Can you date someone who lacks goals and ambitions?

[xpaperxcutx]

It seems every person I have came upon or briefly dated, all lacked ambition of some kind.

 

When I was young, my first boyfriend was a college dropout, 24 years, and a video game addict. I was the one to encourage him to take his GED and apply for college and it was only after we broke up that I found out he got into college majoring in film directing.

 

I also dated a guy who used to work for his dad, but his job was so demanding and low in pay, all he ever wanted to do was go home and sleep after work. Of course his childhood dream was to play in the Major Leagues and while he dabbled and were in the Minors, his baseball dreams came to an end. After we broke up, I found out he got a job in sales with a stable salary.

 

Intermittently, I have dated successful people like lawyers and well-to-do artists, but those people are one-off dates I never see long terms with.

 

Now my current boyfriend works in a hospital as a patient transporter and he supplements his salary as self-employed part-time trainer. His prior education was in auto repair, but for much of the last 20 years of his life, he was a NASM certified personal trainer. He also used to be certified in Olympic power lifting, and has even participated in bodybuilding competitions. However, he has let his licenses expire and he has been reduced to working an hourly wage of $12.

 

He has a cell phone business on the side which he had invested in with a good friend of his, but he has not been serious about his investments, and he spent $20,000 of his mom's money, which at this point most likely he won't see a return of.

 

I don't understand why he can't get his life in order. I've pushed and encouraged him, and tried to help him come up with a business plan (I'm a business major) but he either does not want to take my advice or he

would rather wait for an opportunity to present itself. He believes that eventually a better job will come along, but he has neither taken up the efforts to search for a new job nor has he applied for a different department in his hospital.

 

I see so much potential in him, but my friends tell me I'm only mothering him. I help him out financially at times but I don't how long this can take. I have goals of my own and I need a partner who is on the same pace and

same level as myself- both in terms of financial stability and goals.

 

Does anybody else believe I can push him harder to get his trainers certificates and start his own training business or am i just gullible in thinking we have a future together?

[Dread Pirate Roberts]

It seems every person I have came upon or briefly dated, all lacked ambition of some kind.

 

When I was young, my first boyfriend was a college dropout, 24 years, and a video game addict. I was the one to encourage him to take his GED and apply for college and it was only after we broke up that I found out he got into college majoring in film directing.

 

I also dated a guy who used to work for his dad, but his job was so demanding and low in pay, all he ever wanted to do was go home and sleep after work. Of course his childhood dream was to play in the Major Leagues and while he dabbled and were in the Minors, his baseball dreams came to an end. After we broke up, I found out he got a job in sales with a stable salary.

 

Intermittently, I have dated successful people like lawyers and well-to-do artists, but those people are one-off dates I never see long terms with.

 

Now my current boyfriend works in a hospital as a patient transporter and he supplements his salary as self-employed part-time trainer. His prior education was in auto repair, but for much of the last 20 years of his life, he was a NASM certified personal trainer. He also used to be certified in Olympic power lifting, and has even participated in bodybuilding competitions. However, he has let his licenses expire and he has been reduced to working an hourly wage of $12.

 

He has a cell phone business on the side which he had invested in with a good friend of his, but he has not been serious about his investments, and he spent $20,000 of his mom's money, which at this point most likely he won't see a return of.

 

I don't understand why he can't get his life in order. I've pushed and encouraged him, and tried to help him come up with a business plan (I'm a business major) but he either does not want to take my advice or he

would rather wait for an opportunity to present itself. He believes that eventually a better job will come along, but he has neither taken up the efforts to search for a new job nor has he applied for a different department in his hospital.

 

I see so much potential in him, but my friends tell me I'm only mothering him. I help him out financially at times but I don't how long this can take. I have goals of my own and I need a partner who is on the same pace and

same level as myself- both in terms of financial stability and goals.

 

Does anybody else believe I can push him harder to get his trainers certificates and start his own training business or am i just gullible in thinking we have a future together?

 

Does he make enough to survive? Does he have a life? Then what does it matter to you? I wouldn't care if a woman only made $12 an hour. That's a lot more money than MANY people make these days...either for being over qualified paying student loans or can't find a job in their field. Is he passionate about anything else? Hobbies?

