New rlationshp,New country,Said the wrong thing,cultural difference? how to fix this

[ToThinkIs]

Hello. I'm a bit new. Will try to keep it short as possible but it's hard to tell background on a story in a short way....please take a few minutes to read this in its entirety, please please please. I'll try to keep follow-up responses much shorter!

 

Im a 30 year old medical student doing my education abroad from my home country. I've been here a couple years and after a particularly bad break up with my ex-boyfriend a year and change ago, I met a new guy. He is a local of where I live now. English is his second language but he speaks it very well, as do most educated people here. Most people are bilingual or trilingual here.

 

he is the first man I have felt anything strong for since my ex. We've only dated about 3.5 months, but I have fallen for him in this time period. We started dating at an inopportune time, since I was literally in the midst of studying for my licensing exam when we met. It was among the most stressful periods of my education/career thus far-- try to imagine your future resting on the results of a single 8 hour long exam, that you spend 14-16 hours A DAY studying for, for nearly two months. I thought I might go insane. But I met this guy and despite the fact that he was going through a big move himself, and I was going through this test, we kept dating. He had initially suggested we split up at first in the first couple weeks we met because of our mutually stressful lives but I told him I thought we should give it a go anyway since we liked each other.

 

He was very supportive of me during this stressful period, and I of him. It wasn't easy. Sometimes we didn't see each other for a week, maybe almost two. The last 2-3 weeks before my exam though he was extremely supportive, coming over my house almost every evening to bring me dinner or keep me company and just cuddle and sleep with me at night to destress me.

 

Unfortunately stress makes people irritable and not themselves. I readily admit I occasionally got irritable, and snapped at him sometimes. For better or worse, he did not want to stress me before my exam and he kept his dissatisfaction with things hidden from me. Everytime I did something that bothered him, he would keep it mostly to himself in an effort not to stress me until my exam was over. While this is great, the end result is that I was unaware of how much certain things I did or said bothered him, and it built up in his mind apparently.

 

One particularly bad thing I said which I sincerely regret was in regards to his sexual performance during a few periods. In the back of my mind I told myself the worst thing you can say to a man is something insulting about his sexual abilities, and yet in frustration I said it anyway, several times. To be specific, there were quite a few times in which he was unable to finish sex because he'd just lose his erection or be unable to finish at all, and after a while I guess between being so stressed and really wanting sex I started to take it personally. I let my self-esteem issues make me think that somehow it was my fault he wasn't able to complete sex, or that somehow he wasnt really attracted to me, which is stupid I guess since he was always telling me how beautiful he thought I was, but again.....I don't want to use it as an excuse, but I really wasn't myself the last couple months because of the studying I had to do. I'm not sure if there are other medical students/physicians out there, but there are few words to describe how stressful this one particular licensing exam is. It has brought many people to the brink of insanity. There were times I thought I'd go crazy sitting studying 14 hours a day, every day. To start a brand new relationship while studying for this exam is probably the worst idea , and yet I liked him so much from the moment I met him I did not want to let an opportunity with him pass me by.

 

This guy, though, let's call him John. John was the one thing that kept me sane the last three months. I love being with him most of the time. He cuddles me at night like no one I've ever met. I love waking up next to him.

 

We do come from different cultures, but he's not the first "international" man I've dated. Sometimes I will admit the fact that English is not his first language must obviously be difficult for him in our conversations/arguments.....I speak more than one language, but sometimes I forget that the ability to fully express myself is much more organic and easier in English than in the other languages I am able to speak, and I guess I take it for granted that just because he speaks English very well, doesn't mean he's comfortable in the intensive conversations/arguments we have like I am. Because I do not speak his mother tongue, we established our relationship in English.

