just cant do this anymore

[mtnbiker3000]

mb3000, can you share the names of those books that will help in breaking an addiction to a person or relationship?

 

I don't remember the names, but I saw one on this forum at one point, and I know there are many others. It was a woman author, I think...

 

A trip to your local Barnes & Noble or an Amazon search should give you lots of options...

[Echo000]

im doing okay with it all..i just find it funny because if you asked her if she loved me, she would say yes definitely. she still claims to be in love with me.

 

I know her. This is not me being delusional. I believe she means it when she says it, even if she is unaware of what real love is (thats a whole separate discussion).

 

SO, i just found/find it hard to imagine/accept that a person who is/thinks they love (even are "in love") with another person, could be so okay with being "friends" with that person. She would not even call it friends, she just claimed to want my "love and support".

 

Funny, she would say while we together and even as recent as a month ago that we could "never just be friends". Yet now that she is moving away, and its either we are "friends" or nothing at all, she wants to be friends. I guess because there is no other option, she would rather have a friendship than nothing? Who knows, but i cant do that.

[HopelessRomantick]

I can relate to NOT being more than friends. Good for you!

[Echo000]

man, smh. my ex was so lost and confused when i met her, and two years later she walks out of my life just as lost and confused. i always, deep down, hoped i could have changed her life. That was one of my mistakes, trying to change someone who never wanted truly to change. It was a project in some degree, and that NEVER works in a relationship. But i can say honestly, it was only ever with the best intentions. I loved her so much, and only wanted to better her life. oh boy.

[Echo000]

just updating for those interested..also taking time to vent a little. went back up to area where i will be attending school in a few weeks- got here early to move some of my stuff up. This is where my ex currently lives, where all the good (and many bad) memories exist, untouched until today when my visit rediscovered them. Memories as sharp as broken pieces of glass..cutting at me wherever i turned. My ex moves away in a few weeks, forever away from here to the east coast.

 

Today was a HORRIBLE day....i even cried..i dont normally break down. i had obsessive thoughts all day about her..memories here and there, regrets i have not had in a long time, feelings of guilt and blame and anger and frustration. At that spot there you cried because you thought i was mad at you...now you move 3000 miles away and couldnt care less! jesus. what a trip. i want off of this. why do i still love you so much maybe its not love, just attachment. idk.

 

I hope that today was so horrible simply because it was the first time i have been back since knowing she will be gone forever. This sucks. horrible, depressing day. advice, kind words appreciated.

[HopelessRomantick]

Echo, it's gotta get better. I am in a similar place now but I keep coming here and reading posts and everyone says it gets better to the point of not caring at all eventually. I am holding on to that advice and you should too.

 

Everywhere I turn, everything I do or see from a food she liked to a license plate with her initials, i'm constantly consumed by thoughts of her weaving in, out and in between the 5 stages of grieving. I'm on bargaining and depression again. Bargaing because I believe she left at a time of many changes in her life and that she made the biggest mistake of her life during that unstable time. The biggest mistake was leaving me in the dust.

 

Hang in there buddy, everyone says it gets better and I'm trying to believe that... You should too.

[Echo000]

i believe that..because i dont believe i am an exception to time and its ability to heal. i am doing all the right things..and am not contemplating breaking nc because i know all that does it open the door for negativity and pain. but yesterday, seeing all those places, brought thoughts and memories that cut at me deeply.

 

crazy crazy. all the words shared, thoughts and "love". Yet this day comes, and their actions dont even come close to the words they once said. i find myself wanting to punch myself in the face for spending so much of my time and emotional energy thinking about this girl, who sees me probably as nothing more than a passing thought/memory.

 

its wild, because it went from me always unsure of i wanted to be with her and her claiming that if we ever broke apart it would be my choice and not hers, to me initiating a break (mistake, breaks are bullsh**), to us mutually breaking up, to her casually moving 3000 miles away and expecting some meaningless friendship?! wow. just one year ago from today, the world looked different between us. at least to me. maybe i was disillusioned the whole time.