[Dread Pirate Roberts]

I mean, also, if hes looking for hand outs all the time that's a different story. At the same time, if you want a "future" with someone then there's going to have to be helping each other. It's really up to you.

 

If I had a starving artist girlfriend/wife I wouldn't let it bother me. I would support her in her endeavors...unless she wasn't making anything ever.

[xpaperxcutx]

Does he make enough to survive? Does he have a life? Then what does it matter to you? I wouldn't care if a woman only made $12 an hour. That's a lot more money than MANY people make these days...either for being over qualified paying student loans or can't find a job in their field. Is he passionate about anything else? Hobbies?

 

How is he surviving if he has no savings whatsoever. He's working like a maniac but is still living paycheck to paycheck. I'm not a gold digger, but no way in hell can $12 help you pay rent, pay car insurance, help out with the family, etc.

 

Which was why I was trying to help him set up a business doing personal training. He has so much resources in terms of knowing people and the knowledge but he refuses to use that to his advantage.

[tbf]

Intermittently, I have dated successful people like lawyers and well-to-do artists, but those people are one-off dates I never see long terms with.

Was it you or them, why it didn't exceed one date?

[xpaperxcutx]

I mean, also, if hes looking for hand outs all the time that's a different story. At the same time, if you want a "future" with someone then there's going to have to be helping each other. It's really up to you.

 

If I had a starving artist girlfriend/wife I wouldn't let it bother me. I would support her in her endeavors...unless she wasn't making anything ever.

 

And unfortunately, sometimes when he is short on money, he goes and asks his friends. As his girlfriend, I am embarrassed. I have never dated anyone who goes around asking his friends for money just to take me out. Wouldn't you feel embarrassed? I just want him to have some kind of stability, instead of worrying about next month's rent.

 

And I pay for myself. I work and sometimes I see him like this, and I offer him my money and I see how embarrassed he is taking money from me.

[Dread Pirate Roberts]

And unfortunately, sometimes when he is short on money, he goes and asks his friends. As his girlfriend, I am embarrassed. I have never dated anyone who goes around asking his friends for money just to take me out. Wouldn't you feel embarrassed? I just want him to have some kind of stability, instead of worrying about next month's rent.

 

And I pay for myself. I work and sometimes I see him like this, and I offer him my money and I see how embarrassed he is taking money from me.

 

Then don't stay with him. What do you want me to tell you? Sometimes people have it rough and sitting there pushing him wont necessarily help him either. I know a few people living on less than $12 an hour. Not everyone gets to be successful. Do you want the guy for who he is or what he does? That's really a question you gotta ask yourself. I just hope you never ever get to a point where you lose your job and have to take something less than desirable and have to bum money off of people.

[Lobouspo]

This is a major compatibility issue that will continue to gnaw at you. Also, he may get resentful with your continued "pushing". I don't think you're a gold digger either, but a frank conversation about your expectations in a partner - sooner rather than later is completely appropriate. What happens when things get serious and you move in together, sort out living expenses, and think about having kids. Being on the same page regarding career choices and finances is paramount in any relationship.

[CptSaveAho]

Was it you or them, why it didn't exceed one date?

 

successful people dont date people that have dated a string of losers in their life and are always trying to fix others instead of fixing themselves

[MrCastle]

Never did, never will.

[kaylan]

OP, all I can say is dont settle.

 

You always seem to be settling on the kind of guy you really want. If dudes you meet dont fit what you want in a mate, then dont date them seriously, and keep looking.

 

You dont HAVE to date these bums. You choose to. There are plenty of cool dudes out there who have their act together. Either youre not looking for them, theyre not looking for you, or both.

[Phoe]

I personally don't think it sounds like he's doing TOO horribly employment wise, $12/hr really isn't terrible at all (I make way less than that and would LOVE to be at $12). If it seems like he is struggling with money it may be more of a budgeting problem on his end. Like I said, I make considerably less than $12 and I make it by just fine. Yes, I have to budget quite a bit and sometimes have to give up things I would really like, but at least I get by.

