Do I have issues?

[girlygirlgirl]

In my previous thread I said that I broke up with my boyfriend. We were together for half a year.

We had such good times together! Our days out were so good. We got on really well, we never even argued before. He did everything for me and always said the right things a girl wants to hear.

 

Why didn't I love him? This is why I broke up with him, it's not fair on him. I didn't want to leave it a few years and still feel the same. It would be even more harder for him then.

 

My previous ex made me feel insecure and was nowhere near as nice as him, but I loved him. My family liked my recent ex more.

There was a 5 month gap from my old ex to when I started dating my current ex. Stuff my old ex made me feel bad about, still bothers me to this day.

 

I really wish I could have felt it because we would have had the perfect relationship. I just didn't feel it.

 

I am only 18 he is 24.

 

Is this more of a personal issues I have? Am I freaked out by the future?

Has the perfect man came along but too soon in my life?

 

Honestly, this guy was amazing. I know he would have done anything for me. Do you think one day I might realize what I had all along? Could my feelings change?

 

I know he will move on, I am just trying to work myself out.

 

Thanks

[Exitleft]

Were you over your ex when you met your current ex? If you gave it some more time feelings may or may not have developed. Not everything is to do with a spark or chemistry so to speak but you might figure that out yourself later on. There is also the possibility you two may have been better suited as friends.

 

I don't really think you have any issues. I think I felt the same way at 18.

[girlygirlgirl]

If I am being honest, no I don't think I was. There were things I didn't like about him, that's why I broke up with him twice. He was my first for everything, we went out for 2 years.

 

I do think maybe we should have been friends for a little longer. I really liked him when I first knew him, I still do now. So, I guess I took the chance and it didn't work out.

 

Maybe feelings for my old ex stopped me loving him.

[Exitleft]

If I am being honest, no I don't think I was. There were things I didn't like about him, that's why I broke up with him twice. He was my first for everything, we went out for 2 years.

 

I do think maybe we should have been friends for a little longer. I really liked him when I first knew him, I still do now. So, I guess I took the chance and it didn't work out.

 

Maybe feelings for my old ex stopped me loving him.

 

It could be that you weren't fully over your ex, or that you just didn't have a more romantic interest in your current ex. Could be both, again I don't think there is anything "wrong" with you from what you have described. It just wasn't there for you.

[theonlyjuan]

At least you knew how you felt. You didn't convince yourself you felt something for him.

 

Must be hard to have someone who says all those nice and things,makes you feel better and good about yourself, then they are gone.

 

Shame that you might lose this great guy as a friend too. He sounds like the perfect best friend to have, rather than a boyfriend for you, at this moment.

 

I'm sure one day when he is over it all, you could be friends.

[girlygirlgirl]

Could also be that everything came so easily to me. Pretty much from the start he treated me like a princess. I didn't have to earn his affection or love. He always bought me things and took me out.

 

I hope we can be friends, but from what I have been told, he's changed a bit.

 

What if he just becomes a typical jerk of a guy. When we first were friends, he was talking about how after his last relationship he should just be a jerk like every other guy. He said he never gets anywhere being nice. I think our breakup might have pushed him over the edge, final straw.

[bubbaganoosh]

Well, at least you were honest enough to break up with him rather than string him along. Sure beats cheating on him or lying. If there isn't any love there, it's not like you can reach into a bag of magic and have it appear.

[theonlyjuan]

It does seem a bit weird at times.

 

You always hear of this... The guy is a jerk but the girl loves him. The guy is really nice and perfect, she doesn't feel anything for him.

 

Strange

[KathyM]

It seems a lot of men use the excuse that they are too much of a nice guy when trying to explain why they either can't get women to date them or why they can't keep women. The problem with these types of guys is not that they are too nice, but that they don't know how to build attraction and romance, and so the woman starts to see them as more of a friend rather than a romantic partner. Being a jerk is not the way to a woman's heart. Knowing how to build romance and attraction is the way to get a woman to love you and be attracted to you.

 

It sounds to me like you don't have issues at all. You just didn't feel enough attraction to him.

[girlygirlgirl]

He is a good looking guy though, so I was attracted to him. Or did you mean a different kind of attraction?

 

Maybe it all happened a bit too quick. Wasn't long until we had a routine of seeing each other

[KathyM]

He is a good looking guy though, so I was attracted to him. Or did you mean a different kind of attraction?

 

Maybe it all happened a bit too quick. Wasn't long until we had a routine of seeing each other

So you had physical attraction, but not emotional attraction. Some men don't know how to build emotional chemistry. They come across as friends, rather than building a spark in the relationship. I'm guessing there was too much hanging around together without the romance part of it. I think you have to ask yourself why or what it was about him that didn't generate that romantic attachment. If he did all the right things, but you just weren't receptive to it, then I'd say you weren't over your previous ex yet, and that is why you weren't feeling it for this guy. But I'm guessing he just didn't know how to build a romantic attachment.

[theonlyjuan]

Sounds like my relationship.

 

Routine is not good in a relationship, IMO. It just makes everything feel so un-exciting and forced. I think you probably both come out of bad relationships and weren't over you ex's. You tried and it didn't work out at the time.

 

Sucks, you may be perfect for each other in like 5 years time. Right person but the wrong time for you, maybe.

 

Physical attraction is not enough. I know some girls that look amazing, but on an emotional level, no thanks!

 

I know some beautiful girls, who are with guys that aren't " Good looking " but they have some other attraction to them.

[Dread Pirate Roberts]

In my previous thread I said that I broke up with my boyfriend. We were together for half a year.

We had such good times together! Our days out were so good. We got on really well, we never even argued before. He did everything for me and always said the right things a girl wants to hear.

