Screwed myself!

[broken1982]

Hi Everyone,

 

I am new on this web site and really need some help and support. My story is my own doing and please do not judge me.

 

I will give some background, when I was growing up my older brother was always the centre of attention, always the successful one who made my parents proud. I wasn't a bad kid, just average, but he went to university and I didn't which didn't make them happy.

 

At this stage, I started lying, about nothing in particular, just things so that they wouldn't be disappointed in me when I screwed up.

 

To cut a long story short, I got married in 2004 had two kids and we split in 2008. She was a manic depressive and I got made redundant and couldn't face telling her for fear of the outcome, so I hid the fact and pretended to go to work, using all of our savings as "salary" while I tried to find another job. Suffice to say, we got a divorce.

 

In 2010 I applied for a very important job. I told my parents and they were so proud it was untrue. I didn't get it, I failed the security vetting. Bottom line is, I lied. I said I got it and continued with this charade. I met a gorgeous woman and fell completely in love the same year. I was in way too deep and continued to lie about my job to friends, family and everyone. Everyone was so proud I couldn't face the truth. Her family loved me too, everything appeared perfect.

 

I lived this ridiculous charade until two weeks ago when the truth came out. We had a BBQ on the Saturday night and got very drunk (stupid I know). Anyways, apparently (I can't remember) we had an arugment and I was arrested for hitting her in the face (it has now come to light that I didn't as I suspected. Never have and never will). Suffice to say she told the Police what my job was and they checked and informed her that it wasn't true.

 

I had been looking for ways out for so long and hadn't slept properly in 2 years. My house of cards has finally come crashing down and I feel so hopeless and ashamed it is unbelievable. I have lost everything, and all my doing. My wife has not spoken to me in two weeks. I saw her sister on the day it happened while my belongings were being "bagged up" and she gave me a hug and told me that if I had told them the truth about what I do for a living it would not have mattered. Now I realise I have a major problem and the irony is that I finally realise through losing everything that people would have loved me regardless.

 

She has since sent my brother a text saying how sorry she is for everything she did that night and hopefully I can forgive her. She has also said we are getting a divorce and I will always be in her heart.

 

So, basically, proper gutted and all my fault. She is the love of my life and always will be.

[Yasuandio]

Sorry man. There is no consolation other than the choice you have had your entire life, and still have: "Do I want to do be a decent person, or do I want to be a fraud?"

 

Deception and dishonesty are extremely habit-forming devices. Such conduct, as you described, thoughout your lifetime, some could argue, now congenically define your character. Maybe you went not born with this propensity to be a complete fraud - but IT IS who you are, period. That is not a "screw up," it is a fact.

 

Where can you go from here? Step one - is recognizing who and what you are. I am not conviced you are any where near that realization yet. In my opinion, you are experiencing some unpleasant consequences of "who you are" at the moment. And this is not the first time this has happened to you, as you discussed in your post. The patterns of your life are most likely to repeat themselves - as you can now see - when you look back in time.

 

Perhaps it would help you to know that thee are many people that function throughout their lives as frauds, and liars. Some lead completely secret lives that no one knows about. You are not alone. Examine the "why" question for a second.

 

Why do you feel compelled to present yourself as a fraud? Why do you lie?

 

Somestimes people lie in order to hold a cetain control over another person, it can provide a certain feeling of "power of another." When you feel more powerful, (or to have control over someone else), you feel less insecure yourself. But what happens when you run out of people to lie to?

 

This is going to be more of a challenge than you thing, as your habitual problem actaually defines you. In other words, losing your wife and family honor is only one problem - you will some feel the need to begin controling and "holding power" again - it is like a drug.

 

Of course, there is therapy - but how much therapy would it take to change a character established over a lifetime? And on top of that, you would have to actually want to change your character, and realize it needs changing.

 

I realize it was tough to hear my perspective expressed so matter of factly, but I do not sugar is going to sweeten this. And I know what I'm talking about - I was married to a chronic, pathalogical liar for 28 years. He would even lie about what time it was to "pull one over."

 

Others will contribute some ideas and suggestions as well. I hope these thoughts help, they were offered in good faith. Yas

[2sure]

So, now everything is on the table and you have hit rock bottom.

 

It's a place many many many of us have been. Different ways of getting there, different scenery, but the same place.

 

You have only two choices, pick one. Keep Digging or climb out.

 

I know it's cliche, and just words. I know. But it's the truth.

 

Climbing up is a slow process and starts with baby steps. That's ok as long as all of your steps are in the right direction.

 

Start with not telling so much as a small lie. And if you do by habit, go to the person and tell them you lied, make it right. As of today, no one has much as far as expectations of you so all of this will be easy. Soon, they will notice your attempts at living authentically and offer support and encouragement.

 

One thing leads to another. You can't go backwards so you might as well go forward right?

[Radu]

So, now everything is on the table and you have hit rock bottom.

 

It's a place many many many of us have been. Different ways of getting there, different scenery, but the same place.

 

You have only two choices, pick one. Keep Digging or climb out.

 

I know it's cliche, and just words. I know. But it's the truth.

 

Climbing up is a slow process and starts with baby steps. That's ok as long as all of your steps are in the right direction.

 

Start with not telling so much as a small lie. And if you do by habit, go to the person and tell them you lied, make it right. As of today, no one has much as far as expectations of you so all of this will be easy. Soon, they will notice your attempts at living authentically and offer support and encouragement.

One thing leads to another. You can't go backwards so you might as well go forward right?

 

This really, and welcome to rock bottom.

 

You have started lying and continued to lie because as someone pointed out, you feel you lack power and that you lack what it takes to get that power.

Your only shot is your age, you are still young and things can be improved ... if you grow too old, you will end up as one of those bums under a bridge somewhere.

 

See what kind of free therapy you can find.

I'd also look into group therapy.

You have a tendency to misrepresent yourself in order to look better; getting 'naked' in front of strangers and showing your true self might help you.