I tried

[Cakemix]

I am the poster of "what should I do"

The OM and I are over. It ended a few hours ago when I told him I am going to tell my husband the truth. He was worried that he would hurt me since he's all the way across the country for two weeks, and he can't protect me. He thinks that my husband is going to hurt me when he finds out. While

We were on the phone, I told him I have to do this. He begged me not to, or at lease let him be on the phone while I'm doing it. I told him that I had to do this on my own and hung up. However, as soon as I was about to tell my husband, I chickened out. I wanted to call the OM to tell him I didn't do it, but I don't have the number to contact him.

 

While I was away he called about 20 times, and left five messages. I just listened to them and he said he's not going to call me anymore, because I don't respect him. His plan was for us to just leave without saying a word ... sort of walk away from my husband. I'm not sure if it's because he's scared or if he really cares about my safety. I'm sure he'll call later in the week, but I had it. It's really over on my part.

 

My questions are how do I move on? How do I get out of this misery, and should I go through with telling my husband anyway? Like I wrote before, I really love him... It's sad I can't have both of them. I don't think I can get over this... I tried before.

[sami]

Why do you think you need to tell your husband? What would you gain out of that? Are you looking for relief or you want to reach a point of no return with your guy? It is just not so clear to me. It you want to tell your husband anyway why are you waiting for your lover. It seems like you are confused . Kind of lost may be, not knowing exactly what to do. You have your two feet streched: One is on your husband's side while the other is held with your guy. You are still in the back-and-forth stage. Your emotional system is not fully clear yet.

[Cakemix]

I told him, and it gave me some relive. Although, I didn't say about the affair I told him about me catching feelings for someone else. I guess I have to work enough nerves to actually tell him about the affair. Anyway, I did tell him most of it, except the intimate part. He's not really upset with me, because he said he can't do anything about my feelings. The only thing I have to do is not talk to him, and those feelings will go.

[guest]

I agree with sami.You are still torn and it's too raw for you to make any decisions at this stage.Maybe you want your husband to leave you if he finds out and that in turn frees you and makes a decision for you - take it slowly,real slow.Don't tell ur hubby - he does not need to know -good luck -

[sami]

Still you did not tell him . It is either you tell the whole story or you should not open your mouth at all. What you have done is far from the whole truth. You in fact cheated and you are lying about it. You also didn't answer my question: what are you really after? Where do you stand? Are you really and fully clear? do you still want to go back to youer other guy? All those are valid questions in my opinion. You are eally"Mixed".

[bluechocolate]

While I was away he called about 20 times, and left five messages. I just listened to them and he said he's not going to call me anymore, because I don't respect him. His plan was for us to just leave without saying a word ... sort of walk away from my husband.

 

Cakemix - I think your OM has started to show his true colours. By accusing you of disrespect he's trying to guilt you into maintaining contact. And this business of "just running away without a word" - you know that even if you decided to leave your husband you could not have done that, right? It would have been cowardly & immature. Has your husband done or said anything to you that makes you fear for your safety? It doesn't sound like it otherwise I imagine that you would have posted as much & probably would have received quite different responses. If he hasn't then your OM is using guilt AND fear to keep you in his grip. If you have really decided its over you're going to have to convince yourself that he is NOT right for you.

 

Given your husbands response I suspect he knew there was something going on. What else did he say to you? Surely you two must have talked this over?

 

You started your post with

 

The OM and I are over

 

and ended it with

 

I don't think I can get over this... I tried before.

 

If you believe that then you won't get over it.

 

Sami is right

 

You are still in the back-and-forth stage. Your emotional system is not fully clear yet.

 

There isn't much point in telling your husband unless you've clearly come to a decison about whether you're going to try to make your marriage work or leave him to be with the OM.

[Cakemix]

Well, I started telling him the whole truth, but I kept thinking how people kept putting in my head that he'll snap if he knows what really went on (not to tell him). He never gave me any signs of psychosis, and I am not scared for my safety, but I'm just trying to be cautious.

