miss_jaclynrae Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 A recent thread make me want to ask this. When in a relationship, do you vent about your SO to your friends? Only certain friends and certain things? Would you be angry about your SO venting about you to their friends? What do you consider "private" information that shouldn't be talked about? I feel alone in the fact that I tell my best friend everything. Pissed because my man didn't last very long last night? I vent to her about it. Mad that he gave away all my brownies? I vent to her about it. I fully believe that women need a safe place to vent, and my best friend is that place. She never judges, is fully supportive of my relationship, and guess what? Things I tell her I would never actually say to my man. I am that person for her too. Does that mean I am not my mans biggest supporter? Does that make me not trustworthy because I sometimes talk **** about him? Does that mean I don't love him? Not at all. It means he pisses me off sometimes and since I would rather talk it out, without causing a fight [obviously it isn't ever worth fighting over] I just call my best friend. If something is ever REALLY TRULY a problem, I talk it over with him. But for petty ****, and to be able to call him whatever names I want in the heat of the moment? Yeah, I have my best friend for that. Thoughts?
PCS991 Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 A recent thread make me want to ask this. When in a relationship, do you vent about your SO to your friends? Only certain friends and certain things? Would you be angry about your SO venting about you to their friends? What do you consider "private" information that shouldn't be talked about? I feel alone in the fact that I tell my best friend everything. Pissed because my man didn't last very long last night? I vent to her about it. Mad that he gave away all my brownies? I vent to her about it. I fully believe that women need a safe place to vent, and my best friend is that place. She never judges, is fully supportive of my relationship, and guess what? Things I tell her I would never actually say to my man. I am that person for her too. Does that mean I am not my mans biggest supporter? Does that make me not trustworthy because I sometimes talk **** about him? Does that mean I don't love him? Not at all. It means he pisses me off sometimes and since I would rather talk it out, without causing a fight [obviously it isn't ever worth fighting over] I just call my best friend. If something is ever REALLY TRULY a problem, I talk it over with him. But for petty ****, and to be able to call him whatever names I want in the heat of the moment? Yeah, I have my best friend for that. Thoughts? Hi Jaclynrae, I'm a guy (last time I checked) and I believe you are coming up short in the communication department, here's why. If for example your man didn't perform as advertised last night, talk to him, and by talk I mean talk, don't get pissy, don't talk down to him, offer help, maybe even in a sexy way that guys get.. By going to your friend and telling all and not communicating with your SO I think that over time your just building a wall that will separate the two of you. Maybe I'm completely in left field here, $hit I've got new problems of my own so what do I know 3
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 Hi Jaclynrae, I'm a guy (last time I checked) and I believe you are coming up short in the communication department, here's why. If for example your man didn't perform as advertised last night, talk to him, and by talk I mean talk, don't get pissy, don't talk down to him, offer help, maybe even in a sexy way that guys get.. By going to your friend and telling all and not communicating with your SO I think that over time your just building a wall that will separate the two of you. Maybe I'm completely in left field here, $hit I've got new problems of my own so what do I know We don't actually have that problem, it was more of a point. Besides, if one night he wasn't to last as long, that is one night! Why try to give him advice when he just messed up once? We have an amazing relationship, we talk about everything, I still see nothing wrong with telling my best friend such things. He doesn't either, he knows I tell her everything. You are missing the point...
