struggling to come to terms with husbands past

[Jodi_Jodes_or_Jo]

I’ve been struggling with coming to terms with my husbands past and I don’t know whether I should just let it go.

 

I found out about 4 years ago that 25 odd years ago he once dated a prostitute for about a year. It was a long time before we had even met and them dating was not really an issue for me but I more found it unsettling that he had secrets, I mean dating someone for over a year that has sex with other people is a pretty big thing. On some levels I found it quite arousing but I couldn’t understand the secretiveness. I am a pretty open minded woman and he should have known that I wouldn’t be offended if I was told. Anyway I realized I was being a bit childish and that he had done nothing wrong and it was all sorted pretty quickly. I asked him then if he had any other skeletons in his closet and he said no. I only tell this part of the story because it sets up what happened later.

 

That leads us to recently. Back in his younger days he lived with two women who were lesbians (a couple). He has always admitted that while they shared the house they were all sleeping together, he was there for close to two years. This has never been a secret and in fact we both now are very good friends with them and see them pretty much weekly. They are both wonderful people as is my husband but I have just found out some very disturbing information about them.

 

For some reason after all these years, he was living with them 20 odd years ago, they decided to let me in on their secret. They are sisters !!!!!! It makes me feel absolutely sick. My husband knew this, in fact he was the only other person who knew. They moved here from overseas for a fresh start and besides me now, he has been the only other one they have told.

 

So not only do I find it disgusting what they are doing I find it disgusting that my husband would be willing to participate in that. And to top it off, it’s another skeleton after I specifically asked him to be honest so there were no more surprises. He could have told me, there have been times when I have been very close to them, we have kissed a few times and we contemplated a foursome with them. I feel sick that if we went ahead he would have let me do that without telling me about them.

 

We have been together 18 years and when I found out about the prostitute I felt like I didn’t know him, now I find out this and I feel the same way again. I have to start wondering what other secrets am I going to learn, can it get any worse than this? I think about my skeletons and I can’t think of anything that would upset him, I have been very honest and open even though I had done some stupid and embarrassing stuff in my younger days. I thought he had done the same, I am not sure I can fully trust that I know everything ever again.

 

He is the love of my life and I have no intention of leaving but I am questioning whether I actually know the person I love. I have sought council on this from various avenues on the internet and opinions vary wildly. I have also discussed it with friends but have had to adjust the story a little to not betray their secret (I have no desire to out them). I guess the general consensus is to get them out of our lives and give him one last chance to come clean with everything with a clear understanding that one more time means it’s over.

 

The problem with that is that he has made it clear to me to not make him choose. He is very protective of them, he doesn’t believe that what they are doing is all that wrong, he says it’s only wrong if it were brother/sister. If I did make him choose I am confident that he would choose me but I don’t think he would be happy about it.

 

Besides the fact that they are sisters they are otherwise wonderful people. Do I just overlook this? I don’t even know if I can but we were great friends before I knew. I think it is more about the secrets than the act itself (as disturbing as that is).

 

Any opinions?

[LisaLee]

I think it might be the cultural morals that I grew up with, but I find the whole idea quite disgusting. I would not be able to look at my husband the same way. I can wrap my mind around a lot of things, but some of the more taboo subjects (incest, bestiality, sex with minors) I can't bring myself to even coming close to accepting.

[lovelorcet]

Let it go...

 

How is any of this your business any ways ?

[Jodi_Jodes_or_Jo]

So the acts themselves are what you're primarily reacting to, not the secrecy.

 

No, I disagree with that. I do find the act disgusting and I am not trying to hide that but it is the secrecy that is my concern.

 

In fact it's probably not even the secrecy itself but more the secrecy after the promise that there was no more secrets. Even though he has now told me again there are no more secrets how can I ever trust that that is true? He made that promise once before and it turned out to be a lie.

 

You need to choose your battles much more wisely.

 

I don't want this to be a battle either. What I want is honesty from my husband. If he chooses to say "i haven't told you everything and I am not going to" then fair enough, I will deal with that. But to lie and say he has shared everything only to find out later that he lied is very concerning.

 

The biggest battle will be over what part, if any, the sisters play in our lives from this point forward. I don't think I can bring myself to treat them the same as I have in the past. That may well be my issue rather than theirs but it is an issue nonetheless and I believe my husband should support me in this decision. Surely his wife is more important than a couple of sisters he slept with over 20 years ago.

[oldshirt]

My mom always used to say, "if you don't like skeletons, don't go digging around in old closets."

 

We all have skeletons. Noone is really obligated to disclose them to anyone. If you are worried about someone being a criminal, do a background check on them. If you are worried about STDs get tested. If you want to know if they are an abuser or a womanizer/slut etc have some friends ask around etc but realize everyone has some dirt on them from years ago and some of that dirt truly does make you lose respect for people and make you question whether the last 20 years was a farce or not.