 

I never thought this was a big deal, but I think over time he started to feel that maybe I would alwasy get mad at things he said or did because I was not able to understand him fully, or he wasnt expressing himself correctly in english. I invited him for a dinner with my American friends and he said he felt like an outsider because he didnt know all the jokes they were making (eg- cultural references and etc that you'd have to grow up in America to really appreciate I guess). I have met his brother so far, who also speaks english, but ive not met his other friends yet , mostly because of my schedule recently. I think he sometimes gets concerned my lack of ability to speak the local language will make acclimating me to his social circle weird, even though most people he knows speak english very well, obvously its weird when a bunch of people all have to speak in their second language purely because I am the one American in their midst.

 

He is a little shy at times and he does not deal that well with big changes. He is 37 years old and never been married, and I know he gets pressure from this by his family. He's got younger siblings already married. He's successful and smart. He is a bit emotional on the inside but a bit macho on the outside, which is a cultural thing here for sure. And the macho thing on the outside is probably why my commenting on his brief inability to perform in bed several times really stuck with him. It was the one time he's raised his voice at me since I met him, and he brought it up again the other night saying "ive been with a lot of women in my life and you are the only one who has ever complained about my ability to have sex, and you've done it several times". I had apologised about it before, but I guess it stuck with him.

 

Combine all this with the fact that he didnt want to start arguments with me to not stress me before my exam, and perhaps I can see how its possible that two nights ago he came over as usual, and out of the blue whilst sitting on my bed about to get ready for sleep, he told me he thought we should break up. He specifically said "I think I should maybe find a <<insert local nationality here>> girlfriend."

 

His reasoning was that maybe I was always getting mad at him because we were just too different, from different backgrounds. That he felt out of place with the friends I introduced him to. That maybe he would have a better future potential with someone from the same culture, though I must say that throughout our relationship so far he has done nothing but complain about the local girls and express how nice it is that I am polite, that I like sex so much more than girls here seem to, that I am a great cook, that I am beautiful, and many other good things. When he was stressed about some things he would call me and say how much better he felt after talking to me about it. But I think lately he has focused on how irritable I've been because of my intense study schedule, rather than remembering the things he likes about me.

 

I'm afraid I have pushed him away. I started crying and begging him to give it another month, because since I just finished my exam and am transitioning to the next step of my education, that while I will still be busy it will not be the same manner as the last couple months. I tried to explain that we started our relationship in an intensely stressful period for me and that I would feel really upset if I thought that we gave up on this relationship just when I was actually coming to a point where I would have the time and mental energy to devote myself to a relationship properly.

 

I think in the back of his mind , while he didnt say this, that he is concerned that my career will bring me back to America and he is unsure if he wants to move from his home country. He does get anxious at the prospect of big change, and I think he is also a little scared of committment despite the fact that he concurrently is anxious over the fact that he is already 37 and still not married, which is much older than the average age people get married around here. I think he probably worries that my career/stress will increase rather than getting better-- and in some ways, yes, the life of a physician is not a stress-free one but I too am very much geared towards a family life. I want a husband and kids one day. I'm not a total-career woman who has no desire for a family life....it's something I want very much. I mean I'm almost 31 years old....my last relationship took up 4 years of my life that I wasted and I too do not want to waste anymore time with something that has no potential, but with this guy, i think there could be potential. It's possible I might have to go back to america but i like him enough that i want to give it a little more time to at least see how our relationship can progress without the pressure of my licensing exam over my head, now that is behind me.

 

He ended up spending the night when he broke up with me anyway, and the whole night cuddled me, hugged me, kissed me like he always does. In the morning he got dressed to leave, and he just looked so miserable. He said he hated how he felt at that moment watching me be so upset. I told him maybe he felt bad because he was making the wrong decision by breaking up, and he said maybe that was true. I was crying. He said he can't stand seeing me cry. I'm not sure if it's because he cares about me, or beause he just feels guilty for making me cry. He cupped my face in his hands and kissed me before he left. He said if I wanted to talk more we could talk about this more, but that he needed the weekend at least to think. He didnt really say what he wanted to think about. Just that he needed to think.

 

I dont know what he's thinking. I haven't spoken to him in about a day and a half since he left that morning. I've given him space over the weekend. Im hoping he will call me tomorrow, but I guess I can call him by tomorrow or monday if he doesnt and say I would like to talk.