 

Small changes in budgeting will probably provide him with a bit more extra pocket cash on a monthly basis.

 

 

As far as "ambition" is concerned, if you're unhappy and feel like he is not going to change, then that is your preference. But it really could be worse.

[Nick D1980]

Then don't stay with him. What do you want me to tell you? Sometimes people have it rough and sitting there pushing him wont necessarily help him either. I know a few people living on less than $12 an hour. Not everyone gets to be successful. Do you want the guy for who he is or what he does? That's really a question you gotta ask yourself. I just hope you never ever get to a point where you lose your job and have to take something less than desirable and have to bum money off of people.

I totally agree with you. Don't take this the wrong way but It seems like some of the women these days look for guys for their wallet size instead of who we are. Shouldn't women look for guys that will love them?

[kaylan]

I personally don't think it sounds like he's doing TOO horribly employment wise, $12/hr really isn't terrible at all (I make way less than that and would LOVE to be at $12). If it seems like he is struggling with money it may be more of a budgeting problem on his end. Like I said, I make considerably less than $12 and I make it by just fine. Yes, I have to budget quite a bit and sometimes have to give up things I would really like, but at least I get by.

 

Small changes in budgeting will probably provide him with a bit more extra pocket cash on a monthly basis.

 

 

As far as "ambition" is concerned, if you're unhappy and feel like he is not going to change, then that is your preference. But it really could be worse.

Consider that OP lives in a large northeast metropolitan city. $12 an hour is near the bottom of the barrel. If they were in the suburbs like I am, Id say its better but not by much.

 

Its impossible to not live paycheck to paycheck in even the poorest areas of a northeast metro city when making 12 an hr.

I totally agree with you. Don't take this the wrong way but It seems like some of the women these days look for guys for their wallet size instead of who we are. Shouldn't women look for guys that will love them?

In defense of the OP, you guys dont know her dating history. Shes dated some guys who really didnt have much going for them money wise, and she stuck by them and tried to make a relationship work. So shes not out for cash.

 

And I can relate to her viewpoints. As a college educated dude whos got plans to make a decent living in my lifetime, I want a woman whos driven. I want her to be able to make enough money so we can have fun doing things, and not struggling all the time.

 

What matters is ambition. If a girl was making 13 an hr but was trying to move up at her company or was in school to get the papers she needs to be more successful, Id totally support her.

 

However, if she was content on being perpetually broke? Especially in a city like Boston, NYC, or Philly? Thatd be a major turn off.

Edited July 19, 2013 by kaylan

[xpaperxcutx]

Some of the posters saying I should just love a guy for him and not his wallet... Of course I love him, that's why I've been trying to helping him. His family are barely making it by, his mom is working minimum for god's sakes. I merely encouraged him to renew his license so he can consider starting his own personal training business.

 

He's always telling me he hates his job at the hospital because he's on his feet all day walking everywhere transporting the patients, not to mention commute is almost 1 and a half hours each way.

 

Is it so wrong of me to wish he had ambitions to try to improve his situation?

[tbf]

Some of the posters saying I should just love a guy for him and not his wallet... Of course I love him, that's why I've been trying to helping him. His family are barely making it by, his mom is working minimum for god's sakes. I merely encouraged him to renew his license so he can consider starting his own personal training business.

 

He's always telling me he hates his job at the hospital because he's on his feet all day walking everywhere transporting the patients, not to mention commute is almost 1 and a half hours each way.

 

Is it so wrong of me to wish he had ambitions to try to improve his situation?

Can you answer my previously ignored question? It's relevant.

[xpaperxcutx]

Can you answer my previously ignored question? It's relevant.

 

I don't feel like its relevant.

[tbf]

I don't feel like its relevant.

You can continue spinning in your self-created black hole relationships or you can start opening your eyes.

 

Your choice.

[MissBee]

No I cannot date someone without ambition.

 

I am very ambitious and have my own life to live, and am not interested in mothering a man. One of the most important things for me is having a man who has his own goals and career and is fulfilled therein and we're a power couple, in the sense that we're both successful in our own right. It's not the "size of his wallet" but size of his desire to do for himself and be independent...sitting around playing video games??? Um no way!