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 Here is a true example. My man and I got into an argument over me leaving the lights on. We talked it out, moved on, but I was still pissy about the fact we fought in the first place. So I call my best friend, and tell her how he was being an *******. She knows he isn't one, I know he isn't one, but I sure as hell felt like he was. She nods and agrees and then ends up telling me about a time when her man did something similar. Who cares? He did something to get me mad so instead of continuing to be mad I told my best friend how mad he made me. Where is the problem? 1
PCS991 Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 We don't actually have that problem, it was more of a point. Besides, if one night he wasn't to last as long, that is one night! Why try to give him advice when he just messed up once? We have an amazing relationship, we talk about everything, I still see nothing wrong with telling my best friend such things. He doesn't either, he knows I tell her everything. You are missing the point... Guess I did. I'll leave this thread to the women now....
charlietheginger Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 I believe women should not give up their life and friends For a man. Your girlfriends should stay in the picture for emotional Support and that means venting... Why i say? Becuase in past relationships ive had women vent at me What does it make me do ? Makes me not enjoy being around her And resentful of the entire relationship. One relationship my ex all she did was vent about How she hated her mom and sister , hated her exhusband Hated her job yadaya. At that time i was a happy guy Eventually all she did was use me as someone to vent To ,yell at and argue with. I finally pulled the plug and when i did it felt great not Being and a beetchy women that yells and argues all the time. Ive worked on a few sets with male models. I guy i know Does modeling for bells , publix small ads. He is no super Model but is a very attractive guy. I met his fiance one day She was a little chubby and not hot but cute. After she Left i saw him at the gym. I said wow she seems like a great Women. He replied she is and she is so nice eazy going just Great to be around and so nice to me. I replied thats what Its all about man enjoying being around your partner. Now i know this guy could be with a perfect 10 model Material girl but he choose personality over looks. I can't Blame him a point in a mans life comes when all he wants Is "a women he can enjoy being around without all the drama And headaches"
SammySammy Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 I'd rather my woman not talk to outsiders about our sex life or any problems that we may have. I'd rather we work out any issues that we may have as a couple. To me, it seems that bringing others into certain aspects of a relationship creates more problems than it solves. 4
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 I'd rather my woman not talk to outsiders about our sex life or any problems that we may have. I'd rather we work out any issues that we may have as a couple. To me, it seems that bringing others into certain aspects of a relationship creates more problems than it solves. This I would normally agree with, which is why I asked about certain friends. My best friend is amazing, there is a reason why we have maintained a friendship since 4th grade, we know our boundaries in our friendship. I know that when she tells me her boyfriend is an *******, it doesn't mean he actually is one, just in that moment she felt like he was one. We both have NEVER intervened in the others relationship. Knowing who to talk to is one thing I find important. My man can vent to his best friend all he wants about how big of a bitch I am sometimes. I know that never in a million years would he ever butt himself into our actual relationship. Things we talk about are never true problems. And if they are, they are ones that we have already discussed with our SOs.
Woggle Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 As long as she keeps truly private stuff about me that I only want her to hear between us and I will extend the same courtesy. 1
SammySammy Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 This I would normally agree with, which is why I asked about certain friends. My best friend is amazing, there is a reason why we have maintained a friendship since 4th grade, we know our boundaries in our friendship. I know that when she tells me her boyfriend is an *******, it doesn't mean he actually is one, just in that moment she felt like he was one. We both have NEVER intervened in the others relationship. Knowing who to talk to is one thing I find important. My man can vent to his best friend all he wants about how big of a bitch I am sometimes. I know that never in a million years would he ever butt himself into our actual relationship. Things we talk about are never true problems. And if they are, they are ones that we have already discussed with our SOs. Do what works for you. I'm not judging that at all. I just know that in the past some of my so-called male friends obviously liked my woman more than they should and I definitely didn't want to give them any ideas by telling them anything about her temperament or sexual abilities/habits. Also, I've have had some of my woman's friends staring at or approaching me inappropriately because of things she had told them about our sex life. Arguments, disagreements and other problems, I think whatever story is told is one-sided. It's not fair to the SO in my opinion. That's why I think it's best for both of us to keep those sort of things in-house. However, if you have a good best friend who you can confide in and who respects your relationship, by all means, confide in her.
gaius Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 I'm not embarrassed by anything that's gone on in my relationship so she can tell whoever she wants whatever she wants. I do have a friend I vent all the time to though and probably tell more than I should. But I'm just like that, kind of an open book with people I trust.