 

I just don't know what to say. I really care about this guy and would be devastated if I thought that the stress of the last couple months destroyed the potential this relationship has. We started this relationship in a very stressful period, and I dont feel either of us really had the chance to give it the attention a new relationship needs. Weve both made mistakes and stupid things at times, and I can't take back things I've said , only apologise intensly and never do it again. I asked him to please just give it another month. He seemed on the fence about this idea-- he said something about how he was 37 years old and feels like he doesnt have the luxury of just spending time on relationships with no potential like he did when he was younger, but the whole time we were breaking up he did seem like there was something in him where he wasn't 100% certain of his decision which gives me a little hope. He still likes me, that much I know. But i think the little arguments that he let build up in his mind, along with probably his insecurity about where I will be in a year or two, combined with his fear of change and longstanding committment issues...it's a lot to address.

 

I dont know what to do. I dont know what to say to him. Please help me try to sort this out because my thoughts are a jumble. I really need advice on how to approach this with him to try to salvage it and make him reconsider the break up and to give it just a little more time before he decides if this really has no potential or not.

 

thank you for any insight. please let me know if there's anything i should clarify.

 

cheers

[ExpatInItaly]

Ultimately you can't force anybody to date you.

 

If I was in your shoes I'd take a bit of responsibility and stop blaming the exams. If you said those things, that's an aspect of your personality. Not a nice one or one that people would like to admit but it's there. Lots of people get stressed, not everybody takes it out on other people.

 

I'd give him a few days. Then apologise, perhaps explain to him a bit more fully about how losing his erection affected your self esteem as well, and let him know that you will work on that aspect of yourself. Lay out to him exactly what he means to you, what you see your future with him being, basically put all of your cards on the table.

 

If he still doesn't want to come back then its just something you're going to have to live with. To be honest it sounds like he's had the patience of a saint and most men wouldn't have tolerated it. And calling him out for losing an erection is kamikaze, it just means he's going to stress out and be more likely to lose it the next time! Anyway, hope it goes well

 

I can't even imagine how I'd feel if a guy made negative comments about my performance. Coupled with a stress-case of a partner, that builds a lot of resentment..not to mention humiliation. What exactly did you say to him about his performance, OP?

[Adele0908]

I'm not in medical school but have friends who recently graduated, so I have heard how stressful those exams are. As a resident, life may still be stressful. Some of my friends that are residents see patients and still have to take exams. It might not be such a good idea to take on too many things at this time. Stress can definitely affect your relationships

 

Also, when you have to study and apply logic and reasoning to your studies, and spend most of your brain activity on logic and reasoning, you can forget to shut that off at the end of the day with your loved ones. You can't apply logic and reasoning to a relationship. You have to learn to separate your love life from your medical career. Also, between studying and dating, where is the time for you to relax and de-stress? Instead of focusing on this man, what about focusing on making yourself feel good. Once you are relaxed, your interactions with him will be more relaxed, and he would feel more comfortable with you.

 

This man might be gone, he may not want to bother with you, but its not the end of the world, just learn from it and do better next time.

 

I also agree with brick.

[ToThinkIs]

Ultimately you can't force anybody to date you.

 

If I was in your shoes I'd take a bit of responsibility and stop blaming the exams. If you said those things, that's an aspect of your personality. Not a nice one or one that people would like to admit but it's there. Lots of people get stressed, not everybody takes it out on other people.

 

I'd give him a few days. Then apologise, perhaps explain to him a bit more fully about how losing his erection affected your self esteem as well, and let him know that you will work on that aspect of yourself. Lay out to him exactly what he means to you, what you see your future with him being, basically put all of your cards on the table.