 

Why didn't I love him? This is why I broke up with him, it's not fair on him. I didn't want to leave it a few years and still feel the same. It would be even more harder for him then.

 

My previous ex made me feel insecure and was nowhere near as nice as him, but I loved him. My family liked my recent ex more.

There was a 5 month gap from my old ex to when I started dating my current ex. Stuff my old ex made me feel bad about, still bothers me to this day.

 

I really wish I could have felt it because we would have had the perfect relationship. I just didn't feel it.

 

I am only 18 he is 24.

 

Is this more of a personal issues I have? Am I freaked out by the future?

Has the perfect man came along but too soon in my life?

 

Honestly, this guy was amazing. I know he would have done anything for me. Do you think one day I might realize what I had all along? Could my feelings change?

 

I know he will move on, I am just trying to work myself out.

 

Thanks

 

Ever think you brought your insecurity from previous relationships and simply wouldn't allow yourself to bond with this new guy?

[Dread Pirate Roberts]

It seems a lot of men use the excuse that they are too much of a nice guy when trying to explain why they either can't get women to date them or why they can't keep women. The problem with these types of guys is not that they are too nice, but that they don't know how to build attraction and romance, and so the woman starts to see them as more of a friend rather than a romantic partner. Being a jerk is not the way to a woman's heart. Knowing how to build romance and attraction is the way to get a woman to love you and be attracted to you.

 

It sounds to me like you don't have issues at all. You just didn't feel enough attraction to him.

 

Can't really blame a nice guy for being decent to a woman. Usually what women call nice guys are the ones that dote over them and give all their time to the woman. The woman gets bored, takes him for granted and ends up resenting him. Conversely, if a man is aloof she will be intrigued at first, but likewise get mad about that too.

 

Really the only answer is trying to be somewhere in the middle. Just have your own life, have your own passions and desires and don't build yourself around someone; build your own life and then include the other person, until you're married and you can build a life together; even still, one should probably have their own life.

 

This doesn't just go for guys though. Quite often it's the other way around, but a woman doesn't have the "nice woman" stigma; if she's left, because she is too nice, everyone will demonize the man and say he wasn't worth her time. The double standards are really annoying.

 

If you suspect someone is putting too much focus on you and not enough on themselves or their own likes and desires, it's probably a good time to sit down with them and tell them that you not only notice it, but it would be a good idea to work on one's self. Many people get into people pleasing and end up on the wrong end of even a wonderful relationship.

[girlygirlgirl]

Yeah I was always insecure.

 

Not long before we broke up, we went to a club with friends. This girl that he used to like was there. It annoyed me the whole night.

 

I always used to think, and even said to him ' If she hadn't of had a boyfriend, you would have been with her and not me '

 

I trusted my recent ex more than I trusted any other guy. He always used to say I was obsessed with cheating. I always used to bring up, people cheating and stuff.

 

I think also when a guy is that nice, if he cheated on me I could never trust anyone again. Maybe that was in my mind too.

 

I think it was all too soon after my last relationship. I should have tried to get over all this stuff first.

[theonlyjuan]

You just sound so insecure. I guess being with a jerk, you wouldn't be so shocked if they cheated on you. It would suck, but it's not earth shattering.

 

A really nice perfect guy....I think you were too scared and insecure to let yourself fall for him. If he did one day cheat on you, you would be destroyed and probably hate men.

 

All this about being funny around the girl he once liked, that says a lot. You have some personal issues. You can't ever have a healthy relationship thinking all this stuff. You are only young though.

 

You might say you wished you could have loved him, I just think all this stopped you.

[KathyM]

Can't really blame a nice guy for being decent to a woman. Usually what women call nice guys are the ones that dote over them and give all their time to the woman. The woman gets bored, takes him for granted and ends up resenting him. Conversely, if a man is aloof she will be intrigued at first, but likewise get mad about that too.

 

Really the only answer is trying to be somewhere in the middle. Just have your own life, have your own passions and desires and don't build yourself around someone; build your own life and then include the other person, until you're married and you can build a life together; even still, one should probably have their own life.

 

This doesn't just go for guys though. Quite often it's the other way around, but a woman doesn't have the "nice woman" stigma; if she's left, because she is too nice, everyone will demonize the man and say he wasn't worth her time. The double standards are really annoying.

 

If you suspect someone is putting too much focus on you and not enough on themselves or their own likes and desires, it's probably a good time to sit down with them and tell them that you not only notice it, but it would be a good idea to work on one's self. Many people get into people pleasing and end up on the wrong end of even a wonderful relationship.

I agree with a lot of what you are saying here, although I don't believe in game playing or artificial distancing. But definitely having your own life, your own interests, not making the other person the center of all your attention, and having a backbone to stand up for your own wishes rather than being a pushover that a woman will not respect, is all good advice.

[daftpunk]

I really wish I could have felt it because we would have had the perfect relationship.

 

Well yeah, that's sort of the trick isn't it? If I had 2 million dollars, I could buy a Bugatti Veyron and have the perfect car. Unfortunately, thoughts alone don't help us get any closer to our respective goals.

 

There's no such thing as the "perfect relationship". If you want a healthy relationship, you need to work at it. If you feel like you can't or don't want to do that, then move on. You aren't the first, you won't be the last, and no you're not flawed for doing so.

[theonlyjuan]

Love is strange. You can't choose who and when. I have known people, who knew each other since they were very young. Neither of them had feelings for each other at the time. After they went their separate ways, uni etc They met once again and fell in love.

 

For better or worse, people change. You will change too, you are only young. You may love him one day, if you stay friends. Don't hold out hope, anything can happen in life.