just cant do this anymore

[Echo000]

i cant do this anymore.

 

trying to better myself, keep busy, smile, etc. but i feel crushed and heavy on the inside. Riding this roller coast the past seven months, from breaking up in january to going strict NC till may, then talking and planning on meeting up and maybe having more in the future, to her telling me she is moving across the country out of no where just two weeks ago and back to strict NC (forever this time)...

 

I just cant. This is too much. I feel heavy, broken..my mind wont leave me alone. I see her everywhere. I see memories everywhere. i feel the broken dreams everywhere. i cant understand, and i know there is no point trying to understand. but i am tortured daily. i love her so much, even though i shouldnt. even tho i deserved better even before i knew she was moving away. Yet i am stuck. she is the only person i want to see or speak to. the only person who could replace this pain with pleasure and happiness, even if for a moment.

 

i feel so down. i played soccer today, and as soon as i stepped off the field and sat down, she flooded my brain. i dont know how much more of this i can take. accepting a situation that is probably best for me, yet something that hurts me so badly, is tearing my soul apart.

 

P.S yes i see a therapist. yes i talk to friends and family. yes i try new hobbies. yes i read books. exercise daily. etc. even seeing a wholistic doctor. im broken

[youngnlove89]

 

so sad.

 

I'm sorry, but this is just how it goes for now. You are doing all the right things, keeping yourself busy and seeing a therapist etc. It just takes time. And time is different for everyone.

 

I think sometimes we get comfortable with the pain, just as we got comfortable with them. We hold onto the pain because we associate the pain with them. If we let go of this pain, we let go of them. That's devastating to us. We don't want to let go of them because we can't accept it's over. We figure that if we hang on, they'll wake up. They'll come back. We don't see reality, because we are blinded by our fantasies. We are afraid of letting go because that means they will be gone, our minds can't translate that.

 

So until then we cling to this pain because this pain...is them.

[itto ogami]

I was where you are. Perhaps not so severe, but broken.

 

4 months later, I'm together with myself again. Hopeful, happy.

 

You will get there. Time and self-care.

[JDPT]

I feel the exact same way, honestly I feel like I'm dying inside very slowly. Last night I had dinner with friends and managed to stay up float and remain social but this afternoon I got together with other people to have lunch and I was just a body there. I think care what anyone had to say, I was just a body there in complete silence. I was in so much pain just sitting there without an appetite and kept saying to my self in my head "stop, stop, those thoughts do you no good, please take this pain away!" Yes I also see a therapist and it feels like it helps when I talk to her and when our session is over is back to a cold world.

 

I still ask myself a ton of questions that I know I will never have answers for. I can't believe after all the sacrifices and commitments my ex and I made when the world literally didnt want us together we managed a way for us to have a life and we were still working towards that life together and for her to just dump me? After everything we went through? No ****ing consideration whatsoever. I feel so used like a rag you use to clean a counter and throw away, she just didnt think twice about throwing me away. Sometimes I think if I reach out to her and tell her how excruciating this is that I'm literally dying inside and that I never felt pain like this in my life she might consider talking to me but that will only leave me looking like a fool and her feeling sorry for me that I have not moved on yet when she has long ago. I really hope it gets better soon because it only feels like its getting worse.

Edited July 20, 2013 by JDPT

[It-is-what-it-is.]

 

so sad.

 

I'm sorry, but this is just how it goes for now. You are doing all the right things, keeping yourself busy and seeing a therapist etc. It just takes time. And time is different for everyone.

 

I think sometimes we get comfortable with the pain, just as we got comfortable with them. We hold onto the pain because we associate the pain with them. If we let go of this pain, we let go of them. That's devastating to us. We don't want to let go of them because we can't accept it's over. We figure that if we hang on, they'll wake up. They'll come back. We don't see reality, because we are blinded by our fantasies. We are afraid of letting go because that means they will be gone, our minds can't translate that.

 

So until then we cling to this pain because this pain...is them.

 

 

Young, this is incredibly insightful.

 

So all of you, (mom hugs)

 

Without going into all the gory details, let me just say, no matter how bad it is....KNOW it will get better. KNOW. Not believe. KNOW.

 

Cause it will. Let it happen.

[Echo000]

young- i think you are right.

 

i just dont want to let her go. She was my first love, first relationship, my first everything. For the past two years, she has been (outside of family) the most important person in my life. Even in the bad (there was plenty of negative times/experiences), she was familiar, safe, and there.