 

If he still doesn't want to come back then its just something you're going to have to live with. To be honest it sounds like he's had the patience of a saint and most men wouldn't have tolerated it. And calling him out for losing an erection is kamikaze, it just means he's going to stress out and be more likely to lose it the next time! Anyway, hope it goes well

 

Hello

 

Yes I agree there are better ways of dealing with it than just calling it out perhaps, and honestly the first few times I ignored it but this didnt happen a couple times....it happened a lot. I nicely asked at first if something was wrong. The next time I asked if there was something I could be doing to make the experience better. I blamed it on myself at first, asking him what I could do that he'd like/find pleasurable. I tried to be flirty and sexy about it. But he'd just say "nothing's wrong", and it would happen again and again. I'd get all worked up and horny, want sex really badly, and he'd just start and stop, start and stop, and finally just stop and give up. It's like his mind was elsewhere, and it started to really frustrate me. Literally I asked him what he was thinking once, and he said he was thinking he has to buy a stove for his new apartment. A freaking stove! How was that not supposed to insult me that he's thinking about stoves when he's in bed with me? When I'm in bed with him, I think about HIM, period. Eventually he said he just had things on his mind with selling his house and moving and that if he was distracted in thought for even a moment it's enough for him to lose his interest in sex at that moment. Fine, I understand that happening once in a while, but it's incredibly frustrating to be stressed out to begin with studying 14 hours a day, and then constantly have someone just STOP in the middle of sex, roll over, and decide they are just done for the moment. And yet, if he wanted me to go down on him, I would. Every time. I'd go down on him sometimes 2-3 times a day, and on those occasions, he had no problems coming. He'd be hard in a matter of seconds, I'd be able to finish him in two minutes. He raves constantly about how good I am at giving him oral sex. That it's nearly the best he's ever had and that he's "addicted" to my giving it to him. To the point that it made me think he'd rather get that from me than make love to me. I'm flattered that he thinks I am so proficient at oral sex, really I am. It's a good talent to have. But I do not get anything physically pleasurable out of giving oral sex. I get personal satisfation from making him feel good, but after a while I started to feel like he was being a little selfish. And I got frustrated and snapped a few times and brought attention to his inability to maintain an erection/sex to completion a few times, and the more it happened the more frustrated I got, and yes, I readily admit that I could have avoided it or said it more nicely a few times.

 

I'm not trying to blame everything on exams. I am not a bad person. I worked as a therapist for 6 years before I went to medical school. I know how to talk to people. I am normally very patient, kind, caring and giving. But the most kind, nice people can sometimes snap and get frustrated. I don't think you understand the kind of stress I was under those two months, and combine that with a brand new relationship in which I am trying to get to know someone, and it is stress beyond. I have never in my life encountered a man who was unable to finish sex with me so often (i've had the occasional tired or drunk boyfriend who had an incident once or twice, but never this often in such a short time frame, so early in the realtionship). And I have to tell you I started to feel insecure. I told him it made me feel like I was doing something wrong, and he insisted it had nothing to do with me and that he just had things on his mind and that it's just difficult for him to come from regular sex, but I've never experienced this with a man before. He finishes so readily with oral sex, and yet with regular sex he can go for an hour and never come, or he just doesnt keep his erection. If I go down on him first, then he can switch to sex and come inside of me, but without oral sex first, lately it's like forget it. sorry if that's graphic but it is what it is.

 

The first month we were together he didnt seem to have this issue so often, so when it just started happening very often, I can't help it....I took it personally and I got extremely frustrated. Trust me when I say I tried to blame it on myself or nicely ask what I could do to make him feel good, and nothing worked. I told myself to be nice about it and just let it go because it would make it worse, and I agree....it's possible that even mentioning it nicely a couple times make him more anxious about it in the long run and made a vicious circle of happening more. I don't know.

 

What I do know is that I do care about this man and I want to try to make it work. I am used to being the partner in a relationship that wants sex more often. That is not a new thing to me. Ive never had a boyfriend who wanted sex as often as I do, and that's ok. I have a high drive but I can find balance. But to always feel like Im left frustrated just because his mind wanders?. But this situation I really didnt know how to deal with properly , I was at a loss after a while as to how to approach it, and obviously when I mentioned a few things not quite as nicely after a while it stuck in his head.

