curlygirl40 Posted July 20, 2013 Posted July 20, 2013 Hi everyone! Been a while since I've come on here asking advice. Back in Feb/March (can't remember exactly) I met a guy from Match. Great guy. In getting to know him, he was recently divorced (January), owns his own business and that keeps him busy and he has 2 young kids that he has most of the time. Coaches their soccer and baseball teams, etc. Just from what I know about him and from our conversations, he doesn't really have time for a serious relationship. And he lives 1.5 hours away from me. When I met him that's what I thought I was looking for. A relationship. But then my life went in a different direction and I gave up on that for now (long story, won't go into it). We had sex on the 4th or 5th date (I can't recall exactly) without any sort of discussion about exclusivity. I knew that was a risk and breaking some of my rules but at the time I just realized that he couldn't be in a relationship and I decided that being casual was o.k with me. I enjoyed being with him but I was pretty sure it was never going to go anywhere. He was doing all of the 'right' things in a lot of ways. He initiated contact with me daily, he asked me out on dates. He was always a gentleman. We would go out to dinner (we often split the check), he offered twice to come to me (1.5 hours away) to take me to lunch when he knew sex was off the table. So it never felt like it was only about sex. He would do some future talk like he was assuming we would be together for the short term future. But yet all of the telltale 'signs' that a guy wants to progress the relationship weren't there. We only saw each other about every other week. I had a hunch he might have been dating other people during this time but I never asked. His profile was still online. (mine was hidden but I would check). I never spent the night. He never invited me out with his friends or anything like that. So this went on for about 3 months. In that time I think we only saw each other about 9 times. So like I said, that's not really a relationship. And I was o.k with that. We never talked about it though. At the 3 month mark a guy from my past came into my life and I wanted to see where it was going to go with him. I talked to the first guy and I told him just that, about the old friend coming back into my life and it didn't seem fair to keep seeing him while I was talking to this other guy (who was long distance). He said that he understood and said that he always had a good time with me and he said to keep in touch. From then on, every 3-4 days he would text me and just say hi, how are you doing. Keeping in touch stuff. He never got inappropriate with me so I would text him back. I do remember one night he texted me and told me he missed me which I thought was strange. He was never lovey like that with me while we were dating. We would go 2 weeks without seeing each other and he would never say he missed me then. Once about 3-4 weeks ago texted me one night and was getting a little naughty and I told him that I couldn't do that. He respected that and stopped the talk. He never asked me how it was going with the other guy. He kept the every handful of days texting going for a while and then dropped out of contact. O.K, phew. Now, here is my question if you are still reading. lol Things with the other guy have broken off. I'm single and available. I look on Match and this guy is still on there. So today I text him. He gets back to me immediately and we banter for a bit. How have you been type of stuff. Then I make the mistake of saying 'I'm back in the single world if you ever want to get me naked in your pool' (a joke we had). He says: I always had so much fun with you, but I'm seeing somebody. I don't know where it's going to go so you never know though. Me: Good luck to you, I hope it works out! Then I say: I am so sorry that was very inappropriate of me. I should have asked. He says 'don't be sorry. Next time it will be me asking you' I said ':-) enjoy your day' Then he comes back: 'LOL Did you just block out our conversation and want to start over?' (I'm not really sure what 'conversation' he's talking about here. When I ended things it wasn't a long drawn out conversation it was quick and he said he understood then we started bantering and actually texted that whole night just talking about life and the kids and stuff. But I have to assume that's what he meant) Me: I'm sorry I saw you on Match so I assumed you weren't seeing anyone. I'm single again so I thought I would reach out to you. I shouldn't have been so forward though. A downfall of mine. Him: Oh no. I'm glad you texted. I almost texted you not too long ago but I know how you are. Which I like. I try to be the same way. You're always in my phone. Gotta shower heading out for the day. Stay cool I will admit it was always so casual with us and that's how I thought he wanted it so I didn't think anything of trying to pick up a FWB situation with him again. But now I feel horrible. I'm confused about this. He is obviously somewhat receptive to me being in touch. This whole time (2 months) that we have been broken up, he has reached out to me MANY times just to say hi. He did drop off the last 3 ish weeks though and I'm so stupid I should have seen that as a sign that he was seeing someone since he dropped off. I really didn't think that I meant anything to him I just thought we were having fun and enjoying each other's company. But then now after seeing his texts I'm not sure what to think. I won't reach out to him again since he told me he is seeing someone I will back off. I won't be disrespectful like that again. Any thoughts?? Do you think this is a matter of me thinking the relationship wasn't going anywhere and him actually thinking we were in a relationship? We just never talked about it so I assumed the pace we were at was what he wanted. I'm perplexed and not sure how to play it if he does ask to see me in the future. He says
Axee Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Surprised no ones replied yet.. Anyways.. He likes you .. Give him a serious thought.. Just be in touch with him casually.. just the way he was .. He may ask you again...