 

We spoke for about an hour before he had to leave for work. In the middle of our conversation he told me he had an idea what was going on, but he wasn't too sure. Need to say, he knew I was going to tell him eventually. When it comes to my husband, I can't hold anything from him.

 

what are you really after?

 

As of right now, I am after the one I am more compatible with on the emotional/mental level. The OM fits those criteria's, however, I am married so I have to look past that, and find something I adore in my husband.

 

Where do you stand?

 

As far as where I stand. I Just know where I want to stand, and it is beside my husband. It's true the OM showed his true color -- A matter of fact he's not boyfriend material at all, but when he is calm and not demanding things from me, he is a good guy. All I can do is to try to get over this. I even suggested counseling to my husband, but he doesn't want it. All he said was if I don't talk to him, I'll get over it.

 

Are you really and fully clear?

 

I'm not fully clear as of yet, but I am coming to terms with this.

 

do you still want to go back to youer other guy?

 

The part that still loves him want to (I guess that's my heart), but thinking rationally, I really don't want to. It has been the most miserable few months of my life. Even when I felt a little happiness, I always had something else to worry about. When I was with him, I worried about my husband. When I was with my husband, I was thinking of him. I was afraid of getting caught. I hated the lies, and how I had to make up lies. It's a lot of stress and I don't want to deal with it. It effected my everyday activities... I don't want to deal with the emotional stress anymore.

 

I know I didn't tell him the entire truth, but I felt that I needed to say something.... Give him a clue. I really do want him to know about everything, but the way he looked really broke my heart. I don't want to hurt him anymore, or the other guy. 'Cause he's hurt as well. I just want to live my life with my husband. This is one mistake I will never do again.

[sami]

Try to feed more your rational part at the cost of the emotional side of the drama. Distance yourself from him and work hard on yourself to get as close as possible to your husband. No need for further disclosure I think unless you personally find a special joy in sharing things with your hubby at his cost. If you are sure you want to go back and stay in your marriage never talk to that guy again. It will slowly get out and move away from your system. No way you can enjoy sex with your husband while you are thinking of the other guy. You are simply tearing yourself between reality and fantasy ( rational & emotional worlds). The rational you are actually living in and the emotional you have created in your mind and dreams. That is the real OW/MM world of a short-lived little joy buried in the debris of long-lived sorrows, stress and low selfsteem.

[bluechocolate]

Not much to add really Cakemix.

 

Again, sami is right - no need to tell your hubby anymore.

 

Chances are he's guessed anyway.

 

I hope things work out for you.

 

Cheers

[Owl]

Cakemix- As the guy who was in your hubby's shoes, I've got to disagree a bit here. My wife had an internet-emotional affar with someone she'd never met in person, and had only a single picture of him. She knew him a total of about 4 months online, and it got serious between them for about six weeks before I caught them and everything came out. When it came out, she felt she was totally in love with him, and he purchased plane tickets so that she could fly to be with him. Long story short, she didn't get on that plane, and we've been working on rebuilding our marriage since. That was nearly six months ago.

 

Bluntly, you need to flat make a decision and stick to it. No waffling, no changing your mind. You need to decide if you you're going to work on your relationship with the OM, or with your husband. You can't have both. It just won't work. Eventually, your husband WILL discover the entire truth.

 

So, if you're going to run off to be with the OM, then you need to tell your husband the truth, and begin the process of divorce and and splitting up your household.

 

If you decide to remain with your husband, you're going to have to decide NOW to begin rebuilding your relationship with him. That means that you're going to have to completely remove the OM from your life...forever. Any continuing contact between you and him will hold you back from working on your marriage...and create more stress on the already fragile relationship you're trying to rebuild. You're going to have to go back to the very basics of a relationship...and that means talking with your husband. You have to have open, HONEST communication about how you feel, what you want/need, and you're going to have to tell him the truth about your affair. Sounds horrible...well it sure won't be easy. TRUST ME! The only way to make it through that is counseling. Probably seperate counseling for both you and your hubby, and definitely marriage/couples counseling.