 

Despite this I care about him a lot for some reason, and I enjoy spending time with him and everything else. He was so incredivly supportive during my exam period otherwise, and there are so many things about him I love that I want to be able to give this relationship a real chance when Im not under immense pressure from school like I was recently.

 

I havent spoken to him in a couple days like he asked for space to think, but I do want to talk to him to try to convince him that our disagreements have nothing to do with cultural differences. Because frankly I think it's pretty normal misunderstandings we tend to have that men and women get into no matter where they are from. Mars and Venus and all that jazz....

 

But if he doesnt call me tonight I will probably call myself and ask to take him up on his offer to talk about it more. I just want to be able to say the right thing to express how much it means to me to try again, that I am serious about a future, that I'm not trying to waste time either, and that we've both said stupid things but that I dont think that means we have no future, because we've had many great moments as well and i think when you are upset with someone that often it is easy to forget the good and focus on the few negative things that are more recent.

 

Help? How to approach a conversation like this with a guy? Between this and my initial post I hope I've given enough info on the situation?

[ToThinkIs]

I can't even imagine how I'd feel if a guy made negative comments about my performance. Coupled with a stress-case of a partner, that builds a lot of resentment..not to mention humiliation. What exactly did you say to him about his performance, OP?

 

Hello

 

I mentioned it a few times. At first simply asked "is something wrong" or "is there something I am doing wrong or I can do better for you", etc. More blaming it on myself than him.

 

Then it happened again and again, and out of frustration I said things along the lines of (not verbatim) , "i'm not sure what to do, because it is difficult for me to come when you stop and start and stop again suddenly" or when he said i was exaggerating I became exasperated and said something about him "going soft" during our last evening together. That last comment is what really set him off. The "soft" reference, that is the first and only time he has ever raised his voice at me. Somehow that really insulted him even more than anything else I said, but in combination with prior references to the same issue he blew up at me that night, saying it basically is an insult to his manhood. I dont remember exact words anymore honestly, Im sorry.

 

It was a disaster tho. I regret bringing it up as much as I did. But I did, so what else can i do right now??

[ToThinkIs]

I'm not in medical school but have friends who recently graduated, so I have heard how stressful those exams are. As a resident, life may still be stressful. Some of my friends that are residents see patients and still have to take exams. It might not be such a good idea to take on too many things at this time. Stress can definitely affect your relationships

 

Also, when you have to study and apply logic and reasoning to your studies, and spend most of your brain activity on logic and reasoning, you can forget to shut that off at the end of the day with your loved ones. You can't apply logic and reasoning to a relationship. You have to learn to separate your love life from your medical career. Also, between studying and dating, where is the time for you to relax and de-stress? Instead of focusing on this man, what about focusing on making yourself feel good. Once you are relaxed, your interactions with him will be more relaxed, and he would feel more comfortable with you.

 

This man might be gone, he may not want to bother with you, but its not the end of the world, just learn from it and do better next time.

 

I also agree with brick.

 

You're right...it's not the end of the world. But I don't meet men I care about/like very often. I liked him from the moment I set eyes on him...I dont really know why, I just did. He's cute, yes, but there are lots of cute guys out there I have no emotional attraction to. I mentioned before I had a lengthy relationship that ended very badly about a year before I met John, this new guy. I didn't really date or see anyone in almost a year. I spent most of that year pretty depressed and lonely and thinking I'd never find anyone that liked me like that again. My ex really messed me up. He was not a good person. So when I fell for John it was like, wow, I can feel this way again, how nice. And I was so stressed with my licensing exam, he really kept me sane. After 15 hour days he'd come over and we'd hang out on weeeknds and i'd make dinner for us and we'd just chill, cuddle in bed, kiss and hug. It WAS my relaxation period, what little time I had for it.

