Its all falling apart

[hurtingjas]

Hi Guys,

 

I have been with my partner for 15 years and just got engaged a few weeks back. We have 1 4yo boy and another baby on the way!

 

Our relationship has had its fare share of ups and downs times where we got ahead and allot of times where it was like we stood still and stagnant.

 

I was building a business, working allot of hours and going to events some evening to network etc.

 

I am/was very close to my cousin he is a few years younger than me 30, I am 31 and my fiancee she is 32 and we do almost all of our social activities together sometimes just myself and my cousin other times with both my partner and his.

 

about 5 years ago i found a conversation on my computer (MSN) that looked as though my partner was trying to initiate some kind of sexual conversation with my cousin. It tore my heart out of my chest! I immediately pulled her up on it and she panic'd and confessed that she had made a mistake and she was boared etc etc. We spoke about it and i asked allot of questions i was extremely upset. But a long story short the conversation looked innocent on my cousins part and my partner said she felt terrible and it would not happen again etc etc... So i actually let it go without much more discussion although i did confront my cousin about it and he told me also that it was just her and he was not a part of it. So i let it go. (Big Mistake)

 

Following this my partner fell pregnant with our son and i was occupied with work etc.

My partner had expressed on occasion (during fights) that she was not happy with my input around the house and the fact i was not around allot and if i was i was on the phone etc etc. At the time i didn't understand completely what she was going through and thought she had it easy as i was the soul bread winner and it actually mad me mad at times that it was not enough for her to be able to be home and with our child.

 

It was a few years later and my son was 3, We were at my cousins place and just for no real reason i grabbed my partners telephone to play with it. I happened to catch a panic on her face and she then tried to get the phone back from me. I proceeded to investigate and we made the decision together that we would go home as she informed me i was not going to like what i found. We got home and i discovered she had a relationship not with my cousin but a former friend from when she was younger. It was going on for a few months hundreds of emails and text messages and even more than that that she had deleted and i never got to see.

 

This nearly killed me!! I was absolutely devastated to the point i nearly lost my will to live! the emails we full of sexual content and what appeared to be love. I did not deal with this well. I cried for days and my partner was all open to telling me the details and appeared to be sorry for her actions. She told me she was not getting the attention from me and took the opportunity to get it from elsewhere. We spoke about it for what seemed like days i was ill with pain for a long time and still now it comes to get me often!! We worked it out in our discussions.. I was going to help her with what she was lacking and that she would give me access to all of her Facebook emails etc..

 

I started my investigation to see how much i could find and to make sure i had everything so i could not be hurt with extra details etc.

 

Over the course of a few weeks i looked and looked then i cam accross a few facebook conversations from a long time ago where guys had approached her online and she was happy to play along.

 

This was like getting a blowtorch and putting it over my wound!! I just kept finding more and more examples of how she has no value for our partnership!

 

From then till now has been 12 months... I tried to hold my end of the deal we made but the pain was so bad i just couldn't bare to feel like i was doing the work to renew our love and trust after the horrific pain she had caused me!!

 

We have become further apart and closed off since then and i am so afraid to loose her and my family i don't know what to do.

 

Over the past few months i have been really getting into her about being closed up and not wanting to connect with me on any level and i was sick of it.She was telling me it was the same reasons from before with the helping around the house and not doing as much for our child as she did. I had become so angry myself that i told her to leave! it took three days but we finally agreed it was for the best..... (I am regretting now)

 

5 minutes after she left i broke down and knew what a mistake i had made. I love her and my son so much i don't want to be apart from them for 2 seconds.

 

Then on the day she left I was speaking with my cousin from earlier in my story to tell him about what had happened and for a bit of support. I brought up the time she tried on him and questioned him about why he never told me she was doing it...(as i thought he was innocent in it)

 

He said a few things that didn't make sense to me so i gave him an opportunity to tell me if there was anything else he wanted to tell me and he gave the classic "I cant remember... It was nothing" lines that liars do.. you know??

 

So i contact my partner who was with my son at her mothers. I told her i had just spoken with my cousin about the events five years ago and i was very upset and offered her another opportunity to tell the truth! She immediately got angry with me and closed off.. I managed to get her to confess to a text message relationship that went on for possibly weeks right under my nose! containing sexual and god knows what else kind of communication.

 

Right there and then there is not even words for my feelings!!! I started thinking about ending my life.. If that helps explain the depth of this blade!!

 

This day i have lost my love of my life (with another child on the way) and my child... and now my best friend and cousin.

 

It was five years ago she says!! (to me 5 years ago and today are no different) "It was nothing" she says and she was just bored and i was not around. She says she was telling me but i was not listening.

 

I dont know if there is more to the story?? How can one ever be sure when they have been fed so many lies!!

 

This was right before around the time my first son was conceived!

Now i find my self question if i am even the father!! That hurts so much!

 

She says she has never ever done anything physical Which i believed until now. I have been reading allot about the topic of infidelity and have read on alot of occasions most if not all emotional cheating turns into physical! Is this true??

 

It is at the point now that i think i have lost her for good and every time i bring it up she gets angry and i feel like i am making the chances of loosing her and my family even greater!

 

Do people that do this even have any idea about the pain and long term suffering it causes???

 

Do you think she is a ride off and has some sort of mental issue and addicted to this behavior??

 

I know know that i have had a hand in what has happened. I feel so guilty that i was not there for her when she was asking it makes me sick and tear up whenever i think about it.

 

Is there even anything i could possibly do to stop it from happening again??

 

I love her so much i am willing to do anything! I now know i was not there for her and am willing to do what ever it takes but i fear it may be too late!