[Chi townD]

okay....Time to put the big boy pants on. She's not there and she not going to be there. Period! So, you need to make that place your own! You need to form new memories there.

 

Here's what I did in College. I was going to school and I got a job on Campus (stupid little thing working at the Rec Center, checking out equipment like basketballs and stuff). But, I was making a little money and it kept me busy, PLUS! I was able to study while I was sitting at the desk. I saved up all the money I was doing at that job. Barely touched it.

 

Then, I made myself a promise that I needed to knock it out of the park that semester. And if I did a good job, I would treat myself to a trip somewhere. I even talked a friend of mine to do it with me. Semester ended and I had a 3.82 GPA. So, me and my friend went to Key West for a few days. It was an awesome time. When we got back and showed the pics of the trip me and my buddy took to others, they wanted to go next time as well.

 

The point I'm trying to make is that the job kept me busy, my studies kept me busy, researching the trip and the where and when kept me busy and motivated. I didn't have time to think about anything else.

 

So, that's what I did. And it worked. And if you decided on something like that, it doesn't have to be a trip. It could be a new computer, flat screen, PS4...whatever!

 

Time to get motivated about your future!

[Echo000]

chi town i always appreciate your advice, its always good.

 

your right..this is my town not hers. i was here for college a whole year before she moved up here. she treated me poorly anyway. i got to see the opportunity i have here, instead of (what feels like) hurtful memories everywhere. it sucks, im still going to admit that. i hope this is just the initial experience, seeing as this is my first time back up since i knew she was gone.

 

im tired of her, tired of caring about someone who couldnt care less. so sick of it. actually makes me feel ill. i feel like i have taken a step or two back in the past two days, but i know the path toward healing is not a linear one. there are ups and downs.

 

but your right, i need to keep busy and stay motivated (although i often feel totally depressed and down and distracted). How were you able to stay motivated? were you suffering from depression at all? also, did you lose your relationship before that semester in college- was that something you were dealing with?

 

The trip idea is a good one. i did yosemite once after my first semester in college with some friends (i was still with my ex at that time), but that was awesome.

[Chi townD]

Okay, my story is kinda long and it happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

 

But, I was dating this girl and I loved her to death. I even saved up for a ring and bought it. Then, one day. I caught her cheating on me. When I confronted her. She just got mad and called me a loser, that I was never going to college and I was just content with working dead end jobs. She was going with someone that had a future. Thus, I got cheated on and dumped.

 

Yep! major depression hit! I was hold up in my studio apartment and not coming out for nothing! Friends tried and failed. Until one day, a buddy of mine busted in and literally kidnapped me. It was a Friday and he dial my work number and told my boss that I was sick and he was taking me to the Doctors. Next thing I know, we're at the train station and we were on our way to St. Louis. When we arrived a couple hours later, we checked into the hotel (Sheridan I think) and we went exploring for a while. I've never been to St. Louis, so we saw the sights. Leaned up against the Arch, toured the Brewery and had a couple of beers at the end! THAT'S FRESH BEER! Then, we caught a Cardinals game (my friend loves baseball, more of a football fan myself). That night, we hit the Clubs and I even danced with a few girls!

 

That weekend away was a way for me to decompress and reset. My friend took me out of the norm and showed me that there was more to life other than my Ex. And when I got back, I was determined to PROVE MY EX WRONG! That she was wrong about me. I had okay grades in high school. They weren't bad, but definitely not good enough for Harvard. But, I did find a University that would take me on a probationary status. Well, after my first semester with a 3.82 GPA, that didn't last long. I was good to go.

 

But, after that weekend, I caught the bug to travel. I have to pick up and go every so often or else it drives me nuts! Therefore, I told you what I did in College to scratch my travel itch. Plus, I found out that I liked the challenge of school and I went through a LOT of it. After about a year or so into my mission to prove my Ex wrong. A funny thing happened. It didn't matter about her anymore. She wasn't the one writing the papers, she wasn't the one taking the tests. It was me! I was doing it. So, it became about me and my future, because she was no longer a part of it.