 

But if the last 20 years has been good and he hasn't been acquiring prostitutes or banging lesbian sisters while on your watch, does it really matter if he did in his youth?

 

There are things about my wife that I have found out that had I heard about them when they happened, I probably would have scratched her off the list. and I know darn well if she had known about some of the dumb stuff I did in my teens back then she would have ran the other way as fast as she could.

 

But we met as adults and have lived a solid, happy, healthy life together for the past 20 years and our impetuousness of our youth has not tainted our adult life together at all.

 

If he is wanting to start bringing home hookers and lesbian sisters now, you have every right to draw a line in the sand and say no. But I am not sure judging him for some craziness back in his youth now after 20 good years is fair.

 

Do you want him to judge you and hold you accountable now for things you did when you were 19?

[oldshirt]

The biggest battle will be over what part, if any, the sisters play in our lives from this point forward. I don't think I can bring myself to treat them the same as I have in the past. That may well be my issue rather than theirs but it is an issue nonetheless and I believe my husband should support me in this decision. Surely his wife is more important than a couple of sisters he slept with over 20 years ago.

 

This is kind of a separate issue from being upset over his actions of the past.

 

This is in the here and now. If you find their lifestyle, values and mores not in alignment with your's, you have every right to not have to accomidate them into your life and yes, he should support you in that.

 

If he wants to meet them for lattes at Starbucks after work on the 3rd Tuesdays of each month on his time and his dime, that is between you and him to work out. But if you do not want them in your house or in your life in any manner, then that is just how it is.

 

You do not have to explain or justify why you do not want someone in your home and life and you do not have to accept it just because someone else thinks you judgemental if you don't.

 

If you don't want people with purple hair in your house, you do not have to allow them in nor do you have to explain yourself or justify it to other people even if other people do not agree with it.

[janedoe67]

If my spouse asked me right now "Is there anything from your past you haven't told me?" I am not sure I could accurately answer. I do not possess an eidetic memory, so it is possible there are things that he might be shocked about that would not even think about.

 

Telling someone you never want to discover something about them from before you were with them that you didn't know is pretty unfair. I mean, I am not hiding things from him about my college years, for example, but then again I don't think about those years and so if he found some old photo and said "You didn't tell me you once sat next to Greg!!" I am not sure how that would be considered secrecy.

 

Don't get me wrong, the whole incest thing in your post grosses me out completely, but I think you may be holding your hubby to an impossible standard. I mean, if he is a faithful loving husband, why is it a big thing if there is something he did when he was 21 that you don;t know about?

[Jodi_Jodes_or_Jo]

If he is wanting to start bringing home hookers and lesbian sisters now, you have every right to draw a line in the sand and say no. But I am not sure judging him for some craziness back in his youth now after 20 good years is fair.

 

I am not holding him accountable for being with the sisters all those years ago, but surely I can hold him accountable for hiding the truth, keeping secrets and just plain lies which is recent?

 

When I found out about dating the prostitute I did exactly as suggested here. I didn't hold him accountable, it was in his past, he didn't have to share all that, so I moved on.

 

But he said from that point on we would be fully truthful, he volunteered all about his past, he promised that there was nothing more, he said I would never be surprised again. Obviously that was a blatant lie directly to my face, that hurts.

 

So the fact that he was with them is not the issue at all.

The fact that I accepted them into our lives and was very close to us all sleeping together is. I don't know how he could have let me do that without letting me know so I could make a choice, he obviously wasn't thinking about me.

The fact that he lied to my face is. After all the promises of truthfulness and full disclosure in the past which have turned out to be lies what hope is there of believing his "there is nothing more to tell" that he says now? Whether he should have needed to fully disclose everything as some have stated is irrelevant in my opinion, he said he would and he didn't.

 

Do you want him to judge you and hold you accountable now for things you did when you were 19?

 

No I don't. I did some stupid things I am not proud of. The difference is he knows them all. The difference is that they are not still in my life today. The difference is that when were were being fully truthful to each other I actually was.

[Jodi_Jodes_or_Jo]

I am not sure how that would be considered secrecy.

 

If he was with the sisters all those years ago and never saw them again then it's could easily slip to the back of your mind. As such it may not be mentioned when discussing the past and fair enough too.

 

But we live just around the corner from these sisters. We see them every week. We have swum naked with them. I have kissed them. We were very very close to sleeping together. This is not the past, this is the present, it's not like it could have slipped his mind.

 

I am a very open person. Even accepting his lesbian ex-girlfriends into our lives is something not many would do. But in order to be open you have to have unequivocal trust. I don't believe I have that anymore becasue of his lies.

[Eclypse]

I'm not going to lie. Living with and having regular group sex with a couple of hot sisters is pretty high on the bucket list for many young men! Damn. I wouldn't hold it against him. I can't think of many 20 year olds who wouldn't do this. He should have told you though, especially as you were about to have sex with them too. That's not something you should withhold from someone who is about to have sex with someone.

 

Can you forgive him and move on? Only you can answer that.