Venting to friends

[Shepp]

I love my guy freinds but i wouldnt ever tell them stuff about my relationship (wow that senentce contained alot of t's and t's the two letters tha have fallrn off my keyboard )

But anyway back on topic - i wouldnt just because thats not me i like to keep stuff like that in my own head - talking doesnt help me chill out or vent/release - for me that comes from sport - if im angry ovrt something petty i'll go for a jog or head down the boxing gym.

That said id have no problem with my girl talking about anything in our relationship to her friends - I'm not insecure at all so it doesn't bother me I know I can justify anything I do or have done even if that justification is just that I can be a bit hot headed.

 

The only place I'd draw the line is if it was to the extent thather friends didn't like me because of what she told them - if your gonna tell hem bad stuff then you've got to tell them The good to and if she told them something that I shared with her confidentially - like I say I'm not a big one for sharing my problems and if I tell someone I sure as hell would have a problem with them repeating that.

Edited July 21, 2013 by Shepp

[Revolver]

Men can't really vent to their friends about dating issues

[SoulJazzBlues]

I don't and wouldn't really "vent" about my man to anyone, even my best friend. My best friend might be asked to share their opinion on something that is bothering me in terms of my relationship but id always position it as a "me and my man" are facing this a) problem, so as to not make it being him being under attack behind attack.

 

But by and large, I've always communicated with my partner. I've always been a private person and have no interest in certain things being for public knowledge.

 

You seem largely defensive over this. Thr only person who can tell you whether your behaviour is wrong is YOUR partner. Is he aware you talk about him like this?

[RedRobin]

To each his/her own, but I find it a measure of maturity and stability to be able to personally manage minor and sometimes even major frustrations without having to 'vent' to anyone.

 

I make my partners aware that disclosing personal issues without discussing with me first is not appreciated... and depending on the issue, potentially relationship ending. The same care is exhibited towards them.

 

Depending on the context and audience, I'd consider it as big a betrayal as cheating, believe it or not.

 

One of the things I screen for in relationships of any kind is discretion.

[SoulJazzBlues]

To each his/her own, but I find it a measure of maturity and stability to be able to personally manage minor and sometimes even major frustrations without having to 'vent' to anyone.

 

I make my partners aware that disclosing personal issues without discussing with me first is not appreciated... and depending on the issue, potentially relationship ending. The same care is exhibited towards them.

 

Depending on the context and audience, I'd consider it as big a betrayal as cheating, believe it or not.

 

One of the things I screen for in relationships of any kind is discretion.

 

Exactly. I'd feel really betrayed if I found out he was going around saying "ugh my girlfriend is SUCH a bitch!" because of some argument or issue we were having.

[RedRobin]

Exactly. I'd feel really betrayed if I found out he was going around saying "ugh my girlfriend is SUCH a bitch!" because of some argument or issue we were having.

 

Me too!

 

On the occasions where my friends share issues they are having with their spouse/girlfriend, they find that I'm usually sticking up for their partner or asking them how they can communicate better... so I'm not the most fun to vent to because I'm not helping them bash their partner.

 

For instance... One of my girlfriends felt the need to complain about her H to me about something minor, while she and I were out thanks to her H being more than willing to manage the kids. He always showed extra special consideration while I was in town, and made sure she had plenty of uninterrupted time for she and I to spend together.

 

I told her, 'X, I believe you might benefit from learning to be grateful for your H. I'm not sure how things go behind closed doors, but what I've observed is what an amazingly supportive partner you have in many areas of your life."

 

She looked astonished... pondered... and said "thank you, you are right."

 

Venting over. Marriage improved, I'm sure.

[Art_Critic]

My man knows it

 

Would you still do it if your man had a problem with it even though he knows it ? this is key as it becomes disrespectful when you go against your SO's wishes and then will eat at the relationship.

[Janesays]

No, I don't do it.

 

Why? Because I don't want my 'venting' to give my friends a negative perception of my man.

 

Of course venting about the one time he left his dirty socks on the ground is not going to make your friends think, "What a horrible boyfriend!" But, how many times do you vent about him leaving stuff about before they start to think, in the very back of their mind, "Wow, this guy is such a slob..."