hoping2heal Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 I have one friend that I would vent to but the topics are quite closed. Some things are off-limits for me to discuss as I feel it would be disrespectful to him. 1. Sex/his body/anything to do with sex or his body. That's for me to know, not anyone else. That's our space and no one else is invited. Plus, I'd feel like I was being disrespectful to him talking about something so intimate and making it known to someone else. My best friend is the opposite, she'll share and share and share without prompt. That's her decision, it just doesn't work for my relationship and that's fine. 2. I would never berate him for something and it goes without saying something he struggles with or has any kind of insecurity about. 3. If I'm going to vent it's over petty crap only, no exception. Like for example your argument over the lights. 6
ChatroomHero Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 (edited) Seems like a bit of a betrayal, but it happens and I think most guys expect it happens anyway. Edited July 21, 2013 by ChatroomHero
valedicere Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 I talk to my friends about someone I like just about every single time. I can't call it a relationship though because I've never been in one. I guess I do it, because one, I don't know what I am doing. Two, I'm happy as hell and just need to tell the world about that person. Three.. I don't know I'm just pretty open with them. Although I feel like deep down no one really cares and I should just keep it to myself. But that never happens. It kinda makes me feel bad.
MissBee Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 I have one friend that I would vent to but the topics are quite closed. Some things are off-limits for me to discuss as I feel it would be disrespectful to him. 1. Sex/his body/anything to do with sex or his body. That's for me to know, not anyone else. That's our space and no one else is invited. Plus, I'd feel like I was being disrespectful to him talking about something so intimate and making it known to someone else. My best friend is the opposite, she'll share and share and share without prompt. That's her decision, it just doesn't work for my relationship and that's fine. 2. I would never berate him for something and it goes without saying something he struggles with or has any kind of insecurity about. 3. If I'm going to vent it's over petty crap only, no exception. Like for example your argument over the lights. This is how I feel as well. Especially in serious relationships, like marriage, I do feel our relationship is sacred and some things shouldn't be for the consumption of even my dearest friends, just like I wouldn't appreciate him sharing certain things about me/my body/our sex life, with his friends. I really think there is value in a couple making some things for them ONLY. I'm respectful of all my relationships anyway. My bestfriend is my bestfriend, my guy is my guy, and some stuff my bestfriend tells me in confidence, I would NEVER share with him. Likewise, I don't feel some stuff in my relationship, no matter how upsetting, should be shared with another person. I guess I operate with confidentiality in that way, in general. My bestfriend and sister are people I tell EVERYTHING to. However, I do have limits. My relationship isn't only about me, but him too. I too would more vent over pettier things but would refrain from more touchy/intimate subjects. One of my aunts, who has a marriage I really admire, told me that one thing she doesn't do, and tells all young couples, is "Don't speak badly about your spouse to other people", I really think that's a good rule, as sometimes what we say while venting, may bite us in the ass or could show up again and cause problems. 9
kaylan Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 I know best friends tell each other most things, if not everything. I tell my best friend a lot. And Ive definitely told him a lot of things about the women Ive dated. And Im sure girls know I will talk to my best friend about some things, which I think theyd accept. But Im sure they wouldnt like me openly talking to all my guy friends about some things. I feel the same way when it comes to a girl talking to her best friend vs talking to her girlfriends. Let me say, I expect girls to talk to their best friend about when I piss them off. I expect them to talk about our sex life. That doesnt bother me because I do the same thing. HOWEVER, I never EVER cross the line of telling super personal secrets to anyone after someone has confided in me. And if someones confided in me about something super personal, the kind of stuff that you should know right away that you dont tell ANYONE else about...then I keep it to myself. I dont betray that kind of trust. There are certain things that if I tell a girl about, Id dump her in a hot second if she shared that stuff with anyone. Trust is important.