 

Now she is MOVING AWAY in just a month, and i have had to say goodbye. I HAVE to accept it. Because she is physically, actually, literally going to not exist in the same time zone as i do. we werent together, but since may we had been talking again. and even that was very unpleasant at times, but she told me she was still in love with me and she was the one (Even all this time later) that wanted to possibly get back together. i was the one that wanted to be super slow at least for a while.

 

Now she is gone forever, just like that. That person who was my first, who i never shared such memories, emotions, feelings, etc. with, is gone forever. she was able to be naive enough to believe her moving was nbd, that she is just moving "for school" and "who knows what the future holds" in regards to us. But i know its over, because she wasnt treating me well even before she made her decision to move. and we are too different, and i want more from a girl i am with in regards to motivation/life direction.

 

SO i know this mentally, but it hurts SO much. this emotional roller coaster ride is killing me, and i am still working at destroying this fantasy/hope that something will change this awful reality- she will decide to stay or at least contact me..idk i know it doesnt matter anymore, and thats irrational stuff anyway. But im hurt, im wearing a mask.

 

i want to just be over this, but its hard to be able to fully let go. I still have not been able to. the memories, thoughts, images, what was, what words were shared, etc...torture me.

 

S.O.S

 

Help

[Talulah]

Are you still in contact with her? What are you hoping to get from it? Read the thread about the guy who went NC on his girlfriend and got her back. Of you keep yourself away and let her and you develop on your own, then it might happen out of the blue somewhere. How about you? Can you move somewhere? A fresh new start will keep you busy.

[Echo000]

so you dont think i can fully begin healing until she moves? I blocked her via email/fb (was blocked already) and cell phone within two days of hearing she was moving, but she can still imessage me (iphone b.s thing).

 

I want to get to a place of peace. i cant stop thinking about her. everything reminds me of her. it seems to be getting worse. i suppose it will be a relief in a sense when she actually does move, because the 1% hope (which i dont choose to have, i dont want it) will go away hopefully.

 

You think it will become easier once she actually moves? i cant keep living like this..life is thoroughly unpleasant.

[Echo000]

Are you still in contact with her? What are you hoping to get from it? Read the thread about the guy who went NC on his girlfriend and got her back. Of you keep yourself away and let her and you develop on your own, then it might happen out of the blue somewhere. How about you? Can you move somewhere? A fresh new start will keep you busy.

 

its ironic and painful-- i am actually moving to where she currently lives, where she was for the past year, because that is where i go to school. So instead of moving away from her, i will be moving to the place where we spent a semester of college together- places where i have memories and the knowledge that she was supposed to be there, but now she will be 3000 miles away.

 

TBH, im excited to go back to school and hopefully keep busy, but im scared. Scared i will feel even sadder, atleast at first, because i will be looking around, remembering those places we went to just a year before, and thinking about how she was supposed to be living up there but now is completely gone and out of my life.

 

And to answer your question- no i am not trying to be with her or get back together. She is moving across the country indefinitely- i cant be in a relationship with her that far away..we didnt know if we would be together when we was planning on being here (like i said, we were gonna take it real slow and not have any expectations).

 

Fu**

[Echo000]

ugh it makes me so sad to know that i will know NOTHING about her..but your right. knowing of upcoming "milestones" and things in her life hurts way way more. Ultimately, it will be good to not know about all this because it will allow me to better move on. And conversely, she wont know a thing about my life. Other than where i am going to school. thats it.

 

And sadly, i do need to move there yuck i am scared-- but i feel so hurt and lonely and ocd even where im at now (my home town). This is where i met her, and there are plenty of memories here too. I dont even know, i dont know if there is a place on this earth where i can find peace she gets to go to a place where her and i never were, where there are no memories of me or anything.

 

I appreciate your words, the fact that you read my stuff and even responded makes me smile (a sad smile, but an appreciative one). I am just..ugh. i feel sunken. im such a strong person too! been thru a lot, but this plays right into my history/tendency of depression, anxiety, and obsessive thoughts.

[Echo000]

i go to school up there..and i got two more years. so sadly i need to be able to just fine peace up there. i hope at this point, its just a matter of time needing to pass. I am NC and i will stay NC, even if she tries contacting me before she leaves. im like a drug addict, craving for her to contact me even though i aim to ignore anything she sends. i know its sad. i hope i can start to feel better soon.