 

How many times do you vent about this guy being late and your friends SECRETLY start thinking he's a flake?

 

How many times of 'look at this insensitive thing he did' before they think "Wow, I don't know WHY she puts up with him, but it's not my place to say anything..."

 

You're fooling yourself if you think all your venting isn't going to cause some negative perception to your friends ultimately. It's human nature. We don't see the big picture, we just see what is being presented in front of us.

 

I never vented, but my ex husband had a tendency to be rude and mean to me in social situations. When we were together, my friends were all super supportive and seemed happy for us, though. When our divorce was official, you would not BELIEVE how many of those friends came out of the woodwork to tell me that they HATED him. Now, they NEVER disrespected my relationship in front of me, because a good friend wouldn't, but they truly HATED him. Real venom in their voices when they were finally comfortable to express themselves freely.

 

You see? They saw him being rude and developed a negative perception of him that they kept under wraps. Deservedly so. But my point is, if your friends ALSO develop a negative perception of your boyfriend, over time, that they decide to keep under wraps as a result of you presenting certain facts in the name of 'venting,' do YOU think your boyfriend would deserve it?

 

Ultimately, you can say anything you like to whoever you like. But understand that when you do you are painting a picture of your boyfriend's character to that person. My thoughts are you should paint the right picture.

[xxoo]

No, I don't vent to my friends about my husband. It seems disrespectful, and short-sighted (as they will remember that vent long after I've forgiven and forgotten the issue), and I really wouldn't want him venting to friends about me. Moreover, it is unnecessary. I simply don't need to vent small annoyances to others in order to feel better.

 

I see it sort of like the business philosophy: If you have something bad to say about me, please tell me. If you have something good to say about me, please tell everyone!

[sweetkiwi]

It is healthy to vent. But I think it's best to choose one specific friend who understands that there are more positive (hopefully) aspects to your SO and the relationship, than the negative that they may hear more often.

 

If you bitch to everyone about everything, they'd urge you to dump the other person. And maybe they'd be right.

[xxoo]

It is healthy to vent.

 

Is it?

 

There are much healthier way to handle small relationship annoyances. Venting can be toxic.

[veggirl]

No, I don't. As many people pointed out, do that s.hit too much and people are gonna wonder why you're even with the dude.

 

Plus I don't have too much that I'd need to vent about anyway, I let the little stuff go and I think it's VERY immature and inappropriate to bring friends into bigger issues in a relationship.

 

In your example below, I'd be really upset if my bf did what you did. If he called up a buddy and was all "ugh she's such a bitch" esp when it's supposedly over and done with.

 

Here is a true example. My man and I got into an argument over me leaving the lights on. We talked it out, moved on, but I was still pissy about the fact we fought in the first place.

 

 

So I call my best friend, and tell her how he was being an *******. She knows he isn't one, I know he isn't one, but I sure as hell felt like he was. She nods and agrees and then ends up telling me about a time when her man did something similar.

 

 

 

Who cares? He did something to get me mad so instead of continuing to be mad I told my best friend how mad he made me.

Where is the problem?

[Treasa]

No, I don't vent about him, exactly. I'll tell my mom occasionally if he did something that's sort of funny that made me roll my eyes (yesterday he compared Lake Michigan to the bay of Biloxi, size-wise), and maybe tease him about it on FB, but if I'm upset, I handle it internally.

 

I also very, very rarely say anything bad about my boss or anyone I actually know. I used to, and it honestly wasn't productive for me. If it's something small, I handle it on my own and get over it fairly quickly, or I address it with the person.

 

Now, social or world things that outrage me, yes, I'll vent about it. Usually on FB where people can just ignore me anyway.

 

However, whatever works for you.

[sweetkiwi]

Is it?

 

There are much healthier way to handle small relationship annoyances. Venting can be toxic.

Which is exactly why I said to choose one friend, hopefully emotionally mature, to "vent" to. To me venting means talking about your feelings, not losing your sh.it.

[gaius]

Most people who are 'venting' don't have a polygraph hooked up to them to compel clear and total truth. Some things are outright lies; others can be exaggerated. Sure, there is nearly always an element of 'truth' to the vents.