 

When I FINALLY finished school, I started my career and I did extremely well. With a good job I was able to save up for bigger adventures. I met my wife and she has a heart of gold and is 10x better than my Ex EVER was. And thank God she understands my need for travel. Sometimes she goes with me, sometimes she doesn't. It depends on what I'm doing. For instance, my last trip was to cycle the Camino de Santiago. So, the idea of her riding a bike through France and Spain wasn't a great idea. But, I think my next trip will be to Melborne Australia. She'll probably go with me on that.

 

So, I got my revenge! I proved my Ex wrong. But, I proved to myself that I wasn't a loser, that I could better myself for me! In a way, I would have to thank her. She's the reason my life is so great now.

 

So, how did I stay motivated? I knew that I wanted to check out Key West, I was kind of a Hemingway fan and I always wanted to drink a beer in the same bar that Hemingway loved (Sloppy Joe's Bar). So, I would take about an hour researching the trip a day. Discovered it would probably cost about the same to rent a house for a week rather than a hotel room. So, I did research on house rentals. I found one on Marathon that was PERFECT!!! Right on the beach! I mean, you literally walked out in the backyard patio and you were on the beach!! And they showed pictures of the inside and the rooms were AWESOME!! You could lay in bed and look out the window and see nothing but clear blue skies and crystal blue waters!! That got me motivated I WANTED TO STAY IN THAT HOUSE!!!

 

The next night, did some more research, and they call the Florida Keys the Conch Republic? Why? I'll let you research that history. It's a colorful and funny story. And once you figure it out, you'll want to hang around these people as well!

 

Set yourself with that goal, any goal for that matter! And when the time is getting closer and you have everything in place, you'll be excited. Trust me! That excitement is addictive!

Edited August 5, 2013 by Chi townD

[Mrfr]

 

so sad.

 

I'm sorry, but this is just how it goes for now. You are doing all the right things, keeping yourself busy and seeing a therapist etc. It just takes time. And time is different for everyone.

 

I think sometimes we get comfortable with the pain, just as we got comfortable with them. We hold onto the pain because we associate the pain with them. If we let go of this pain, we let go of them. That's devastating to us. We don't want to let go of them because we can't accept it's over. We figure that if we hang on, they'll wake up. They'll come back. We don't see reality, because we are blinded by our fantasies. We are afraid of letting go because that means they will be gone, our minds can't translate that.

 

So until then we cling to this pain because this pain...is them.

 

I know this has been commented on already but woah, couldn't be more accurate. Every break up I've ever had.....THIS. Getting over means letting go.

[cavalier99]

i believe that..because i dont believe i am an exception to time and its ability to heal. i am doing all the right things..and am not contemplating breaking nc because i know all that does it open the door for negativity and pain. but yesterday, seeing all those places, brought thoughts and memories that cut at me deeply.

 

crazy crazy. all the words shared, thoughts and "love". Yet this day comes, and their actions dont even come close to the words they once said. i find myself wanting to punch myself in the face for spending so much of my time and emotional energy thinking about this girl, who sees me probably as nothing more than a passing thought/memory.

 

its wild, because it went from me always unsure of i wanted to be with her and her claiming that if we ever broke apart it would be my choice and not hers, to me initiating a break (mistake, breaks are bullsh**), to us mutually breaking up, to her casually moving 3000 miles away and expecting some meaningless friendship?! wow. just one year ago from today, the world looked different between us. at least to me. maybe i was disillusioned the whole time.

 

So did this feel like one of you last crys? I cried even 5 months after the BU after a long no cry strech. It builds up then you need to let it out. But eventually your all cried out. Soemetimes it is darkest before the dawn. You just sorta snap out of it and start to feel normal. By month 7 NC it was done for me.