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 This is how I feel as well. Especially in serious relationships, like marriage, I do feel our relationship is sacred and some things shouldn't be for the consumption of even my dearest friends, just like I wouldn't appreciate him sharing certain things about me/my body/our sex life, with his friends. I really think there is value in a couple making some things for them ONLY. I'm respectful of all my relationships anyway. My bestfriend is my bestfriend, my guy is my guy, and some stuff my bestfriend tells me in confidence, I would NEVER share with him. Likewise, I don't feel some stuff in my relationship, no matter how upsetting, should be shared with another person. I guess I operate with confidentiality in that way, in general. My bestfriend and sister are people I tell EVERYTHING to. However, I do have limits. My relationship isn't only about me, but him too. I too would more vent over pettier things but would refrain from more touchy/intimate subjects. One of my aunts, who has a marriage I really admire, told me that one thing she doesn't do, and tells all young couples, is "Don't speak badly about your spouse to other people", I really think that's a good rule, as sometimes what we say while venting, may bite us in the ass or could show up again and cause problems. My best friend and I talk about everything, including what happens in the bedroom. My man knows it, he also knows everything about her as well, like how she got her vag waxed the other day. I agree that you shouldn't talk down about your spouse, BUT, that being said, my best friend will always be my exception. I trust her 100% and she knows that what we talk about is for us. My man knows it, her man knows it, it is a healthy thing for me. I need to talk things out. I want to scream out my man is an ******* when I think he is being an *******... so I call her. She keeps me sane.
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 I know best friends tell each other most things, if not everything. I tell my best friend a lot. And Ive definitely told him a lot of things about the women Ive dated. And Im sure girls know I will talk to my best friend about some things, which I think theyd accept. But Im sure they wouldnt like me openly talking to all my guy friends about some things. I feel the same way when it comes to a girl talking to her best friend vs talking to her girlfriends. Let me say, I expect girls to talk to their best friend about when I piss them off. I expect them to talk about our sex life. That doesnt bother me because I do the same thing. HOWEVER, I never EVER cross the line of telling super personal secrets to anyone after someone has confided in me. And if someones confided in me about something super personal, the kind of stuff that you should know right away that you dont tell ANYONE else about...then I keep it to myself. I dont betray that kind of trust. There are certain things that if I tell a girl about, Id dump her in a hot second if she shared that stuff with anyone. Trust is important. I agree with that completely, certain things that he has made clear he is solely confiding in me with I wouldn't share. THAT is betrayal.
kaylan Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 ^Ok then we are in agreement. Outside of the super personal stuff, I say vent away.
T3h L337 d00d Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 I never vent to friends and family because than I will put a negative view of the girl I'm dating into every ones heads. They'll all remember me telling them about the time she did what ever instead of thinking of us as a happy couple. I think if you feel the need to vent you need to be careful because if your friend spreads some of this stuff you're giving as examples on here it could break a lot of trust. 4
MissBee Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 My best friend and I talk about everything, including what happens in the bedroom. My man knows it, he also knows everything about her as well, like how she got her vag waxed the other day. I agree that you shouldn't talk down about your spouse, BUT, that being said, my best friend will always be my exception. I trust her 100% and she knows that what we talk about is for us. My man knows it, her man knows it, it is a healthy thing for me. I need to talk things out. I want to scream out my man is an ******* when I think he is being an *******... so I call her. She keeps me sane. It's whatever works for you, your friend and your man really. Everyone has their dos, don'ts, and what's off limits, so it's about being respectful of that in your relationships and friendships. I have no reason to tell my man about my friend's vagina...none lmaooo, but to each her own
carhill Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 I'm not embarrassed by anything that's gone on in my relationship so she can tell whoever she wants whatever she wants. I do have a friend I vent all the time to though and probably tell more than I should. But I'm just like that, kind of an open book with people I trust. Most people who are 'venting' don't have a polygraph hooked up to them to compel clear and total truth. Some things are outright lies; others can be exaggerated. Sure, there is nearly always an element of 'truth' to the vents. Our MC supported my position that marital business should remain within the marriage. That could be sex; it could be money; it could be emotional discord, etc, etc. I'm quite loathe to talk about my exW in any detail, especially negative detail, even though we're divorced. Our 'stuff', to a great degree, will go to the grave with me. 8