 

But we didn't have the time and energy to really devote to establishing a new relationship. I dont think starting a relationship under such duress was the best move but I didnt want to let him slip by me and so I tried anyway. And he DID help me get through this period mentally. he was a ray of sunshine, usually, in an otherwise endless, lonely period of sitting at a desk for horus and hours, days on end, months on end. Prior to meeting him I had gone thorugh a nearly 9 month long depression after my break-up with my ex, feeling very down on myself and had gained a bunch of weight, wasn't happy at all, was always stressed out, didn't feel good about myself, and John comes along and thinks Im beautiful and we have generally such a good time together. I tried to explain to him how sorry I was that sometimes I was difficult. That my last relationship was rough, that it messed me up a little and I'm still trying to acclimate to being with someone new....someone that isn't a horrible person. It's not easy.

 

I'm really scared I've messed this up. I know I wont die it we stay broken up. I know eventually everyone gets over things. But I care about him. I like being with him, and he gives me the strength and motivation to keep going sometimes in a career choice path that is often very dark and stressful. I am very far from home, most of my family is in america, my good friends are in america. I have some new ones ive made here but it isnt the same intimacy as I've had with John.

 

I really just don't know what to say to him right now to make him want to realise he's made a mistake. I think he is not fully confident in his decision to break up with me. If he was 100% condifent he wanted to do it I dont think he would have looked so upset the other day, or said maybe it wasnt the right decision, or that he even needs to think about anything so maybe there is still hope. who knows...

[ExpatInItaly]

You're right...it's not the end of the world. But I don't meet men I care about/like very often. I liked him from the moment I set eyes on him...I dont really know why, I just did. He's cute, yes, but there are lots of cute guys out there I have no emotional attraction to. I mentioned before I had a lengthy relationship that ended very badly about a year before I met John, this new guy. I didn't really date or see anyone in almost a year. I spent most of that year pretty depressed and lonely and thinking I'd never find anyone that liked me like that again. My ex really messed me up. He was not a good person. So when I fell for John it was like, wow, I can feel this way again, how nice. And I was so stressed with my licensing exam, he really kept me sane. After 15 hour days he'd come over and we'd hang out on weeeknds and i'd make dinner for us and we'd just chill, cuddle in bed, kiss and hug. It WAS my relaxation period, what little time I had for it.

 

But we didn't have the time and energy to really devote to establishing a new relationship. I dont think starting a relationship under such duress was the best move but I didnt want to let him slip by me and so I tried anyway. And he DID help me get through this period mentally. he was a ray of sunshine, usually, in an otherwise endless, lonely period of sitting at a desk for horus and hours, days on end, months on end. Prior to meeting him I had gone thorugh a nearly 9 month long depression after my break-up with my ex, feeling very down on myself and had gained a bunch of weight, wasn't happy at all, was always stressed out, didn't feel good about myself, and John comes along and thinks Im beautiful and we have generally such a good time together. I tried to explain to him how sorry I was that sometimes I was difficult. That my last relationship was rough, that it messed me up a little and I'm still trying to acclimate to being with someone new....someone that isn't a horrible person. It's not easy.

 

I'm really scared I've messed this up. I know I wont die it we stay broken up. I know eventually everyone gets over things. But I care about him. I like being with him, and he gives me the strength and motivation to keep going sometimes in a career choice path that is often very dark and stressful. I am very far from home, most of my family is in america, my good friends are in america. I have some new ones ive made here but it isnt the same intimacy as I've had with John.

 

I really just don't know what to say to him right now to make him want to realise he's made a mistake. I think he is not fully confident in his decision to break up with me. If he was 100% condifent he wanted to do it I dont think he would have looked so upset the other day, or said maybe it wasnt the right decision, or that he even needs to think about anything so maybe there is still hope. who knows...

 

It hurts, but he may not think he's made a mistake. He may really feel he's made the right decision. The only thing you can do now is to back off and give him space. Clearly there were some things about the relationship that weren't working for him.

 

If he wasn't 100% sure it was the right choice, then it's likely you will hear from him soon. You've already apologized to him, so there isn't much else you can do right now. After the dust has settled, he may want to reconnect. In the meantime, take care of yourself.

[ToThinkIs]

He said he'd call me tomorow to possible hang out this week. Have dinner and etc.