 

Your rights. Thoughts are just thoughts. but they are driving me crazy. damn

[Talulah]

i go to school up there..and i got two more years. so sadly i need to be able to just fine peace up there. i hope at this point, its just a matter of time needing to pass. I am NC and i will stay NC, even if she tries contacting me before she leaves. im like a drug addict, craving for her to contact me even though i aim to ignore anything she sends. i know its sad. i hope i can start to feel better soon.

 

Your rights. Thoughts are just thoughts. but they are driving me crazy. damn

 

School should keep you busy enough at this point. If not, get a part time job and/or join an organization. This always helps.

[cavalier99]

Dude. This is my first post in a long time and it has been a long time since i have been on LS.

 

You will be fine. I swear. The suffering just ends. i barley remeber it anymore although it was less than a year ago.

 

Just stay strict NC. I know it sounds so difficult but really it is so simple. keep it up and keep on doing what your doing. You can only suffer so much till your brain will reject it. you will be fine and all the suffering will be a distant memory. Rock on! Cav

[lavenderlove]

Cavalier is right. (Hi Cav!-I remember you from my early LS days)

 

the pain will go away on it's own. But you can do things to speed it along.

 

Most people try to keep busy so they don't have time to think about it. But this only works for so long. I think the best is to try to get her out of your system real life. Posting here is great.

 

I write poetry and up until today I used to dump my feelings on my ex too. I figured he can put up with some discomfort.

 

Talk about her a lot and you will get bored of it yourself.

[Chi townD]

Well, you've been broken up since Jan. but you haven't been in strict NC and you know it. Hell, you just discovered that she's moving across the country. How? Because you had some form of contact!

 

You're doing all the right things expect for one. NC!!!

 

So, think about when you discovered the move and THAT is your first day og no contact. That's your starting point. Not back in Jan.

[Echo000]

i have never been more appreciate of responses here on LS than i am for the ones posted above. The faith and support you guys have, as well as the input and advise you are giving me, make me smile (I have not had a genuine smile on for a very long time).

 

I got my first BREADCRUMB today. it was a sh**ty one- it was all cutesy (text message) and about a picture of us together that she just came across. called me a "sneaky butt" because apparently i snuck it in her old bag months and months ago (i dont even remember doing that).

 

She acted as if NOTHING serious has happened between us. Her moving out of no where in a months time, me saying i cant speak to her anymore, and us saying goodbye and going NC for about 2 weeks now...

 

instead she sends a cute text message with a picture attached to it of us together in september 2012.

 

I thought and thought and thought..what should i say to let her know how bad she hurt me..how can i tell her to F off or get her to FEEL the damage she has caused. I thought and thought..tried figuring why she would send that and blah blah blah..then i decided on the most amazing thing: to actually ignore it. She sent it at 12:30pm, its 5pm now and i have not said anything back. Nor do i plan on responding.

 

Honestly, it gives me a sense of power. And control. Despite the initial resistance of feeling the need to respond.

 

Damn. Maybe you guys are right. Maybe i am closer to being over this than i give myself credit for.

 

What are thou thoughts!?

 

P.S

Cav stop going away! haha you are a veteran here and i miss your advise.

[HopelessRomantick]

 

so sad.

 

I'm sorry, but this is just how it goes for now. You are doing all the right things, keeping yourself busy and seeing a therapist etc. It just takes time. And time is different for everyone.

 

I think sometimes we get comfortable with the pain, just as we got comfortable with them. We hold onto the pain because we associate the pain with them. If we let go of this pain, we let go of them. That's devastating to us. We don't want to let go of them because we can't accept it's over. We figure that if we hang on, they'll wake up. They'll come back. We don't see reality, because we are blinded by our fantasies. We are afraid of letting go because that means they will be gone, our minds can't translate that.

 

So until then we cling to this pain because this pain...is them.

 

Wow younglove89, what you said here makes a lot of sense.

[HopelessRomantick]

i cant do this anymore.

 

trying to better myself, keep busy, smile, etc. but i feel crushed and heavy on the inside. Riding this roller coast the past seven months, from breaking up in january to going strict NC till may, then talking and planning on meeting up and maybe having more in the future, to her telling me she is moving across the country out of no where just two weeks ago and back to strict NC (forever this time)...

 

I just cant. This is too much. I feel heavy, broken..my mind wont leave me alone. I see her everywhere. I see memories everywhere. i feel the broken dreams everywhere. i cant understand, and i know there is no point trying to understand. but i am tortured daily. i love her so much, even though i shouldnt. even tho i deserved better even before i knew she was moving away. Yet i am stuck. she is the only person i want to see or speak to. the only person who could replace this pain with pleasure and happiness, even if for a moment.