 

It is actually almost impossible to stay in the miserable post BU state forever. Keep on going bro. Emotional fortitude is the key now along with NC. Cav

 

ps keep going to those places with the memories by yourself. Soon it wont hurt. You are reconquering territory. And exorcising those old memories with new ones.

Edited August 6, 2013 by cavalier99

[Echo000]

chi town...what a story man. your inspiring. i am going to research some places i may want to go to in the future, and possibly do exactly what you did.

 

cav-

 

thanks for the words. you know what troubles me the most? These horrible, obsessive thoughts, that go on and on. It consumes me. Ruins my mood. All i focus on are past memories, often little meaningless ones even that my ex probably doesnt even remember. makes me feel anger and hurt and even guilt at times...its horrible. the thoughts can be big or small, about "good" or "bad" times, about the amazing sex we always had, or the ridiculous fighting about nothing or her emotional tantrums. Regardless, its so very hurtful.

 

i hope time heals this one, because its torture.

[cavalier99]

chi town...what a story man. your inspiring. i am going to research some places i may want to go to in the future, and possibly do exactly what you did.

 

cav-

 

thanks for the words. you know what troubles me the most? These horrible, obsessive thoughts, that go on and on. It consumes me. Ruins my mood. All i focus on are past memories, often little meaningless ones even that my ex probably doesnt even remember. makes me feel anger and hurt and even guilt at times...its horrible. the thoughts can be big or small, about "good" or "bad" times, about the amazing sex we always had, or the ridiculous fighting about nothing or her emotional tantrums. Regardless, its so very hurtful.

 

i hope time heals this one, because its torture.

 

Conquering the obessive thoughts was a big part of my recovery. You really need to shut these down. I went as far as putting a rubber band on my wrist and snapping it every time she popped into my mind. Then i would roll right into some positive self affirmation. Eg i am over her, indifferent. I am confident and grateful eceter. I walk proud, im strong .....you name i said it! Lol always positive and often with some goals

 

Id spend a lot of the day doing this for months. Stop the thoughts before they snowball. Also observe them objectivly without much emotion.

 

Eg ok ECHO your angry, thats ok anger, i respect you as an emotion,...then figure out what cause the emotion or thought ...because it isnt her. She isnt around treat any offending emotion like a crying baby and talk to them caringly..then they go away. (Kill even the happy obsesive thoughts about her even if not painful)

 

i guess bottom line is you need to be able to control these thought or obsereve them sorta like a 3rd person obsever without getting wrapped up with them. You control this. Emotional fortitude bro! And pulling your mind into the present. This will resolve the funk.

 

Its almost like a wokout for you brain getting rid of the thoughts and being more present in the now. But if you get there and practice this youll find you are much stronger than you think.

 

 

i know sounds crazy but seems to work. Cav

Edited August 6, 2013 by cavalier99

[Echo000]

thats exactly it, i realize that 99.9% of the pain at this point is mental and self inflicted. i seem so mentally weak, which is really interesting because i have been through a lot in my life, including a history of ocd, depression, and anxiety, and have made it through. people tell me im strong mentally- this and that- yet this has swallowed me whole to the point where i feel lost in it. i feel so far from the present moment and so enveloped in the past, its a dangerous thing.

 

i have tried the rubber band thing in the past recently- i liked it and will try again. i will also try to take that objective approach in regards to my emotions, i like that. the worst is when i feed into the obsessive thoughts by allowing myself to go over things over and over. its my way of trying to end the thought, but that typically only prolongs it.

 

I want to be where you are cav. lol meeting a new girl when the time is right sounds like the best thing to fully get over an ex.

[Chi townD]

 

I want to be where you are cav. lol meeting a new girl when the time is right sounds like the best thing to fully get over an ex.

 

Yeah, but I wouldn't do this until you're over your Ex (it wouldn't be fair to the girl you'd date) OR this new girl knows that you just came out of relationship. So, you're not looking for anything right now. But, you're still interested in taking a pretty girl out on the town.