 

I have just put a ring on her finger and we are expecting! I want so much to have a happy and functional family with her!!

 

sorry about the long post i just need to tell my story!

Thanks

[ChooseTruth]

Oh man, I am so sorry for you. That is horrible. This is going to be a really rough ride and I'm sorry if I come off callous w/some of the things I'm going to say...but believe me I understand where you are at. I've been there.

 

 

I know how much you want to make this work and how completely and utterly devastating it is...there's really no way around that, but I think you are simply going to have to exit this relationship. I hated this word, but she is definitely a serial cheater and no, you can't trust anything with someone who lies constantly. The lies are the most damaging part actually because it throws EVERYTHING into question. I think for your own sanity you need to do the thing the web calls the "180". If you want the truth, you'll have to go into private detective mode. Phone bills are one good source, online chat records...you've already done some of this.

 

What a blessing that you are not married. I just finished a divorce settlement with a wayward wife(WW) whom I was married to for 14 years+4 years dating. Having to share a child (we have a 10 yr old daughter) and be financially devastated they way that we both are is just awful. You might still have some financial pain because you have been domestic partners so long, so I'm not sure about that part actually. I think you should find out who's children the kids are. I think you will end up paying some support for the older child. Splitting up at this early age, might actually be for the best. It's so hard later on I think.

 

annd like most people, I'm just reacting to your story... Here's the questions you asked:

Do people that do this even have any idea about the pain and long term suffering it causes???

I really don't think they get it. My WW thought it was ok to be around her OM and for me to trust that the affair was over...

Do you think she is a ride off and has some sort of mental issue and addicted to this behavior??

Clearly she has extreme boundary issues and doesn't seem to want to fix them. I really doubt something this deep in her personality is going to change much.

 

Is there even anything i could possibly do to stop it from happening again??

....ugh...not much. Exposure is the best thing honestly, but you really can't control her. The more you try, the more distance you put between you. So yeah exposure helps to wake her the F up...but she will resent you for it. Affairs thrive in secrecy. Also people will know you know now..it was astounding to me how many people knew of my WW's affair before hand, mostly her friends at a dojo. I'm glad to wash my hands of that whole crowd.

There's a book called His Needs Her Needs that is all about affair prevention that might be good for you...but honestly I think this R is toast.

For her a book called "Not Just Friends" might be good..but I don't know. That book is more for people who unconsciously get themselves into romantic relationships by having poor boundaries. It sounds like your WW is open to other relationships, consciously. That's what was so hard for me to get about my ex. It was all conscious. The way your WW behaves reminds me of my ex actually.

 

Being a veteran now of this whole thing...if I were you I'd separate finances immediately and start grieving the entire relationship. It's really hard I know...yuck...I can just imagine the hell you are going through. I was out for a week of work when it first hit me that the marriage was over. I had to take another mental health week later on just from emotional exhaustion.

 

Good luck man. Keep posting. There will be a lot of replies. This site is slower on the weekends but I bet you will get a flood of people telling you to end it and unfortunately I think it's the right thing.

[Balzac]

Now i find my self question if i am even the father!!

 

Thought you'd never get to the point but 'ya did. The bigger question is have you been duped 2X?

[Darren Steez]

If you are not married then let it stay that way...

 

and keep her out of the house. The pain will go away eventually. She's no good for you brother. Time to man up!!

[Coolit]

Every person is different, but for me, a WW, dirty talk only hightened and did not satisfy. It lead very rapidly for me to letting my XMM touch me. To an oppurtunity to have sex. The point of the dirty talk i have since realized was for xMM to insure I'd hop into bed. It Hightened the attraction. So, sex couls very easily have happened. The fact that he isn't sorry, has only confessed what you already discovered or tricked out of her is a very good sign she won't confess to actual sex. But the actual act of sex really only changes 2 things right now. The question of paternity and stds. Whether she ha sex or not doesn't change the fact she is not remorseful. Even without anything physical going on he is a repeat offender. She may just like to play eith other guys. Enjoy turning them on. But is that really the tpe of person you want to be with?

[oldshirt]

Wow, nasty story. Yeah, I'm afraid she is a ho. The more you dig, the more you are going to find she has be screwing around and letting you foot the bills and then she bitches that you aren't serving her well enough.

 

Look obviously something hasn't been right between you two all along or you wouldn't have been together for 15 years without getting married many years ago. One or both of you were already hesitant to get married and obviously that gut instinct was accurate.

 

Since you have been together since you were 15 I am going to assume that you haven't had many serious relationships and that you haven't been through a painfull breakup before. Well here's the 411 - Break ups hurt!!

 

They cause pain, they cause sadness, anger, disappointment and they also can bring on some self-doubt and a feeling that you will never find love again.

 

ALL OF THOSE THINGS FADE IN TIME. It may take a few months but in time you will heal and the sadness and anger and self-doubt etc will all fade away like a fart in the wind.

 

Get a lawyer because even though you are not married you still have children and joint property and those things will need to be taken care of.

 

I would definitely get the kids paternity tested because there is a very realistic chance that one or both are not your's. the real sucky part is the court may not care who the biological father is since you were the one performing the fatherly duties in the child's home. But get them tested and do what you can to be relieved of any child support if they are not yours. You will need a good lawyer that specializes in paternity/father's rights for that.

 

You will survive this.

[hurtingjas]

Thanks so much for the time to write your reply's guys.. It means allot to know i'm not the only one. I am still not sure where it will go. But i will not be ignorant to this information.

Thanks again. I will post an update soon.