 

i feel so down. i played soccer today, and as soon as i stepped off the field and sat down, she flooded my brain. i dont know how much more of this i can take. accepting a situation that is probably best for me, yet something that hurts me so badly, is tearing my soul apart.

 

P.S yes i see a therapist. yes i talk to friends and family. yes i try new hobbies. yes i read books. exercise daily. etc. even seeing a wholistic doctor. im broken

 

Echo, I know exactly what you are going through as I know it all too well as do all of us here. You just need to take it one day or even 1 hour at a time. Trust me a year ago I thought my life was over, almost lost my job, "literally" stayed in bed for weeks, didn't eat, cried until my eyelids were red & raw. Now I believe I'm in the anger stage of my grieving. I am angry with her most of the time. Yes I still miss her and I am saddened by the finality of it all but mostly I am very angry. I hope the next stage is acceptance.

 

Good luck and keep coming here to read and comment. It helps to get involved here. LS has helped me quite a bit and I made many new friends and one dear long distance friend.

 

This time in your life sucks more than anything I'm sure... but hang in there, it gets better. Promise!

[Echo000]

ya its a really tough time-

 

i have a somewhat off topic question:

 

my sister and mother said something today i thought was interesting. ever since she decided to move, my ex wanted to get back together with me. I was hesitant, because things werent good and it did not seem like she had changed. Yet suddenly, she decides to move and wants me (without using this word) as a "friend". Wanted me to "love and support her". She was okay not knowing if we would be together again (while i said well you moving away means we are done for good, she was like "i see it differently, you just never know").

 

At first, that burned extra hard. I could not understand how a person in love with another person could EVER be okay being friends (texting/calling occasionally from separate parts of the country). According to my mom and sister, women are often different than men in this regard. While men are more often all or nothing, women tend to be more desiring/able to be "friends" with an ex even if they have feelings.

 

I know this is not the case for every single man or women, but have any of you seen this trend? That women are more capable/wanting of friendship with men, even if they still love you? Because in my brain, a person willing to be friends with someone they claim to be in love with arent really in love at all. And yes, i also am aware that she wanted to use me as a support system until she is settled in her new home across the country. def was not going to be used like that..

 

sorry if i went on, i am actually doing better today than i have in weeks. but my mom and sisters comments made me think. and i wanted to hear what yall think about that.

[mtnbiker3000]

From what I read on this thread, it sounds like you are having withdrawal issues, much like a drug addict. A RS/BU can affect you like a drug withdrawal. I know you said you've read books already without much results, but there are some that specifically target breaking an addiction to a person or RS. I think this may be of great use to you.

 

Also, as others stated, you really are setting yourself back to square one with every instance of contact, so you must start the odometer over and this time absolutely, 100% stick to NC. Especially if you have no obligations to her.

 

Then, I think you will start to feel better

[Echo000]

ya i agree. feels like major withdrawals. but today was the first day in many that i felt okay. not great or awesome..but the pain i felt was less heavy, more manageable. and like i mentioned earlier..i have been NC (with intentions of being NC for good this time), for almost two weeks now. she sent me a text today, and it was the first time i have EVER (since knowing her) ignored her. Hard at first, but feeling more powerful and in control for it.

 

but the addiction thing, your definitely right. iv been suffering major withdrawals for like a week straight. and many ways, for many months. now is the first time i am actually trying to kill the addiction and move forward, knowing she must be left behind.

[Talulah]

ya its a really tough time-

 

i have a somewhat off topic question:

 

my sister and mother said something today i thought was interesting. ever since she decided to move, my ex wanted to get back together with me. I was hesitant, because things werent good and it did not seem like she had changed. Yet suddenly, she decides to move and wants me (without using this word) as a "friend". Wanted me to "love and support her". She was okay not knowing if we would be together again (while i said well you moving away means we are done for good, she was like "i see it differently, you just never know").

 

At first, that burned extra hard. I could not understand how a person in love with another person could EVER be okay being friends (texting/calling occasionally from separate parts of the country). According to my mom and sister, women are often different than men in this regard. While men are more often all or nothing, women tend to be more desiring/able to be "friends" with an ex even if they have feelings.

 

I know this is not the case for every single man or women, but have any of you seen this trend? That women are more capable/wanting of friendship with men, even if they still love you? Because in my brain, a person willing to be friends with someone they claim to be in love with arent really in love at all. And yes, i also am aware that she wanted to use me as a support system until she is settled in her new home across the country. def was not going to be used like that..