 

Our MC supported my position that marital business should remain within the marriage. That could be sex; it could be money; it could be emotional discord, etc, etc. I'm quite loathe to talk about my exW in any detail, especially negative detail, even though we're divorced. Our 'stuff', to a great degree, will go to the grave with me.

You might be right about some people, but I've never heard her talk ill about anyone. Certain things and forms of entertainment sure, but never a specific person. Or relay a story framing someone in a deliberately awful light, so I would be surprised if I found out that kind of manipulation was going on with me.

 

Different strokes for different folks I guess. Your marriage counselor was probably aware that if you found someone else to vent to she/he would probably end up with less of your money at the end of the week too. There are some things you just can't talk to your partner about for one reason or another and it's dreadfully unhealthy and toxic to not talk about it at all.

[lino]

No, I don't vent to any friends about private stuff in my relationship because I'm not a female

 

For me, my relationship is MY relationship and not that of one of my friends.

 

For some reason, this type of stuff often gets talked about amongst females and their friends, especially stuff related to sex.

Usually it's because they have few genuinely interesting things to talk about so they resort to gossip.

Women's magazines aren't full of celebrity gossip and 'who's marrying/divorcing/dating/f*cking/cheating on who' for no reason!

[BradJacobs]

I tell my friends everything and I'm a guy.

 

Topics of sexual acts are taken off the table as soon as relationships are created but everything else is fair game.

 

Women are tough breed to figure out so we have a brain trust to solve those issues.

[Art_Critic]

I would never vent to a friend about my relationships, for the most part I keep it to myself but will bounce things off one of my family members or my Mom in confidence if I feel I need someone to talk to that isn't my SO.

[miss_jaclynrae]

For those questioning MY relationship:

 

I have ONE friend who I vent to. One friend who I have been friends with since I was 10. She is the ONLY person I am this way with. I vented with her when it came to my ex husband, and every other man I have been with.

 

I think it is funny how because I said I vent about him pissing me off, it has turned to assuming all I do is vent about him pissing me off. Luckily he rarely does, my man is pretty amazing and so she sees how amazing he is, but she also knows that we are a normal couple, and couples have their moments.

 

 

 

Which is why I said for me, SHE IS THE ONLY ONE I vent to. It is nice having someone to go to and say "I am going to murder my mam right now he is being such a huge jackass". I still can't believe I am the only one here who does that! To each their own I guess, my man and I don't live in this fantasy world where we never make each other mad.

I don't go around talking **** about him to everyone, I have one friend who I trust with my life, and she has proven to me that I can. I mentioned in another thread how I believe that your friends knowing their boundaries is key, and I have one friend who does. This works perfectly for our relationship.

 

I have the best boyfriend, and the best boyfriend.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Which is exactly why I said to choose one friend, hopefully emotionally mature, to "vent" to. To me venting means talking about your feelings, not losing your sh.it.

 

OK, people are getting the wrong idea. It isn't like he is doing something so terrible I am losing my ****.

 

 

 

People have this image of us going rage at eachother and me going to my best friend spilling bs about how awful he is.

 

 

Never in a million years, I am talking about things like last night when we were at the grocery store and he told me not to get a slice of cake... but I wanted cake. How I told him he can't tell me what I can and can't eat and how we got into a tiff about it. He said sorry later, and I did too, and then last night when talking to my BF I told her how he was being a jackass in raleys. On top of telling her how much fun we are having here. See, I have nothing to worry about because ultimately we have so many fantastic memories, that the things I bitch about really are nothing.

[xxoo]

If you're talking about fun stories where everyone (including your partner) would think its funny, then is that really venting?

 

Calling each other names is another line we don't cross.

 

But the bigger point is, why do it at all? What does it help that a little bit of time to cool off wouldn't help, without the possible hurt feelings?

Edited July 21, 2013 by xxoo

[almond]

We both keep things private - this is how we prefer it, and it works for us.