RebelWithoutACause Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 So you used to have a FWB situation going with him which now you want to resume. However, for whatever reasons, he doesn't want that at the moment. I don't think you have any reason to feel bad or embarrassed. That's the nature of FWBs, you do it when it's convenient for you, the other person is not a priority. Just like he wasn't a priority for you when you ended things with him, the same way you are not a priority now that he has other things going. You've made it clear you are available so leave the ball in his court, he'll come back if he wants another FWB with you in the near future. That is, if you want the same thing too, if you want something more i.e. a real relationship, then this is a whole other story.
salparadise Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 (edited) All of it sounds perfectly reasonable and natural to me. The only thing I'd add is that I'll bet he wasn't thinking of it as an FWB situation during the time you were dating him. Maybe you didn't have "the talk" but he probably felt that you were dating and probably felt exclusive once you started having sex. Three months isn't much time especially if you're not able to see each other frequently, so perhaps he felt like things were stable and would naturally progress in due time. The fact that he told you that he was seeing someone rather than taking you up on your offer for sex supports the thought that his orientation is one-at-a-time. If he contacts you again it will probably mean he's no longer seeing the other person. That would be your opening to ask and clarify if he wants to start dating again, and with what objective. What do you want - to date, a relationship or just FWB? Edited July 21, 2013 by salparadise
MrTurk Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 What dont you get? He was keeping in touch with you, keeping himself on the back burner in case things didnt work out with you and your guy. But then he found someone new, and you are no longer in the equation. How hard is that to understand
Author curlygirl40 Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 All of it sounds perfectly reasonable and natural to me. The only thing I'd add is that I'll bet he wasn't thinking of it as an FWB situation during the time you were dating him. Maybe you didn't have "the talk" but he probably felt that you were dating and probably felt exclusive once you started having sex. Three months isn't much time especially if you're not able to see each other frequently, so perhaps he felt like things were stable and would naturally progress in due time. The fact that he told you that he was seeing someone rather than taking you up on your offer for sex supports the thought that his orientation is one-at-a-time. Thank you all for responding, sorry I wasn't near the computer for a bit! ^This is what I'm wondering/thinking. I guess this was my original question. I looked at it as a FWB situation even though we never talked about it. But when he says to me 'Did you just block out our conversation and want to start over?' it makes me wonder if he was more 'serious' about the 'relationship' than I suspected. Or maybe he thought eventually it would go someplace. I'm very happy to see that he is a stand up guy and wouldn't take my offer of sex since he's seeing someone else. And it sounds like that relationship is something new as well so I'm glad to see that actually. In a strange way it makes me very happy. I felt bad for basically propositioning a 'taken' guy but he made me feel better about it. And made me feel better about reaching out to him since he told me he was glad I did and that he was thinking of reaching out to me also not long ago. At this point I will not contact him again, out of respect for whoever he's seeing. He knows where to find me if it doesn't work out. At that point I'll see where I'm at and what I'm looking for and go from there. Thank you again! 1
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