Sidz Posted July 20, 2013 Posted July 20, 2013 A while ago, even before we were as serious as we are now, I and my girlfriend talked about hanging out with friends of the opposite sex one on one. The difficulty in this situation is that there is a discrepancy between how we do friendship. She tries to be a good friend and tends to get along better with guy friends. I'm an introvert. Hanging out with my girlfriend, my family and people where I work is more than enough. Even though my girlfriend would not like it if I were to go to dinner alone with another gal friend, it's not really that fair because everyone pretty much knows I'm a hopeless introvert and I don't hang out with anybody, and she really does have some friendships with other men she would like to maintain. She reluctantly agreed not to hang out alone with men. It's really only certain male friends of hers that I have trouble with. I've met many of her male friends and I'd be fine with her meeting up with many of them. However, tonight she told me that she had dinner with one of her male friends that I don't like. I don't like him because, despite her telling him all about me, he has told her he likes her and persistently texts her. She has lessened her contact with him, but he texted her asking if she wanted to meet up. I know guys because I am one and this one is moving in on her. I was hurt even though she even told me, though after the fact and not before. To be fair, she knows I wouldn't like it, which is why. This girl loves me. I know she loves me and she doesn't want to be with anyone else. I'm absolutely certain. And, I love her deeply and don't want to be with anyone else. It's just tough because she loves me so much she's afraid that she'll acquiesce to me controlling her, which is not my intention but just because of the way I am, I tend to monopolize her time and prevent her from hanging out with her male friends because I don't hang out with any female friends, and she wants to maintain some autonomy and prevent herself from the pitfalls that women face when falling in love should the relationship end. This isn't on the radar for me. I really love her and only want more. I just don't want to seem like I'm telling her whom she can hang out with but at the same time, I feel like the guy ruined it by moving in. That's my girl man, and I want my girlfriend to understand that, even though she's been friends with him for longer than we've known each other. Too much? Anyway, despite the steady swinging of the pendulum back and forth from my being pissy and jealous to trying to be understanding and slow to anger, I can't sleep. So, I thought I'd vent to a bunch of strangers on the internet. I appreciate and welcome any and all thoughts.
Noproblem Posted July 20, 2013 Posted July 20, 2013 Well, if it ain't broken, don't fix it! You know she loves her male friends, but she chose you! Get over it and move on! 1
salparadise Posted July 20, 2013 Posted July 20, 2013 I think the devil is in the details that we don't know. What we do know is that if your girlfriend is attractive she's going to get hit on, and her male friends would most likely try if they felt they had a chance. We know she loves you and that you believe she is completely dedicated to your relationship. Only not dedicated enough, apparently, to forego one-on-one time with this "friend" for the sake of the relationship, or you getting a good night's sleep. And not enough to allow you to participate in making the decision as to whether or not this is kosher. What we don't know is how immune she is to being woo'd by attractive guys, whether she finds this guy attractive, the strength of her boundaries, character, morality, etc. We don't know why she considers this particular guy to be important enough to make a unilateral decision to go to dinner one-on-one with him, fully realizing how it would make you feel. My theory on opposite sex friendships is pretty narrow. They can exist in a purely platonic realm, but it's the exception not the rule. Nature has designed us otherwise, and she's done a damn fine job at instilling the urge to merge in pretty much everyone. When that predisposition exists between two individuals, there is no surer way for it to manifest than spending some quality one-on-one time together sharing things of an emotional nature. If two people have some common platonic interest, such as stamp collecting, and boundaries are very strong, then perhaps it will remain purely platonic... but if attraction is strong then all bet are