 

sorry if i went on, i am actually doing better today than i have in weeks. but my mom and sisters comments made me think. and i wanted to hear what yall think about that.

 

In this regard, I don't think that it has to do with women. Well, if I broke-up with someone and I wanted to stay friends with them (most of the time I don't expect that and I don't force people to do that), then maybe. Well, actually my ex is more like a girl in this regard, he 'wanted my approval to move to another country', and I heard the never ending details of his upcoming new life (without me in it). I am very black and white though. And I don't like to stay friends with people that broke up with me, it's ALWAYS power trip for them, well except for maybe one.

[HopelessRomantick]

From what I read on this thread, it sounds like you are having withdrawal issues, much like a drug addict. A RS/BU can affect you like a drug withdrawal. I know you said you've read books already without much results, but there are some that specifically target breaking an addiction to a person or RS. I think this may be of great use to you.

 

Also, as others stated, you really are setting yourself back to square one with every instance of contact, so you must start the odometer over and this time absolutely, 100% stick to NC. Especially if you have no obligations to her.

 

Then, I think you will start to feel better

 

mb3000, can you share the names of those books that will help in breaking an addiction to a person or relationship?

[HopelessRomantick]

ya its a really tough time-

 

i have a somewhat off topic question:

 

my sister and mother said something today i thought was interesting. ever since she decided to move, my ex wanted to get back together with me. I was hesitant, because things werent good and it did not seem like she had changed. Yet suddenly, she decides to move and wants me (without using this word) as a "friend". Wanted me to "love and support her". She was okay not knowing if we would be together again (while i said well you moving away means we are done for good, she was like "i see it differently, you just never know").

 

At first, that burned extra hard. I could not understand how a person in love with another person could EVER be okay being friends (texting/calling occasionally from separate parts of the country). According to my mom and sister, women are often different than men in this regard. While men are more often all or nothing, women tend to be more desiring/able to be "friends" with an ex even if they have feelings.

 

I know this is not the case for every single man or women, but have any of you seen this trend? That women are more capable/wanting of friendship with men, even if they still love you? Because in my brain, a person willing to be friends with someone they claim to be in love with arent really in love at all. And yes, i also am aware that she wanted to use me as a support system until she is settled in her new home across the country. def was not going to be used like that..

 

sorry if i went on, i am actually doing better today than i have in weeks. but my mom and sisters comments made me think. and i wanted to hear what yall think about that.

 

my ex begged me to continue to be her BFF and to maintain communication with her... now 1 year later [exactly to this day 7/22!] I'm really not sure why she wanted both those things because she hasn't lived up to either one. I'm pretty sure it was just a selfish act on her part to ease her guilt and struggle as she nurtured the relationship with the guy she left me for... Do what's best for you...

[frostythesnowman]

ugh it makes me so sad to know that i will know NOTHING about her..but your right. knowing of upcoming "milestones" and things in her life hurts way way more. Ultimately, it will be good to not know about all this because it will allow me to better move on. And conversely, she wont know a thing about my life. Other than where i am going to school. thats it.

 

And sadly, i do need to move there yuck i am scared-- but i feel so hurt and lonely and ocd even where im at now (my home town). This is where i met her, and there are plenty of memories here too. I dont even know, i dont know if there is a place on this earth where i can find peace she gets to go to a place where her and i never were, where there are no memories of me or anything.

 

I appreciate your words, the fact that you read my stuff and even responded makes me smile (a sad smile, but an appreciative one). I am just..ugh. i feel sunken. im such a strong person too! been thru a lot, but this plays right into my history/tendency of depression, anxiety, and obsessive thoughts.

 

I know how it feels. I read your last thread and saw that you were set back by breaking NC, which I can fully relate to, as I kept in contact with my ex with hope for 2 years after the breakup. 2 YEARS of bull****, and recently I finall realized I needed to delete her from my life. So, this is what you need to do, and her moving is a perfect time to do it. Yes, you will be in places where you had memories together and it will be hard, but soon I believe they will fade away and

You will make new memories. We can't dwell on the past anymore, and I have been kicking myself in the ass for doing this because of missed opportunities, but we have to look at our futures.

 

Take her moving as a new beginning for yourself without her anywhere near you, and do not give in to any breadcrumbs she gives you because that would not do any good. I truly believe time heals all, good luck