Boyfriend still likes Ex, so I suggested a "break." Why hasn't responded?

[missmango]

Hello All,

 

I've been struggling to come to terms with the "break" between my boyfriend and I, which has led me to this forum, and I hope all of you will be able to provide me with some insights and opinions.

 

In a nutshell, my long-distance boyfriend of five months told me last week his ex was coming into town for two days (she's visiting her friends, not him), and that he was taking a day off work so he can spend time with her. I asked him about the nature of their friendship, and he confessed that he "really likes" me, but that he still has feelings for her.

 

They broke up last year because she moved to a different state for grad school, and it was her decision not to pursue a long distance relationship. He agreed, because that was what she wanted, but clearly not what he wanted. He met me about six months after their break up, and we hung out as friends for about a month before we became romantically involved. A few months into our relationship I got upset with him because I discovered he still harbored feelings for his ex. I told him I wanted out, but he begged me to stay and told me how much he cared for me. I tried to let go, but he was persistent. So, I stayed. That was stupid of me, because the same thing has happened ... he still has feelings for his ex, and he has trampled all over my heart.

 

I refuse to be any man's second choice, so after much thought I sent him an email suggesting "we need time apart" so he can figure out what he wants, and from whom, and so I can figure out how I can just be his friend.

 

It's been a week and he hasn't replied, and the question going through my head is "Why hasn't he replied?" followed by "What's going through his head?"

 

I'm hurting over the fact that he still loved his ex while he was with me, and it hurts even more that he hasn't responded to my email with an "I'm sorry" or even "Take as much time as you need." Did our relationship (and me, for that matter), mean so little to him that he couldn't bother to dignify my email with a response?

 

Where do I go from here? Should I just forget about him?

 

Your honest opinions and insights into the male mind would be much appreciated!

[Nicoleiia]

You need to dump him. He's not over his ex obviously and probably dated you to get over her, and it didn't work. It wasn't fair and you need to move on and start NC immediately.

[JDPT]

I think you need to understand the he is still in love with someone else. Sadly he dragged you into his state of mind and issues prior to resolving them in order to have an honest and healthy relationship with you. And that's simply not your fault. Don't expect him to reply, start preparing yourself to move on and walk away from this toxic relationship. You deserve more than this.

[Ashlaria]

I think it depends on the content of your email. If you asked for a break and said you didn't want him to contact you them maybe he is just respecting that. Maybe he just didn't want the drama of begging you to get back together as he did last time.

 

I'm am continually disheartened by the negatives put forward by other posters. Just because he still liked her doesn't mean he is in love with her or cheating on you. He might be struggling to decide what he wants and what to do for the best.

 

You have sent the email and asked for a break, now you have one. Use the time to decide what you want so you can be ready if/when he responds.

 

Good luck

[forgetmenot75]

He obviously doesn't care about your feelings. one week is way too much without a reply.

[Balzac]

It's on you. Fix it now.

 

I tried to let go, but he was persistent. So, I stayed

[missmango]

Thank you all for your insights and opinions!

 

He did reply after all. In his email he said he never intended to hurt me, and although he wishes we could be more than just friends, he's not ready to dive into a serious relationship with me.

 

He still loves his ex very much (she was his first everything), and wants to wait for her to finish grad school in three years so he can win her back. He said he misses me and thinks about me a lot, and asked if we could still be friends.

 

I said "No," because I needed to let him go in order to fully move on and heal. I wished him all the happiness in the world, and that I genuinely hope he finds whatever it is he's looking for.

 

I've since deleted him from my phone and all social media, and I have no intention of contacting him!

[aloneinaz]

Thank you all for your insights and opinions!

 

He did reply after all. In his email he said he never intended to hurt me, and although he wishes we could be more than just friends, he's not ready to dive into a serious relationship with me.

 

He still loves his ex very much (she was his first everything), and wants to wait for her to finish grad school in three years so he can win her back. He said he misses me and thinks about me a lot, and asked if we could still be friends.

 

I said "No," because I needed to let him go in order to fully move on and heal. I wished him all the happiness in the world, and that I genuinely hope he finds whatever it is he's looking for.

 

I've since deleted him from my phone and all social media, and I have no intention of contacting him!

 

You're going to be fine. You appear to have a good head on your shoulders and shouldn't take it personal. He just needed a rebound from his ex and you were there. This happens all the time and that's why so many folks are cautious about getting involved w/someone freshly out of a long relationship. I know I was asked a lot when I got back online dating. I said I was broken up for several weeks and many asked "are you over her"..

 

You're young. Find someone else who can give you 100% of his head and love.

[missmango]

Thank you for that, aloneinaz!