off, regardless. So the best policy is for people in a relationship to avoid the even the potential for nature to do her thing and eschew private time with others of the opposite sex and certain types of sharing that tend to increase feelings of attraction or affection. Does she care how it makes you feel, and if so why is the motivation to go out with him strong enough to offset the effect she knows it will have on your feelings and the relationship? If there's zero attraction then perhaps it's harmless, but if attraction is there (conscious or not) then she's tempting fate by creating a situation wherein things could escalate. Either way, this kind of interaction comes at the expense of security in the relationship. I hope it's no big deal for you, OP. I'd suggest having a talk with her and getting it all out in the open. If she backs away from doing this again it's a good sign. If she becomes assertive about it being her right to spend one-on-one time with attractive male friends, then I believe there are larger long-term implications. 3
Joaquin Posted July 20, 2013 Posted July 20, 2013 (edited) I had a gf once that wanted to meet one on one in the evening with a guy friend for dinner. We were exclusive. I suspected this guy liked her, tho I hadn't met him, and he was single. I get that everyone can be friends but this seemed wrong to me. I didn't like my gf going to dinner with other men. Period. I told her it didn't sit well with me. Surely if she wants to see her friend she could met for coffee after work or whatever. I didn't put the hard word on but said it didn't feel right. This was very early in our relationship. Anyway, she cancelled and to my knowledge, explained she now had a bf so couldn't do these so called dinner dates. Funny thing was the guy in question wasn't up for just coffee and he slunk away. Never heard from him again. Some friend huh. She ended up being a very committed gf on a whole lot of fronts, she had my back and I had hers. I guess all you can do is explain how it makes u feel and leave it up to her. If she doesn't want to make u feel like crap, she just won't do it. And I don't buy that whole don't control me BS, it's about respect and not making yr bf or gf feel like crap. Edited July 20, 2013 by Joaquin 5
Goldenbrwn Posted July 20, 2013 Posted July 20, 2013 Basically your girlfriend is going out with another guy behind your back. The fact that they are just "friends" right now doesn't really change much because he is interested in more than that and most importantly she did it behind your back knowing it would bother you. The only way your girlfriend is going to get where you are coming from is if you do the same thing to her and go out with women 1 on 1 as "friends". If she doesn't have a problem with it then you have to learn to accept this relationship dynamic and keep going out 1 on 1 with other women when she is seeing her "friends" (or leave her) If she can get her cake and eat it too she will keep doing it and nothing you can say will be able to not be seen as a jealous boyfriend so speak with actions instead. 1
Gottabestrong Posted July 20, 2013 Posted July 20, 2013 I agree with Joaquin. I myself have a few male friends that I like to hang out with, but know my boyfriend is not too comfortable with the idea. So instead of doing things at night that could be interpreted as dates, we hang out during the day and do platonic stuff. I also invited my boyfriend to come pick me up or bring me there, if he felt the need to 'mark his territory'. And I've also suggested that we all hang out together. I guess the trick is finding a compromise between keeping your friends (male and female) but also not doing anything that makes your partner uncomfortable. Good luck! 1
404namenotfound Posted July 20, 2013 Posted July 20, 2013 I'd say you should go along and try to meet this friend, maybe invite him to an activity where he gets to be the third wheel or bring a friend/double date. It will kill the date as a date but it doesn't mean you can't still have fun with the activity. It will help you get a feel for the situation and the best thing he can say is no, then you know what he wants out of it. I am a guy and I am friends with a lot of women, and most of them I was at least attracted to at some point. I can say nothing kills the mood for me more than knowing there is another guy that knows about me and is serious. Also I'm not saying I hit on every female friend I have but I'd be lying if I didn't say I wasn't at least attracted to most of them at some point.