sweetjasmine Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 When in a relationship, do you vent about your SO to your friends? Not really, no. I can't think of the last time I did. Only certain friends and certain things? It'd have to be something really significant that I needed advice on. Petty arguments aren't really anybody else's damn business, either, and I find it easier to resolve it and move on. Talking about it with someone else would just make me dwell on it and hold on to it longer than necessary. Would you be angry about your SO venting about you to their friends? I'd be bothered by it, yes. What do you consider "private" information that shouldn't be talked about? Our sex lives. Anything either of us feels vulnerable about. Anything clearly private. If he's sensitive about something, I'm sure as sh-t not going to start talking about it with other people. Maybe I'm unusual, but I've never discussed my sex life with friends. Just vague, general things. Never specifics. I'd never in my right mind call up a friend and talk about what we specifically did or say something about his body or anything like that. It feels like that is really none of anyone else's business. If he talked about it with his friends, I'd feel pretty violated and betrayed. I'd find it disrespectful. It's our private business and private space and no one else's. Does that mean I am not my mans biggest supporter? Does that make me not trustworthy because I sometimes talk **** about him? Does that mean I don't love him? I personally find it counterproductive to say negative things about my SO to people we know. It'd feel wrong. And things you do share affect people's perceptions, so even if someone isn't actively judging my SO based on something negative I shared, it'd still affect the way they view him. I don't think that's fair. 3
pcplod Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 (edited) miss jaclynrae You rise some interesting but not original questions, to which I really only have what are inevitably some pretty pre-rehearsed, re-hashed and cliched answers. I would very much be interested to know what your own definitive answers are to them. Here's the way I look at it, and it is quite deliberately not an answer of any sort. I would rather not walk into any sort of self-manufactured trap over that. IF this secret 'process' you share with your BFF, about your other half, remains a secret all is good and dandy from your perspective although to be honest it does sound intrinsically squalid and unseemly no matter how you try to dress it up with rationality and logic and I am a keen advocate of rationality and logic. But here's the thing, what happens if it becomes no longer a secret? I mean I can't imagine a scenario where you aren't screwed, right-royally screwed. It's like the poster who recently described how they blabbed, under the influence of alcohol, to a public audience, that their boyfriend had the smallest dick they had ever come across. We are capable of doing the most amazingly stupid things given the right circumstances and moment. And we are probably better at betraying ourselves than even our enemies are. How do you know that in a heated moment, when you have just momentarily lost sight of rhyme or reason, that you won't be indiscreet about your indiscretions? Maybe, no matter how rational and attractive it is, it is better not to create a situation whereby you might cut the ground from under yourself? There is a wider issue that your post raises. That is the one of trust. Trust with an intimate partner. Trust amongst friends. Trust amongst work colleagues. It seems like good advice to maintain an appropriate level of aloofness, reserve, where not just anything can or should be discussed. On the one hand if you are too liberal it is inevitable that others may wonder whether you talk to others about them. Yet on the other hand, if you remain something of a significant mystery, people tend to be suspicious about you simply because you don't share yourself. I see it as a definite tightrope to be walked and I am not sure, ever, what form that tightrope takes in terms of striking a suitable balance. I even suspect that in reality it is a circle never to be squared and that it is not a question of if it goes 'tits-up', but just when and how. Edited July 21, 2013 by pcplod
StayBeautiful Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Hmmm no. I blab the positive stuff, and the serious stuff Some examples - I've told girlfriends before how amazing in bed and how enormous an ex was. I never told them if he couldn't get it up. I didn't tell girlfriends if my ex started a blazing argument. I did tell them when he cheated and I was deciding whether to leave.
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