 

I can support the dreams you have and the work you're putting towards it, as I expect you to do with me, we should both be an inspiration and motivation for each other, but I can't date someone whom I have to hold their hands and push them to be ambitious or even have dreams. You sound like a friend of mine...her boyfriend is 34 and trying to be a music producer, but puts zero work towards it, he has no driver's license, works at a supermarket job she got for him, she drives him to work and everywhere else, she's the one who is pushing him to go to college, she looked up the college, registered him, picked his classes, everyttthiiing, and she's 23...none of my friends understand this. I'm sure it fulfills some part of her to do this, in some ways, I think she feels he will never leave her and be indebted to her for "upgrading his life"...but for me, I could never be in that situation.

 

I'm a mover and shaker and really need someone who is on that wavelength as well. We don't need to have the same career aspirations, but whatever you're into, you need to be into it, driven, self-motivated, mature, independent etc. I absolutely won't be paying for your life or hovering over you like your mom and driving you around and signing you up for things and giving you lunch money. Nope. Not for me.

 

Why do you choose to date unambitious people then try to change them? I think that is a dead end.

Edited July 20, 2013 by MissBee

[kaylan]

I don't feel like its relevant.

Do answer her question OP.

 

Why are you passing up on guys who have their act together? Better yet, do you have your act together yet?

 

That may be why you end up with the kind of guys you date.

[Eggplant]

Does anybody else believe I can push him harder to get his trainers certificates and start his own training business or am i just gullible in thinking we have a future together?

 

Why do women always make this mistake? You cannot change a man. Don't try. Accept him for who he is, or leave him.

 

 

As far as the ambition question, I need a man with ambition for SOMETHING in life, if not his career. Somebody with the energy and motivation to make a life together.

[fortyninethousand322]

Goals and ambition are't that important to me. It's fine if someone has a job that they feel fulfills them or whatever, but it's not necessary. Doing just enough to survive and maybe live a little comfortably is perfectly acceptable to me.

 

I'm currently pursuing a "career", and it's making me zero dollars. Literally zero. At some point I will have to give up the goal of succeeding at it and do something that makes a little more money. At some point you have to give up your goals and dreams. It's called "growing up"...

[xpaperxcutx]

No I cannot date someone without ambition.

 

I am very ambitious and have my own life to live, and am not interested in mothering a man. One of the most important things for me is having a man who has his own goals and career and is fulfilled therein and we're a power couple, in the sense that we're both successful in our own right. It's not the "size of his wallet" but size of his desire to do for himself and be independent...sitting around playing video games??? Um no way!

 

I can support the dreams you have and the work you're putting towards it, as I expect you to do with me, we should both be an inspiration and motivation for each other, but I can't date someone whom I have to hold their hands and push them to be ambitious or even have dreams. You sound like a friend of mine...her boyfriend is 34 and trying to be a music producer, but puts zero work towards it, he has no driver's license, works at a supermarket job she got for him, she drives him to work and everywhere else, she's the one who is pushing him to go to college, she looked up the college, registered him, picked his classes, everyttthiiing, and she's 23...none of my friends understand this. I'm sure it fulfills some part of her to do this, in some ways, I think she feels he will never leave her and be indebted to her for "upgrading his life"...but for me, I could never be in that situation.

 

I'm a mover and shaker and really need someone who is on that wavelength as well. We don't need to have the same career aspirations, but whatever you're into, you need to be into it, driven, self-motivated, mature, independent etc. I absolutely won't be paying for your life or hovering over you like your mom and driving you around and signing you up for things and giving you lunch money. Nope. Not for me.

 

Why do you choose to date unambitious people then try to change them? I think that is a dead end.

 

Thank you. I'm so sorry to hear that about your friends and as much as I do see a little of myself in her, I would go so far as to babysit a guy every step of the way. I'm less of someone who goes out of her way to do everything for a guy so much as I merely like to point out what a person can do to change their situation.