BradJacobs Posted July 20, 2013 Posted July 20, 2013 She wanted the attention from another man who she knew was interested in her and probably for you to get jealous like you did. It's bush league game playing to incite a response. Call me controlling if you want but she'd know right away how pissed off I am if she pulled this crap on me. In a committed relationship I never once went on a one-on-one dinner with an ex or a girl that I knew was interested. 1
todreaminblue Posted July 20, 2013 Posted July 20, 2013 as another poster pointed out it isnt about control or falling in deep with you........it should be about how she wants to make you feel....and high on that list is in a secure stable thoughtful relationship...if she cares about you ...one on one dinner dates are out...as a female in a relationship i dont do one on one dinner dates with my guy friends if i am in a relationship..because i do know.....its intimate...and more likely to give the wrogn impression to the guy who takes you to dinner...let alone cause problems in any existing relationship..especially when you know they like you...it needs to be clear what platonic friendhsip is..its not hard to know that its just not done...............best wishes.............deb 2
Author Sidz Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 I appreciate all the replies. I tend to try to think a lot before I say anything, having said the wrong thing more than a few times. I called my sister and talked to her for a while about it and she echoed most of the sentiments here. I underestimated how hurt I was. It's true how it kicks in later after your brain works over it on its own. I couldn't stop thinking about it so I went running to try to stop, after which I called my sister. Later on, I was furiously trying to get out and be doing something when my girlfriend called and I put aside trying to be understanding and slow to anger and laid out how hurt and angry I was and how it made me feel. She feels very low. She apologized, said she'd never do it again and vowed to make it right and has apparently started baking which...is extremely effective honestly. What more can I ask for given the circumstances? 2
hoping2heal Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 A while ago, even before we were as serious as we are now, I and my girlfriend talked about hanging out with friends of the opposite sex one on one. The difficulty in this situation is that there is a discrepancy between how we do friendship. She tries to be a good friend and tends to get along better with guy friends. I'm an introvert. Hanging out with my girlfriend, my family and people where I work is more than enough. Even though my girlfriend would not like it if I were to go to dinner alone with another gal friend, it's not really that fair because everyone pretty much knows I'm a hopeless introvert and I don't hang out with anybody, and she really does have some friendships with other men she would like to maintain. She reluctantly agreed not to hang out alone with men. It's really only certain male friends of hers that I have trouble with. I've met many of her male friends and I'd be fine with her meeting up with many of them. However, tonight she told me that she had dinner with one of her male friends that I don't like. I don't like him because, despite her telling him all about me, he has told her he likes her and persistently texts her. She has lessened her contact with him, but he texted her asking if she wanted to meet up. I know guys because I am one and this one is moving in on her. I was hurt even though she even told me, though after the fact and not before. To be fair, she knows I wouldn't like it, which is why. This girl loves me. I know she loves me and she doesn't want to be with anyone else. I'm absolutely certain. And, I love her deeply and don't want to be with anyone else. It's just tough because she loves me so much she's afraid that she'll acquiesce to me controlling her, which is not my intention but just because of the way I am, I tend to monopolize her time and prevent her from hanging out with her male friends because I don't hang out with any female friends, and she wants to maintain some autonomy and prevent herself from the pitfalls that women face when falling in love should the relationship end. This isn't on the radar for me. I really love her and only want more. I just don't want to seem like I'm telling her whom she can hang out with but at the same time, I feel like the guy ruined it by moving in. That's my girl man, and I want my girlfriend to understand that, even though she's been friends with him for longer than we've known each other. Too much? Anyway, despite the steady swinging of the pendulum back and forth from my being pissy and jealous to trying to be understanding and slow to anger, I can't sleep. So, I thought I'd vent to a bunch of strangers on the internet. I appreciate and welcome any and all thoughts. Yeah so, I don't keep friends that try to move in on me. This is exactly why I don't keep them. I'm not naive, I know what they're up to and I'm not having any of it. That's because I respect my relationship and without needing to be asked, no way am I letting some crap like that go on. Yeah friends are special and bla bla bla but you know it's a two way street and you're not my friend if you're going to try and hit on me or do anything to disrupt my relationship so sayanora. If I knew my BF was going through some of the anguish that you are there's no way in hellllllllllll I'd be meeting up with the guy, etc. etc. I have a big problem with your girlfriends behavior and I don't think it's right. There's a difference between expecting your girlfriend to drop her friends and wanting your girlfriend to keep her distance from someone who openly professes feelings to her. 4
Eddie Edirol Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 I appreciate all the replies. I tend to try to think a lot before I say anything, having said the wrong thing more than a few times. I called my sister and talked to her for a while about it and she echoed most of the sentiments here. I underestimated how hurt I was. It's true how it kicks in later after your brain works over it on its own. I couldn't stop thinking about it so I went running to try to stop, after which I called my sister. Later on, I was furiously trying to get out and be doing something when my girlfriend called and I put aside trying to be understanding and slow to anger and laid out how hurt and angry I was and how it made me feel. She feels very low. She apologized, said she'd never do it again and vowed to make it right and has apparently started baking which...is extremely effective honestly. What more can I ask for given the circumstances? Thank goodness. I hoped that your gf was serious about you, and that she wasnt playing a game, keeping this guy on the hook just in case it didnt work with you. If she wants to make it right, hopefully from now on she'll leave this guy alone. Just make sure her actions match her words.