 

My wife nearly left me six months ago...and you wouldn't believe the pain and hurt I am still going through every day. But, in many ways, our relationship is better now than it had been in years. We just celebrated our 17th anniversary together, and it was wonderful. But I can tell you that one of the things that still trips me up is when I find things that she still hadn't revealed to me...I discovered yesterday that she had continued to call him after she didn't get on the plane for nearly 3 weeks...and when I tried talking about it with her, it really became a blowup like we've not had in ages. If she had admitted it sooner, it might not have been. The number one cause of pain to the betrayed spouse in an affair (at least in mine) is the LIES and DECEIT. The only hope to get through it is to be TOTALLY HONEST.

 

Good luck.

[quankanne]

there is a lot of well-meaning advice posted here, but I think Owl's is the direction you need to seriously consider going: you and your husband need to get into marriage counselling sessions so that you guys receive the necessary tools to repair your relationship and mend what problems there are in y'alls marriage. Wishing the OM away or your husband's hiding his head in the sand because he doesn't want to think there's more to the story isn't going to help y'all heal because there will always be that big "what if" thing hanging over your heads.

 

Your posts are pretty open and honest, and you deserve a big hug for that. I can't imagine how hard it is trying to resolve this, but you sincerely sound like you want to strengthen your marriage.

 

Several years ago, my husband and I attended a Marriage Encounter weekend to help our relationship, but not without him first dragging his heels for a long, long time. There, we picked up tools to better communicate with each other, stuff that has helped us a lot because it's pretty much cut out the BS factor. I know that the Catholic Church also offers a retreat for couples in troubled marriages, called Retrouvaille, which would be a good starting point for you and your husband.

 

A priest friend of mine who sits on the panel of presenters explains it like this (from an email he'd sent explaining the program):

 

"Retrouvaille is similar to Marriage Encounter in that it teaches

communications on the feelings level._ The difference is that in

Retrouvaille the communications is aimed to begin the forgiveness

process, whereas in ME it is to improve the intimacy. Another major difference is that whereas ME is basically a weekend experience, Retrouvaille is a

three-month-long experience that just starts with a weekend."

 

Even though it's a Catholic event, I'm pretty sure that Retrouvaille is set up like ME, in that spaces are set aside for non-Catholic couples wanting to use it. If you're interested, the link is http://www.Retrouvaille.org.

 

I'm pretty sure that if you did a Google search on marriage counselling retreats or something similar, you'll find a ton of information on programs like Retrouvaille.

 

Stay strong, Cakey; you have a lot of good resources available for helping your marriage, and I wish you and your husband the best of luck as you move forward in rebuilding your relationship.

 

quankanne

[Joyce]

Dear cakemix,

 

I have been in your shoes. I know exactly how you feel. I felt a huge burden on my shoulders living with the lies I had told. It was slowly eating at me every day. Until one day I couldn't take it anymore. I told my H. I was very scared because my H has a pretty big temper. I honestly thought he would hurt me. I told him anyway I was ready to be an adult and face my actions. It felt so good to finally share this with someone and let my H know what I had done. I was a lot like you... I didn't know what I wanted. I was in love with the OM but he had left me for someone else. He really wasn't who he portrayed himself to be. He used me.

 

When I told my H I expected my marriage to be over. I offered to pack up and leave. My H told me not to leave. He said he still loved me and wanted to work things out... that's when I realized that I still cared and loved my H. It gave me a knew respect for him. How could I leave someone that still loves me after the hell I have put him through?

 

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that you may be confused but if you tell him it might help you decide what you really want. It might not go the way you would like it to but that's a risk that you need to take. You have been selfish long enough. It's possible that your H won't want to stay with you but you owe to him to make that choice don't you?

 

It really is up to you but I strongly suggest telling him. It's not easy but it is the only way to start moving in the right direction. It's the only way to live your life again. You won't have to live two lives anymore. You won't have to lie. Please be honest with yourself and your H. Stop coming up with excuses. If you don't it will continue to haunt you. It will slowly eat at you so much that you won't even know who you are anymore.