what it is. I really think we were blinded by our situation. I am more concerned about getting back together and the same thing happening another couple of years down the track. But then hopefully we would grow a bit over that time.. It is just so confusing, your story emphasizes it. Being in the midst of love and life can make it so hard to make the right decisions. I was wondering, when you kept getting back with her do you think it was what it took for you to learn your lesson so to speak. I mean you had to live it to learn from it. I just think maybe I need to see for myself so that i know for sure. But make sure I don't let it go to far if it does become toxic. I am just not sure. I feel like I need to go slow slow slow. Really sorry for what you had to deal with
amaysngrace Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 I think you should go to school in a different location if that's what you want to do. You aren't married to him or anything and aren't tied down, so to speak. Live your life, follow your dreams, and if you are meant to be together it will happen and in the meantime you can still be friends. 1
Dread Pirate Roberts Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Hey everyone. I was with my boyfriend for four years. We broke up three weeks ago because we were fighting non stop and both trying to escape each other (we lived together 2.5 years). The break up was pretty mutual we both had enough but he moved out in the end. we were contacting each other sometimes by text and it never anything bad, just nice things like 'i hope youre well'. anyway i was planning to move city for a better university (we are 23) but hadnt told him. He came to see me out of the blue the other day. said he missed me a lot and didn't want to throw it all away and that the space had made him think differently about everything. He said he wants us to work things out and have a clean slate and new start, and take things fromt there. He said our arguing got out of line and it wasn't until a bit of space was given that he could see it for what it was, and tht was pointless. I agreed. Space has really let things settle. I really see where he is coming from. I got way to attached and reliant on him and pretty naggy and he got overworked arrogant overwhelmed and just ignored everything. We had a lot of problems. financial, school stress, he worked 12 hour days and had course at night for part of his apprenticeship, i had lots of pressure with school, and on top of that my sister and dad (travels alot) moved in. It was really overwhelming. We tried to work through everything but tbh there was not a lot of time to sort it out. It just became conflict after conflict :/ I have been reading through the posts on here for the last two days. And I am wondering if this is breadcrumbs? I think our problems could be fixed and I kinda think space has been good. But I don't know if taking a step towards him would be setting myself up for heart break. I love him a lot. As a person not just a boyfriend, he is a great guy. But at the same time I want to know how this situation looks to other people? I will say in 3 weeks I have cried a lot but healed a lot go into my own routine and got comfortable not having him around. But I still love him. Advice plz? Well, knowing that you both had it rough and you understand where BOTH of you were coming from, you can either be adamant and stay friends, or you can sit down with him and talk over the issues you both had and make a plan to take it slow and work towards getting back together, being mindful of the stressed and issues you both faced. Not saying you should move back in together, but if you both know what went wrong you may be able to start fresh and have a better insight into how you both work and manage stress. That doesn't mean you can't go to school somewhere else. You should do that if you really want to do it. 2
Author catcher Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 I think you should go to school in a different location if that's what you want to do. You aren't married to him or anything and aren't tied down, so to speak. Live your life, follow your dreams, and if you are meant to be together it will happen and in the meantime you can still be friends. thank you. Kinda feel like it is so much harder when we are in contact and the love is still there. The hope is very easy to hold onto at this point.. and i dont want to let go and go nc. i read a lot about ppl staying in contact and it making them stay in love for a long long time. so i feel like either forget him and go nc or hold on. my only choices. frustrating. 1
Author catcher Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 Well, knowing that you both had it rough and you understand where BOTH of you were coming from, you can either be adamant and stay friends, or you can sit down with him and talk over the issues you both had and make a plan to take it slow and work towards getting back together, being mindful of the stressed and issues you both faced. Not saying you should move back in together, but if you both know what went wrong you may be able to start fresh and have a better insight into how you both work and manage stress. That doesn't mean you can't go to school somewhere else. You should do that if you really want to do it. this suits me perfectly. \open minded, but slow and logical. Thanx
amaysngrace Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 thank you. Kinda feel like it is so much harder when we are in contact and the love is still there. The hope is very easy to hold onto at this point.. and i dont want to let go and go nc. i read a lot about ppl staying in contact and it making them stay in love for a long long time. so i feel like either forget him and go nc or hold on. my only choices. frustrating. You say you love him not only as a boyfriend but also as a friend so why would you want to let that go? You should still be friends and can keep in touch but the dynamics may change if either of you start to see other people. You love him but are you in love with him? Could you handle it if he started seeing someone new today? 1
Author catcher Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 You say you love him not only as a boyfriend but also as a friend so why would you want to let that go? You should still be friends and can keep in touch but the dynamics may change if either of you start to see other people. You love him but are you in love with him? Could you handle it if he started seeing someone new today? In love. Like really in love. And that is why I agreed to him leaving, the fighting was killing it. I couldn't handle him seeing someone right now. People get left all the time for other people and get cheated on i hate thinking about it but it is always a possibility. now we arent living together or technically together he can go be with others. It sucks.
Recommended Posts