What do you put first, the relationship or your self actualization ?

[melodymatters]

I am not currently suffering any angst about this, but I have recently met a group of new people and between hearing their stories and reading on here,I'm seeing that the R's that work best are mostly because people are prioritizing them above all else.

 

 

Honestly I think in the past I have done both, and lost and won both ways. My current marriage, our R is definitely the sun we orbit around.

 

Anything to add or discuss ?

[Tiger Lily]

My husband and I put our relationship with God first. Our marriage is second, but still of extremely high importance.

 

I don't think self-actualization has to be sacrificed in order to have a successful relationship; I think they can happen simultaneously. I can have a relationship with my husband, and work on becoming a more whole person spiritually, psychologically and socially.

[melodymatters]

I guess this is just sort of a Water is Wet thread, lol.

[Silly_Girl]

 

I don't think self-actualization has to be sacrificed in order to have a successful relationship; I think they can happen simultaneously. I can have a relationship with my husband, and work on becoming a more whole person spiritually, psychologically and socially.

 

I agree and actually think each are vital to enable the other, if you're choosing to be in a relationship.

[Thegameoflife]

I think it comes down to whether or not your marriage is a priority in your self-actualization. If you're striving to be the best partner, your relationship is probably going to be a lot better. Still takes two to make it good though.

[jphcbpa]

the idea of a "better half" is not real in a sense. you are two whole and separate people who can get love interdependently in order to bring real love to the R.

[Els]

I think that this would be one of the many things in life that would benefit from a healthy balance. Especially as the two aspects you mention are symbiotic - working on one benefits the other, and vice versa.

 

I understand that sometimes it's not so easy and clear-cut, and there may be a few times when you might have to choose one or the other. For instance, an amazing career opportunity that would take you away from your partner. In this case, I think a good key is to strive for a similar balance as your partner does. If truly compatible, that should not cause problems - otherwise, might be worth reconsidering.

[Nikki Sahagin]

This is a really good thread.

 

Hopefully your relationship and self actualisation can grow together.

 

In what ways do you feel you need to focus on yourself?

[tbf]

Both, concurrently. As long as people don't confuse self-actualization with being selfish, the more fulfilled and happier they'll get from self-improvement will translate to greater stores of positive energy they can expend on their partner and relationship.

 

The only cautionary is that if you enter a relationship with someone who's happy with status quo, who finds change threatening, you're either going to leave them behind, insist they change with you or the relationship will cease because of power struggles from insecurities and selfishness.

 

Take a look around at all the marriages and relationships that die. So many of them fit the model, from sexless marriages (where there's always one domineering partner or a passive-aggressive one topping from the bottom) to grass is greener types.

[melodymatters]

Wow, I had started this thread late one night and people didn't seem to get it, so I was going to let it drop, but since there seems to be renewed interest...

 

Of COURSE there needs to be both. Taken to an extreme, both parties would be sitting around the "fire" of their relationship, staring at each other in confusion saying " What do we Do ? What do we talk about ? Who ARE you, who am I, Keeping the fire alive is all we know how to do now !"

 

I guess having had serious relationships before, including marriage, I was trying to figure out what made this one different ( Besides the obvious) and that's what I saw.

 

In the past, I think I, and my partners, we're very much modern professional types, in which we were taught that every decision SHOULD first be filtered through the lens of self fulfillment. Eventually though, SOMETHING is going to come up that will strain the bond, and in those cases, it broke. His career. my career, his family, my family, my desire to live "here" his desire to do "this".

 

I would probably still be flying that way except for two things. One was being widowed after a brief marriage to a sweet guy, which made me realize how meaningless exterior stuff is when you are missing that special partner to share it with. The second was/is that my current H seemed to do this naturally, and so it only seemed fair to put as much in as he did.....and I love it ! It's great, it must be how some people feel when they find religion : Something greater than myself.

 

It's similar to putting children first in many ways, as they need to thrive and grow. We shouldn't put our partner first, we should put the RELATIONSHIP first, so that both may thrive and grow. Obviously this will only work with two giving empathetic partners.

 

My H and I talk all of the time, about everything and usually we both manage to get our needs met, but we know even if we lose one particular battle we STILL have won the "WAR" !

 

Anyway, those are my thoughts in the clear light of day.