MissBee Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 (edited) My theory on opposite sex friendships is pretty narrow. They can exist in a purely platonic realm, but it's the exception not the rule. Nature has designed us otherwise, and she's done a damn fine job at instilling the urge to merge in pretty much everyone. When that predisposition exists between two individuals, there is no surer way for it to manifest than spending some quality one-on-one time together sharing things of an emotional nature. If two people have some common platonic interest, such as stamp collecting, and boundaries are very strong, then perhaps it will remain purely platonic... but if attraction is strong then all bet are off, regardless. So the best policy is for people in a relationship to avoid the even the potential for nature to do her thing and eschew private time with others of the opposite sex and certain types of sharing that tend to increase feelings of attraction or affection. If she becomes assertive about it being her right to spend one-on-one time with attractive male friends, then I believe there are larger long-term implications. as another poster pointed out it isnt about control or falling in deep with you........it should be about how she wants to make you feel....and high on that list is in a secure stable thoughtful relationship...if she cares about you ...one on one dinner dates are out...as a female in a relationship i dont do one on one dinner dates with my guy friends if i am in a relationship..because i do know.....its intimate...and more likely to give the wrogn impression to the guy who takes you to dinner...let alone cause problems in any existing relationship..especially when you know they like you...it needs to be clear what platonic friendhsip is..its not hard to know that its just not done...............best wishes.............deb Ditto. It shouldn't be about control. As a girlfriend, I WANT my guy to feel comfortable and secure (within reason), so I really volunteer to not do certain things, out of respect for him and my relationship. Most of my close friends are women anyway, but if I did have lots of guy friends, I especially wouldn't choose to go to a one on one dinner with one who has voiced he likes me and incessantly texts me....why put yourself in that situation???? As sal so eloquently explained, while platonic friendships are possible, we're humans and most relationships start as friendships then attraction develops based on commonalities and emotional bonding, so if you're in a monogamous relationship, you really have to be mindful of not feeding that with other people, as it can easily cross the line. My boyfriend wouldn't have to ask me not to, I wouldn't do it. The OP isn't being unfair, he said he didn't mind her going with other male friends, but it's the one who seems to be pursuing her that he has a problem with. Who wouldn't? If my boyfriend had a female friend who made it known she wanted him, and he chose to go to dinner with her, I'd think he was totally disrespectful! OP, I think you should explain to her that you're not attempting to control her and explain how and why it feels disrespectful. We can't control people liking our SOs, it's up to THEM to not put themselves in compromising scenarios and your gf seems to be acting oblivious to how it's inappropriate. Edited July 21, 2013 by MissBee
todreaminblue Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 She feels very low. She apologized, said she'd never do it again and vowed to make it right and has apparently started baking which...is extremely effective honestly. What more can I ask for given the circumstances? Baking is surely therapy for the soul....works for me....chocky cake....;0)...i think its in the measuring and weighing what is important in clearing your mind and heart......glad your gf is being fully supportive and you are being a thoughtful and understanding partner...best wishes...happy trails...deb
PlumPrincess Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 I don't hang out with guys who are into me when I'm not into them.
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