 

If things are ever seriously bad, we can both talk to trusted friends. We also communicate and let each other know that we are going to confide in a friend, and we are both always okay about it. I never vent about him out of anger though, and I would never, EVER emasculate him by criticising his sexual performance or anything of the likes to my friends.

 

I treat anything that happens between us as confidential - the bond you have as a couple is strong, and the level that you reveal yourselves is a thing to be respected and nurtured IMO.

 

I would never betray confidentiality.

 

If a friend tells me a secret that is to remain between us, I will not tell my boyfriend. I do not expect him to share secrets about his friends either. In fact, I would be disappointed if he did this. I value honesty, loyalty and trust very highly, and I expect the same in my partner. So yes, I would be upset if he paid me out to anyone else. Seeking support over relationship problems is one thing, but trash talking and put downs are another. And I want nothing to do with the latter.

 

Perhaps my partner and I value this more highly than others - some may be a bit more relaxed about it. But like I said, it has worked for us. I love the 110% trust and openness we have. I do not feel this would be possible if either of us felt it appropriate to speak negatively of each other out of anger, and to third parties nonetheless. But, even when I am upset with my partner, I have never felt the urge to make him look bad to other people. Even the idea of this seems horrible to me

 

If this feels like a need to you, I suggest perhaps working on some strategies to resolve your anger in more positive ways.

Edited July 21, 2013 by almond

[veggirl]

It sounds like you "vent" about really stupid things tbh. Today in the grocery store my bf wanted pickle slices and I wanted whole. I didn't feel the need to call anyone and tell them about what a jackass he is because of that I think it's weird you automatically say things like as.shole or jackass or whatever, you sound mean. Like I'd expect you throw things or call nasty names during real arguments if he is an as.shole for not wanting cake or whatever. I'd be VERY wtf if my bf was calling up anyone because of a tiny little thing like that.

 

No one is acting like they never get mad at their SO. I get mad at mine. Last thing I got mad about was his clean laundry laying on the floor for 2 days. I just didn't call my bff or mom or anyone to tell them about it because it seems disrespectful to him to air all of that out and call him names to other people.

Edited July 21, 2013 by veggirl

[miss_jaclynrae]

Different strokes for different folks.

 

 

I just told my man to come over and give me a kiss, know what he usually says?

 

"shut up biatch!"

 

 

 

 

 

We honestly never truly fight, in all the time we have been together we have fought maybe 3 times in huge fights? Even then we handle them swimmingly. As I said, different strokes for different folks. I love our relationship.

[sweetjasmine]

Which is why I said for me, SHE IS THE ONLY ONE I vent to. It is nice having someone to go to and say "I am going to murder my mam right now he is being such a huge jackass". I still can't believe I am the only one here who does that! To each their own I guess, my man and I don't live in this fantasy world where we never make each other mad.

 

Obviously, my H and I make each other mad sometimes. Sometimes we get on each other's nerves. But there's never any name calling. Not even in my mind, where he can't hear it anyway.

 

Here's an example -- he has this habit of putting things away in different spots than where they usually are. Then I go nuts looking for whatever it is when he's not around to tell me where it is, and when I find it, I usually say to myself, "Dammit, [H], I wish you would stop doing that! Why the hell is it over here and not there?" And then I get over it. If it's important enough, I later tell him, "Hey, when you put XYZ away, can you leave it here instead of there? I went nuts trying to find it today." I consciously avoid any name calling. Even when he's upset me, I avoid putting labels on it, like "what an a-hole!" or "what a dick!".

 

IME, labeling things like that and getting outside confirmation by venting about it makes it into a bigger deal and prolongs the negative emotions. With most minor tiffs, it's counterproductive to do that, IMO. Nurturing a relationship takes conscious effort. It took some conscious effort to avoid the "what a jackass!" reflex when he made me irritated, but after a while, it became second nature.

 

With other people? Who do things more egregious than putting such-and-such in the wrong spot? Yeah, of course, I'll label them in my mind and maybe vent about their behavior, if it pissed me off that much. But the difference is that I'm not as invested in those relationships as I am in the one with my H. And I can notice the difference. When he irritates me, we fix the problem or just apologize, and I move on quickly. When someone at work irritates me, it lingers for a while.