 

On the phone I could tell he was conflicted, Im just not sure about what. He said he couldn't stand to hear me cry, that he didnt want to be an ass*ole, and I was having difficult discerning if he seemed conflicted because my crying just made him feel bad in general, or if it was because specifically he wasn't sure of what to do because somewhere in him he cares and actually wants to be with me, but is maybe afraid of various factors and unsure if he wants to risk giving it one more chance. That once he made decisions he is supposed to stick to them....my response was that if people didn't make wrong/hasty decisions the word "regret" wouldnt exist, and that maybe he was feeling bad because he made a wrong decision, based on a very stressful period in my life in which it was probably one of the worst possible times to try to start a new relationship. But that I felt we had a connection, which he had admitted to, and that it was stupid to give up just because we both acted stupidly at times.

 

I am trying to believe that if he didnt care about me then it wouldnt' matter if I was crying.....that he'd just say, sorry, it's over, and that's it. But he has seemed very conflicted when we speak, like he's not sure if it's the right decision but that he has too much pride to very easily go back on any decision, including breaking up with someone.

 

Theoretically I think I talked him into letting me make dinner one evening this week and just hanging out and talking a bit. He seemed reluctant on if it was a good idea but didn't say no either. Said he'll call me tomorrow night to make plans. I hope he does decide this is worth giving one more shot. He's not perfect, neither am I, and I think it could be a good thing if we both put in the proper effort and communicated. He said he held in a lot of things that bothered him purely because he didnt want to stress me out before my licensing exam, and while I really appreciate he didnt upset me at such a critical time, I also know that lack of communication about little things ends up being the death of a relationship in the long run. Now that my exam is over, despite my continued hectic life, I want to believe that if we are both honest with each other here on out that it could be amazing.

 

i just wish I knew what to say.

[ExpatInItaly]

He said he'd call me tomorow to possible hang out this week. Have dinner and etc.

 

On the phone I could tell he was conflicted, Im just not sure about what. He said he couldn't stand to hear me cry, that he didnt want to be an ass*ole, and I was having difficult discerning if he seemed conflicted because my crying just made him feel bad in general, or if it was because specifically he wasn't sure of what to do because somewhere in him he cares and actually wants to be with me, but is maybe afraid of various factors and unsure if he wants to risk giving it one more chance. That once he made decisions he is supposed to stick to them....my response was that if people didn't make wrong/hasty decisions the word "regret" wouldnt exist, and that maybe he was feeling bad because he made a wrong decision, based on a very stressful period in my life in which it was probably one of the worst possible times to try to start a new relationship. But that I felt we had a connection, which he had admitted to, and that it was stupid to give up just because we both acted stupidly at times.

 

I am trying to believe that if he didnt care about me then it wouldnt' matter if I was crying.....that he'd just say, sorry, it's over, and that's it. But he has seemed very conflicted when we speak, like he's not sure if it's the right decision but that he has too much pride to very easily go back on any decision, including breaking up with someone.

 

Theoretically I think I talked him into letting me make dinner one evening this week and just hanging out and talking a bit. He seemed reluctant on if it was a good idea but didn't say no either. Said he'll call me tomorrow night to make plans. I hope he does decide this is worth giving one more shot. He's not perfect, neither am I, and I think it could be a good thing if we both put in the proper effort and communicated. He said he held in a lot of things that bothered him purely because he didnt want to stress me out before my licensing exam, and while I really appreciate he didnt upset me at such a critical time, I also know that lack of communication about little things ends up being the death of a relationship in the long run. Now that my exam is over, despite my continued hectic life, I want to believe that if we are both honest with each other here on out that it could be amazing.

 

i just wish I knew what to say.

 

Uh oh. Please don't get any more invested in this guy. He's broken up with you and now he's reluctantly coming to see you. Furthermore, he's admitted that he was bothered by some things during the relationship. This wasn't a sudden feeling of discontent for him. Tread very carefully.

 

And a guy with a shred of compassion will of course be upset to see or hear you cry. That doesn't necessarily mean he's still in love with you. The bottom line is that he may in fact be conflicted and not sure he made the right decision, but don't try to convince yourself of that unless you hear it from his mouth. People can and will do/say things to pacify a hurt ex-partner without having any intention of getting back together.