 

Like my boyfriend, who I merely ask that he try alternative ways to make more money as opposed to working manual labor day and night. I've encouraged him to renew personal training license and helped him plan ways to social network and meet more potential clients for training. But he refuse to take up on my advice. His self defeatist attitude was that he lacked the $10 grand start up money. I told him, you don't need that much money to start a business, and he should've learned from his mistake, especially after investing in a $20000 cell phone business that he doesn't have a name in nor does he bother to try to manage it.

 

Your bolded is accurate, I don't need him to be rich but I do need him to have dreams to pursue and goals to reach so he's not always telling me his life sucks. We need to be on the same wavelength. I don't need him to take care of me as much as I just need to know he can be financially stable to take care of his own family. As I've mentioned, he is living paycheck to paycheck, and it pains me to see that he hasn't done anything to change his situation.

 

To answer your question, when I first met him, he wasn't unambitious. He told he wanted to start his own business and what not, but so far, he has had made no further plans to pursue that goal. He told me he hates his job and would love to transfer or work somewhere else, but he has neither taken the actions necessary to seek a new position or do a job search. He's simply going day by day, almost like waiting for a job to fall from the sky and land on his lap.

[xpaperxcutx]

Why do women always make this mistake? You cannot change a man. Don't try. Accept him for who he is, or leave him.

 

 

As far as the ambition question, I need a man with ambition for SOMETHING in life, if not his career. Somebody with the energy and motivation to make a life together.

 

He always wanted to have a family of his own someday. We've discussed marriage and when he brought up the issue of children ( which he would like) I asked him how he was able to raise a family let alone children if his job barely paid for rent.

[MissBee]

Thank you. I'm so sorry to hear that about your friends and as much as I do see a little of myself in her, I would go so far as to babysit a guy every step of the way. I'm less of someone who goes out of her way to do everything for a guy so much as I merely like to point out what a person can do to change their situation.

 

Like my boyfriend, who I merely ask that he try alternative ways to make more money as opposed to working manual labor day and night. I've encouraged him to renew personal training license and helped him plan ways to social network and meet more potential clients for training. But he refuse to take up on my advice. His self defeatist attitude was that he lacked the $10 grand start up money. I told him, you don't need that much money to start a business, and he should've learned from his mistake, especially after investing in a $20000 cell phone business that he doesn't have a name in nor does he bother to try to manage it.

 

Your bolded is accurate, I don't need him to be rich but I do need him to have dreams to pursue and goals to reach so he's not always telling me his life sucks. We need to be on the same wavelength. I don't need him to take care of me as much as I just need to know he can be financially stable to take care of his own family. As I've mentioned, he is living paycheck to paycheck, and it pains me to see that he hasn't done anything to change his situation.

 

To answer your question, when I first met him, he wasn't unambitious. He told he wanted to start his own business and what not, but so far, he has had made no further plans to pursue that goal. He told me he hates his job and would love to transfer or work somewhere else, but he has neither taken the actions necessary to seek a new position or do a job search. He's simply going day by day, almost like waiting for a job to fall from the sky and land on his lap.

 

Sounds like the biggest problem is his self-defeatist attitude, complaining about his sucky life, but sitting there totally unmotivated to do anything about it but complain...such a turn offffff!!!! That would drain my energy. I can't even deal with acquaintances who are like this, much less my SO. I'm the eternal optimist, who believes where there is a will there is a way, and I NEVER give up on creating the life I want, so would be immediately done with someone who was so easy to give up and sit down and complain...ughhh! I have no time for that.

 

Paper, I think you made a thread like this before. If it wasn't you, I apologize. But if it was, and even if it wasn't, you know how your boyfriend is by now, you know what you want, and you can be like him and complain about him and stay hoping he will miraculously change, like how he thinks jobs fall from the sky, or you can make some goals for yourself re your relationship and follow through.

 

I date with a purpose these days and I don't waste time trying to change people or talk myself into situations I don't like. If ambition is important to you, as it should be, ( as can you imagine how he will be in marriage and with a family???), then you have to be realistic about if you see his attitude about life as a match for yours and is it something you're willing to accommodate.