[ToThinkIs]

Uh oh. Please don't get any more invested in this guy. He's broken up with you and now he's reluctantly coming to see you. Furthermore, he's admitted that he was bothered by some things during the relationship. This wasn't a sudden feeling of discontent for him. Tread very carefully.

 

And a guy with a shred of compassion will of course be upset to see or hear you cry. That doesn't necessarily mean he's still in love with you. The bottom line is that he may in fact be conflicted and not sure he made the right decision, but don't try to convince yourself of that unless you hear it from his mouth. People can and will do/say things to pacify a hurt ex-partner without having any intention of getting back together.

 

Hey again

 

So I saw him last week for dinner and we talked a lot. He seemed still really unsure of what he wanted. Kept calling himself "damaged goods" and asking why do I want to be with him. It makes me start to wonder if the problem is not that he doesnt like me (which he obviously does seem to at this point), but that there is some internal conflict, or something about/with himself he doesn't like and is not willing to yet share with me. I know its only been about 4 months we've been together, and i cant expect him to tell me every life secret, but my instinct tells me there is something he is not telling me about how he feels about himself or something that happened to him in the past that is making him really uncomfortable with long-term relationships. He's said he has a discomfort with intimacy/relationships, and yet he hates to be single or alone. He likes everything about me and spending time with me, and yet has this completely pessemisitc view about the future of relationships.

 

I ended up spending the night. I honestly had just about giving up in trying to convince him to be with me. I just got up to hug him, thinking I'd just leave and go home, but he hugged me back really tight and we just stood there on his balcony hugging and not saying anything with him stroking my hair. After like 15 minutes of standing like this he kissed me and said if I wanted to stay overnight that would be nice. So I stayed. We had sex. I woke up in the morning to go to work and he kisses me before going to his car and again says something along the lines of "i don't know why you are doing this to yourself, i'm damaged goods, why would you want me", and i just said something along the lines of my being an adult who could decide what risks I wanted to take. I can't tell if it's low self esteem with him or something deeper I haven't touched on yet but I try to be positive and supportive.

 

There wasn't any point at which he said officially "ok we are back together", but for the last week he's been calling and talking to me as if things were mostly back to "normal", whatever that is. I spent a couple days with him, then spent most of the work week apart (though we did talk on the phone....he asked me to hang out one night but our schedules just didnt mesh this week.) It's the weekend now and we spent last night and this morning together, and tonight he said he wanted to just be alone, so I hung out with some friends instead which was fine. I don't think couples need to spend every day together.

 

He's said more than once that he doesn't know what he wants and that it's hard for him to be in relationships. He won't tell me why. I can tell he is keeping some thought from me but it's almost like he's embarressed to tell me what it is and for the life of me I have no idea what he is keeping that could make him keep acting as if he's not good enough for me.

 

I know that whoever reads this will likely tell me to run for the hills and ditch this dude because he seems unstable and like he has serious committment issues, and maybe in some ways that is what I should do, but I can't seem to. I do care about him, and maybe that part of me that craves taking care of others makes it hard for me to "give up" on someone when I feel like they are so afraid of intimacy that they push people away, when on the inside I know he really likes to be around me.

 

it's an odd situation. I guess I can just take it one day at a time and see what happens. I told myself that if he tried to pull the "break up" thing one more time I would just give up and move on, say I tried, and that's it. He keeps telling me he hasn't stayed with anyone over three months in many years. his last long term girlfriend was over 6 years ago, and from what he tells me, she burned him really badly (like, he moved halfway around the world for her, only to have her not only break up with him, but cheat on him with two of his best friends....). I understand how that could hurt someone but really, can it affect him this badly 6-7 years later? he keeps saying he never seems to stay with anyone over 3 months anymore...he broke up with me around the 3 month mark, and now (assuming we are back together) we are pushing the 4 month mark, which somehow seems to really scare him when he's reminded of it.

 

Sigh.